Severus Snape Unleashed!

    “My secret love is a wheel of cheese!” cried Ron.

     “She looks yummy,” Harry said.

     “You dolt, that’s our friend! and the brains behind the operation! We’re totally screwed!”

     “900 points from Gryffindor for such language, Weasley,” Snape said. he then pulled out his wand.

“I sure hope I remember how to do this,” Snape said, aiming his wand at Hermione Cheese-Wheel. Ron and Harry swallowed hard and didn’t blink - the ultimate Harry Potter sign that this is Very Grave. Snape muttered something and a knife and plate appeared beside Hermione Cheese-Wheel. “Let’s eat!” Snape announced.

     “While it has always been my dream to eat Hermione, I’m afraid I can’t allow this, Severus.”

     “What the hell? Since when do you speak intelligently, Ron?”

     “Since when do you address teachers by their first names? 900 points from Gryffindor.”

     At that moment, Madam Hooch rounded the corner, looking stern and still wearing her freaky Quidditch goggles. Snape screamed like a girl and ran away, leaving Hermione uneaten. Madam Hooch picked up the cheese wheel and headed for the hospital wing, Harry and Ron on her tail.

     Snape stole quietly to McGonagall’s rooms and took back the mirror. He placed it sneakily in Argus Filch’s rooms. Behind something, because if Filch caught sight of himself in a mirror, he’d have killed himself on the spot. Snape then sat back and waited for the magic to unfold. He didn’t have to wait long. A spill in the second floor corridor brought Filch out for the first time since Snape had palced the mirror. When Filch showed up with his mop, there were tears running down his cheeks.

    “Why, Argus, whatever’s wrong?” Snape asked, sickeningly sweet.

     “I’m hearing voices again, Professor. Mrs. Norris hears it too, she told me so. She said the voices are saying nice things to her, but it is being simply awful to me.”

     “Well, Filch… wait one moment. Your cat talks to you?”

     “Of course. I love her. She’s the daughter I never had.”

     “Right… I think I can fix your problem, Argus. I’ll go to your room immediately.” Snape took the mirror away. The man had problems enough, he reasoned.

     Now where to put the mirror? Sorting Hat to the rescue!

    “GRYFFINDOR!” the hat shouted when Snape placed it upon the mirror.

    “Yes, but WHO in Gryffindor?”

     “GRYFFINDOR!!!”

     “You dolt.”

******

     With no more options, Snape decided to leave the mirror in Dumbledore’s office for safe-keeping. Dumbledore, while being exceptionally twinkly, was also quite intelligent and probably wouldn’t fall victim to the mirror.

     The next morning at breakfast, the entire school was curious as to why Dumbledore wasn’t there. Snape had an icky feeling that he had overestimated Dumbledore’s ability to figure out the mirror. He ate hurriedly and ran to Dumbledore’s office, which was empty. Snape cursed and began to comb the Hogwarts grounds for Dumbledore. He found him sitting at the base of the Whomping Willow.

     “Headmaster, what are you doing? That thing will kill you!”

     “Yes, Severus, I suppose it may.”

     “Don’t tell me you’re suicidal. I just can’t handle that right now.”

     “What would it matter to you?”

     “Oh, Merlin…” Snape cautiously walked over and sat beside Dumbledore. He wasn’t going to let fear of a tree rob him of his moment to have a Serious Talk. “Headmaster, whatever the voices in your head are saying, we can deal with it. Together. I love you, man!”

     Peanut Gallery: Awwwww….

     Random Drunk: Hey, that was on a Budweiser commercial!

     “Severus, that’s very sweet. I never realized you were capable of such kindness. I suppose its one of those things that strikes suddenly, when the author--er, I mean the powers that be--want you to be sympathic. Let’s frolic together!” Slow, sweet romantic music began playing as Snape and Dumbledore joined hands and frolicked, the wind blowing their hair.

     Ron spied them from a window and grabbed Hermione’s hand, pulling her outside where they, too, commenced frolicking. Soon the Hogwarts grounds were filled with frolicking students and staff (and their cats).

     An hour into the mass frolic, Hagrid looked out of his hut window and took in the spectacle of Snape jumping through a sprinkler. He ran out of his house and mowed down Snape. As he picked the somewhat smooshed Snape off of the ground, he growled as menacingly as possible. Given the fact that Hagrid’s weapon of choice is an umbrella, this was not very menacing.

