The Legacy of the Snake

Monday, July 4

Hallo again, dear diary. Brand new, freshly bewitched little brother of the one which kept me company last year and now sits safely hidden in the vault in Severus' office, at Hogwarts. Since after I wrote my last entry I started having doubts about giving it to Marla. What if she lied to me more than I have already found out? I wrote too many dangerous secrets in it, the most important about Severus. I may be getting paranoid, (I may have a lot of good reasons to) but better safe than sorry, as Grandma Gladys would have said. Not that I remember, I was too little when she died. Father told me she had this quite annoying habit of using figures of speech, when she was in a tight spot.

Father, yeah!

I need to organize myself about the way I refer to my relatives, or I will end up even more confused, when I read it back. Let's see.

Mum and Dad to me are the Grangers, no doubts about it. They raised me, loved me, still do even after seeing what I look like, lately. I consider them my real parents, Muggles or not.

I have no choice but to refer to Lucius Malfoy as Father, no matter if the very thought of it makes me sick.

I cannot bear to call that thing Mother.

Good. Now, why am I still writing a diary? Well, when I think about last year, I realize how useful it has been to have a safe place where to blow up some of the pressure. There have been times when I would have exploded, if I hadn't. I don't expect my future to be much more stress-free than my recent past. I bought a couple of very thick notebooks, last Saturday.

Since my last entry in the old one not much has happened; finally, I may add. After deciding I would not give my diary to Marla I wrote her a long letter explaining first of all how and when the Dark Lord found out that I am a snake. I told her about my participation to the last General Assembly, and that there I found out who my real mother is. I thanked her for lying to me about it, for whatever reason she might have done it and asked if I could still visit her library, this summer. She has not answered, yet.

The last two weeks of June we were all busy with the year's end tests. I did not do particularly well in Potions, I know I should have studied more. Any time I get to it, I start thinking about Severus, my body quivers, my mind wanders, and no restrain can keep it tied to the books. I got instead Outstanding in Charms and in Transfiguration, and a 'cum laude' in Defence Against the Dark Arts (I deserved it, it is not just because Professor Pacchiotti walks on eggshells the whole time he is around me). It is mostly thanks to my wand. Its sensitivity is so beyond description! I could just imagine what I would have done if I had performed the tests as a snake. Just kidding.

In the four days after the tests were over I spent quite a lot of time with Karen. She knows all about me - almost all. She is talking me into becoming a Healer like she is planning to. I do not possess her natural talents but my wand can make up for it a great deal. And, mostly, I'm running out of options. About a year ago to the day I was convinced I would have become an Auror. Now it is of course out of the question. As a Healer I could at least use some of the abilities I have recently developed for something good. I don't know, I have one more year to ponder about it.

I asked Severus to marry me. One more upside down piece in my screwed life. He replied asking me why I wanted so badly to become his widow. Then we did not talk anymore.

I'm home with Mum and Dad. We are planning the trip to Ireland. We will be leaving on the sixteenth.

Mum is such a great cook. I must lose the fondness I have recently developed to smell with my tongue: one of these days I will be distracted enough to do it in public, then I will be in deep sh- troubles, I mean. Green curry seafood stew. With fresh mint, very hot. I'm starving!

<><><><><><><>

I may not eat green curry ever again.

Father Apparated in the dining room at dinner.

'If you have enjoyed this charade long enough you can come home, now,' he had the nerves to say. I replied in Parsel that if he did even the slightest harm to one of them I would spend the rest of the summer working my favourite Avada Curse, the twenty-sixth. Trying not to fool around with details, I could be finished with him by end August, in time to return to school. Then I continued in English, protesting this was my home, where he was neither invited nor welcome. I would remain here for as long as I wanted to: I could do so because I am an adult now and he could not order me around even if it were of public knowledge that he is my father.

'We shall see about that,' he commented and Disapparated.

I told them everything. I had to. About Voldemort and Harry. About Marla's lie and her older sister, my mother, a crazy fanatical sadistic racist who spent fourteen years in Azkaban for having tortured to madness the parents of one of my best friends, and that was the only one of her crimes they had proof of. About the charming, sleek looking visitor we just had, who is worse than she is, since he does what he does to quench his thirst for power, without even the excuse of being out of his mind. I told them about the Sorcerer's Stone, Tom's diary and the Basilisk, Cedric, Sirius. I explained that Marla was so desperate when she saw me transform because of our ancestor Sharina, her book and all that comes with it. I told them I have become a Death Eater myself on my seventeen birthday because it was the only way to save Severus life, and I would do anything for him.

I told them I would leave and never come back, if they asked me. After that, I could not look at them in the face anymore, I run up to my room. I'm not leaving till tomorrow anyway, just in case Father did not take me seriously enough.

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Tuesday, July 5

Dad just left my room. He wants to speak with Severus. He is terrified for me, for Mum and what could happen to her, to me. For the first time in his life there is a problem, a deadly danger over his family and he cannot do anything to fight back. I told him he must not worry about Mum or himself, I took care of that with my little incomprehensible speech, yesterday, but this seemed to upset him even more. He replied that there is no point in saving them if by using one of those horrors I lose myself.

Severus has given me a ring to use in emergencies. He wears another one just like it. I don't want to scare him; I will go to our Post Office instead and send him an owl.

<><><><><><><>

What a day! I'm dead tired, but I will write down what happened anyway. I know I will need to read back this diary; I don't want to miss anything.

When I returned from the Post Office I found Marla in the living room, frantically talking with Mum. It froze the blood in my veins to realize that now I have two substitute mothers worrying for me. They both took off in my direction, while still talking louder and louder, to overcome one another. They would have reached me, if an owl flying through the open window had not been faster. She delivered me a letter from the Ministry:

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Dear Ms Hermione Granger,

It is our duty to inform you of the following:

an anonymous accusation that you are an unreported Animagus

has been submitted to our attention.

In view of the most recent developments the decision has been made not to dismiss the accusation upfront. A hearing will take place on Friday, July 22, at 11 a.m. in the Ministry of Magic, Floor 9, Room 12.

A failure on your part to appear will be considered sufficient proof of your guilt and disciplinary measures would follow.

Regards,

Winfred Lebowitz

Improper Use of Magic Office

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What recent developments? These: they came with the following owl, while I still had not finished reading the first piece of bad news ...

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Dear Ms Hermione Granger,

I am pleased to inform you that a paternity claim has been posted in your behalf by Mr Lucius Malfoy.

The medical exam has been scheduled for Monday, July 18, at 8 a.m. Please bring this convocation to the reception at St. Mungus Hospital.

Enclosed please find the diet you are required to scrupulously follow the five days preceding the examination.

With best regards,

Virginia Owen

Administration

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Then, in very rapid succession, McGonagall Apparated, followed by Severus. They were all talking together, the noise was obviously louder than the drill Dad was using, because he came upstairs, to find out what the commotion was all about. He too started yelling, and this is when I could not take it anymore and vanished.

I Apparated inside the Shrieking Shack, in Hogsmeade. It could have been in New Zealand, for all I know. Very dangerous, to do it without thinking. I wanted to hide; I must have subconsciously remembered Remus' hiding place. After a while Severus' ring started moving around my finger. I did not want to go back, I did only after it bit me. They were all waiting for me in the living room, in silence. What followed was the most orderly brainstorming session imaginable. Even Dad contributed a lot. Amazing how quickly he has grasped this whole incredible story. A number of hypotheses came out but no brilliant solutions. I'm going to summarize all the important points, then go to bed and hopefully sleep.

Father wants to isolate me from my friends in Hogwarts to make me an easier prey to the Dark Lord. This must be why he wants to bring to light that I'm his daughter.

The Dark Lord obviously intends to use me as his newest weapon, so someone from the other side must have thought to disclose what I am, to reduce my effectiveness. It could have been anyone.

I cannot afford to become useless to Him, so the fact that I am a snake must not come out, no matter what.

There is no way I can learn to transform into something else in two weeks, not with my bloodline.

Whatever solution I find must also take into account Minerva, and not leave her in an unsustainable position for not having reported me.

I have very little time to find a solution, supposing there is one.

If Father reveals who my mother is, I kill him.

<><><><><><><>

Wednesday, July 6

There is no solution. I must ask Him what he wants me to do.

I told Severus to help me, because this Mark I have on my forearm is a Portkey all right, but He must call before I can use it. They obviously have ways to communicate; just no one has brought me up to speed in that regard.

<><><><><><><>

I hate this more than words can say.

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Sunday, July 17

I'm back home. I have showered, eaten and slept.

I'm as ready as I can be for my hearing.

Hell is uncomfortably hot in July. It nonetheless houses an interesting summer school.

I was invited to the first lesson on Saturday night, July 9. Till then I just spent the time trying to make myself as scarce as possible. I mostly consumed the soles of my shoes walking up and down in my room. The invitation came in the form of a blinding pain in my left forearm. No wonder I could pick up when Severus was called. I activated the Portkey immediately. The lousiest trip ever. Evidently they like it this way, it must be one of those macho things ...

He was alone. It was a lot scarier than last time, when all his followers were surrounding Severus and me. I had rehearsed so many times what I needed to tell Him that I could not remember a single word. Luckily He knew all already. He told me he would teach me a variant of the Imperius Curse, to be used to make the five members of the commission register me as a chameleon, like Grandma Marla. He said it is going to be a closed doors hearing. Father will take care of that.

I don't know how I survived His teaching. Three nights and three days without a break; no sleep, no food. He gave me something to drink, now and then; I don't know what it was. It kept me going. Then He left and I could finally drop exhausted and sleep.

When I woke up Nagini was there. I was starving. He told me to follow him; there was food nearby. I transformed and we went to lunch. If I think about it I feel like throwing up, and yet part of me still remembers it as a great, unexpected pleasure. I don't want to remember it, not now. I have much bigger problems to tackle.

