Attention

Chapter Ten

Ginny propped her legs up on the stall door and sighed, vowing to include more fibre in her diet from now on. The celebratory sausages at breakfast, in honor of her finished Defence essay, had perhaps been a bad idea.

She hated using this bathroom. It always brought up memories of Tom, of her first year, but it wasn't as if she'd had much of a choice when looking for the nearest toilet five minutes ago. Ginny did not want to think anymore about Tom; talking to Harry the other day about her confused feelings for him had been bad enough.

'I was only eleven!' Ginny had protested in response to Harry's look of horror. 'How could I know what love is? Tom listened to me, he wrote back when I told him my troubles--remember how much of a crush I had on you? He made me feel that I was important. He paid attention to me, and he was the first person ever to do so. Do you wonder that I fell in love with him? It may not have been physical, but it was seduction nonetheless.'

'Seduction? It was rape!'

'No. No, it was not rape. Rape is something totally different, it--'

'Rape is a violation, it's--it's one person forcing themselves on another, it's--'

'It's only rape if the girl is unwilling,' Ginny had shot back, whereupon Harry had grown very silent.

'I'm sorry,' he'd said at last. 'I forget how persuasive he can be.'

Ginny grimaced and stared around the chipped stalls and at the floor, memories floating up from the dark place where she tried to keep them locked: Tom's voice, Tom's handwriting, Tom's apparent devotion; and then the horror of what she'd done. The worst part had been her parents' shock and disappointment, her father's angry 'What did I tell you?'

Ginny sighed, pushed the memories back into their corner, and reached for the toilet paper again.

Then she froze, her hand hovering over the spool.

Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode had just entered, and Pansy was crying hard enough to drown out even Myrtle.

'...and then--hic--she said--hic--that she'd make me--hic--even if she had to--hic--she had to use--hic--Imperius--hic--' Pansy wailed.

'Shh, Pans, it's all right...' Millicent said awkwardly.

Millicent's huge feet paused, and the knees bent as she checked the stalls for listeners. Ginny willed her wobbly knees to stay still, held her breath and clenched her abdominal muscles.

Millicent straightened as Pansy gave a great wet sniff.

'But Mum--in the letter--hic--'

Pansy must have written home, informing them that she'd broken up with Draco, Ginny realised, startled. And her mother had written her back, and now Pansy was crying in Myrtle's bathroom. Her pulse quickened and she felt her eyes widening.

'Forget the letter,' Millicent said bracingly, 'she can't do anything with you still here.'

'But the money--the company--they need the Mal-hic-foy fortune, it's going down the drain--'

'Don't worry about it now. There's a few months left before you're out of school. You can't marry until then. They'll just have to wait, Pansy. They'll just have to wait.'

Pansy gave another wet sniff, then blew her nose. 'I swear, if I have to marry Draco and deal with his flings and affairs and his--his crap, I'm going to make Granger pay for it.'

Hermione?

'You think he went after her? The Mudblood?'

'He as good as admitted it. You saw how he reacted--' Pansy broke off. 'Oh, that's right, you weren't there. You were--'

'Yes,' said Millicent tersely.

'Was it--was it really that bad?'

Ginny assumed that Millicent nodded, because Pansy sucked her breath in between her teeth.

'Can you... would you... would you tell me?' Pansy asked. She sounded nervous and apprehensive, even young, as she went on, 'You don't have to tell me, you know--'

'Do you really want to know?'

'I think--I think I should know what I'm getting into. Especially if I still have to marry that little shit; you know what he's destined for.'

Destined? Draco? Ginny did not want to hear this. She wanted to jump off the toilet and announce her presence, but her body was frozen.

'If you're sure,' said Millicent. Pansy must have nodded, because Millicent continued, 'Right, then. First, I had to prove my "devotion", as they call it. You know, that I agree with their beliefs. That part wasn't so bad.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah. I answered some questions, then he asked for testimonies to my devotion to the cause. Lucius spoke, Severus too--'

'Severus?'

'After all that? Yeah, I'm going to call him Severus.' Millicent took a deep breath. 'Right. They spoke, a few others... I recognized some of the voices: Montague, Avery, Theo's father... It was pretty simple.'

'And then?'

'Then I had to prove my skill, you know, curses and such. I duelled someone. I don't know who, so don't ask. He was masked. I must have done well, Severus says, because even though I lost, he didn't spend too long cursing me.'

'What? What do you mean?'

