Out of Character

October 28^th

She said I'm a monster. She looked right in my eyes and said that I am a monster. She's right of course. I was just hoping that she wouldn't notice. I must be out of my mind. Of course, she of all people would notice. She notices everything. She is everything. I am nothing.

Draco laid down his quill and shut the leather bound journal he had been writing in. He leaned his head against the cool wood of the desk. He had been in the library for over an hour. Ever since his run in with her. He didn't know why he went to the library. There was just something calming about the desk in the far corner, hidden by the fortress of books. He liked the way noone ever came back there, prefering the larger tables in the center to study with friends. He didn't have any friends, not really. Noone that he would consider studying with. Never let them get one up on you Draco. Always stay one step ahead.

Slowly he started banging his forehead against the table. The rhythmic thumping echoing the rhythmic chant in his mind. Thump...Thump...Thump...Nothing...Nothing...Nothing...

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

He had waited outside her common room longer than he cared to admit. It was as if she knew he was waiting and was making him wait on purpose. It didn't matter. He would wait all night if he had to and talk to her before breakfast. She had to come out some time. None of the other Ravenclaws would take a message. He could have used and owl, but that was so impersonal. Why wouldn't she come out? Damn her!

As luck would have it, her house ghost passed by. What she must have thought of the Slytherin boy on his knees begging her to deliver a message he couldn't guess. Whatever she said, it must have been convincing because the girl came out.

Her hazy gaze raked over him. "You're a mess."

"Thanks for noticing."

"Why did you want to see me?"

"Walk with me?"

She nodded and fell into step next to him. She didn't even glance down when he took her hand. Not a very Malfoy like thing to do but he was just so happy that she came down to see him.

Came down to see him. That was different. She, the lady in the tower. He, the poor man dreaming of what he knew he had no right to have. If only his father could see him now. Walking hand in hand through the Hogwarts corridors with Luna Lovegood.

"Where are we going?" she asked as if noticing for the first time that she wasn't in her common room anymore.

"We're here." He pulled open a large polished door across from a tapastry of Barnabas the Barmy attempting to train trolls in the ballet.

The room was perfect. Dark and quiet. He led her to the bed on the far side. She sait down and looked at him, waiting.

"Luna...I..uh...I needed to see you tonight...."

"I know Draco." She leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips.

Draco wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. This wasn't exactly what he had planned..or was it? He was there with her to talk wasn't he? They could talk later.

He laid her back on the bed. What was it about her that drove him crazy. She wasn't a bueaty in the strict sense like the other girls he had had.

He began to unbotton her top as he tried to pinpoint why he needed her so much. Was it her eyes? They always seemed to be focused on things he couldn't see. Every now and then though, when she looked directly at him, it was as if she could see into him. Maybe it was the way she saw his soul that stirred him. Most people just assumed he didn't have one.

His mouth still on hers, he slid himself over her. Could it be her body? No, that wasn't it. Her figure was just that of a fifteen year old girl. He was tall; she was average. His hair glowed; her hair always looked like it needed to be washed. He had honed himself to perfection with years of Quiditch training and exercise; she wasn't heavy but she obviously was more comfortable reading the Quibbler than running a mile. His skin was marred with scars from his father and the Dark Mark on his left forearm; she had the odd mole or freckle but nothing to take notice of. No, she had an average body. He still found it irristable.

Maybe it was the fact that he never noticed her before. After attending the same school for four years, he had not even known she existed until he saw her running from this very room during his fifth year. The members of Potter's silly army were scattering in an attempt to get away from him and the rest of the Inquisitional Squad. She was running from him, scared and panting just like she was now. He watched her dirty blonde hair streak behind her as she disappeared around a corner. He had more important people to catch that night. He would get her some other time.

In the end, it didn't matter what made him want her so. He wanted her and that was enough. A Malfoy always gets what he wants. That's what father always said when he slipped into Draco's room at night. A Malfoy always gets what he wants....and I want you.

Draco looked down at Luna below him. His hand was covering her mouth. She looked like she was stiffling a scream. Tears had pooled around his fingers. Her eyes bored into him. Draco pushed himself away, still trying to figure out what was happening.

Luna quickly sat up and began to dress. She wrapped her robes tightly around her and stared at him.