We rested for a while, coiled together. I lost track of time. At one point the Dark Lord came back, with her. He ordered me to try the Curse, before leaving. I did. I made her spit on His face. She tried all she could think, even cried, but she did it nevertheless. He was amused. He was still laughing when He hit me with the snake version of the Cruciatus Curse, the one that looked so interesting in the Book. I was right, it is much better than the human version. I was wrong when I thought one must hold the wand with the tail to perform it correctly. It gives the word pain a whole new meaning. Then He dismissed me and I returned home.

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After dinner Severus arrived. Meaning he Apparated outside and rang the doorbell. He went straight to Dad and said he had come to ask his consent to marry me. He said this was surely a big mistake; still not doing it would be a much bigger one. We were speechless. All girls fantasize about their marriage proposal, no matter how outdated it sounds. This was beyond belief.

Dad eventually smiled and concluded: 'This is the one mistake for which you have my blessings.'

'Good,' mumbled Severus, turned around and left.

<><><><><><><>

Monday, July 18

Summer school is still in session. Today I attended another lesson I would have very nicely avoided.

At 8 a.m. I was at the reception of St Mungus, thinking they will re-schedule the exam and I will go home. Wishful thinking.

The receptionist told me to proceed to Room 3A, fifteenth floor and I went. Father was there, together with a tall wizard, evidently a Healer, and a chubby guy, dressed in a grey robe, looking like a clerk from the Ministry. I told the Healer right away I had some serious problems, which prevented me from following the prescribed diet. I had practically not eaten anything, but in particular I had not drunk the 4.5 pints of beet juice. He didn't look surprised, said nothing, grabbed my wrist and dropped a weird tiny worm in the palm of my hand. The thing bit me and sucked blood till it was a little red balloon. At that point the Healer pulled it out and dumped it in a beaker half filled with some murky white concoction, which was quietly bubbling over a flame on a table nearby. The colour of the liquid turned to an unhealthy yellow. He removed the beaker from the flame, sceptically observed it and asked Father if he was sure about proceeding with the exam. He nodded, took it and drank the whole content very hastily.

He laid down, started shivering and sweating immediately. After a while the Healer casually commented it would have been best to restrain him; he was not doing it, though, so I did. I used one of those fancy spells I was so curious about, from chapter one. When he became delirious and lost control the restrains were choking him, so I changed them to something harmless. He started mumbling to himself. The Healer silenced him with a spell.

By end morning I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, especially since the Healer was not paying any attention to my father, so busy he was observing my reactions. I was sweating my share and ready to go call for help when he said he would summon the other witnesses for the conclusion of the examination. He came back accompanied by two other Healers. The witch flashed a look at my father then turned to him and in a low voice filled with anger she said that St. Mungus is a Hospital, and he was supposed to be a Healer, in case he forgot. The clerk, who had spent the time trying to disappear in the colour matched grey wall, intervened and, in an almost soprano tone, declared it had been Mr Malfoy explicit wish to proceed with the test.

'Indubitably!' she commented dryly.

She cut a small slice of flesh from his right upper arm and dropped it inside a glass tube she had brought with, already filled with what appeared to be water. The chunk melted, the colour of the liquid turned to a brilliant turquoise blue. She showed the glass tube to the other two Healers, then turned to the Clerk and asked him to officially enter in the records that Mr Lucius Malfoy is beyond any doubt my father.

They all signed the scroll the clerk presented to them.

The third Healer, who had not spoken a word, left right away, followed by the Ministry's representative. She turned to us and asked if we had enough fun for the day and could leave Mr Malfoy in care of someone else from the Hospital staff. Healer Pain bent his head obsequiously and left the room.

Disgust. Scorn. Those were my feelings while I was contemplating his suffering. He should be proud of me: not a shred of compassion. And I had thoughts of becoming a Healer? Like the one who had conducted the test, perhaps. Why am I so surprised? Of course there must be Healers among the Death Eaters, they cannot take their wounded to St. Mungus. My future never looked so bright.

And there is more: would I have drunk the beet juice, if I had known what it was supposed to prevent? No, I wouldn't have.

<><><><><><><>

Friday, July 22

I'm ready to leave for my hearing. I cannot believe that no one has contacted me. McGonagall at least should be worried about herself, if anything. Mum and Dad have not heard from anyone since that evening in which the whole world wanted to have a saying about me.

<><><><><><><>

All went according to plan.

Closed doors hearing, five jury members.

I transformed and hit them with the Imperius Curse.

I made them believe I am a chameleon.

I also made them concur it was correct for McGonagall not to report me, to avoid violating my privacy by disclosing that I am a love child abandoned among the Muggles.

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, July 23

I went to the Post Office and sent Dumbledore, McGonagall, Marla, Ron, Ginny, Harry and Neville the following message:

I would like to know which one of you turned me in.

Hermione Malfoy

Now I'm using Severus' ring. I hope he will come. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone.

<><><><><><><>

While I was basking in the sun coiled on the window's ledge, an owl flew in, with a bundle tied to his leg. A piece of paper wrapped around Karen's Christmas present:

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Hermione,

The bracelet is a Portkey to the Malfoy's residence.

You must wear it, touch the head with the wand and say

'Honeymuffin'.

Please come as soon as you can.

I will explain when you are here.

Please, do hurry

Karen

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He is dying. Of course I'm going. I would never forgive myself if I missed it.

<><><><><><><>

I'm going to write down all details of what happened, one more time.

Then I will read it, pretending it happened to someone else.

Next I will decide if this other creature deserves one more chance.

I landed in the middle of a huge atrium; very nice trip, I knew Portkeys could be made comfortable, if one wanted to. Karen leaned from the balcony on top of the left stairway and signalled me to come up. She led me into a large room. Draco was there as well.

'It is all your fault.' He had deep dark rings under his eyes. He was furious. He looked too tired to act on his fury.

'He could have delayed the examination and made me drink that damned beet juice, if he wanted to. Don't blame me,' I replied annoyed.

'Would not - have - made - much - difference -'

At the sound of my voice he had opened his eyes.

'Your - poison -'

He was whispering one word at the time, with every shallow breath from the two thin cyanotic lines of his lips. His skin had the colour of an old dusty candle. Minute pearls of sweat - salty, acidic

sweet smell of death

NOT NOW

'Last year I bit Severus and my poison did not cause much damage to him. He only drunk a small amount of my blood, why should it be such a big deal?' I asked Karen. She spoke very fast.

'The problem comes from the mixing with the other ingredients of the potion.

'I need about two pints of your blood and a small amount of your poison.

'Right now. He is going to die.'

'We all do, eventually,' I replied. She slowly pulled out her wand.

'Healers don't let others die if they can avoid it,' she said.

'Very noble. Out of curiosity, do you actually believe to have a chance in a duel against me?' I asked.

'No, I'm hoping you still have a chance.'

She startled me. I didn't want to hurt her. She is a nice witch. Her only mistake has been to fall for the wrong wizard. Do I know something about that! So I told her she could take all she wanted.

A wide bowl was sitting on the nightstand. There was some sparkling coloured sand in it. She cut my wrist on top of the bowl. The sand adsorbed my blood without getting wet for what seemed forever. Karen had to cut me three times, because the gash would close so quickly. Then finally the sand turned into a soft mud. From that point on she kept adding my blood one drop at the time until suddenly the mud turned into a purple liquid. She poured it in a goblet and helped him drink it.

'Please drip some poison in a clean glass, I need to sting him with it later on. Then you may go, if you want. Or you can stay and bite him, when I tell you.'

I stayed. I could not take my gaze away from him. He was too weak to feel any pain. Waves of heat were flowing though his body. I transformed to see them better, to feel them. I laid on him. He opened his eyes again. I read pride in them. Victory. I bit him on the jugular. Draco grabbed me and pulled me away. I would have bitten him too, but I saw Karen. I snatched my wand and Disapparated.

Her bracelet and Severus' ring must be somewhere on the floor of my father's bedroom. I would like to return there to find out if he is already dead.

I don't know why.

<><><><><><><>

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Dear Hermione,

Let me express my deepest gratitude for your intervention in my behalf during your hearing. It touches me that you could do it while thinking that it was I, perhaps, who denounced you.

I can assure you, I was not. No matter what importance I may attribute to the fight against 'you know Whom', I would never sacrifice an innocent to it.

I wish I had some good news, some clues about what happened. I can only reiterate that I do not believe any of your friends is so irresponsibly cruel.

Please, find a way to spend this month, which separates us from our return to Hogwarts, in peace as much as possible. Animal instincts are primordial, even Muggles have at times difficulties with them. I know how hard it can be, and I only had to resist the temptation of eating friend's pets and, well, you know. I was not always successful. It would be easier if you were here with us, but Professor Dumbledore does not think it is wise, right now.

Write, if you feel like it.

With affection,

Minerva McGonagall

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^^^

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Hallo, Hermione.

I was chosen to answer you.

First, what are you talking about? No one here has a clue.

Second, we were all convinced Draco would have married Karen, one of these years. If it was just a plot to fool us, well, it succeeded. If it is instead an example of snake sense of humour, then it needs a lot of improvements, like your manners.

Ginny

Neville Ron

Harry

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^^^

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My Dear Hermione,

I just spoke with Narcissa who told me what happened. Let me help you, please.

The library at Beauxbatons is a great hiding place: I have used it to hide from myself since childhood. It seems to me it is what you need most, right now. To read about something, anything but death, to stop thinking, feeling your own compulsions.

Please come, I'm waiting for you.

With all my love,

Marla

P.S. I did not turn you in. I would never do such a horrible thing. I have lied to you before, so I do not expect you to be so eager to believe me. Come anyway.

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This is the best suggestion. The only one I have received.

No news from Severus.

I must run away from here, I have hurt them enough.

She is officially my aunt, now; I will go visit her. Till some Auror comes to bring me into custody.

Why is it taking them so long?

<><><><><><><>

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Hermione, we are so sorry.

We had no idea. Dad knew about the hearing, but said Dumbledore had prohibited him to inform us. He didn't know about the paternity claim.

Neville just received a cut out from the Daily Prophet from his grandma.

We have not had any time to talk, we wanted to write you immediately.

You must come here. You will be safe.

