At Any Moment II

Severus I

12 months later...

I'm surprised to see myself opening this journal again as I have for the last week or so. What surprises me more now is that I've again chosen to begin writing in you again. Unlike that first appearance in what still seems like a different lifetime ago, I actually feel no compulsion to write - or perhaps more correctly, I feel no outside compulsion to continue to use you as my confessor.

I wonder what changed in the interim?

A flippant question with an equally flippant answer waiting I've no doubt, but Arcanus, it is my time to thank you and I would appreciate you being silent as I try and work out how exactly to start.

I think at this point I'd be more surprised if you did finally decide to stick your oar in, but it can wait until I've tried to make sense of the jumble of my mind. I'm still in somewhat of a quandary as to how I ended up being one of those whom you decided to gift, though gift is probably the wrong word - treasure would be better.

That night...gods that night seems etched forever in my memory though the first part of the beginnings I could have done without, all of it - the mirror, the pain, the carnage all around me - all of it made sense once I'd started to recover my equilibrium. So many wasted lives, so much suffering and so much relief when it was all finally done with. I gained my freedom in that very final moment, and I only realised it a few weeks ago.

It's been playing on my mind and you...this journal...well, it worked before to help me make sense of things; even if it never seemed so at the time, so I'm hoping it might just help me now.

I have a parchment sitting in front of me that I had never thought to ever be able to personally deliver. I've had it in my mind for years, that upon my death it would be found in amongst my personal belongings. I've had this letter ever since I turned twenty-one; after my first year of teaching was over, and I knew in my heart of hearts that given half the chance I would have cheerfully murdered the little buggers if not released from my contract. It contains the most deliberately chosen words all couched in the broadest terms, but with some addenda, and they leave Albus knowing in no uncertain terms that it is time for me to leave this...sanctuary and start making a place for myself in the greater world. I'm still of two minds whether I might make that world a little more Muggle than many might suspect me capable of. And then the old devil decided to go away for a few weeks leaving the school in Minerva's capable hands. He'll keep, but he'll not dissuade me from my decision, even though I do know he'll try.

This last year has been trying! I've been reading everything that I could; including a few of Albus' more esoteric tomes, as I tried to work out exactly what happened on the field of battle, but to no avail. So I suppose that I must ask you, Arcanus to fill in those most precious blanks in my memory. Albus did tell me once all had been resolved that you would - and could - be most elusive if you felt the answer wasn't really necessary to, 'the greater scheme of things.' It's just my luck of course to have a scheming Headmaster in collaboration with a scheming journal. How the Fates must be laughing at that irony, particularly as I have been someone who always sought a more concrete answer. No matter, I will not be dissuaded from my path and I have 'things' all arranged for my new life and...freedom.

How I relish that word. It is like the sweetest peach on the warmest of summer days. An enticing mix of so many different things that I'm unsure of how to define it otherwise, except to say that I never thought to find myself at a loss in defining it. I am a free man after so many years, granted a 'manumission' I had never expected - well, not expected to be living through at any rate. You will have to excuse my wholly enthusiastic glee at the prospect of being able to look beyond the horizon of expectation, Arcanus. It is a position that I find myself thoroughly enjoying and all the more ready to experience away from your home...and by default, my home as well. That it has been my home for so long is not lost on me, but I almost feel as though it has taken me an extraordinarily long time to learn what I needed to learn, and longer still to work out that I need to be away from this place. I...I feel everything stifling me and there is a whole life ahead of me to enjoy - starting now. The students will be finished with their final N.E.W.T examination shortly and I'm sure that they will be most put out by the fact that their most hated teacher really couldn't give a toss about correcting their papers. It is almost as though I want to see if I can manage to make it away from the school grounds before they...escape on the Hogwarts Express tomorrow.

All of this ruminating is of course dependant on Albus having the good grace to show up for the Leaving Feast this evening, but present or not, I shall tender my resignation to Minerva and be done with it.

He, Albus, was like this after the battle as well. Just hared off for nearly two weeks afterwards and couldn't be found anywhere. I have no doubt that the Ministry of Magic held him prisoner to their whims for a considerable portion of that time, but I've no doubt he stayed away a little longer deliberately. He knew all too well that Minerva and I wanted some rather frank answers to the whole mystery behind your appearance, and the resultant unpredictable end to the whole thing. For Potter to calmly raise his wand and merely utter two words; disgustingly simple though it appeared to be, was unexpected. To then find myself shielding both Minerva and Miss Granger from the malicious depravity of Lucius Malfoy was another thing entirely.