"I love you Draco, but you had no right to do that to me."

She made for the door, but he stopped her. He wanted to explain.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! Don't ever touch me! Just get out of the way. You're not my friend. You're a..a..a Monster!"

Her screams hurt his ears. Draco moved to let her pass. He sank to the cold stone floor of the room, pulling his knees to his chest. He could still hear her sobbing echoing in the room.

What the hell just happened?

He had brought her there to talk. That was the plan. Take her to the room and tell her the truth. Tell her that he loved her. Instead....

Instead...he...he raped her.

Rape.

What the hell just happened?!

Draco felt sick. He knew that she had been a virgin. They had kissed a few times before, but nothing more. He had wanted to do everything right with her. Why did he mess everything up?

What are people going to say? What will father say? He will find out. Draco knew that he would end up in Azkaban just like his father. Maybe they could share a cell.

No. That would make father too happy. Better to be across the prison entirely.

Draco let his eyes drift around the room. It was just then that he noticed what it really looked like. He had been too caught up with......anyway...He had been too distracted before to really see. He looked now at the dark stone walls, the black velvet lined with sliver hangings on the bed, the desk in the corner, and on the adjacent wall the wardrobe with the Malfoy seal carved into the dark wood. It was his bedroom. The Room of Requirement had given him his bedroom at the Manor. It was the perfect place to steal Luna's innocence, the place his had been taken some ten years earlier. The Room had known all along.

"Ahem...Mr. Malfoy. I believe students have been assigned dormitories for the purpose of sleeping. This is a library."

Draco awoke to find Madamn Pince looming over him like a warden. The old librarian's lips were pursed so tightly together her mouth seemed to dissapear entirely.

Draco gathered his belongings and left the library as quickly he could. He didn't head towards the dungeons though. Instead he started climbing the first staircase he came to. He was going to the Owlery. Luna was never going to speak to him again. He needed to apologize though. He would send a letter to be delivered at breakfast. God, he hoped she was at breakfast to get it.

The next morning Draco sat in his usual seat at the Slytherin table. That was the only thing that was usual about that morning to him, though. His normal immaculate dress was replaced by the same wrinkled robes he had worn the day before. His hair was a fright. In fact, he really looked quite ill. He sat at the table, not eating or drinking, not talking or making fun of the other houses or complaining about classes, not appearing to do anything. Every few moments he would look up, searching for something. Why does it always take longer for something to happen when a person is waiting for it?

Finally the familiar rush of wings filled the Great Hall. Draco scanned the flock for his owl. He watched as it landed at the Ravenclaw table in front of a very pale and spacey looking girl. He wondered if anyone could tell she was different or if he was the only one to see it. Had she told anyone? She couldn't have. He hadn't been hauled off yet.

Luna slowly read the letter. She seemed to contemplate the words for what seemed like an hour before she reached in her bag and pulled out a quill. Tieing her reply to the owl's leg, she sent it off to its owner.

Draco's anticipation was killing him. He snatched the letter off the owl, practically taking the poor bird's leg with it. He couldn't read her response in the Great Hall. There were too many people around. He had to be alone to think. Rushing through the halls, he made his way to his desk in the library.

Slowly he opened the letter. Please let her forgive me...

He could see that she had written under his original letter.

Luna,

Please forgive me. I don't know what happened. Anything you want is yours. Anything I have is yours. I never meant to hurt you. I will do anything to make it up to you. Anything.

I love you,

Draco Malfoy

Draco,

You can die

- Luna.

Draco knew what he had to do. He went to his room, collected his journal and broom. Deep down he had know it would end this way. There really wasn't any other way for it to end. He had to pay for the things he had done. This was the final straw. There isn't any redemption after what he did.

Classes had already started for the day leaving the halls empty. He didn't really want to meet anyone in them anyway. Once outside he mounted his broom. Flying had always made him feel free. He wasn't a Malfoy when he flew. He wasn't a Slytherin either, except during Quiditch matches that is. That wasn't real flying though. Real flying took away everything. He flew to the topmost point of Ravenclaw Tower. It wasn't as high as the Astronomy Tower, but it should suffice. Setting down his broom and scribbling a quick final entry in his jounal, Draco Malfoy lept off.

October 29^th

I am sorry Luna. I hope this is enough.