Ron the Obsessive

Ron the Obsessive

"Ron."

"Huh?"

"My books are fine the way they are."

"But they're not straight."

"They're straight enough."

"But-"

"Put. Them. Down."

Sadly, Ron put down the pile of books he had picked up, wishing Hermione had let him move them just an inch to the left. Or would it have been straighter to the right? His hand twitched convulsively.

"RON!"

"Sorry."

Hermione sighed, and furrowed her brow. She was exhausted, seeing as she was up all night reading. Not that this was unusual. Hermione often spent nights in the softest armchair by the fire, reading into the wee hours. What was strange about it this time was what she was reading. She stood up, and set her book on the table. It said:

Counter-Jinxes for the Jinxed

Ron promptly picked it up, and set it atop the pile of books he was placing on the mantle. Hermione didn't bother to stop him. It was a lost cause.

She made her way up the staircase to the boys' dormitory. She knocked. "Harry? Are you in there?"

"Yeah. Come on in."

Hermione opened the door. Harry looked up from his own pile of books. "Any luck?"

"No," said Hermione. "You?"

"Nothing," sighed Harry, throwing aside Hexes: A-Z and staring up at her. "I wonder if there IS a counter-jinx for obsessive compulsive disorder. Where did Malfoy even find that stupid spell anyway?"

"Wherever he found it, he's not going to let us get our hands on it, that's for sure," said Hermione. "Listen, you have to trade with me. I know it's not your turn yet, but I can't take another minute of Ron's obsessive book-straightening."

"Wait. You came up here and LEFT HIM BY HIMSELF?"

"Yes," said Hermione, looking perplexed. "Why?"

At that moment, an ear-splitting scream from the common room shattered the silence.

Harry and Hermione bounded down the stairs, to see a terrified Parvati standing in the corner, with Lavender trying to fend off Ron.

"Get him away from me!" Parvati shrieked.

"Ron!" Harry bellowed.

"But she missed a button!" cried Ron over Parvati's tumultuous screams. "Her sweater's uneven!"

"Get his paws away from my cashmere!" cried Parvati. "This was shipped from France! I don't want his grimy hands on it!"

"I washed my hands twenty-two times since breakfast!" yelled Ron. "They're cleaner then yours will ever be! Dirty hands are just not right!"

"Oh, yes, and washing your hands over twenty times in three hours is?" yelled Lavender.

"Ron. Let it go," said Hermione.

Ron ran up to Parvati, and before she could protest, buttoned her button. Her fresh screams started to fade as Harry and Hermione frog-marched Ron from the common room.

. . .

Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the library and sat down at the nearest table.

Madam Pince eyed them from behind the invisible books section, feather duster in hand.

"Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do abut him," said Hermione tearfully. Ron had gotten up, and was now harassing Madam Pince over her feather-dusting technique. "I'm at the end of my rope! One more minute with him, and I'll jump in the lake."

"I know," said Harry, his worry lines appearing in his forehead. "Honestly, it's a good thing we haven't seen Malfoy yet. I swear, if I run into him before we cure Ron, I'll give him a curse he'll never forget."

"Well, the best thing we can do right now is keep looking," said Hermione. And with that, she stood up and started perusing the nearest shelf.

Three hours later, Harry was still skimming the shelves. Hermione had fallen asleep with her face stuck to the pages of Happily Helpful Hexes, and Ron had organized ten shelves by color and hight- symmetrically.

"Hermione!" Harry whispered, gently prodding her in the back. "I think I found something!"

"Mmmmmwhat?" said Hermione, sitting up so suddenly that the book stuck to her face momentarily before falling with a thunk back onto the table.

"I think I found something!" said Harry again. "Listen!"

When encountering hexes that result in change of behavior, potions such as this are often effective. Remember that when the change is very sudden and different, use leg of frog, not eye of newt.

"That sounds perfect, Harry!" Hermione whispered. "It's just what we need!"

Their conversation was interrupted by a shriek from Madam Pince. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PRECIOUS SHELVES? THIS WILL TAKE HOURS TO CORRECT! OUT! OUT!"

Harry scooped the book off the table, while Hermione dragged Ron behind her, who was calling, "You'll thank me someday!"

. . .

"Okay," said Hermione. "So we add the fly wings . . . right . . . about . . . now!"

The potion made a satisfying gurgle, and a puff of green smoke appeared.

"Can I ask you a question, Hermione?" said Harry.

"What?"

"How come we always end up doing potions in moaning Myrtle's bathroom?"

