The Very Secret Diary of Lord Voldemort

Voldemort's Log: 12/01/2003

Stupid Potter and his stupid fucking friends trying to steal the stupid prophecy from me and landing the sexiest of my Death Eaters in jail. Especially Lucius! Purr! That Bellatrix Lestrange isn't so bad either. Sexy wench! Potter is definitely down on my sexiest list, but that Hermione Granger one! Oh BABY!

While in the department of mysteries, I wondered what would happen if I aimed a summoning charm at Granger's tits. Unfortunately, that Nott one knocked my aim off guard and I ended up on the floor with Arthur Weasley's son crotch first on my face! Even after several scouring charms I still feel unclean. I can't get the horrible picture out my mind either. Have tortured Nott most grievously!

I've broken Lucius Malfoy out of jail today (like it was hard!) and took delight with making him suffer, because he let Potter get away. God it's fun to be evil!

Halfway through of breaking him out, I ended up having a freaky go at one of the Dementors. Apparently the kiss of death is the kiss of heaven in some places. Will see about employing more.

Wormtail is driving me crazy! I resist the urge to kill him as he has so much valuable information (yeah right! The only reason I keep him is because he is exactly waist height!). He says the most horrible things like: "My Lord, we shall have to examine you very carefully. Just to see if there is anything is wrong, we shall see to it." and "My Lord, I think something is wrong, could you touch it to see if it is okay?" and "Bella, stop flirting with my toy, I mean my Lord!"

He is getting tiresome and...well downright disgusting! If only he was a little taller, I just might...well, you know. But Gawd all mighty the size of it! No wonder they called him Wormtail!

I am forming plans to capture Hermione Granger for two reasons. One: To lure Potter here and destroy him and, two: Adding to my personal pleasure! Lucius wants to capture her. He says he is being faithful! Yeah, right. He just wants a go at her before me!

Lucius never stops trying to take over MY job. "Let me get the prophecy, My Lord." "I shall bring Potter, My Lord." "No, I will sit in that comfy throne, My Lord." Honestly, is he a fucking dick wad or what? If he were not so damn sexy, I'd kill him. DEAD IN THE DIRT!

Lucius is really angry with me now because I tried to rape his son (Ha!)! He says he has been having second thoughts about our relationship. What relationship I might ask? Just because he has fine, defined muscles, an outdoor tan, platinum hair and a very large... oops! Got distracted there by his enormous... stupid Lucius.

Note to self: Stop talking in the third person.

Have heard Nott jeering me over the whole Lord Voldemort knows thing. By this I mean speaking in the third person. He says (and I quote), "Those people who talk in the third person are always psychos. Just look at Lucius' old house elf, Dobby!" He's just sour because I spent half of last night with Bellatrix. Ha ha! Fucking idiot! Am planning to punish him most grievously (again). So sorry I have to end this here but I must dash. I have to kidnap and rape Granger!

Lord Voldemort, the darkest of dark, the most evil of evil and... you get the idea!