The Epically Bad Tale of Ron and Hermione, Part One

The Epic Love Story of Ronald Bilius Weasley and Hermione Jane Granger, as told by Seren.

Prologue : The reckoning

Owl : *flies in*
Hermione : Oh look, a letter from Krum.
Ron : *storms and stomps his feet*
Harry: *is vastly amused*
Ron: Vicky is a git.
Hermione: You are a prat.
Ron: I HATE YOU!
Hermione: *leaves in high dudgeons*
Harry: What's dudgeons?
Owl: *hoots in amusement* Humans.
Ron : ....did that owl just speak?

Act One : In which Harry pesters Hermione, and Ron gets a wakeup call.

Scene One - In the Library
Harry : Hermione, why do you fight with Ron all the time?
Hermione : I don't suppose the fact that he's a neanderthalic, heartless imbecile has anything to do with it.
Harry : ....what?
Hermione : Look, Harry, Ron's just a prat, He hates me. He tells me all the time. He can barely look at me. *is upset*
Lightbulb : *goes off over Harry's head*
Madame Pince : Shut that light off! You're blinding the other students.
Harry : Sorry. *clicks light off*
Hermione : *continues to read *
Harry : Hermione... you like Ron, don't you?!
Hermione : Thank you, Captain Obvious. How long did it take you to figure that out?
H/Hr Shippers : NO!!!! HARRY AND HERMIONE FOREVER!!!!!!
Seren : Shut up, you, this is my story.
fireboltflyer : *giggles*

Scene Two - In the Gryffindor Common Room
Ron : *grunts*
Ginny : What's up, pathetic brother of mine?
Ron : NOYGDB.
Ginny : What's that mean?
Ron : You're too young to know.
Ginny : TOO YOUNG THIS! *casts Bat-Bogey-Hex*
Ron : *screams like a little girl*
Ginny : Now that I have your attention...
Ron : *continues to shriek*
Ginny : Ron, I know you like Hermione.
Ron : How do you know?
Ginny : Well, the fact that you moan "Hermione, I like you" in your sleep was the first big tipoff.
Ron : ....I HATE YOU!
Ginny : Shut it, prat. Shut up.
Ron : *glares*

Act Two - In which Harry and Ginny conspire, Seren begins her abuse of D/Hr shippers, and Cedric gets to soak H/Hr Shippers.

Scene One - In the Corridors
Ginny : They've got to admit that they fancy one another.
Harry : They'd better soon, or they'll kill one another.
Ginny : I suppose that works too.
Draco : *enters snarkily*
Ginny : *rolls her eyes*
Harry : ... what does Snarky mean?
Seren : Someone get this boy a dictionary!
Draco : The Mudblood will get with me, Potty. And so will the Weaselette. Opposites attract!
D/Hr Shippers : Yay!
Seren : Hey! Who's writing this?!
Ginny : Shut it, Draco.
Harry : *puts hand on Ginny's back and begins to steer her away from Draco*
H/G Shippers : Woohoo!
Seren : GET OUT OF MY BLASTED STORY, FOOLS!

Scene Two - On the Grounds of Hogwarts.
Ginny : We could fake love letters to each of them.
Harry : I'm not sure your brother would understand all the big words Hermione uses.
Ginny : I'm not sure he can read at all.
Harry : I've wondered that too...
Draco : *continues to be annoying*
Harry : *continues to ignore him*
H/D Shippers : *begin to cheer and are shot down by Seren*
Ginny : Maybe they need counseling.
Harry : For what?
Ginny : They're clearly in denial.
Harry : How are we going to manage that? "Hi, my name is Ronald Weasley, and I am in love with my best friend." Can you see Ron doing that?
H/Hr Shippers : No, but we can see you doing that, Harry!
Cedric : *runs in with a water gun and douses H/Hr Shippers*
fireboltflyer : *laughs uncontrollably*

Act Three - Things get tense

Scene One - The Great Hall
Ron : Bicker bicker bicker bicker Vicky bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker nerd.
Hermione : Bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker Stupid Moron bicker bicker.
Ron : Bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker prat bicker.
Hermione : This is such a monotonous conversation.
Harry : What does -
fireboltflyer : *hands Harry a dictionary*
Harry : Who in bloody hell are you?
fireboltflyer : I'm just here to see Robert Patterson.
Ron : *is more confused than normal*
Ginny : Oh look! There's going to be another dance!
Harry : WHAT?
Ron : Why?
Ginny : *shrugs* Because that's what the author wanted.
Harry and Ron : *glare at Seren*
Seren : What?
Hermione : Come on, Ginny, let's go to the dorm and act totally out of character by giggling over boys. I'll even talk about my hair.
Ginny : Okay! *they leave*
Harry : So, Ron, who're you going to ask?
Ron : *scowls darkly*
Lightbulb : *goes off over Harry's head again*
Ron : Turn that thing off!
Harry : Sorry. *turns off*
Harry : Just ask her. I know you've been wanting to.
Ron : *walks off in a miserable, moping fashion*

