Just Harry

Don't you sometimes wish things had turned out differently in your life? I know I do. I sometimes wish I could change the past, the present and the future. Sometimes I wish my parents were alive, that Voldemort had died and I'd never known the "deprived" childhood I've had. But then, I wouldn't be me. Experiences shape us; they make us who we are. And without all my traumatic, exhilarating and downright depressing ones, I don't know who I'd be.

If my parents were alive I'd have had a fantastic childhood, never going hungry, sleeping in a bedroom, having my own clothes - but then how would I feel about Hogwarts? Hogwarts - my escape. It wouldn't be an escape route, it wouldn't be home, it wouldn't mean as much to me. I daresay I would've been a stuck up git like Malfoy - and let's face it, with my famous parents and my defeat of Voldemort; I would be. Hogwarts would be unexciting, just a school. I would've had fun there and made lots of friends, I don't doubt that. But Hermione and Ron wouldn't mean as much to me, they wouldn't be my only family. In fact, I only met Ron because I was lost - and my parents would've been there to send me off in that alternate universe. I only became friends with Hermione because of Quirrel's troll - and he only let that in because the Dark Lord told him to. All that stuff in the dungeons would never have happened. Again, I would lose out on experiences that have made me, myself.

The second year of my life as a wizard - well it'd be my twelfth - would have been so different. I wouldn't have found out another clue about who I am - because I think of my life like a journey, a quest to find out who I am. But in that different place where my parents are alive, that would be irrelevant, since my parents would have told me everything. I almost died that year - and that scared me, yet showed me that I had true bravery. My tolerance of pain is incredibly high for someone my age - Hermione goes teary eyed at a paper cut. Mind you, Hermione gets teary eyed about a lot of things. Most of which involve me, thinking about it. She wouldn't have Ron and me as friends if things had turned out differently. She'd be so alone - and I never want that to happen. I can't even imagine life without her, and if we were not friends, she would be really lonely, and I highly doubt someone like Seamus would have been her best friend. Ron has his family he's quite close to. But Hermione doesn't really have that; I feel in a way I have to protect her because she means so much to me. Besides, with the prejudices of people like Malfoy, and having no prior knowledge of the wizarding world before, I feel it my duty to take good care of her. If anything happens to her that I could've prevented I'll never forgive myself. Ron too; I feel I need to protect him in a different way. He needs calming down at times, and logic. He has more of a physical advantage than Hermione - and I'm not saying it because Hermione's a girl, well, more of a young woman now. He's taller, probably stronger and has more practise of using his fists. Hermione is quite capable of looking after herself, to tell you the truth, if she has a wand. And even without one she can give a hard kick in the right places, and her mere brainpower's a force to be reckoned with. They both mean so much to me, and if my life were different I would hardly know them.

With the Dursleys, I had to hide all emotion. I had to be almost non-existent; I couldn't be open about how I felt. My parents would've let me be myself, they would've let me show feelings, share things. Even now, I can't get out of the habit of hiding my true colours. It isn't something I do by choice, it's something drummed into me by a decade and more of Dursley life. I only seem to be able to let out extreme emotions and feelings, even now.

Third year - what a one that was. Well for a start, I would have known Sirius from an early age. And Professor Lupin too. And a thought just struck me; Ron would never have had Scabbers. Pettigrew would've been thrown in Azkaban, which is exactly where he belongs if you ask me. And the Marauders Map would probably be with me since my first year. And the big thing about stationing Dementors would not be needed at all, since Sirius would not be a convict.. It's quite scary to think that really. I wouldn't know how to do a Patronus - there'd be no need for me to know.

