Listen To You Breathing

Chapter 1 - Back to sanity

I've found a long way back to sanity again

Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do

When I get there...

Ron Weasley sat outside on a warm spring night, his long legs dangling off the thick stone railing he was perched upon, high above the Hogwarts grounds. He looked at the beautiful moon-kissed treetops of the Forbidden Forest below him , and felt his heart accelerate. It wasn't due to the height that he felt jittery however. His brown eyes darted sideways and rested on the face of the girl seated next to him, her slender legs crossed beneath her. It made him nervous, seeing her perched on the railing outlining one of the outside corridors of Hogwarts. He was slightly concerned that she might fall, though it didn't bother him in the least that he was right beside her at this dangerous elevation. His gaze lingered on the strangest things. her nose, so perfect and small, slightly upturned with moonglow making it shine milky white. Her hands, with her delicate fingers resting in her lap, one hand spinning the ring on the other absent-mindedly. Ron felt a hitch in his throat. He knew that habit. It was a nervous habit. She twirled her ring when she was nervous. It gave him reassurance. At least he wasn't the only nervous one out here.

"Ron?" Hermione's voice was lower than normal, almost sultry. Sultry? Did he REALLY just apply the word SULTRY to his best friend's voice. "Oh, cripes Ron, its not like you're making a pass at Harry for God's sakes." he reprimanded himself.

"Yeah?" Ron asked, his voice cracking. He cringed inwardly. Damn voice, it was doing that far too often lately.

"It is a lovely view and everything, but why exactly did you ask me to go walking with you? I appreciate it and all-" she corrected, and Ron thought he saw a bit of a blush on her cheeks "- but you said you had something important to talk to me about and I'm more than a bit curious." she finished, and if Ron weren't so nervous, he might've recognized a slight come-hither note to her voice; but only slight.

This was it! This was the moment of truth. He HAD to have courage. He needed to stay calm and just...talk. He opened his mouth, took a deep breath, gathered his courage and said "Do you want some pumpkin juice?? I snagged some from the Great hall at dinner?" The words came out in huge rush, and Ron had to physically tense up to keep from smacking himself on the forehead. IDIOT! This is Hermione, just talk to her. Just open your mouth and speak.

Hermione's face showed the smallest hint of disappointment, but she smiled gracefully (that smile again" Ron thought, his throat clenching) and nodded.

Ron fumbled inside his bag and pulled out two vials of pumpkin juice stoppered with corks. Hermione's smiled widened. "Why is it in potions vials?" she asked, as if she were trying to stifle a giggle.

"Oh." ron said, feeling a bit foolish "Well, I didn't want it to spill, so I had Harry lend me one of his unused potions vials and some of his pumpkin juice."

Hermione, instead of looking like she wanted to laugh, looked somewhere between impressed and anxious. "So..." she faltered. "So, Harry knows we're here?" she asked, trying to appear nonchalant, but seeming very nervous all of a sudden.

"Oh, no, not really." Ron explained, sensing he may've overstepped his boundaries. "I just said I was thirsty and wanted to take some pumpkin juice upstairs with me." Ron invented. In truth, he had started out with that story but Harry had known better, and without much pressing, Ron had given up and told Harry his plan (more or less).

"Oh." Hermione replied, trying not to sound so relieved. "That was really smart, Ron. I never would've thought of putting pumpkin juice in potions vials. I probably would have just cast a Stoppering Spell on the pitcher of juice." she finished. This left Ron feeling extremely stupid for not doing exactly that, but when he looked at Hermione's face she looked truly impressed. His chest eased a bit as he looked into her face, with its honest openness and its sweet, demure expression. And, miraculously, as though it was as natural as breathing, he leaned forward and opened his mouth.

"You know Herm, today when I was going after Malfoy, I would've killed him." he said simply. Hermione's brows knitted, and Ron could see she hadn't understood the gravity of his statement.

"What I mean is, I really would've killed him. He called you that...that...well anyway, I was more or less out of my head. I didn't even hear what everyone was yelling, I was just mad for a few seconds. All I wanted was to make him take it back, and I was going to do it any way I had to. I was going to kill him, and no one would've stopped me. Not Harry, not Dean, and damn well not bloody Snape!"

