Interview With Lucius Malfoy

Interview With Lucius Malfoy

INTERVIEWER: Evening, Mr. Malfoy.

What's this all about? What've you got a camera for? I don't know what you think you're going to prove, but you'd best get out of my house with that camera.

INTERVIEWER: A bit paranoid tonight, sir? My name is Willow von Weasel, and I'd just like to ask you a few questions...

Not without my attorney present, you won't!

INTERVIEWER: Easy, there, sir. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'd just like to have an interview with you for my newspaper...

Oh. Uh... of course... I knew that. I suppose you could come in, Miss...

INTERVIEWER: Von Weasel. Willow von Weasel.

Whatever. (mutters something under his breath)

INTERVIEWER: Pardon, Mr. Malfoy?

Nothing. Just having a small malicious aside is all. Now, out with those questions and out of my house. I'm a busy, busy man.

INTERVIEWER: I appreciate the hospitality. Why don't we start with your childhood?

Not very interesting if you ask me. But since you did ask me, and since I'm pressed for time, I'll give you the CliffsNotes version: I was born, I grew up, I attended Hogwarts, I graduated, I married Narcissa, and we had a kid and named him Draco.

INTERVIEWER: Draco? What the hell kind of name is that?

What the hell kind of name is Willow von Weasel? That can't be your real name.

INTERVIEWER: I'll have you know that it is. But moving right along, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Respected and well liked. Nothing more. Nothing less.

INTERVIEWER: Admirable goals. Do you feel you've achieved this?

To a degree. But now I could care less what people think of me, as long as they still respect me.

INTERVIEWER: What is your favorite book?

Self Defense With Bellybutton Lint: Volume 4.

INTERVIEWER: You're kidding.

Of course I'm kidding, you moron. I don't read books. I have better things to occupy my time.

INTERVIEWER: Like being interviewed?

It's not high on the list. Are you nearly done?

INTERVIEWER: I've got one more question for you.

Shoot.

INTERVIEWER: BANG! Hahahaha... I kill me.

Mind if I help?

INTERVIEWER: Lucius, you are quite the kidder.

I wasn't kidding. And I'd thank you to refer to me as Mr. Malfoy. We are not on a first name basis, Miss von Weasel, and I don't think I'd like for us to be. Just ask your stupid question and get on with it.

INTERVIEWER: Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to briefly discuss the goodie two-shoes on everyone's hit list, Harry Potter.

Hmm... I think I could come to like you, Miss von Weasel. What about him?

INTERVIEWER: Do you remember when the little brat tricked you out of your house elf? You got murderous on the kid. You started to say the killing curse, but the elf stopped you. How does it feel to have been one word - ONE LITTLE SEVEN LETTER WORD - away from killing Potter, only to be stopped by a lowly house elf?

Hmm... I was quite murderous indeed. It felt sort of like that time a very annoying woman with a stupid name showed up on my doorstep, and started incessantly asking me totally irrelevant questions.

INTERVIEWER: Okay, this annoying woman can take a hint, so I'll be leaving now. I'd say it was nice meeting you, Mr. Malfoy, but I'm a terrible liar. Toodles.

Don't let the door hit you in the rear-end on the way out. My door doesn't deserve that sort of punishment. Goodbye Miss von Weasel, and good riddance.