My fourth year made me think. It made me think about how powerful one emotion can be. Love. Love can conquer so many things - it may even conquer everything, I'm not sure. But it was, still is, love that protected me. I also feel so much regret to think that all those people might not have died. Cedric's death was unnecessary and it only happened because neither of us wanted to beat the other. If only he hadn't been so noble. But if he'd just taken that Cup Voldemort wouldn't have been able to return., and he'd still be alive. I spent so much time blaming myself, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help it. What if I'd taken the Cup instead? But there's no use worrying over the past. What's done is done, and I can't do anything about it. Voldemort wanted my blood and thinking about it, he probably would have found another way to get back. I would've known how to handle journalists too, so Rita Skeeter wouldn't have got to me so badly. I would have grown up with media attention, as my parents were so famous. Heaven forbid - I might have been like Lockhart! That Muggle man, Frank I think his name was, he wouldn't have died either. And those poor Muggles at that campsite wouldn't have been tortured. People who died needlessly under the cruel hands of Voldemort would not have needed to in that different place. I wonder how the Triwizard tournament would've turned out. I wouldn't be in it because Crouch would have no reason to put me in for it. I might've even had a bodyguard. Cho might've even been going out with me, seeing as I probably would be so much more confident. I'd defeated Voldemort - she wouldn't scare me. . And with the ability of handling media attention, what's there to be scared about a girl? From what I have heard, she doesn't bite.

Don't think I'm obsessed with bringing my parents back to life or anything. I'm not; after all, what's done is done. I don't want to start interfering with time because it won't work - other wise my life would've been different. And if by some miracle, my parents did come back, even if it was only for an hour - they wouldn't know me. They wouldn't know my favourite subject, or who I fancied, or the make of my broomstick, or the team I supported. Its like how I am with the Dursleys. Or would they? Are they watching over me, laughing and crying along with me? Do they know who I am, what I am? Can they see me now; do they understand why I'm thinking this? If they can see me, hear me; are they trying to talk to me? But what can I do? What can be done?

I sometimes wonder about all these things. But I have no way for changing the past, only looking forward to the future. I know that might sound obnoxious from a fifteen-year-old boy, but its true. There's absolutely nothing I can do about the past. The present I can do something about though. I can make myself a better person; I can make myself strong. I can't do it all by myself though, and I have people who will support me through the darkest of my days - the times to come. The future for me is a huge scary gremlin, but I won't let that thought consume me.

I know I'm still very young. I know there are many things I need to learn still. I also know that dangers are awaiting me, and the dangers I'm not aware of. Just because I don't know about them doesn't mean they won't take place. My life will be full of twists and turns - it's inevitable. I'm just hoping with all my might that I'll survive them, that those experiences will help me understand who I am. My parents can't so I have to do it alone; but I'm okay with that. I've grown used to that with fifteen years of life.

Life's got many more things to throw at me, some bad, and some good. I'll laugh, I'll cry, I'm just another ordinary human after all. What I've done could be different to someone else but in the end, we all go in from the entrance and out the same exit. We all come the same way, we all leave the same way - the only difference is the bit in the middle. Everyone has their time on earth and everyone does something different with it.

I am a human, not a super human, not a super hero. I'm small, skinny and fifteen, not capable of much in a fight, although capable of lots in flight. I have strengths but I have weaknesses. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. I want to be me. I want to forget about the past and move on, but it's impossible when the past is shoved in you face everyday. Why can't they see me for who I am, a boy? Why do people think I can save the whole wizarding world - and the Muggle world at the same time? Why can't people see how vulnerable I am? Why can't they see that alone I can't save them all? Alone, I am nothing. I need love; I need hope. Love is the only reason I am here today, the only reason I survived my childhood. Love will carry me through every thing; I don't doubt it. I only wish people wouldn't consider me a hero, saviour to all nations, and then deny me of knowledge about myself because I'm too young. If I'm so young then why do I have all this responsibility?

I'm not trying to say I'm not ungrateful for all the help I've had over the years. Far from it, without it I probably would've died. I just want to fend for myself, I want to get a sense of achievement, and I want to be my own person. Slowly I think people are seeing that. Slowly. I hope they do and I hope I find out the truth behind my past - before it's too late for me to do anything about my future.

I am glad I have my friends with me; they are my pillars of support. Without them, I would have been dead in my first year. Especially Ron's sacrificial nature and Hermione's cool logic and sensibility. I admire my friends, they are as important as I am in all our past adventures.

They are wonderful people. And I really enjoy their company. They let me be myself. They allow me to be what I want to be. I am not a hero to them, just Harry.

Yes, just Harry. That's all I am.