"RON. Watch you language." she said, thought with only an ounce of her normal conviction.

"Sorry." Ron said, without a thought to argue "But I mean, all you did was lay you hand on my arm and I just, sort of...quieted. No more anger, just calmness, you know?" Hermione's eyes were overbright and shining as she looked into his with rapt attention.

"Well, what I'm saying is...I mean, you're....you-" This was the hard part. It sounded so stupid inside his head, but there was no other way to say it. He HAD to say it, he had to..."you-well, when I'm so angry I'm about to go mad, you help me back to sanity." he finished. He had been right. Tat sounded exactly as stupid when he'd said it as it did in his head. Damnit, she was going to laugh. She was going to laugh in his face and he couldn't blame her!

But Hermione didn't look remotely like she was going to laugh. She was leaning into him, still staring wide-eyed at him, and when she spoke her voice quavered more than a little.

"Oh Ron." She quickly took a sip of pumpkin juice, her hand shaking as she set the bottle down.

"You-you don't know..." her voice grew quieter, until it was barely a whisper. Unconsciously, Ron leaned closer to hear her. "You don't know...how good you are." she finished, so quietly he wasn't she he had heard her right.

"What?" he asked, unsure of what she'd said because it had been so soft. As soon as he said it he mentally kicked himself. He'd startled her by being so close. Her head jerked upward, and they were nose to nose. So close he could feel her breath on his face, on his mouth. He found he didn't care what she'd just said, he just cared to look deep in him and find the courage to lean forward a fraction, just half an inch. Through lowered lashes, he saw Hermione close her eyes dreamily, and lean inward. His head lurched, and he closed his eyes, but he didn't feel her lips on his, instead he felt her whole weight fall against him suddenly.

"Hermione?!" He said loudly, as he nearly toppled backwards from the shock of her. His eyes flew open and he saw that her face was bloodless, her lips pale and nearly indistinguishable from the rest of her face. He wrapped his long arms around her and lowered himself off the railing. He lifted her gently down and lowered her to the ground, kneeling beside her. He put his hand on her face and drew it away again quickly. Her face was cold as stone.

"Hermione!" he whispered urgently. She didn't respond. Without another word, he snaked one arm under the crook of her knees and lifted her easily off the ground. She's so light he thought.. He stood up on long limbs and began to run. He ran as fast as he could towards the hospital wing, skidding at the corners. He noticed as he ran that her head bobbed hard as he stepped. He shifted her against his chest and cradled her head against him. She has to be okay. There's nothing wrong wit her, she's just fainted. That has to be it. She can't be hurt, she cant! Not NOW!

"MADAME POMPFREY" he yelled, still a good ten feet from the hospital wing door. "Madam Pompfrey, help! Please help!" his voice sounded out of his control, rising and cracking hysterically. He no longer made sense of things, he was so panicked. The nurse came out of her office, disoriented. "Mr Weasley, what is the meaning of-" her words stopped as she caught sight of Hermione's face. "Put her down on the bed." she ordered. She pulled her wand out of her bathrobe, made a circular motion and spoke into the glowing stream of light her wand had left. Her voice suddenly magnified all around Ron and echoed into the corridors.

"Professor Dumbledore, to the hospital wing now please! It's urgent!" she waved her wand and spoke in her normal voice again. "Mr. Weasley, please step back. Let me see her. "

Ron didn't hear her. He had Hermione's face between his hands, and he was looking at her, his face so close to her that their noses touched. "Please, Hermione, wake up. Open your eyes you can't be hurt now. we were so close, Hermione please, just open your eyes" But Hermione lay quite still, her eyes shut and her face colorless. Feeling tears in his eyes and his breath coming in short gasps, Ron brushed the side of his face against the smooth white skin of her check, then wrapped his arms around her and held her to him. "Please, don't be hurt now." he whimpered, his voice shaking.

The next thing Ron knew, he was being pulled gently but firmly off Hermione. He fought and wrestled to return to her, pulling with strength he didn't know he possessed. Faintly, in the back of his mind it registered that someone was speaking to him, but he ignored it. A voice said

"I'm sorry Mr Weasley, but you must calm down." a bright flash of light, and Ron fell limp into strong arms, and knew no more.