     “Why did you do that, Hagrid?” Dumbledore demanded, finding himself suddenly without frolic partner.

     “There’s kids watchin’, Headmaster!”

     “Good point. Severus, don’t get wet in front of the kids. They don’t need an anatomy lesson from you.”

     Random Girl: “Oh yes we do! That’s a fine specimen of manhood. Let us inspect!”

     Everyone else: “Gross. Get that crazy girl out of here!”

     Hagrid went back into his hut. Giant men don’t frolic often. It’s possibly dangerous for all else who share the same Earth.

     “Stop everything!” Snape shouted. Everyone stopped mid-frolic, resulting in many crashes and fallings over. “What is the *point* of all this?”

     “Oh, Merlin,” Hermione said, leaving Ron’s side and approaching Snape. “Are you questioning the meaning of your life?”

     “No, Miss Granger. The meaning of the frolic. Of this chapter, actually.”

     “Severus, don’t be so skeptical. This chapter could end up being very important.”

     Foreshadowing sprinted across the field.

****

At that moment, Voldemort Apparated into the middle of the field.

     “YOU CAN’T APPARATE INTO HOGWARTS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU DOLTS? JIMINY CRICKET!”

     “Oh. Sorry!” Voldemort Disapparated.

     “YOU CAN’T DISAPPARATE EITHER, FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY!”

     He appeared again. In a right snit, he demanded, “What am I supposed to do then?” Hermione shrugged and turned back to Snape.

     “You’ve angered the Dark Lord, Hermione! He’ll kill you!” As Snape spoke, Voldemort raised his wand and aimed it at Hermione’s back. He drew in breath and opened his mouth to speak. Snape grabbed Hermione and pushed her behind himself.

    “Avada Kedavra!” Voldemort shouted. Green light flashed all around. A slow-motion bolt of green headed towards Snape, who stared at it with the bravery of a man who knows that the fic writer loves him, and won’t let him die. The bolt of doom ricocheted back towards Voldemort. “Shit, not again!” he said, just before the spell hit him. “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world… what a world….“ The students cheered as Voldemort sank to the ground, leaving a puddle of slime and a set of robes.

     “Why is it always me?” Snape asked forlornly. He turned and saw Hermione, tears in her eyes.

     “Oh, Severus! You risked your life to save me! How sweet! How noble! How… Dumbledore!”

     “I knew I wouldn’t die, obviously. I‘ll accept your gratitude, however. After all, there is no realistic way I could have survived. I suppose I was taking a chance.”

     Dumbledore strode forward, twinkling with knowledge. “Severus, I have an important question for you. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?”

     “Wait, what? I’m confused. When did I fly over the rainbow?”

     “Severus, we frolicked. You can’t go back to being bitter and sarcastic. You must be full of sweetness and light, and help children, and adopt a puppy!”

     “Let me think about that for a moment… no.” Snape strode back to the castle, his robes billowing behind him, his hair still slightly damp from the sprinkler. He stormed up to Dumbledore’s office and extracted the mirror. “Mirror, mirror-”

     “Not Sleeping Beauty, too, okay Severus? I can’t take it!” Mirror sighed. Snape nodded.

     “Just tell me what to do now,” Snape said, complete with a sigh and slightly lowered head - we’re now in Oh Holy Shit Crisis Mode. (Harry Potter style).

     “Turn the lights off and it will all fall into place.” Snape waved his wand at the lights, which went off. “It would have been cooler if I had a Clapper.”

     “Yes,” Mirror agreed.

     Snape stood in the dark for several moments, waiting for the answer to come to him. It did not. He waited. Still no answer.

     “Mirror… what am I waiting for?” Snape’s only response was silence. He flicked his wand and turned the lights back on, and found himself alone. The mirror was no longer there. “Now what do I do?”

    A creepy reverberating voice whispered, “Use the force!”

     Snape slammed his fist down on the table in front of him. “NO MORE INSANE MOVIE TIE-INS!” he shouted. “I have to do what I have to do.” Snape went back to his rooms to prepare his final speech as a Professor at Hog warts - well, his first speech, too. Stay tuned. This is going to be big.