"Oh, so that's the only reason you come to visit me!" wailed Myrtle. "Well, isn't that just tactless!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and set to work slicing up the leg of frog. Harry watched Hermione while still keeping an eye on Ron, who was attempting to fix the U-bend in one of the toilets. Harry got up and went over to Ron.

"Ron?"

"Hmm?" Ron looked up from the toilet, which he was now fixing the flush on.

"I think that Filch can fix the flush."

"But he didn't do a very good job."

"What part of it are you trying to fix?"

"The dirty part."

"Okay . . ."

Their conversation was cut short by a shout from Hermione. "Harry! Ron! Come over here! I think it's time!"

Harry ran over to Hermione, dragging a disgruntled Ron behind him.

"Okay, just make him stand still, Harry." Hermione very slowly added the sliced leg of frog. "If I do anything wrong-"

"Hermione, your hair is tangled, let me just fix it real quick," said Ron, and leapt forward.

"RON!" Hermione's hand slipped, and as the frog legs went in, so did her hair. The potion exploded, and clouds of grey ash covered them all. There was much confusion, and for a few moments, the ash settled. Then, without warning, Ron let out a horrible yell.

"ASH! EVERYWHERE! MY ROBES ARE DIRTY! EVERYTHING'S DIRTY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Harry had to clap his hands over his ears. He hadn't heard a noise that loud and screechy since he had been in the Triwizard Tournament, and had to listen to the golden egg's endless wailing. Ron bolted down the hallway, yelling all the way, until he stopped at the nearest door, threw it open and ran inside. Harry and Hermione followed, and stopped right outside the door.

A moment later, several girls came running out of the room, screaming, "A boy! A boy in the girls' lavatory!"

Hermione looked at Harry. "Just stay here, and I'll go and get him," she panted, and ran into the bathroom.

. . .

Thirty minutes later, Harry was still out in the hallway, amusing himself by levitating the spiders crawling by on the floor. He looked down at his watch for the seventh time, and decided that it was time he found out why they were taking so long.

At that moment, Harry saw Ron being shoved through the door by Hermione.

"Honestly, you're clean enough!" she yelled at him. "How long to you have to spend washing your hands? And I don't need washing either! Honestly!"

"Come on," muttered Harry, and he, Ron, and Hermione made their way out to the Great Hall for dinner.

"What are we going to do?" whispered Hermione, picking at her pork chops. "He's going to drive the whole castle mad."

"Well," Harry whispered back, "we could always try it again."

"But this time he'll probably say that your glasses are crooked and make me blow up a toilet or something!"

Harry grinned. "So, what you're saying is, we should leave him like this until someone looses their marbles and kills him?"

Hermione bit her lip, and looked over to where Ron was making a pyramid out of his peas. "Well . . ."

"Yes?"

"Fine."

"All right then." Harry put down his fork. "Ron?"

Ron looked up from his peas.

"Come on over here and stop terrorizing the other students."

Ron brought his plate over and sat in between Harry and Hermione. Harry leaned backwards in his seat to talk to Hermione.

"Hermione, I understand that you're being driven mad by him, so I'll take your turn if you want a break."

"Really?" said Hermione. "Oh, Harry, that would be wonderful!"

"Good. After dinner, why don't you do anything but stay in the common room?"

"Great."

Harry looked forward again, to find his meal completely altered.

"Ron! What did you do to my mashed potatoes? And- it has a face!"

"Oh, I just thought, well, NOBODY likes their food touching, so I moved the mashed potatoes over to make sure that the chicken was safe, and then I realized that the mashed potatoes weren't circular, so I had to change that, and then, well, I carved a face on them with your spoon."

Hermione rolled her eyes, and stood up. "I'm going to the library. I want to get a head start on that essay Professor Binns wanted."

"See you later," called Harry as she walked away.

. . .

"Ron, for God's sake, put down Hermione's notes!"

"This pink one is over by the blue ones!"

"And this matters because . . .?"

"Well, it's just not right."

"SO WHAT?"

"Well-"

"Come on, let's go to bed."

"Okay." Ron looked sadly at Hermione's pile of notes, and followed Harry up the stairs.

They were awoken early the next morning by Hermione stalking into their dormitory and shaking them both awake.

"Ron!" she said fiercely. "What did you do to my notes?"

"I organized them."

"THEY WERE ORGANIZED BEFORE, SO WHATEVER YOU DID WAS NOT ORGANIZING!"