Just don't come right now. Dumbledore has changed something in the security, he must tell you again how to find the place.

We will keep in touch. Real soon.

Ginny Neville Ron Harry

A chameleon? How in Heavens did you do that?

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I answered them not to worry and not to write anymore.

Dumbledore is right to distrust me, knowing how good the Dark Lord is in possessing snakes. I would not go there if I could. Of course if he had not turned me in (the more I think about it, the more I become convinced it must have been him) the last two weeks would have been a better manageable nightmare.

I wonder if Severus has been kicked out too. I could ask him, if I knew where in hell he is, my elusive fiancé. If he had given me something else and not a ring, which requires a finger to wear it, I wouldn't have lost it last time I transformed. Maybe it is better this way. He said it was a mistake. My whole life is one big mistake, from the moment of my conception.

I'm going to Marla's, to hide in the library.

<><><><><><><>

Tuesday, July 26

My father is not dead. I inoculated him too much and way too soon but he pulled it out, at the end. Azkaban will have to wait.

This is why I'm happy about it.

<><><><><><><>

Monday, August 15

What a library!

I could get lost in here for the rest of my life. It is not such a bad idea ...

Really, the first three days I went about with a map. The History section alone is bigger than the whole library in Hogwarts.

I'm feeling myself again. My old self, I mean. I have been reading a lot of history because there are some unsettling developments in the overall political situation I have missed while I was busy with my summer school. Aunt Marla translates for me the most important points from Bourbon-Lancy Soir every evening. I'm not going to start writing about it. I have not figured it out too well, so far. Maybe history can help me understand better.

She tells me about herself, her upbringing. Every time the focus drops on her older sister she changes the subject. I told her to stop doing that. I am hiding, here, but it will not be forever. It would not hurt me to find out something about her. Maybe I could even hope to understand how she has become what she has become.

<><><><><><><>

Friday, August 19

Severus is here.

Actually he arrived two days ago, but till now I couldn't spare a moment for my diary ...

He has not told me anything about what he has been up to all the time I needed him so badly, or where he has been. I'm not going to ask him. He wants to take me to his grandma's house, where he spent the best part of his childhood. A little chalet in the Black Forest, in Germany. We will be there for about a week, then I want to go back to Mum and Dad for a couple of days. Who knows when I will see them again?

Till now I have accurately avoided worrying about our marriage or the scary rest of my future. I will bite myself if I ruin next week with any of it.

We are leaving tomorrow.

<><><><><><><>

Tuesday, August 30

I'm back home. Alone again. Without him, I mean. He left after lunch, so now I have all the time in the world to write.

Maybe I shouldn't. Hell breaks loose every time I write that I'm happy. On the other hands, hell actually broke loose a long time ago and never closed again, so it shouldn't be too risky ...

We have lived the past week with fury. It is heartbreaking the way he considers himself on borrowed time. We all are. Some more than others.

I said I was happy. I am. Living like there is no tomorrow is not too bad, when the tomorrow looks the way it does to us. Let's go back to grandma's chalet in the forest.

It is a cute wooden two-story building in the middle of nowhere. Grandma still lives there, with her house-elf. She is the only family Severus has left. His mother died in an accident when he was a teenager, his father was a Death Eater and was killed in a fight shortly after the Dark Lord lost his powers to Harry. Grandma Elfriede, his mother's mother, is still quite young and in very good shape. She was surprised when she saw me. He had not told her that we w-

I stopped writing because I heard Mum screaming, so I hastened downstairs. The reason was an old house-elf who had just Apparated in the dining room, on top of a huge chest. She jumped down, or I should better say she fell from it, kneed, started mumbling things like 'Mostly Honoured Mistress', 'Most Precious Jewel of the Household', laid a box to my feet and froze there, while still trembling like she had the yellow fever. I was kind of frozen myself.

Embarrassed I thanked her and told her she could return home but she did not move. I asked then if my father had ordered her to remain to serve me and she nodded. So I ordered her to stop trembling and get up, go upstairs to the second room to the right and start cleaning it in the quietest possible way, so to avoid attracting any attention. She ran up at a speed worth of the Olympic games.

The chest is full of school uniforms and accessories, two mantels, a fur hat, scarves, all in the colours and with the shield of Slytherin house.

In the box I found Severus' ring, another smaller box and the following message:

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Hermione,

The box contains a Portkey to our house. When you open it you will have 5 seconds to pick it up, touch it with your wand and say the word, which will then become your password. It is a winged key, it will fly after you when you transform so you will not loose it.

Herty, the house-elf I sent you, has been in the service of our family for all her 98 years. If you set her free the shock will surely kill her. Enjoy.

Father

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

After explaining to Mum what a house-elf is and saying I will get rid of her in the safest possible way (and in a hurry), I went back to my room, which has never been so clean. I told Herty her service has been excellent, but I would not remain in a muggle house much longer. She should return to our home and make sure my room over there is ready for me when I arrive. I will use her services again over there, where we all belong. She smiled up to her ears, while her eyes were still locked to the sparkling floor, and vanished. I feel like a flubberworm.

Might just as well get this over with.

I know which password to choose ...

<><><><><><><>

My 'room' means the third and last floor of the south wing, which opens to a sunny terrace ornate by old statues and exotic plants.

Better take it from where I left.

Cool and detached. Writing is relaxing.

One more day and I will be back in Hogwarts.

The key landed me in front of what father modestly calls home, actually a centuries old mansion in south England, judging from the weather. Under the shield of the Malfoy family perching over the portal a date reads '1397'. Obviously there have been many later add-ons, mainly in the seventeenth century, I would say. I used the key to open the door and was greeted by my speedy servant Herty. She kneed on the floor again, so I told her to never ever do that again or I will find another servant. I cannot stand it.

I asked if my father was home and I could talk to him. She answered they were expecting him back for dinner with some guests. She offered to take me to my apartment and inform Master Draco I had arrived. So I let her do that.

From the terrace I saw Karen reading a book under a tree, so I blinked over to her and asked her to forgive me for having been the worst bloody idiot I would have never imagined I could become. She hugged me, said in my place she would have gone mad a long time ago. We could become good friends, not just in-laws. She will be my sister-in-law because Draco is half my brother and half my cousin. Yep.

We were talking about the weather when Draco arrived. He was expecting me. He was not at all happy that I was there. I told him that I was sorry for what happened last time. I did not specify that I was sorry for Karen, a little for him too, not at all for our father, who finally got some of what he has deserved for so long. I should not have left. He was -

Every time I think about pain or death something awakes inside me.

I will not be able to control it much longer.

We returned to the house and they took me to a quick tour, which lasted the remaining of the afternoon. No comment. By seven o'clock Karen said we should go change for dinner. Since I was staring at her she laughed and told me she would help me. Curiosity killed the cat, Grandma Gladys would have said.

Back in my apartment I had the unpleasant surprise to find all my belongings there: clothes, books, all that was in my room at home, till the last paper clip. And Herty, proudly smiling at me. Remembering at the last instant that I should never throw to anyone a look-that-kills, because I actually do it, I told Karen to excuse me for a minute and Disapparated.

Mum and Dad were sitting at the dining table and not eating. I told them not to worry, it had been a misunderstanding with my so-called servant, I had no idea how to fix it without making it worse. Mum smiled sadly and told me to go and be careful. Dad was gazing intently at his potatoes. I left.

Karen helped me to choose a dress appropriate for dinner. By eight o'clock we were ready and waiting in the library, thanks Heavens. I busied myself reading, which is the best way I have to avoid thinking about my problems.

It was well past nine when another house-elf came to announce that dinner was served. We entered the dining room. Father was standing in front of the fireplace, a goblet in his hand, talking with three wizards in some north European language I don't know. Draco was there too. The house-elf announced again that dinner was served, and then respectfully informed my father that the Lady of the House excused herself but would not come to dinner. He did not pay any attention to any of the above. One of the wizards, apparently as starved as I was, turned around abruptly and came to the table. Karen, who obviously knew the drill, went strait to a place at the end of it and sat down without a word. I followed her.

I did my best to concentrate on the food, which was excellent, and ignore those four who kept talking in the same language the whole time, like we were not there. I succeeded almost to the end. I gradually went from being satisfied I didn't have to answer to any of them, through being annoyed, to considering them rude beyond reason. So I started whispering in Parsel to Karen. No idea if she understands any of it. They stopped talking. Then one of the three guests asked my father (in perfect English) if we were perhaps interested in politics.

'My daughter will never succeed in a diplomatic carrier. Besides, it would be a waste of her talents.'

'What are you planning for her future, then?' He kept asking him.

For the first time he looked straight at me and smiled. The temperature of the room abruptly fell below freezing. Another of the guests said something in the same language they were speaking before. Father turned to him and they resumed talking. Incident closed.

At the end of the dinner they all got up and went to the library. Karen left through the main door. She had tears in her eyes. I went back home, got out my diary (Herty had not found it, it was hidden inside the wall) and picked up where I had left. I'm using a ball pen I found downstairs. I will bewitch it behind a frame and bring it with me tomorrow.

Severus has been able to play double agent for years. Is it possible that I cannot even withstand one lousy dinner?

Summer school is still in session.

One more day and I will be back in Hogwarts.

Hermione Malfoy. From Slytherin house.

<><><><><><><>

Wednesday, August 31

Before lunch Herty informed me my father was waiting for me in his study. She led me to him.

He looked a lot more tired and worried than he did yesterday evening.

I asked him why did he do it.

Why did he drink that potion knowing it would kill him? Why didn't he have someone call me right afterwards? Why did he assume I would come, or could? I could have blown the hearing and ended up in custody, waiting for further disciplinary measures, as they said.

'Your Teacher did not want you to be disturbed before the hearing. By anyone.

'I was counting on you not 'blowing the hearing', you are an excellent student. It used to annoy me.

'I was sure you would have come to watch me dying.'

Logical. Still he had not answered the first 'why'. He didn't. He went on talking.

'You must learn to control your temper. I will not tolerate any embarrassment at the reception.'