'I lost the duel, and for that, the Dark Lord punished me. But it wasn't as bad as some have been, Severus said.'

'Which--'

'Cruciatus,' Millicent interrupted, as if she didn't want to talk about it. She barrelled on, 'After the duel, and after the... punishment, I had to kill.'

'Kill?'

'It was just a Muggle.'

'Oh, of course.'

'I guess they've had people who've refused to do it. But I think it was more to see if I had the power for the Killing Curse.'

'And did you?'

'Of course I did. If I hadn't, do you think I'd be here?'

'S'pose not.'

'So I killed this Muggle--'

Killed this Muggle. Killed.

'--and it felt amazing. It's the first time I've ever killed a person. Just... wow. Power, Pansy. So much fucking power. You wouldn't believe how much it takes out of you, but then you get this amazing rush. It's a better high than... than anything.'

'Wow,' Pansy breathed. 'And that was it?'

Millicent laughed hollowly. 'No. No, that wasn't it. Then came the part where I had to prove my loyalty, how far I would go for him, what I would be willing to do. Of course, he expects unfailing devotion. And he's going to get it from me. He's such an amazing leader. I'd do anything for him. Anything.'

Ginny felt cold, and sweaty, and her heart was pounding so hard she wondered that they didn't hear it.

'And... what did you have to do?'

'Have sex with Severus.'

'What?' Pansy yelped, and Ginny clapped a hand over her own mouth to stifle a squeak. 'With... with Snape? But you--you don't--you aren't into boys...'

'No, I'm not. But think about it, Pansy. What better test of my loyalty? And I had to like it. I had to be enthusiastic about it, I had to do whatever Severus wanted, whatever he wanted Severus to tell me to do. I'm telling you,' she said with a sudden laugh, 'I honestly did not know my body could bend that way.'

Pansy made a noise of disgust, but Millicent went on, 'And he was inside my head the entire time. I couldn't hide anything from him. He could tell that I hated it, that it hurt, that I was completely disgusted, but he also knew that I was doing this for him.'

Ginny would have expected that to be said in horror or disgust, or even matter-of-factly, but Millicent sounded ecstatic.

'He's so powerful, Pansy. He's just so fucking powerful.'

'And...how was he?'

'How was who? Severus? Jeez, can't you think of anything else?' There was a thump. Millicent had punched Pansy in the arm.

'Ow! Hey! I think of other things... sometimes... when I have to.' Pansy giggled. 'Go on, how was he?'

Millicent snorted. 'He was okay. I wasn't really paying attention, you know. I had other things to think about at the time. I don't think he enjoyed it particularly--I think he's queer--but he was at least gentle. Can you imagine if it had been Lucius?'

'Hey, Lucius is pretty good.'

'Ew! You mean you've...'

'Once or twice,' Pansy said with another giggle. 'It was... educational.'

Ginny felt, if it were possible, even sicker.

'Gross! He's old enough to be your father!'

'So? He's better than Draco, and he's got more influence. And Snape's not that much younger, is he? But go on about the ceremony. You had to shag Snape, and then...?'

'Then... then I got my Mark.' Millicent's voice now trembled with emotion. 'I was considered worthy. It was... wow. Fucking wow. When he puts the brand on you, you feel him inside you, like he's crawling into your skin and getting inside your soul.' The next words came in a whisper. 'He's always with me, Pansy. I can feel him inside me now. You're never alone, and it's wonderful. It's better than sex. It's better than bloodletting.'

Ginny, lightheaded, bent her head down to her knees.

'And you like it?'

'It's amazing.'

'I hope it's worth it.'

'Oh, it is, believe me, it is.'

Ginny sat in shock, her nose pressed to her knees as her circulation got on with its job. She heard some zips, snaps, and the gush of running water--Pansy was adjusting her makeup.

'Anyway,' Pansy said finally, 'I'm going to owl Narcissa. She'll send it to Lucius. If the Mudblood's trying to sink her claws into Draco, I'll just have to start making her life hell.'

'Why do you care? If Draco's such a shit, don't bother.'

'I've got to, Millicent. You wouldn't understand,' Pansy said loftily. 'Boy-girl stuff.'

Millicent scoffed.

'And I'm no good at plotting revenge,' said Pansy with a final furious zip of her bag. 'But Lucius--'

'You know he'll kill Draco, too,' said Millicent conversationally, as their voices trailed out the door.

The last thing Ginny heard before the door clicked shut was Pansy's diffident 'So?'