Scene 2 - Hermione's Dorm Room
Ginny : Giggle giggle fancy robes giggle.
Hermione : Giggle giggle hair giggle.
R/Hr Shippers : GET ON WITH IT!
Ginny : Who're you going with to the ball?
Hermione : Oh, no one, I suppose.
Ginny : You're not going to go with some fabu Quidditch Player?
Hermione : Sorry, they've already used that plot device. Didn't work last time.
Viktor Figurine : Tell me about it.
Ginny : Why don't you ask Ron?
Hermione : Because I'm supposed to be stubborn and wait for him to make the first move.
Ginny : You're going to die an old maid.
Hermione : Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Ginny : Any time.
Crookshanks : *purrs*
Hermione : *grumps*
Cho Malfoy : GET ON WITH IT!

Scene 3 - On the Grounds of Hogwarts with Ron
Ron : *continues to scowl*
Draco : *wanders out snarkily*
Whomping Willow : *whomps about*
Draco : Look at the Weasel, all alone and sad because I'm going to get with Hermione.
D/Hr shippers : Hoorah!
Eternal_Gore : *rushes out and beats them with a hardcover copy of OOTP*
Ron : She's annoying. She's a know-it-all. She has bushy hair. Why her?
HP Fans : Because Jo said so, doofus.
Ron : Who asked you all? *sighs* She's the girl of my dreams...
Draco : Well, I'm going to ask her to the ball, because we need a new plot device to get your rear in gear.
Ron : EAT SLUGS, MALFOY!
Draco : *starts barfing slugs*
Ron : Hey, it worked! *leaves*
Cho Malfoy : Could he be any more dense?

Act 4 - Hogsmeade

Scene 1 - The Trio, Ginny, and Dean
Ron : *mopes*
Hermione : *mopes*
Harry : Aren't you two just perky today?
Hermione : Shut up.
Dean : Hey Ginny, want to go to Zonko's?
Ron : Why are you in this scene?
Seren : Because the HBP has to make a cameo, stupid.
Ginny : Maybe later, Dean. I want to see how much longer Ron can mope.
Harry : Hey, let's go look at dress robes! I'm sure we'll all enjoy it thoroughly!
Ron and Hermione : *give Harry the Molly Weasley Glare of Impending Doom*
Harry : Or not.

Scene 2 - Gryffindor Boys' Dorm - Harry, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Ron
Harry : Dude, just ask her.
Ron : What's a dude?
Seamus : Ron, we all know that you've hankered after Hermione for ages.
Ron : How do you know?
Neville : You talk in your sleep.
Ron : So I've heard.
Harry : Anyways, you've just got to ask her, Ron. You like her, she likes you.
Ron : Yeah, I'm sure that everytime she calls me a emotionally-stunted caveman, she's really trying to say "Let's shag, baby!"
Dean : Hey guys, how does this crown look on me?
Cedric and fireboltflyer : Fabulous!
Harry : Aren't you a Gryffindor? Aren't you supposed to be brave?
Ron : Certain death and destruction I can deal with. Rampaging know-it-alls is another story. At least with death, I don't have to worry about getting certain body parts cut off.
Sarah : That's okay, she's going to get with Severus Snape anyways.
Neville : Weirdo.

Scene 3 - Gryffindor Girls' Dorm - Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, and the Invi-girls.
Parvati : Try this lipstick, Hermione.
Hermione : No thank you; I had my moment of OOCness a few scenes up.
Lavender : Has Ron asked you yet?
Hermione : *curses at Lavender and Parvati*
L&P : Yeesh. *they leave*
Invisi-Girl 1 : Thank goodness they're gone.
Hermione : Who are you?
Invisi-Girl 2 : We're your dormmates.
Hermione : ...
Invisi-Girl 1 : You mean you've never noticed us?
Hermione : ...
Invisi-Girl 2 : Oh, good gravy.
Hermione : He's never going to like me. Why do I like him? Is it the red hair? The foolishly cute grin? The laugh?
Invisi-Girl 1 : I thought it was his rippling biceps.
Hermione : That's not too bad, either. *sighs*

Act 5 - The Day Before The Dance

Scene One - Breakfast - Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Dean, Neville, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati, Harry

Seamus : So Lavender and I are going to the dance together.
Neville : I'm going with Padma Patil.
HMS What Are They Thinking? members : Yay!
Parvati : I'm going with some random person who isn't important to the storyline.
Seamus : Cool.
Ron : Who're you going with, Hermione?
Hermione : No one.
Ron : I'll kill him! I'll rip him from limb to limb! I'll -
Harry : She said she wasn't going with anyone, moron.
Dean : How do these noble-type robes look on me?
Cedric and fireboltflyer : Vonderful, dahlink!
Harry : I'm going with Luna.
Hermione : Cool.
Ginny : You're very mono-syllabilc today.
Harry : *whips out dictionary*
Ginny : *nudges Ron* Ask her.
Ron : *continues to inhale food*
Cho Malfoy : Good gravy!
Ron : Yes, I think it's rather good too.