'What reception?' I asked.

'You are getting married, if I did not misunderstand.'

I replied that I was somehow expecting him to disagree and try to stop us. In view of some other big plan for my future.

'I do indeed disagree and cherish great hopes for your, our future. Nothing that cannot wait a little, though.' He was again smiling and looking at me straight in the eyes. He continued.

'One more thing.' He walked to the door in the far wall and opened it. The wizard who at dinner had resumed their unintelligible conversation entered, bowed to me and said my father had granted him to beg for a grace. He probably thought I was not answering out of contempt, not out of sheer shock. Father explained he was among the Death Eaters invited to my birthday celebration. He only got a glimpse of me, when I transformed (how wise of them all). He pleaded the honour of paying tribute to my lineage.

I granted him his wish.

<><><><><><><>

Thursday, September 1

The girls dormitory in Slytherin consists of few little rooms nested one on top of the other, facing west, toward the Forbidden Forest. It may be due to the fact that there are so few girls, here. Besides from Karen, Pansy, Millicent and me there are only two others in third year and one new arrival. Karen occupies the top room, I chose the one below. All rooms have doors that can be locked and big windows one could fly a Hippogriff through. There must be a lot of flying about at night, here. The locking door will come very handy for writing secrets in a bewitched notebook. No secrets to write tonight, though.

At dinner, in the Great Hall, we were all surprised to see that Professor Pacchiotti was still there. Whew, two years in a row! Then Professor Dumbledore announced he would teach Defence Against the Dark Arts only to the students of the first five years. A lot of heads turned in my direction. The NEWTs will be held by Professor Snape. The remaining of the students turned their heads in my direction. Harry blew a salad bowl. Since I could not look at myself like all the others I was looking at him, I saw him doing it. He must work on his look-that-kills a lot if he hopes to do more that just take care of some resilient salad bugs. If he were not a halfblood I could give him some private lessons.

He cannot learn to become an Animagus, that's what I mean. I'm being sarcastic, clear?

	MON	TUE	WED	THU	FRI
08.00 12.00	POTIONS	CHARMS		DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS	TRANSFIGURATION
14.00 18.00		HERBOLOGY II	HERBOLOGY I
20.00 ........	all......	......for......	......you......	......my......	......love

Herbology is mandatory for Healers. I have not given up the hope of becoming a better Healer than my latest acquaintance Healer Pain. Professor Sprout has agreed to let me follow both of her classes till Christmas. Then she will decide if I can continue or I will only take the first and come back next year as an extern for the second one.

There is no need for official detention with Severus anymore: now that I am in Slytherin's I can go to him any time I want, days and nights. Il will be mainly nights.

Ernie Macmillan is the new Head Boy. Ron is probably glad not to trail Percy's footsteps.

I miss Crookshanks. He did not want to follow me to Slytherin Tower. He went with Ginny, instead. I miss Ginny too.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, September 4

I'm back from the hospital wing. I was the last one to be released.

I failed to attend my first Finnish lesson, yesterday.

Severus convinced McGonagall to switch the schedule of the classes they held for sixth- and seventh-years, to have our Defence Against the Dark Arts on Fridays, on the grounds that it would be better for us to have the weekend to recover. I wish I had been there to see her face! Of course he had a point ...

He told us we would start with some free hand duelling, just to warm us up after the summer break. He asked me and Draco to begin, and the others to be ready to take over, as soon as one was out. I disabled them all, one after the other. The last in line was Harry. He evoked his Patronus. Instinctively I was doing the same when Severus, who was right behind me, hit me at the base of the neck. I must ask him what it was. Clean and effective.

I'm glad he did, of course.

We are very few still taking Defence, this year: Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Ron, Harry, Luna, Neville, Ernie and me. If Luna and Ernie were not here I could transform, during class, then things could really get interesting for my friends. I may 'persuade' them to drop out. It should not be too difficult. Someone has already changed the schedule posted in the Hall to display DEFENSE AGAINST HERMIONE. Very amusing.

<><><><><><><>

Father wants me to learn Finnish because he says it is very important in our family, above and beyond politics. The wizard who begged to pay homage to me is a second-degree cousin of ours. We have relatives and important connections in Finland. I see no reason to refuse. How hard could it be, after Parsel? He also wants me to learn to 'decently fly'. I don't like flying. Not on brooms, not on Thestrals, not on anything. I don't like Portkeys too much either, especially the one engraved in my forearm. To Apparate is so much more comfortable.

<><><><><><><>

Severus will teach me Occlumency at least one evening a week, no distractions allowed. He is absolutely right. I have risked too much already.

We are getting married on December 23.

He said we would have two separate receptions. Of course we will: could I bring Mum and Dad to Malfoy Manor?

<><><><><><><>

Thursday, September 8

I knew this was coming, since July 22. I was not looking forward to it. Clearly they all wanted to see me turn into a chameleon. I stood in front of the class, with my back to McGonagall. I transformed then hit them with the Imperius Curse, all twenty-three of them. I did not make it too strong; they are not old and experienced Animagi. Still one fainted and three others got sick. It went well, I'm almost sure. I only have doubts about Luna. I asked Ron to find out if she saw anything she shouldn't have.

Harry is still mad at her. Understandable. She disappeared for the whole summer on another wild goose chase with her father without even writing him a note. He is mad at just about anyone on his path, actually.

<><><><><><><>

She saw me for what I am. At dinner she came to our table and said we should talk. So afterwards we locked ourselves in the Room of Requirement, which has become since last year my private confessional. I explained that to be a venomous snake is a very bad thing indeed, especially if everyone knows that your name is Malfoy. I told her that my mother is Marla, Narcissa's sister, and this is where it comes from. It goes without saying that we have no intentions of divulging any of this. I said that only Karen, Harry, Ron, Ginny and Neville know it, besides from Severus, McGonagall, Dumbledore and my families, the old and the new one. Which makes up for a big number of people, now that I think about it. I forgot to mention Lord Voldemort's Company.

I asked if she is an Animagus as well, which would explain why the spell was not strong enough for her.

'Yes, but I'm not in the mood of showing it to you, now.' What a fruitcake!

I assured her I will not tell anyone she is an Animagus if she gives me her word she will not spread the news about me any further. Or I could make her forget about it. I did not specify how, she would not have liked it and would have thought I was being bullish. She said she'd rather remember it.

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, September 10

This Finnish Tutor is the biggest jerk I have ever met. I went to send an owl to my father telling him to fire the guy before I do, then I thought better. I don't want him to think I have learned his ways so well, yet. I wrote another message, only saying to please find someone who could treat me like I'm am his student and not an ancient goddess. It's ridiculous and embarrassing.

<><><><><><><>

Wednesday, September 21

Herbology is the most boring class there is. Two entire afternoons, two days in a row, I'm dying there. If it were not that in one I can work with Ginny and in the other I can laugh at Neville's blunders I would have dropped out already.

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, September 24

Yesterday morning we had a surprise visit from Dumbledore.

The topic of the lesson was again protective shielding, meaning they were practicing shielding and I the breaking thereof. Nice and easy, no intentions of spending another weekend in the hospital ward.

Our trusted Headmaster sat in a back row and observed us in silence. When Severus was wrapping up the lesson he got up and said I maybe would have liked one more challenge. Pulled out his wand and waited.

I was not sure what to do. Why was he provoking me? To see how good I had become, how dangerous? So I replied it would have been nice to have someone test my defences, for a change. (Chapters 15-18 and 46-63)

He did, and broke through. It took him an awfully long time, compared to last year. Severus was proud of me. This is one of the reasons why I'm here writing at four in the morning.

The next three months will be the longest of my life.

<><><><><><><>

If Harry doesn't stop acting the way he does with Severus I will make him.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, September 25

We own three important gold mines in Finland. When I asked Draco who works there he answered that if I'm planning to ground a new freedom movement this is definitely not a good time.

I read the Daily Prophet with Karen every morning when my brother is done with it. Father has all the reasons to be worried. I would too, in his place.

<><><><><><><>

The new Finnish Tutor is a very young and witty witch. Tall and slender with long, almost albino blond hair and incredibly light-grey eyes. I must introduce her to Ron.

On the other hand her appearance looks too familiar, maybe I should find out if she is another of my father's love-children first. I have done enough damage to poor Ron last year.

<><><><><><><>

Monday, October 10

Today we attended a seminar instead of the regular Potions lesson, together with the sixth-years. Healer Francisco de Montcauvé is a famous racis- Alchemist, I mean. He is the one who conducted my unforgettable paternity test. During the mid-morning break Karen said she would have come better prepared, had she known it was he.

Unfortunately for her she is by and large the best student and he knew, so he kept asking her direct questions and comments the whole morning. Before lunch he enquired if someone had any specific demand for the practical session of the afternoon. Karen asked for something. No one had a clue what it was except Madam Pomfrey, judging from the way her lower jaw dropped.

He smiled and said it was a pleasure for him to discover a young and bright mind already so familiar with his work. She replied she had familiarized herself with a piece of his work during the summer.

'I am aware it was you who so flawlessly cured Mr Malfoy allergic reaction to the Clarett Potion. I could not have done better myself.' He walked toward us.

'I am very peculiar in choosing my personal disciples, but if you are interested in directing your studies toward the field of Alchemy of Life you could come and visit me in my Laboratory. I would be happy to disclose to you my current areas of research.'

'Master de Montcauvé, you have come here to conduct a seminar, not a recruiting session,' interrupted Severus. He turned his icy gaze to him.

'All my students will remain in Hogwarts till the end of the school year.'

Full stop.

I'm not the only one who would never succeed in a diplomatic carrier.

Half of the afternoon session was dedicated to wand diagnosis. He wanted to borrow mine and I replied without thinking 'over by dead body'. I could tell he liked the idea very much. Who knows how many interesting alchemic experiments he would love to conduct on my snake body, dead or alive.

I'm almost tempted to visit him in his Lab.

I must remember to control my thoughts and not let them wander in a dangerous direction.

Ever.

