In the Mind of Sirius Black

The way she walks and talks to you and looks at you, and shouts at you and screams at you and perhaps (on an odd occasion) slaps you and … well I could go on forever.

     I’m currently sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room. I am sitting in the darkest corner of the room.

     No one can see me here. I am safe. This is the place where I can ponder upon my devious plans…

    James is still at Quidditch practice. It’s Remus’s time of the month. And Peter is, well a dickhead. I don’t have a single clue where he is. He doesn’t matter, he will never spoil my brilliant plan. NEVER!

    Anyway, this is the perfect time. The moment I’ve been waiting for.

    This is the second of all seconds, the minute of all minutes, the hour of all hours, the day of all days, the week of all weeks, the month of all months, the year of all years, the decade of all decades, the century of all centuries, - err -

    - the time is currently 09:04pm, and I have used my cunning abilities to camouflage myself against the surroundings of the common room. I am about to make my first move…

    I begin walking towards the soft chair in which Lily Evans is momentarily sitting. I am walking in a very un-suspicious way, indeed.

    To cover up my perplexity and deviousness, I choose to begin whistling a tune that doesn’t really have a tune at all.

     I congratulate myself at this well-chosen move. Whistling. Absolutely marvellous. If only I had arms long enough, I would pat myself on the back. Damn! Damn!

    ‘Blast! Damn! Why are these arms not long enough! Curse you insignificant, useless devices!!’ I scream.

    Lily turns around. She is looking at me.

    NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My evil, devious plan has failed! Curse you Lily Evans!

    ‘Sirius’ she said, ‘are you ok?’

    ‘Yes!’ I say.

    I turn and walk away, sweeping my billowing black robes in the process. I return to HQ.

    Sitting, once again, in the darkest, deepest corner of the Gryffindor Common Room.

    Lily Evans…Lily Evans…if it was not for her stupidity and idiocy, my master plan would have been able to take place. How dare she question me, me Sirius Black. Of course I’m not alright.

    ‘I’m not alright!!!’ I shout, for no major purpose.

    She looks at me again. Then looks away. WHY! What is wrong with me? Eh? Am I some sort of freak that has one eyeball bigger than the other? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

    ‘Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?-’

    ‘Eh?’ James says, ‘Sirius are you ok?’

    I whip my head around to face James. James Potter…James Potter…he likes Lily Evans…he likes Lily Evans…Lily Evans…Lily Evans…

    ‘Sirius! Are - you - sure - you’re - o - k - a - y?’ James repeated.

    Okay…okay…okay…Lily Evans…Lily Evans…okay…Lily Evans…not okay…not okay…Lily Evans…not okay…

    ‘Hey Sirius, did you know you’ve got one eyeball bigger than the other!’ James laughed, pointing at my left eye.

    ‘I’M NOT OKAY!’ I bellow, ‘I AM NOT OKAY!’

    With the rapid amounts of anger stored inside my body, I abruptly stand up.

    James looks at me. So does Lily.

    So does her friend. So does the little first year. So does the big first year. So does the mangy cat. So does the girl over there. So does the girl over there. So does the boy over there. So does the dickhead over there. - Oh wait, that’s just Peter. So does the person over there. So does the person over there- AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

    ‘I AM NOT OKAY! LILY EVANS! JAMES POTTER! OKAY! LILY! OKAY! JAMES! I AM! EVANS! NOT OKAY! POTTER! OKAY! MANGY RAT! OKAY! LILY! POTTER! OKAY! SPOIL! RUIN! DEVIOUS! PLAN! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!’

    I can’t stand it anymore! Everyone is looking at me as though I am their local maniac! What is wrong! Lily Evans!?!?!?? Not okay! She spoiled my devious and cunning plan for the last time.

    ‘You have spoiled my devious and cunning plans for the last time, Evans!’ I shout. I then turn and run out of the Common Room.

    Finally. Peace and quiet. I can now continue my treacherous and devious plans in peace.

    No thanks to Lily Evans. She ruined it. She ruined it all! She ruined everything. She will pay. She will pay dearly!

    ‘MMOOIIHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAA.’ I take a deep breath, ‘HHAAAHHAAHHAAAHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!’