I don't know what made me jump in front of them, all the while trying to shield them from Lucius' wrath, but I did exactly that and...then there was that light engulfing everything and everybody. It seemed to be emanating from me though I've no idea why and I could sense its benevolence in a way. It's very hard to describe and even with the benefit of thinking about it for a whole year, it still seems unreal. It's almost as though I am trying to remember something life changing but without the vocabulary to adequately describe the peace of that light - the blinding peace and hope that that light promised in some unspoken way. It sounds all too trite, but in that moment I felt invincible, though not so invincible that I didn't have the most appalling headache and general malaise for about a week after the battle.

When the light finally dissipated, I was left with the sneering visage of Lucius Malfoy dead at my feet; with not a mark on him, and the unconscious forms of Minerva, Miss Granger, Potter and Weasley. Potter even had the temerity to have a slight smile on his face. That self serving smug knowledge of realising that Voldemort was finally gone this time. I suppose; in retrospect, I should at least give the little bastard the credit for removing the collar and leash from around my neck, but to be completely honest, I really couldn't be bothered giving the little cretin something else to gloat about. As the 'saviour' - and how that word irks me - of our world, he will have by now received so much praise that to add my voice to the throng would be at best...well, I'm not altogether sure what the best would be, but I didn't want to do it! That makes me sound like a selfish prick, and maybe I am in a roundabout way, but he should have been thanking me for shielding his sorry hide all those years.

I'm digressing again, but how he infuriates me even still.

I was questioned, re-questioned and then summoned before the Aurors' time and again in the days following it all, whilst Potter was left to his 'adoring throng' of supporters. Not once did I see him query anyone as to the whereabouts of Miss Granger, but then it seemed quite obvious that his brain had left for lower quarters once his depression had abated, and he started to foster a liking for some of his more enthusiastic supporters. I took great glee in informing Minerva that Mr Weasley had also thoroughly enjoyed his moment in the spotlight with Potter's cast-offs. She threatened to hex me if I gave her details and it would have almost been worth it to watch her go a delicate shade of green.

It was my only real spot of mirth in those weeks following the end of it all.

I keep coming back to the light, but more than the light, there was the oddest sensation of knowing absolutely that those who were dying around me were releasing their souls onto the wind. It wasn't tangible in any other way than I knew it was happening because there would be the oddest waft of sudden breeze around me suddenly; at a slightly cooler temperature, and then the muffled sound of a body falling near me. Then I'd look around as if expecting that someone had merely tripped over some patch of scuffed dirt, only to see a lifeless body staring back at me. You know, Arcanus, I had expected people to grimace, to show signs of pain and shock, but most had the oddest sense of peace about them - as though having left this earth they could wander wherever they felt the urge to go. In fact, I think the only faces that looked as tormented; as I supposed all of them should have looked, were those who'd thrown their lot in with Riddle. I sense wherever they now wander, it isn't at all peaceful, but then perhaps that's my own evaluation and it is; in its own way, thankfully uniformed from a first hand perspective.

Carnage...

That's all I really remember clearly. Looking at all the lives around me...wasted, and knowing that for whatever reason, I should have been one of them. That I wasn't found, magically tagged and lifted gently onto a stretcher for burial or burning, leaves me with the sober impression that I still have quite a lot of living left to do. I do however grieve for those who could not continue their own personal journey as well - yes even those who followed blindly after Riddle's madness and megalomania. I would at least like to think that most of them had no idea of what they'd shackled themselves to, but for some, it might just have been a release to let go of this world. I do hope that wherever they wander now it's at least a bit more peaceful that Riddle's unwholesome vision would have created.

Strangely enough, I do extend the hope of peaceful resolution to Lucius and...a few others as well. I know he didn't ever really deserve my sympathy for his passing, and I am glad I am writing this instead of him. He would be sitting here gloating over a victory that would have seen so much killing and prejudice as a 'just' reward, but I can't help wondering if; with the turning of the pendulum, his life might not have been better without his upbringing. That suggests that I might have done better, when my own upbringing was less than a perfect ideal, but to turn on your mother and spew so much hatred at her was his own undoing in a way. I still don't really understand why I stepped in front of Minerva and Miss Granger, but I did, and when it was all finally done, I helped transport both of them up the makeshift Infirmary on the lawn in front of the main entrance.

I have a feeling it's something I'll have to think about for a while longer...

I had to wait for nearly a week after the battle before Minerva had the good grace to wake up and distract me from the urge to hex most of the Ministry into oblivion. It would have ensured that I may just have found out from a first hand perspective just how tormented my soul might be, but Minerva stayed my hand on more than one occasion. I repaid her in turn when Albus finally showed up two weeks later, as though nothing untoward had happened in the interim.

Albus, in his typically frustrating and cryptic tone, said that he'd had, 'a few things to do' and then left it at that. He didn't apologise to either of us and I dare say Minerva had more than a few words to say on that issue alone...once I'd left his office. I'd not actively thought about it until now, but they do; in a roundabout sort of fashion, actually complement each other.

It's an idle wish, but perhaps now that I have chosen to leave Hogwarts, I might also be able to find someone who complements me.