The rest of the afternoon he demonstrated how to brew a regenerating potion. Madam Pomfrey was impressed. It must not be anything like the one she uses. He said it will be ready in eleven days; she is welcome to keep it and try it, better if on an older student.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, October 16

Karen is attending Finnish lessons with me, only because she is my friend, she stresses out to anybody asking. I find Finnish a lot harder than Parsel. I have not inherited any language skill from Grandma What's-Her-Name, I must start from scratch.

Why do they have such impossible names over there? When my Tutor first introduced herself she laughed and then said I could call her Mary. The winters are cold and dark; they don't go out much, in Finland. They sit in their dark rooms, randomly mix alphabet letters on the table, lots of them, and then name their innocent children that.

My father's mother is Finnish. He and Draco got the hair and the sick looking skin from her. Their features are instead definitely Malfoy; so many portraits in the hallways at home carry them. I'm so glad I got my appearance from my m-

No, I'm not.

I don't want to think about it.

I was writing about our Finnish lessons.

Mary seems to be fun to be around. We have not found out much about her yet, because she says she doesn't speak English. It may be just a teaching trick, but we are playing along. She treats me like a regular witch who needs to learn a language. If she knows what I am she is convincingly pretending not to. I don't think we are related, I could risk introducing her to Ron, if he can beat the competition. We spend every Saturday morning in a room upstairs at the Three Broomsticks, reading and writing, then come down for lunch and do conversation in the afternoon. Many other students have been trying to start a dialogue with her. Finnish has never been so popular in this neck of the woods ...

<><><><><><><>

Tuesday, October 18

This morning in the editorial page on the Daily Prophet someone had the courage to suggest Minister Cornelius Fudge should resign. Incredible! He practically owns the paper, as we know all too well.

I don't see how it would help, if he stepped down. I don't see what else could help. We talk a lot about what's going on lately, meaning Draco and I. I still don't have a clue. He thinks he does. I hope he is mistaken.

I wish I could sit again to some of my father's dinners.

<><><><><><><>

Thursday, October 20

Tomorrow there will be another one-day seminar, held by an Auror from the Ministry. I do not know who will it be. I'm taking note of it beforehand just in case something happens ...

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, October 23

It wasn't too bad. Yesterday morning I was already back in one piece, ready to attend my Finnish lesson. Montcauvé's regenerating potion is exceptionally good. And surprisingly painless. Scary, instead. Throughout the night I felt like my whole body was torn to shreds from inside out. I was paralysed, could not even talk. Effective but awful. Of course I regenerate better than the others anyway. Neville was released only today before dinner.

The problem is that Aurors are required to arrest wizards. Therefore they need to know how to immobilize their opponents without killing them. I hate to be disabled. I can break out of just about anything, using my feet, since I cannot show them my tail. So at the end Harry decided to jump in to help and, on top of everything else, he sliced my spinal chord at the kidney's level.

We all learned a lot, on Friday.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, October 30

Mary is a musician. She is a soprano, sings renaissance music and accompanies herself on the lute. Her boyfriend is a baritone and plays the flutes. I asked her if they would come to our reception (after making her swear she would not tell anybody I'm getting married). She said it would be a great honour to perform at Malfoy Manor. So I replied I don't know what my father has in mind, I could talk to him but I don't want to push anything, I was thinking they could come to Mum and Dad's house. She did not understand, at first. My language proficiency is not yet that good. Draco, who has been spending the afternoons with us, explained. She replied they are maybe not very famous, but they are professionals, they don't play for Muggles. I offended her. What was I thinking?

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, November 6

Another uneventful week has gone by.

I have worried every morning after reading the Daily Prophet, attended some interesting lessons, bored myself to tears in the greenhouses, studied Occlumency and Finnish, wondered why Harry has become such an asshole.

I have made love to him, every night.

<><><><><><><>

Forty-seven more days and I will not be called Malfoy anymore.

<><><><><><><>

Friday, November 11

This morning we were practicing defensive measures against the Imperius Curse. Potter and Weasley were working together.

He hit Severus in the back. Made him stab himself. He missed the heart only because he is much better than Potter gives him credit for.

I gave him my best Cruciatus ever. I stopped only because Neville was screaming louder than Potter, hard as it was.

McGonagall revived him then took us both to Dumbledore's office and told him what Ron had related to her, which was quite accurate.

'I want you to ask yourself why did you do it and where have you learned the Imperius so well, Harry.'

'WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE CHAMELEON HERE WHERE DID SHE LEARNED IT?'

'Because I know. I can only hope you did not learn it from Him as well.'

'You must be getting senile, not just old,' I intervened. He turned to me.

'And I want you to ask yourself why you responded the way you did, Hermione.'

'Because I love him, in case you are the only one who has not noticed, yet.'

'Yes, you love him. This is why instead of trying to stop the bleeding, instead of taking him to the hospital, you responded by hitting Harry.' He paused, took a couple of deep breaths, and then went on.

'If this is all your love moves you to, then I see no point in keeping you in the school anymore. You can return to your newfound teacher and let Him finish your training. There is nothing else here for you to learn.'

'If you want so bad to protect your hero, who cannot come up with anything better than hit people in the back, then why don't you go ahead and kill me? It would be a much more definitive solution. Or you don't have the stomach for it?'

'There are things worse than death, Hermione. He never learned it. Maybe you can still do better than He.' He paused again. He was having troubles breathing. McGonagall moved toward him but he stopped her with a gesture of his hand and went on.

'I want you both to think long and hard about what happened, because none of you has understood it yet.

'Voldemort is using his new weapon.

'He is pinning you one against the other. He wants you, Hermione, to do the work for him. He is using his bond with you, Harry, to feed the hatred you already nurture for Professor Snape. To make you murder him. If he had succeeded, Hermione would have killed you, I'm sure of it. And it would have been all over.' He paused again.

'I will not tolerate any more of this.

'Voldemort is your enemy, Harry, not Professor Snape. You will resume Occlumency practice with Professor Pacchiotti twice a week.

'He is your enemy as well, Hermione Malfoy. I'm giving you one last chance.

'You may both go, now.'

We went. I came back to Slytherin Tower. To my diary.

<><><><><><><>

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Hermione,

Go to Severus' office. I will talk to you.

Father

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

It was not a Howler. Father has class even when he is furious.

It was just a regular letter delivered by a very big owl with very sharp claws, which landed on my shoulder on my way to lunch. I went right away. The fireplace was glowing green and the head of the butler house-elf was there, waiting for me. He disappeared and my father's showed in his place.

'Nothing - nothing - would make me happier than being informed my daughter has turned that nuisance of Potter into a bleeding heap of flesh.

'But not on a Friday morning, in a classroom full of witnesses.

'It is time you discard your childish unrestrained behaviour and begin to act in a manner appropriate for an adult member of the family. My plans for your future do not include an escape from Azkaban.

'Have I made myself clear?'

'Yes, Father. I'm truly sorry,' I replied.

'I will not hear excuses. Nothing like this - not even remotely similar to this - will happen again. Understood?'

'Yes, Father.'

His face disappeared and the flame died out.

I sat on the floor and stared into the empty fireplace till it was dark. Then I went back to my room to write.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, November 13

Severus is back in his apartment, sleeping. Madam Pomfrey used the remaining of Montcauvé's potion. He is still weak because of the bleeding, but I think will teach class tomorrow.

I sat by him in the hospital ward all this time, thinking.

Not really. Not thinking. I cannot think anymore. I just sat there.

I hate myself, what I have become - what I was all along.

I lost control. I allowed my aggressive instincts to take over just like Lord Voldemort expected me to.

And that idiot has done his part.

He doesn't have any justification. He does not carry the legacy of a thousand years of bloodthirsty monsters. He is just an irresponsible idiot.

I wanted to break him up. I enjoyed his agony, savoured every fragment of pain my wand echoed back to me.

When I hit Severus with my first Cruciatus, last year (it feels like an eternity ago) I was just happy to get even. It was more a forbidden game than anything else.

This was not. I would not have stopped if it had not been for Neville.

I would have gone all the way, like my mother would have.

I am her daughter. No need for the Clarett Potion.

I'm just the last of Sharina's Daughters.

One day I will make one of those nightmares come true.

Dumbledore is right, there are things worse than death.

Losing oneself in hell and still being alive is a lot worse than being dead.

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, December 3

Mary brought the lute. She sang for me old English songs about love and loss by a wizard named John Dowland.

I don't want to lose him.

I cried. I thought I could never cry again, I was so empty.

Where did all that come from?

I was drowning inside, in my tears.

I was so depress that I coiled around, like the rest of the world did not exist.

Wrong.

There are people, friends, family, they are all close to me and I was not seeing them. They can help me. Mary did, with her music. And she speaks perfect English when necessary.

I will ask my father to have them come to sing at the reception.

Yes, I'm getting married, dear Diary.

I spent three weeks in a limbo. I got up every morning, ate, attended lessons, felt transparent to all and everything. This way I sure don't hurt anyone, but it is not a solution. Pretending I'm not alive is not the answer. I am not the only one with a problem.

I can help someone too, if I stop staring at the monster inside me and start looking out, at all things that could be done with my wand, besides torture.

<><><><><><><>

I told Karen I have a secret diary, in which I have been writing my nightmares, and asked her to remind me of it, if she sees me falling inward again, to kick me until I get out of it and write, at least.

I missed Karen's birthday, on November 27. Some friend am I!

<><><><><><><>

Monday, December 5

It's official. It was announced in the Daily Prophet this morning.

There was a lot of commotion, at breakfast. Dumbledore and the other professors congratulated Severus to the point he looked ready to run away, since it is not possible to Disapparate, in Hogwarts. I got my share of best wishes from everyone at our table, and a lot of mixed reactions from the students of the other houses. Ginny came over and hugged me, saying she was truly happy for me. Ron has not looked at me since. Harry has a choice: he can finally start treating Severus as a regular wizard and professor, or he can full strength hate us both together. By the way, he has not spoken a word of apology to either of us, after what happened back in November. Luna asked me if my mother is going to be there too. Right! I didn't answer, of course.

