Welcome To Slytherin

Welcome To Slytherin

Welcome. Many of you will have heard what I have to say before, but I don't think it will harm you to hear it again, so you can all sit quietly and listen. Or you can help Mr Filch clean the cursed toilets this Saturday, it's really all the same to me. Are we all settled? Well, then. Firstly, because you're unlikely to hear it from any other teacher: congratulations on being accepted into Slytherin house. (Rosier, do you have something you'd like to share with us? No? Well kindly keep your mouth shut, then.) I say congratulations, but perhaps commiserations would be nearer the mark.

Does that surprise you? Doubtless your parents will have told you at length how this is the only house worth being in, many of you probably believe that by being sorted here you have avoided disgrace for your entire family (do you find something amusing about that, Miss Bulstrode? Would you like to give this talk instead of me?) And yet I say commiserations.

You have - (Malfoy, you may be a prefect but that doesn't mean I can't take points if you don't stop that disgusting behaviour at once. Leave Miss Parkinson alone) - you have all been accepted into the most prestigious house in Hogwarts. Unfortunately Slytherin is also Hogwarts' most vilified and loathed. The more perceptive of you will have already have inferred as much from this year's appalling sorting song - "You may belong in Slytherin/ where dwell the black at heart/ where everyone's a murderer/ a bully or a tart" hardly needs much interpretation, really. (Brookes, put that cobra down this instant!)

And I tell you this plainly: you will be treated differently. You will be suspected, and you will be disliked. And any jokes played on you will be regarded as amusing and entirely justified by the students of other houses, and even, in all likelihood, by the headmaster himself. Whereas any retaliation you may embark on will earn you detentions of the vilest nature and - Harris, what exactly are you doing to Miss Roper's hair? You have five seconds to put your wand away before I snap it in half. Thank you. The solution to this inequality is simple: don't get caught. You have nothing in your favour but the qualities that put you here in the first place: cunning and ambition. So use them, as ruthlessly and as frequently as possible. But for heaven's sake, please try to be subtle. (Don't look at me like that, Mr Malfoy, I didn't even mention your name. If you have a guilty conscience then it's no affair of mine).

You may now be regretting being sorted here. But you were sorted here, and you are Slytherins, and will be for the rest of your lives. And as such, I expect a certain standard of behaviour from you. Wilful stupidity (yes, Mr Crabbe, that does mean you) will be punished severely. As will any behaviour which lowers the prestige of Slytherin in any way. Intelligence and the earning of points will always be rewarded as long as I am head of this house. If you have problems with your studies you are welcome to consult with me, but I am not here to do your work for you, and laziness will not be tolerated. (Mr Nott, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times: no unforgivables on school grounds. Ten points from Slytherin for your overwhelming lack of any intelligence whatsoever.) The Slytherin private library is located down the stairs to the right, and my restricted potions storeroom will be open on Fridays from ten in the evening until midnight for those who require...additional ingredients. (No severed limbs in the common room, Miss Mortimer. Go and put it back in my office this instant, then return so we can discuss your detention.)

One piece of advice: if you happen to come into a dispute with a Gryffindor, take the moral high ground. As they consider this their special preserve, it will aggravate your adversary immensely, especially if you are in fact in the wrong. If your antagonist is from Ravenclaw house, knock them out with a book. They will be too charmed by this vindication that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword to bear you any serious grudge. And any conflict with a Hufflepuff is best solved by using words of more than one syllable. Your opponent's resulting confusion will give you plenty of time to make a swift exit.

Finally I say good luck, and may Merlin help us all. In emergencies you will find me in my office, but anyone disturbing me there after midnight or at the weekend without an exceptionally good reason will spend the rest of the year dying a slow and exquisitely painful death.

Any questions?