Take a breath and hold on tight

And spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

It was a sunny, not so very special day outside on the Hogwart's grounds. Ron, Hermione and Harry sat by the edge of the lake, enjoying the heat and talking of the Charms essay that Hermione had just completed, and Harry and Ron had yet to start. Ron felt all together wonderful. After all, no bad news of Voldemort had reached them, Harry was quite cheerful and they were annoying Hermione with their refusal to do homework (Ron's favorite pastime)

Hermione had just now given up tut-ing at them for their horrible work ethic.

"Its so warm out today." she said happily, as she removed her shoes and socks. "I'm going to put my feet in the water. Care to join me?" she asked the other two.

"No thanks." Harry said, pulling a face. "I spent quite enough time in that lake last year."

"Oh fine then, be a scaredy cat!" said Hermione playfully. "Ron?"

Ron jolted. He wasn't sure why he had jolted, but something had definitely been a bit different in the way she'd said his name just then. You're being daft, mate. He told himself. It's the heat getting to you. Why should the way she says your name make any difference to you? "Yeah, sure. Love to." he said, pulling himself up and striding down towards the lake beside Hermione.

"Sure is a terrific day outside." Ron said, offhandedly. "It'd be a great day for flying."

Hermione grimaced. Ron knew she didn't enjoy flying at all, but he kept thinking if he could just get her on a broomstick with him for a few minutes, he could show her how much fun it was, and that it wasn't as terrifying as she made it out to be.

"Why is it you're always so pushy about getting me off the ground?" Hermione asked, as they reached the edge of the lake, which today was clear and cool. "I happen to like being on a nice, solid surface. Its much more my style. Flying free like mad sparrows in heat is a bit more your and harry's personality." she said, a smile behind her voice. Ron laughed out loud at the analogy. Hermione could be quite funny when she wanted. he thought as he cast his eyes on the sunny hills overlooking the castle.

"You rather shine when you laugh." she said.

Ron looked at her, and his stomach dropped. She was standing ankle deep in the water, holding her robes up with one hand and pushing her curls out of her face with the other. The sun was behind her, and shone through her brown hair, casting a glow like a halo around her face. She was grinning at him, squinting one eye against the sun with her head cocked just so slightly to the left. Her skin was brown and a bit freckled, and the sun played off her lip gloss, making it shine. She was the most beautiful thing Ron had ever seen. He found himself totally at a loss, unsure of exactly who he was seeing. Hermione wasn't beautiful, she was just....Hermione. Yet here she was, in front of him, standing in the sparkling water of the lake, grinning at him with her hair flying around like spun gold, being unabashedly beautiful.

It was that moment-that exact second- when Ron Weasley realized he was in love; completely, utterly, madly in love.

"Ron! Ron!! Wake up" came a voice, unbidden and unwelcome into his head. He was instantly annoyed; he wanted to be left alone to enjoy his thoughts. Who was that yelling inside his head?!

"RON!"

Ron jerked awake. He sat bolt upright, his heart pounding. As he looked around, his eyes fell on Harry, looking anxious. Behind Harry was a bed, with Hermione lieing on it, still as death.

"Harry?" Ron said, still disoriented. "What happened? Is Hermione alright?" he asked suddenly, remembering the previous night, remembering how she'd gone cold and limp...how scared he'd been...and how close they'd been.

"Dumbledore had to put you out. You were hysterical, he said. He didn't want to hurt you, but you were just out of your head. So he stunned you..." Harry answered calmly.

"And Hermione?" Ron asked. "Is Hermione alright? She just fainted right? She's not sick or anything?"

Harry remained silent, looking intently at Ron. Only then did Ron notice the dark circles under his friend's eyes, the tousled look of his hair, as though he hadn't been to bed. Ron's heart plummeted.

"Harry," he said, his voice cracking "Tell me shes alright. Shes got to be alright. There wasn't anything wrong with her!" he practically shouted, feeling panic rising quickly in his chest.