I was expecting something from my father, in the form of a detailed list of all that will happen. I'm quite sure he will not let me have any saying about it, he will just let me know exactly what I must do, not to 'embarrass' him.

I'm curious about Narcissa. I was not at home very long, but she managed to be somewhere else the whole time. I understand her position. It must be awkward to have the entire high society know your husband had a daughter with someone else. And thanks Heavens the street wizard doesn't know it was with her sister ...

I wrote him a letter asking if it would be possible to have Mary and her boyfriend sing and play for us.

<><><><><><><>

I keep thinking about that curious dream I had of dancing with him, in the summer of last year.

I know what my artistic project with McGonagall will be ...

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, December 10

Father sent me something, all right: Herty.

She came carrying a huge family album.

It is four in the morning, I have finally succeeded in sending her away, for now. She has been instructing me about our family: who's who, who is related to whom, how important everyone is (in my father's political scheming structure, that is).

I so had it!

I used to have only a bunch of distant cousins, and was already having troubles remembering how I was related to them.

<><><><><><><>

If I looked at it like it were another NEWT, more boring than Herbology and the never forgotten History of Magic combined, perhaps ...

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, December 11

An entire weekend of family history.

Centuries of family history.

It was so much easier being a Mudblood!

I told Herty I would not hear one more word about the Malfoys. And that if I see her again before December 22 I will obliterate her.

<><><><><><><>

Tuesday, December 13

This Portkey is horrible. And it doesn't work from Hogwarts, or from any other shielded location, for that matter.

I was with Severus. We were ... busy. I felt the regular blinding pain, tried to activate it immediately - well, almost immediately. He told me it doesn't work as it should because I did not finish the initiation ritual, I only got the Dark Mark, on the twenty-third of May. No one told me anything about any ritual. He flew me out of the school grounds and then I could go.

She was waiting for me, alone.

I had not seen her since my Imperius Curse test run, so I was not sure what to expect. She was not wielding her (my) wand. She moved close to me, without a word, extended her hand to touch me. I did not move. A golden snake uncoiled from her wrist and wrapped herself around my neck. I asked if it was another family heirloom. She said yes, but this was only about 400 years old. It had swallowed the pendant, which was showing only through the hollows of her eyes. She said the snakes in the family use it to hide the pendant when in public.

'Smart. It is also very beautiful. Thank you,' I replied.

She smiled, and then told me to go away.

I don't know what to make of it. I'm not referring to the necklace.

<><><><><><><>

Wednesday, December 14

The initiation ritual no one told me about consists in using the Avada Kedavra Curse to kill a magic being. Muggles are not good enough. The echo the Curse sends back empowers the Portkey to its full functionality.

Severus told me he had an idea, how to go around it. He said I will surely not like it, but it may be the only way to avoid enduring that pain for so long over and over again.

<><><><><><><>

Thursday, December 15

My dress is ready. It is magnificent. Professor McGonagall had to give ten points to Slytherin. Occasionally she would almost say 'to Gryffindor', then correct herself. I'm sure she does it on purpose.

I asked Colin to take a few pictures and sent them to my father, asking if it would be appropriate for me to wear it. After a lot of thinking and changing my mind I decided to tell him the whole story. About the dream, I mean.

One of these days I will tell Professor Trelawney, just to see the look on her face ...

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, December 17

Mary and Offuidh (yes, he too comes from Finland) will sing at the reception. She was ecstatic. I'm very happy my father agreed to it.

I learned a lot of Finnish words connected to marriage, today. We could not talk about anything else.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, December 18

Severus was right: I didn't like it - huge understatement - I hated it. I have been crying my eyes out. I will write, it usually helps.

This afternoon he led me into the dungeon, back to the big room, which had been my first detention cell, last year. When I entered I found myself in a mock-up of the graveyard. A young man was tied to the cross. He was already unconscious. I turned to Severus and asked what the hell was all that about. He explained he had used Boggart's essence to conjure up a 'living' copy of someone. I would need to put a Legilimens Spell on him and he would let me re-live his initiation.

For four entire days I was able to avoid thinking about the fact that he obviously had performed the complete ritual.

He added he would have shown it to me anyway, before getting married. At least this way it would serve a purpose.

I sensed his fears, his pride, his hatred.

I murdered Sirius' young brother, the useless weakling, again.

I felt the cold echo gliding through my body, burning me. I threw up. I don't know if he did it too, then.

<><><><><><><>

I will marry a killer.

I am a Death Eater, the last in a thousand years long roll of monsters.

I'm so good with the Cruciatus Curse!

Who else do I deserve to marry, anyway?

<><><><><><><>

Monday, December 19

It's three in the morning. Ginny is not here to wake me up, I had to do it myself.

I was dreaming I was in an underground hall. I had been called to another General Assembly. I had come with my father. Some of the Death Eaters close by disarmed us.

Then Lord Voldemort moved toward us. He said He understood I was having problems deciding where my loyalties should reside, so He was going to help me. He pointed his wand toward him and started spelling the Curse. Before He was done I jumped in between and hugged my father. I heard someone far away screaming.

It hit me in the back, a little to the left. A light touch. No pain, nothing. It was not like fainting, no time to think, to feel. Somebody had switched off the light.

The filigree in my dress shimmers in the dim beam coming from the window.

Is it going to end this way? Dying in his place? Why did I do it, in my dream?

Because it is better than to be left without even his protection, perhaps? Better than to survive only to carry out Voldemort's commands?

I don't want to die. In three days I'm getting married.

I feel a prickling sensation in my back, a little to the left.

<><><><><><><>

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Hermione,

You will return home with Draco and his girl on Thursday, immediately following the end of your lesson.

You will come directly to my study and review the guests' list with me for as long as necessary.

Important family members will begin to arrive in the morning. You will greet them and remain in their company.

Lunch will be restricted to family.

In the afternoon the remaining of the guests will arrive. You will be excused, to change and prepare yourself. You will then wait for me in your rooms.

The ceremony will take place at 3.55 p.m., in the pavilion. Afterwards a buffet will be served in the ballroom.

All guests will leave by 10 o'clock.

Your dress is exceptionally beautiful. I found it hard to remind myself that you are my daughter, while I was looking at your pictures. You will wear it at the ceremony on condition that you do not mention to anyone you made it yourself.

In the Malfoy family no one makes dresses, we order them.

After our shared adventure in the Department of Mystery I thought you would have learned to distinguish between dream and reality, together with your former friends. Has your animal nature made you put it all behind you perhaps?

As for me, I am only a wizard, I have not forgotten any of it: Azkaban is not the same, without the Dementors, but it is still not a place I would have chosen for my unwinding. I will not hear any more nonsense. Leave it to 'Professor' Trelawney and to that repulsive creature Dumbledore has chosen to be her worthy colleague.

Father

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

No comment.

<><><><><><><>

Thursday, December 22

It is already Thursday. I cannot sleep, I'm too nervous.

Write, Hermione, write!

I could tell my faithful Diary something about the week Severus and I spent in the Black Forest, for example. That should keep me busy for a while.

Severus is very fond of Grandma Elfriede. She is not only all the family he has left, she is practically all the family he ever had. His parents had a miserable marriage; he says he doesn't remember anything except fights, at home. His mother took every occasion to send him away, to her parents.

Grandpa Amadeus was much older than his wife. He had worked in the Ministry of Magic, I don't know in which position. She had worked there too, in her youth. She was in charge of Foreign Relations with the Far East, mainly Indo-china. She must have liked travelling. Then at one point she had enough and retired quite suddenly with her man to their nice cottage in the middle of nowhere. She did not tell me why, what happened. She doesn't travel anymore. Father probably invited her, I don't even know if she will come.

She enjoys cooking, like Mum. That made me feel immediately at home. We prepared dinner together every afternoon, chattering about a million things. I found out what he likes to eat, finally! And lots of other details which sound so weird, when I remind myself he is still my Professor.

In the mornings instead Severus and I would go walking in the forest.

It was so relaxing! Uncontaminated nature, the smell of the trees, the scent of the wild life. It made me so hungry all the time. I did not eat anything because when I do then I must remain a snake for a few days, and it would not have been good timing ...

There are huge numbers of Thestrals, flying over the Black Forest. Severus explained how comes his Patronus takes the form of one of them.

This is what happened.

As I said before Grandpa Amadeus was much older than his wife. He died one hot summer afternoon when Severus was three years old. Therefore he has seen the Thestrals for as long as he can remember. He was always fascinated by them, but of course Grandma never let him get close, they are extremely dangerous in the wild.

When he got to Hogwarts and saw the ones tamed by Hagrid, it was his childhood dream come true. One evening he sneaked out and went into the Forbidden Forest. He managed to attract one female, to touch her, to mount her. He was so happy that he said to himself he would have wanted to show Grandma he could ride a Thestral. He did not know, then, that they understand the wishes of the person mounting them. She took off. She flew him from Hogwarts to grandma's house in the Black Forest. I rode only to London, over a year ago and it was in the summer. He did it when he was eleven, in the middle of winter, all the way to Germany. He still has no clue how he survived.

Grandma called his parents immediately. His mother was fuming. His father was unspeakably proud and bought him the fastest broom on the market. He of course did not want to hear about flying again for a very long time ...

His father had great expectations and Severus did his best to fulfil them. If he had fulfilled his mother's, instead, he would not have ended up with a burning Mark on his left forearm.

This is not very smart: I was writing to divert my mind from the thoughts of my father, his expectations and my burning forearm.

I'm exhausted, my stomach is all knotted up and my eyes are on fire. I wish it were the day after tomorrow already.

I thought getting married was a happy event.

Mum told me she was a little nervous too. She of course married a dentist.

If I am too tired I cannot lock up my mind. I cannot afford that. Enough.

<><><><><><><>

Saturday, Dec

''-~^>----|

I wish it were that simple. When I change, my perspective changes too, so much. I miss so many aspects of reality.

Of course I miss a lot also when I'm only human.

I don't know anymore.

Especially now.