"I put all the red ones together, and the orange ones together, and-"

"THEY WERE ALPHABETIZED!"

"Hermione! You're waking up the whole castle!" said a newly awakened Dean Thomas.

"Fine," she sniffed. "I'll be downstairs, cleaning up YOUR mess, Ron."

Later that morning, Harry finally walked down the stairs from the boys' dormitory and sat down next to Hermione, who was still organizing her notes.

"Honestly, I don't know if I won't be the one who loses her marbles and kills him," she grumbled. "I don't think she will last much longer."

"Who?" inquired Harry.

"Ginny!" grumbled Hermione. "She is being so PATIENT! Honestly!"

Harry looked over by the fireplace. Ginny was allowing Ron to re-button her sweater, even out her shoelaces, and fix her barrette clip. Harry walked over, and watched Ron smooth out the wrinkles in her robe.

"How can you let him do that?" he laughed.

"Well, I think that it's because I'm his sister. I have to endure it," she said, grinning.

"Yeah. Well, listen, Hermione and I need to go make that potion again, so could you look after him for an hour or two?"

"Sure," she shrugged. "I haven't got anything better to do."

"Great! See you later."

"Bye."

. . .

"All right, once more," said Hermione, putting in the fly wings. Just a few more seconds . . . there! Give me the frog legs."

Harry handed over the legs, with his nose in the book they had taken from the library, Advanced Potions.

"Hermione!"

"Don't talk to me right now, Harry, remember what happened last time-"

"Hermione, it won't work!"

"Why not?"

"Because- just look!" Harry leaned over and showed the page to Hermione.

Be warned: This potion does not work when it is winter time, for the fly wings need to be grown in bright, warm sun, and the hornweed must be set out to dry for an hour in summer light.

"Damn! How are we going to survive until summer?" said Hermione desperately. "I'm really, really serious! I won't be able to do it, Harry!"

"Well, there's only one alternative," Harry said grimly. "Malfoy."

"Oh but for the wet floor I would dance with joy," said Hermione sarcastically. "Come on, let's find him."

. . .

Harry and Hermione found Malfoy -accompanied by Crabbe and Goyle- down in the dungeons. Malfoy turned his blonde head to look at Harry, and his face shone with malice.

"The weasel having fun?" he sneered. "I went through a lot of trouble to get that particular jinx, and I hope he's enjoying it."

"You're a pig, Malfoy," snapped Harry. "Tell us where you got the spell, or-"

"Or what? You'll sic Weasley on my buttons?" Crabbe and Goyle guffawed stupidly.

"Malfoy, we need the counter-jinx, and I will get it from you, if I have to sic Ron on your buttons to do it. Now, just give it up, or I will beat it out of you."

Malfoy laughed. "Like you could get past Crabbe or Goyle. And besides, fighting is against school rules."

"So is casting jinxes on classmates. And in case you haven't noticed, I have Hermione on my side. She knows more curses than you three put together, and have you ever heard the expression, 'fight fire with fire'?"

The color in Malfoy's face paled slightly, and his sneer became less pronounced.

"It won't be that easy, Potter," he said. And with that, he, Crabbe, and Goyle swept away back the way they came.

"I get the feeling he doesn't like you," said Hermione.

Harry and Hermione found Ginny and Ron in the Great Hall, where Ron was pleading with Nearly Headless Nick to straighten his bowtie. Ginny was sitting at the Gryffindor table amongst the other students, watching with a slightly amused look on her face.

"I thought you were in the common room," said Harry as he and Hermione slid down beside her.

"We were," said Ginny, "but then Ron said that he was hungry, so we came down here. Is it a surprise that we've been here twenty minutes and hasn't had a bit of food?"

"Nope," said Harry.

"Honestly!" Ginny cried. "He is the first person I've known that's told Peeves he's throwing a vase wrong! And then he told Dean Thomas that he was holding his fork wrong! And then-"

"Hello," said a rather misty voice behind them.

Harry turned to see Luna Lovegood standing behind him. She was the same as when he had last seen her. Her bottle cap necklace still hung from her neck. Her enormous blue eyes were wide and penetrating. And her copy of The Quibbler was still tucked determinably under her arm.

"I was wondering if you've seen my other necklace," she said. "The one with red bottle caps on it."

"Sorry," said Hermione. "We'll tell you if we see it."

"Isn't that it over there then?" she said, indicating Ron.

Ron was re-tying the knot on Luna's bottle cap necklace. She half-walked, half-skipped over to him.

"You found my necklace," she said pleasantly.