Scene 2 - Gryffindor Common Room - Same as above. (It's coming soon, I swear!)

Dean : Does this sceptre go with my royal robes?
R/Hr Shippers : YES! GET A MOVE ON!
Seren : SHUT UP!
Ron : * tries on new dress robes *
Seamus : Vair, vair nice.
Hermione : * sweeps out in a tizzy *
Ron : Where's she going?
Harry : I don't know. Go follow her.
Ron : Why?
Seren : Because I said so, fool. PLOT DEVICE!

Scene 3 - Corridors - Ron, Hermione, Draco
Hermione : * hurries *
Draco : Ah, my darling Mudblood.
Hermione : I don't know where your L'Oreal hairdye box is, Goldilocks, so piss off.
Draco : I wanted to ask you to the ball.
Hermione : Yeah, and Riddle is the HBP.
Fangirls : He is!
Draco : I'm serious.
Hermione : But I love someone else.
Ron : * smiles happily and runs out *
Ron : I love you too.
Hermione : * turns red and rushes off *
Draco : Smooth move, casanova.

Act 6 - The fight (FINALLY!)

Ginny : * taps foot * Where is Hermione?
Harry : Where's Ron?
Neville : Both sulking, I imagine.
R/Hr Shippers : COME ON!
Ron : *comes storming out and sits on chair * Where's Hermione?
Hermione : * comes sweeping down with the Invisi-girls *
Ron : Who are they?
Harry : * shrugs *
Hermione : * comes sweeping down in style *
Male jaws : * drop with a thunk *
Harry : * drags Ron to a corner and has a hushed conversation with him *
Harry : I know you fancy Hermione.
Ron : *eats chocolate frogs*
Harry : You always bicker with her.
H/Hr fans : But you belong with her, Harry!
Harry : Shut it, you. Come on, Ron, you know you want to kiss her.
Ron : *continues to eat chocolate frogs*
Harry : You always stare at her!
D/Hr fans : Opposites attract! Draco and Hermione!
Seren : *runs in and beats D/Hr fans with copy of World book day transcript*
fireboltflyer : Bwhaha!
H/Hr fans : But they were meant to be?
Cedric : *goes into cardiac arrest from laughing at H/Hr shippers too hard*
Seren : *continues beating D/Hr shippers with Uthian*
Creevey Brothers : * flounce in *
Harry : * angrily * FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, RON, JUST ASK HER OUT BEFORE WE ALL LOSE OUR MINDS!
HP Fans : Yeah!
Hermione : * pissy voice * If he's too good for me, then forget it. It's not worth the effort.
Ron : * turns red * I'm too good for you?! You always act like I'm some asanine fool!
Ginny : That's because you are, dear brother.
Hermione : You act as if I'm not a girl, and as if you don't care about me at all!
Ron : ARE YOU MAD?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WORRIED ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU WERE PETRIFIED, OR WHEN YOU ALMOST DIED LAST YEAR?!
Hermione : Well, you have a funny way of showing it!
Harry : She has a point.
Ron and Hermione : SHUT UP!
Harry : Jesus.
Dean : Should I wear the crown with blue velvet, or red velvet?
Ron : * storms off towards portrait door *
Hermione : *picks up Dennis Creevey and throws him at Ron's head *
Dennis : Whee!
Ron : YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS! ALWAYS NATTERING ON ABOUT VICKY!
Hermione : YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME OR MY FEELINGS! ALL YOU CARE IS WHETHER I'LL DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
Hermione : * picks up Colin Creevey and throws him at Ron *
Colin : * takes pictures *
RON : I hate you! You're too smart!
Hermione : I hate you! You're so oblivious!
Ron : Nerd!
Hermione : Loser!
Ron : *snogs Hermione*
fbf and Cedric : Yay!
Harry : ... what's oblivious mean?
* awkward silence *
Hermione : * turns red and runs towards dorm *
Ron : * does the same *
Harry : Jesus.
Jesus : That's my name, don't wear it out.

AFTER THE DANCE