I'm back in Hogwarts. I moved all my stuff to our apartment, including my diary, but then I could not get my mind off them, so I transformed and started writing. It doesn't help if I'm a snake. I only wanted to go back, till Severus made me revert to human form. He has one infallible way to do that ...

He told Mum and Dad we would spend New Year's Eve with them. They expect us this evening around eight. We shouldn't go. He should be in bed, resting. He is so stubborn, I'm sure we will go anyway. Till then I have a lot of time: I'm planning to stay here and write all that happened, from my last entry. Another never-ending nightmare I actually lived through. It didn't start too bad, as usual.

I returned home on the twenty-second as Father requested, as soon as McGonagall dismissed class. I went to his study and he interrogated me about everyone on the guest's list till dinnertime. I'm a good student, I did not disappoint him.

At dinner I finally met Narcissa. She hates me. Like it were my fault having been born. Father must have told her which conduct is politically correct in this situation but I don't think she intends to comply too much. She barely pulled through for the twenty-six hours I was there. I will return there tomorrow and talk to her alone. We must find an acceptable modus vivendi, we have no alternative.

I found exceedingly difficult to fall asleep, in my new surroundings. I didn't bring my diary. I just tossed and turned in my huge, antique and squeaking bed forever. The next morning was the longest of my life. I spent it with 'important family members' I couldn't care less about, anxiously watching what I was saying to whom and all that. By lunchtime I was worn out. Luckily Father joined us, so the attention shifted on him and I could breath easier for a while. Then I was excused and locked myself in my apartment with Karen. We helped each other to get ready. It was while dressing and fighting with my hair that I finally realized I was getting married and began enjoying it.

My father Apparated in my bedroom at 3.45 p.m., hell knows why. Dad is not a wizard, he could not do that if he wanted to, but in accord with his muggle sense of privacy he always knocked at the door, before coming in. Karen left us alone.

He was wearing a pitch-black robe. Opaque, the fabric seemed to adsorb the light. It had only a few sober metallic decorations around the neckline and at the wrists, in the grey hue of his eyes. He was emanating pure power.

I was afraid to lock gaze with him, I did not want to risk a surprise Legilimens. I also did not want to risk succumbing to the urge of poisoning him again. Still I couldn't help it. He caressed my neck, smoothly dancing his icy fingers over the necklace. Like a conqueror assessing his bounty, a lover riding waves of desire. Not like a father, no. He told me to wait five seconds then Apparate on the balcony on top of the right stairway, and left.

There is a reason for writing all this. It is to help myself understanding it, all of it. I could start by finding the courage to speak out what I felt, under his touch. He was not wearing gloves.

We walked down the steps, out in the snow. The sun was setting, his last beams of light reflected at the bottom of a layer of thick clouds. A blood-red ceiling over us, getting darker as we were pacing in the garden. I remember thinking it was weird to get married at sunset. I had somehow imagined it should have been at dawn, if anything. The dawn of a new life. That was before becoming a Death Eater.

It started snowing. Just like in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, the snow never reached us. The entire area was bewitched: the house, the park. I could see the trees far away stirring in the wind, while around us it was still and silence.

All the guests were standing in small groups. Some had accompanied us from the house, and now they were all waiting. Severus was alone at the edge of the woods. We walked toward him. A shadow emerged from the trees. She was dressed like father, she moved between us. Severus turned to her and spoke in Parsel:

'I offer myself to you.'

'I give you to my daughter.' She took his left hand and laid it flat on the head of my necklace.

Father asked me: 'Do you accept him?'

I answered, 'I accept him.' He took my left hand and placed it on his.

Mother raised her wand and touched the back of my hand. She spoke an enchantment, still in Parsel, but I did not understand it. What I felt reminded me of the Transfiguration Test McGonagall had performed so long ago. Only this time it was all over my body, Severus body. We were one in the blizzard howling inside us. The spell had been broken, it was snowing, it was cold and dark. She had vanished.

Severus embraced me, caressed me tenderly. I realized we were alone in the snow. The house was all lit, a flute was playing, and then Mary began singing. We slowly walked back.

I cannot believe she did that. There were sixty-two guests at the ceremony. They were family member or wizards strictly connected to my father's political endeavours, so I don't expect anyone will start any rumour, but still ... And what about Minister Cornelius Fudge? He was there too. Of course it was dark, she was wearing a robe made in that strange fabric, almost an Invisibility Cloak, I hope he did not recognize her.

Wait a minute: I hope what?

She is a murderer, an escapee from Azkaban.

My mother killed Sirius.

I used to have nightmares about it; I used to remember his smile, and the twinkling in his eyes warning us he was going to say something outrageous and funny.

I killed his brother.

Were he still talking to me, Harry could state I didn't - not really - it was only a phantom. He destroyed Lord Voldemort's spectre without afterthoughts.

Of course He deserved it.

Regulus deserved it too: he was a defector.

Severus is a traitor as well, a much worse one: he has conscientiously been at it for years.

I just married him.

I was writing about it. To bring clarity to my mind. I'm not doing very well.

We went to the ballroom not because we wanted, but we had to. Severus had bewitched the snow on my hair and my dress before coming in, I was glittering, glowing, happy as I had not been in a long time. I remember going around, greeting people, speaking in Finnish without thinking beforehand what to say. Severus was the closest to being sociable I have ever seen him. Grandma Elfriede was not there. She would have been thrilled to see him talking to strangers, asking polite questions about things he didn't truly care to know.

Marla had not been invited. When we were reviewing the guests' list I enquired and Father said he was not going to mortify himself with her presence. I was looking for Karen. I finally saw her in a corner, engaged in an animated discussion with Francisco de Montcauvé. I thought she could use some help and walked toward them. I was sure nothing could ruin my good spirit, not even him.

'... what your Master thinks of all this,' she was saying.

'If you desire to ask Him, it would be a great pleasure to see to it that you do.'

'She is not going anywhere to ask anybody anything with you.' Draco had interrupted their exchange. He was paler than usual, and was looking at Francisco with genuine disgust.

'What's the matter, is he disclosing his newest breakthrough in poisoning?' I am usually good at turning sticky conversations into jokes. Not this time, though.

'You need not to worry, Draco. He would not have any particular interest for your girlfriend, not at the present moment.' He had turned to me. An unpleasant surge shivered along my spine. Karen spoke very angrily.

'We were not discussing poisons. He was enlightening me on the superiority of Magic Beings. He was stressing how a pure-blood wizard is so much above some miscarriages of nature, like for examples born Animagi.'

'How fascinating!' I replied. 'Yes, I too would be curious to know what He thinks of your opinion in this matter. I will sure ask Him next time.'

'You may be too distracted to remember to ask questions, next time.' He bowed his head in that mocking manner I had seen before and walked away.

I should have paid more attention.

I did not want to let him spoil my evening.

I was happy, proud of the way everyone looked at me, at my dazzling dress. Severus and I were married! No more excursions in the night at school. No more waking up alone.

'I want you both to be careful around de Montcauvé. He has ways even I find - unsettling.' Father was standing between Draco and me. I had not heard him coming.

'I can take care of him, if required,' I replied, in Parsel.

'You should take care of your eyes first, Hermione. Chameleon's have horizontal slits, remember?' He smiled. There was warmth in it.

Severus and I spent the remaining of the evening sitting close to Mary and Offuidh, enjoying the music while sipping some hot concoction I must find out the recipe for. Around 9.30 the guests began to line up to take leave from us. Our musicians quit playing and bode farewell, in a moment of pause. They were showing all the respect required, still nothing could hide the spark in her eyes ... By the way, her real name is Maijsa Hannuxenpoica.

The chime was beating ten o'clock. It was the only noise, coming from the atrium. In the ballroom there were still people: Father, cousin Pente Keuckoinen, a witch and five wizards, all relatives of ours, and Francisco. They were standing in circle, in silence.

I turned to Severus and said: 'Shouldn't we be going, now?'

'We usually are able to restrain our enthusiasm and wait to be summoned,' commented Francisco.

I did not understand, at first. I had told Mum and Dad we would be there shortly after ten. Severus had said we would have two separate receptions.

Then my left forearm began hacking.

They were all looking at me.

Rage. It grew slowly, from despair. That was the other reception. How could I have thought ...

I will show them. I raised my wand and activated the Portkey.

I landed in a clearing. Lush tropical vegetation built an impenetrable green wall. It was bright daylight, my eyes narrowed.

He was resting on the trunk of a fallen tree, leaning against a branch, so shockingly out of place, in the scorching sun. Nagini was coiled there as well. All the others were sitting on the ground.

Father came, followed by our guests.

'I thought your house was shielded, Lucius,' said Francisco.

'It is. My daughter is full of surprises.'

'Why don't you tell us, Hermione?' The Dark Lord was smiling.

'Severus helped me. It was the most horrible thing I ever did, I will not talk about it, especially today.'

Nagini slithered off the trunk, slowly. His black skin was shining with a dark green hue I had never noticed, since before I had seen him only in dim light.

He was glorious, the Lord of the Jungle.

He began singing to me. I heard that harmony an age ago. This time it was about passion, desire. I transformed, so I could sing with him.

Severus came only this morning. The burn has extended so much he cannot move his left arm anymore. Lord Voldemort left his Portkey active the whole time. I felt his piercing pain all along; it was the only way he had to be with me, with us.

It was called ius primae noctis.

We are not in the Middle Ages anymore.

<><><><><><><>

Two days ago I laid eight long translucent eggs. Nagini will protect them, I could not remain there. I wish I could. I wanted to so much ... I want to return there ... I cannot leave him - Severus - Nagini

Severus came to take me back, to New Year's Eve with Mum and Dad, to Hogwarts, to the other life I must live.

<><><><><><><>

They will hatch on February 7.

<><><><><><><>

Sunday, January 1

He is sleeping. I will write for a while, I don't want to disturb him. Tomorrow school starts again, everything will be back to normal, except that my books will be in the classroom already, when he will open the door to us.