"Yes. It didn't have the right knot though."

Luna smiled. She took it, held it for a moment, and then handed it back.

"You can have it. It's symmetrical."

"Really?"

"I can make more."

Ron smiled happily, and continued to fix the knot.

At that moment, Harry got an idea. Striding up to Luna, he said, "Hey, do you mind staying with Ron for a little while? Hermione and I need to figure out how to fix him."

Luna blinked her enormous blue eyes. "He doesn't need fixing. Nobody needs fixing. He just needs understanding. Like the crumple-horned snorkak, that skulks in the shadowy corners of Bogweed forests, and . . ."

"So will you watch him for a bit?" said Harry, stopping Luna's ramble about imaginary beasts.

"Yes," she said, quite simply.

"Good. See you in a bit."

. . .

"Hermione, you are prepared to hex the slimy little weasel out of his skin if he catches us spying on him, right?" asked Harry as they made their way down the dingy corridor that led to the dungeons.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss the opportunity."

As they grew closer to the Slytherin common room, Harry and Hermione began to tread more lightly. Harry slid his wand up his sleeve, and peered around a column at the entrance.

Soon, a Slytherin approached the doorway. He stood in front of it and said in a quiet voice that nevertheless carried across the dungeon, "Serpent tongue." The door swung open, and the boy entered.

Harry looked at Hermione, who nodded, and they scurried over to the door.

"Serpent tongue," Harry whispered. He could feel Hermione holding her breath as the door opened, and they stepped inside.

The Slytherin common room wasn't much different from when Harry last saw it. The green drapes still hung from the ceiling, the armchairs were still all clustered together in one corner, and Draco Malfoy was sitting in one of those armchairs, with Crabbe and Goyle on either side of him.

Harry tugged on Hermione's sleeve, and they ducked into a shadowy corner.

"Honestly, I can't believe they haven't figured it out by now," said Malfoy, grinning maliciously. "Not that I'm complaining. This is the most fun I've had in a while, seeing Weasley harass everyone in the castle." Crabbe and Goyle snickered.

"Well, I suppose it might be a little hard," laughed Malfoy, "seeing as I checked out the book that the spell's in, and I'm not giving it back anytime soon!"

It was only then that Harry noticed the book perched on the arm of Malfoy's chair. He squinted, but he couldn't see the title.

"Well, come on," sneered Malfoy. "I need to eat something before lunch is over." He left, with Crabbe and Goyle following in his wake.

Without hesitation, Harry sprinted across to the armchairs, and snatched up the book. He motioned frantically to Hermione, who followed him up through the entrance, up the stairs to the dungeons, back through the corridor, and into the Great Hall. Harry spotted Malfoy at the Slytherin table.

"Here," he muttered to Hermione, slipping her the book. "Take this up to the common room. Don't let him see you." Hermione gave him an almost imperceptible nod, and half jogged, half walked to the marble stairs.

Harry watched her go, then turned to see Ron and Luna over by the Ravenclaw table.

"And so," Luna was saying, "Fudge has this enormous army of heliopaths, that-"

"'Lo, Ron," said Harry, striding up to him. "Come on, Hermione and I can get you better now."

"Okay," said Ron, smiling happily. He got up and followed Harry up the marble stairs.

"Here already?" asked Hermione as they entered.

"He's being quite placid," said Harry. "I think it's because of Luna. She's very tolerant."

Hermione smiled, then indicated that Ron should stand in the pentagram she had drawn on the floor.

"Ron, if you try to touch anything, I will tear your ribcage from your body and wear it as a hat," she said, squinting at the instructions.

"This is it," she said, glancing at Harry.

"This is it," he replied.

Hermione took a deep, shuddering breath, raised her wand, and said the counter-curse as loud as she could.

There was a huge flash of light and a burst of smoke, and Harry and Hermione shielded their eyes.

As the smoke cleared, Harry and Hermione glanced at Ron.

"Ron?" asked Hermione tentatively. "Ron? Are you normal again?"

"I think so," he muttered, brushing soot off of his robes. "How'd you do it, anyway?"

"Well, we tried a potion, but that didn't work, so we spied on Malfoy, and we stole this book from him, and it had the counter curse, so we used that, and-"

"Hermione?" said Ron.

"Yes?"

"Your barrettes aren't straight, let me-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

"Just kidding."

The End

Author's Notes: This is my first fic! I really hope that you like it!

References: "Ron, if you try to touch anything, I will tear out your ribcage and wear it as a hat." - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Art: None.