The Very Secret Diary of Lord Voldemort

Chapter 2

The very secret Diary of Lord Voldemort in all it's glory.

Voldemort's Log: 15/01/2003.

I am in Hogwarts castle at the moment. I'm sitting in the prefect's bathroom nearly pissing myself laughing. I have stumbled into Dumbeldoor's office to find him trying on Professor Sisintra's dress robes, and if you don't mind me saying so, gold is DEFINITELY not his colour. He should try blue or red...anyway. Have also found Professor Sisintra accusing Professor McGonagall for stealing her dress robes. Have slapped her in the back of the head under my invisibility cloak. Heheheh, all in a days work! Sisintra isn't that bad. Must add her to my list of sexy people!

I can't find that accursed Gryffindor tower. And besides, the girl's staircase always turns into a slide when boys try to climb it. I have found the Ravenclaw tower, the Hufflepuff tower, and of course I would remember where the Slytherin dungeon is, after being there for seven years myself.

Hmmm, perhaps Draco is down in the Slytherin common... no! Lucius has made me promise. Lucius is kind of a wanker really (no pun intended!).

Ah, fuck that poltergeist! He upturned a wastepaper over my head when I was in the corridor with the statue of Boric the bewildered, and after seeing the paper bounce off thin air he has gone to get Filch, the school caretaker. Am seeking refuge in the transfiguration classroom, as I am afraid of getting caught by the resident paedophile.

Filch reminds me to start my own religion: Wankerism. Hey, didn't you ever wonder what we done with all those muggles we captured and tortured? Yep, Filch could join, as he is the resident paedophile. He used to owl me all the time and tells me all the juicy details about hanging the students butt-naked from the manacles on the walls. And how much Peeves, the poltergeist, pisses him off by threatening to tell the headmaster.

Cool, I've just found a gob stopper lying here on the floor beside the room of requirement, it's just what I wanted. Who would'a thunk! Umm, it's cherry flavour!

Ah, I've found it! I've found the Gryffindor dormitories! I've... wow that woman portrait is really fat! That bitch won't let me in. I'm shouting at it angrily!

"Let me in!"

"Password?"

"I said let me in for crying out loud!"

"Password?"

"Listen you fat wench! I want IN!"

"Password?"

"Is that the only word in your vocabulary?"

"Password?"

"Fuck you!"

"Password?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Password?"

"Argh!"

"PASSWORD!"

"STUPEFY!"

"P-p-p-p, ah fuck it I hate this job anyway!"

"Cool, it worked!"

Hmm, now where is the girl's dormitory? Ah, here. Up the right staircase. Upon closer inspection, I've found out that it was actually the boy's dormitories, as the all had short hair and no chest (yes, I actually checked!).

Ooopppps I dropped my gob stopper in excitement. Eeewwww, it's all hairy! Though it's not the first hairy ball I've licked, hyyyyyooooo (did I say that?)!

I have taken *shudder* Weasley's broom so I can fly up the staircase, and I must say, this broom went out about fourteen years ago.

I don't like brooms that much. The concept of putting a short, skinny stick between my legs is not an appealing idea. It reminds me too much of Wormtail. After flying up the staircase, and lots and lots of searching, I've finally come to a door that said "Gryffindor Prefect."

Hermione Granger was sprawled out on the bed like some sort of sleeping golden angel. Her bushy hair fanning the pillow, I hope that's not the only bushy thing I see tonight (God I'm such a pervert!)!

Her eyes snapped open and she screamed, but I silenced her and went to work. Oddly enough, she didn't try to stop me! This started to get pretty freaky!

I could hear someone downstairs. It was Weasley; he was shouting something about his broom missing and the trail of twigs leading to Hermione's bedroom.

Then Hermione screamed with a smile on her face. She is such a weirdo.

I heard Harry say something like "Okay, that was either Hermione being killed or coming to a tremendous orgasm!" and then Weasley came running up the stairs screaming at the top of his lungs like some half dead cat. I lay in the bed beside Hermione just to see Weasley coming in, red in the face and panting as though he just tried to run up a slide (though, in his anger, he probably did!).

"Oh, hi Ron." She blushed. "You remember Voldy right?" After this I decided to use an invisibility spell and ran out of the room with Ron walking blindly behind and Hermione shouting "Baby wait, take me with you! I hate this fucking place!"

Damn that Weasley and his damn broom. I must flee back to The Riddle House.

But I'll get that Hermione and her little Harry too! Muahahahahahah *cough* *splutter* *wheeze* *gasp* *and so on and so forth. *

Lord Voldemort, the amazing, astounding and brilliant mind in the entire universe!