Harry looked down, and heaved a long sigh. His shoulders slumped and he looked so beaten that Ron felt a swell of pain for his friend.

"She was poisoned." Harry said, barely above a whisper.

"WHAT?"

"The....the pumpkin juice I gave you. It had a potion in it. Something poisonous. It was-was meant for me." Harry looked up and met Ron's eyes and Ron saw that his eyes were bloodshot and miserable. "They were trying to get at me."

"Shes not...she can't be..."Ron began, feeling the world spinning quickly out of control

"She's not dead." Harry said quickly. "Shes....sick, though. Not sure if shes going to be alright or not. They don't truly know what kind of potion it was, so they're not sure what to do for her. Madame Pompfrey says we've just got to wait for her to come out of it, if she can." Harry put his head in his hands and his fingers tightened in around his hair. "I'm sorry Ron." he said,and it sounded raw and barely controlled, as though coming through clenched teeth..

Ron was jerked back to reality. "Sorry? For what? Its not your fault every bloody one is out to get you." he said, feeling the wave of nausea he had been experiencing subside as he heard that Hermione wasn't gone...that she was still here. She could still be okay.

"Yeah, but Ron, if I hadn't-" Harry began. Ron cut him off.

"Listen mate, I asked you for the juice. You couldn't have known, no one could've. It's not your fault, and anyone with any brains could see that." Harry didn't lift his head off his hands, but he didn't disagree. Ron was glad. He didn't want Harry to think he blamed him, but right now he wasn't prepared for a long talk with his friend about how this couldn't possibly be his fault. He just wanted to see Hermione. He got up and walked over to her bedside. She was laying with her eyes closed, a seemingly endless mass of curly hair spilling over her pillow and onto her shoulders. Her lips were still pale and colorless. She looked so white it was impossible to tell if she was alright or.....not.

Ron felt a lump rise in his throat. He leaned down and put his ear to her mouth. A soft, easy wind hit his ear. Barely audible, but it was there. He could hear her breathing. That was all tha mattered. At first, he felt a huge surge of relief just to hear her breath coming out of her, to know she was alive, but his relief was suddenly replaced by a horrible weight of regret. He was standing here, being so in love with her it was difficult to breathe, and she didn't even know it.

He had wanted nothing more than for her to know how he felt. She couldn't be gone without knowing. He'd had the perfect chance, and he hadn't told her, and now what if she never knew. He felt hot tears welling in his eyes, and knew he needed to be alone.

"Harry, mate, go on up to bed. You look terrible." Ron ordered. He hoped Harry wouldn't object. He wanted to be able to just sit with her and look at her without anyone around.

Harry raised his head, and looked at Ron for what seemed like a very long time. Then he nodded, his eyebrows slightly raised, and got up.

Ron was still looking at Hermione as he heard he door to the hospital wing open, and then harry's voice came again.

"You don't have to be sorry, you know. She knows." he said, and before Ron could turn and ask him to explain himself, Harry was gone.

Ron stared after his friend, wondering if he had meant what Ron thought he'd meant. But Harry couldn't know how Ron felt. Ron had only known how he felt for a few days. Yet how else could he have said something so fitting?

Ron put his cheek down to Hermione's mouth again, and felt her breath coming softly. As long as she keeps breathing. He raised his head to look at her face again, white and smooth with dark hair all around it. She looked like a sleeping angel, perfect and astonishing. Ron raised his head and looked around at the hospital wing, with all is clean white linen and walls, then back at Hermione. Just like an angel in heaven. he thought, tears leaking out now, and falling onto the cotton gown Hermione was wearing. He lowered his head, slowly and carefully, onto her chest, facing up towards her face. He could hear her breathing from here. She smelled like clean cotton and cinnamon. I'll lay here until she wakes up. I won't leave. I can hear her breathing, so if anything is wrong, I'll know. he thought, as he closed his eyes to hear her breath coming, and the soft thumping of her heartbeat through her chest, tears falling in hot splashes onto the fabric of her gown.

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't wanna speak tonight

That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more

Than to sit outside Heaven's door

And listen to you breathing

It's where I wanna be, yeah

Where I wanna be...