My inflexible Professor Severus. We went to the Granger's, of course. He insisted we fly out to Hogsmeade then Apparate.

Marla was there. I had invited her to Mum and Dad's, after seeing she was not on the guests' list at Malfoy's Manor. Severus knew about Voldemort's reception, naturally, so he had re-scheduled the whole celebration without telling me. She didn't do very well in hiding her anger, when she hugged me. The blood dripping on the carpet from the sleeve of my husband's robe wasn't helping.

Then Father Apparated. He was carrying my wedding dress on his left forearm. He pulled the wand out of his walking stick and made a waving gesture. My dress came to life, as if worn by an invisible ghost. He had his forearm still around the waist. He stepped toward me, in a parody of a dance.

'I thought you may want to wear it again, tonight,' he said. He pointed his wand at me and vanquished everything I was wearing. I transformed, slid inside it and reverted to human form. I'm naked as well, when I'm a snake. Somehow it doesn't bother me, not even if he looks at me. If I'm human then I'm embarrassed. Totally illogical, I know.

I unlocked myself from his embrace and turned around, pretending I was still dancing. Marla was wielding her wand. I had never seen her with it; I even thought she might not have one, crazy as it may sound. Her eyes had taken an unbelievable red glow and she was fixing my father. I moved between them, my back to him. A cold breeze stroke me: it was from him: he was not done with me, yet. He fixed up my hair, not the way I had done it with Karen. When I turned to him he had his wand already back in the walking stick, in complete disregard of Marla's menacing posture.

There was fire in his eyes too, a different kind of burning he was keeping under perfect control, which made it so much more fierce and scary.

'If you were not who you are I would ask if you'd like to join us for dinner,' Mum said.

'If I were not who I am I would stay,' he replied to her while still gazing at me, then Disapparated.

Marla was doing the impossible to keep her fury at bay. For the first time I realized she was Bellatrix's sister, librarian or not.

'He answered to you, a muggle woman. Amazing! There may be hope for him, after all,' I said, trying to cool down the atmosphere. Mum continued.

'Your dress is stunning, I'm glad he brought it here. I wish I could have been at the ceremony! Wizards don't make movies, I suppose.' She paused. 'On the other hands, Professor Dumbledore cast a spell on me, last year. Lego-ment he called it, I think. Could it work the other direction as well?'

It was a great idea. I said I would go and ask Karen. She could show her the whole evening. Leaving out de Montcauvé, maybe.

'Not tonight. She must be celebrating New Year's Eve with your brother. One of these weekends we may finally manage to come to Hogsmeade, who knows ...' she concluded.

We spent a tranquil evening. We had excellent food, chattered about all kinds of things. I wanted to figure out how much of the political unrest of our world had spilled out onto theirs. Marla had many interesting points to make. She has a life-long passion for History. She and Dad talked as they had known each other since kindergarten.

Severus was quieter than usual. He was still in great pain, and doing his best to lock up from me as much of it as possible. I'm thankful for what he did. I needed a normal evening more that ever before, and he made it possible. Besides, there is nothing that can be done: that damned Mark has a life of its own, any attempt to heal it would make it much worse, he said.

We left around two in the morning and returned to Hogwarts.

After he was in bed I could not hold myself any longer: I changed into something appropriate for a late morning at Malfoy's Manor but left right away and went to see Nagini and my little ones, first. I was home by ten o'clock.

I told Herty I needed to talk to Narcissa and that I would not take a no for an answer. I talked to her all right. In the atrium.

'How dare you. How dare you come to my house, take what is rightfully mine, you stinking beast.' She would have shouted, had it not been too low class. I was not in the mood for a fight. Besides, I realized there actually was a lingering smell on my dress her aristocratic nose could not have missed.

'This is my house as well, and not because I chose it. Believe me, there have been times I would have sold my soul to the devil to change who I am. Then I ended up giving it to Him for free, and it has not made any difference ...

'Like it or not, we must find some kind of an understanding, because I'm not going to vanish from your life or anyone else's in this household, not if I can help it.'

'I will find a way to help it,' she replied.

'It would be your last mistake, one I would give you plenty of time to regret,' interrupted Lucius. He had Apparated between us. He was wearing a white coarse cotton robe; steam was hovering from his wet hair.

Draco and Karen had not showed me the sauna, the day they guided me to the house tour.

He always wears black.

The only time I had seen him otherwise, he was in his bed, dying.

His skin was covered in sweat, quickly evaporating in the cold and dry atrium of our house. It made a flickering halo around him.

He is my father. Lucius Malfoy is my father. Why do I need to remind myself of this?

'You have the nerves to lecture me about mistakes?' she was saying.

He was wielding his ebony wand, the one he brings to the Gatherings. It was pointing to the floor, a droplet of water trickling from the tip. As usual he didn't bother to answer her remark, just kept on talking.

'I have no problems if you decide to take this dispute to your sister and resolve it with her. In fact that would indeed solve one problem or another ...

'I have an heir to the Malfoy's dynasty and the last Daughter of Sharina carries my blood in her veins. I could not desire anything more for my progeny. Try to remember it.'

She was too angry to be scared.

'One day your arrogance will destroy you.' She paused. The Angel of Hatred, wishing I had not been born. Like her sister, so long ago.

'Till then I will play the good wife, quiet and forgiving. I will patiently wait to laugh on your grave. I know I will.'

She left. We were alone in the big silent atrium. Another droplet hit the floor in slow motion.

I noticed he was shivering imperceptibly. It was not anger, nor the cold. He turned around.

'The effects of Karen's Potion will last a lifetime. You cannot kill me with your poison any longer. It would only hurt. Very much so. I'm sure you know it.'

A wave of panic made my heart beat even faster, unlikely as it was.

'I'm not reading big secrets from within your mind, I'm just smelling your pheromones. You should be going, right this instant,' he finished.

I went. I run away but it is not from him I should run.

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I got last year's diary out of the vault and read it. I do not recognize myself in the frightened girl who began writing it. I also got out Sharina's book. I spent quite some time observing the illumination of the Avada Tahil Curse. I find it disgusting but also very well designed. No way I would faint while looking at it.

I used to write 'I do not know who I am anymore'. Well, I do now.

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Sunday, January 15

Dear Diary, am I busy now!!!

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Sunday, February 12

They have hatched. I must tell somebody, something, even a piece of paper. Severus had to drag me back to Hogwarts.

Six males and two females. They are soft, wiggly, always hungry and totally oblivious of the rest of the world, with exception of the few rodents in their smell range. They are all light brown, with tiny dark green spots. It must be for mimicry. Not that they could be in any danger: a magic barrier now protects the area and Nagini would not let any big animal get to them anyhow. I had to leave them there. It is hot, humid and there is plenty of food. I could not take them to Hogwarts in the middle of the winter. Besides, poisonous pets are not allowed on the school ground. Certainly I could not tell our Headmaster he should make an exception because they are my little ones ...

Father came to see them, on Thursday. He is immune enough to their venom: they are still too little to pose a serious threat. He was bitten a few times. They did not like his touch. How can his hands be so cold, at the tropics? Mother did not show up, not even when the Dark Lord came. She is not the mother type, Dumbledore said a long time ago. Even less prone to baby-sit snake grandchildren. Who cares? They are safe with Nagini. I will be back on weekends. It is going to be complicated.

While I'm writing I might just as well do a good job and lay down another piece of important news. The Dark Lord was very pleased with my - our - little ones, so He said He wanted to celebrate the event. He said He would grant me one wish, anything I wanted. I do not know how I got the idea. He caught me by surprise and I was probably too happy to think before speaking. I told Him I had an old score to settle. I asked Him Wormtail. He answered I could take him and do what I wanted. I hexed him with an Imperius Curse, to make him report to the Ministry of Magic. He would confess betraying the Potters and framing Sirius, then kill himself. At the last minute I remembered to force on him that he would not mention my name. Tomorrow at breakfast I will read the paper. If all goes well only Harry and the other old friends should figure out I was the one behind it. McGonagall and Dumbledore as well, now that I think about it. It was not very smart of me ... on the other hands, what can he do, expel me? He would do me a favour: I could go back to my family.

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Monday, February 13

No mention of Pettigrew in the Daily Prophet, this morning. There is such abundance of fresh mayhem to report every day that a tragedy almost eighteen years old is definitely not front-page news. In fact it was on third page, on Wednesday. Karen kept the paper and gave it to me at breakfast.

Ginny came to our table, to ask me if I was feeling better (officially I was sick, last week) and whispered they wanted to meet me in the Room of Requirement after lunch. I replied we would meet in Dumbledore's office, instead. I had a long story to tell, I wanted to do it only once. That's why I came accompanied by Draco and Karen. McGonagall and Severus were already there, together with Luna and my former Gryffindor's friends. I suggested we all find a comfortable spot, since it was going to take some time. Harry could not have been more on edge; he looked at me definitely livid, but said nothing.

I explained all, in order. How I found out Bellatrix was my mother, became a Death Eater, decided to keep it all to myself. Draco and Karen obviously knew; the others were shocked to various degrees. Then I told them of my second wedding reception, and the honeymoon I spent with Nagini/Voldemort. McGonagall didn't open her mouth, not even when Harry started shouting dirty words at me, at her, at Luna. Dumbledore told him to be quiet or he would make him. Meanwhile Karen was busy keeping Draco from starting a fight with Harry. I declared I would silence anyone who interrupted me again in a very unpleasant way and kept talking. I told them of my little ones, how sweet they are, how the Dark Lord was so happy He granted me the life of one of his most loyal servants, just because I asked it. I did because I owed at least that, to Sirius. To myself as well, to be able to bury him with honour and lay to rest my past with him. This was my last present to my friends, so they would remember at least an act of justice.

When I finished talking for a while no one spoke, nobody moved. Then McGonagall got up, came to me and hugged me. She turned around and left without a word. My brother and Karen got up. I left with them.

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Sunday, February 19

The females are already over two feet long. They must have taken from Daddy. They are also much darker then the males. I must not write I'm happy! Not in here.

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Thursday, March 2

Luna is indeed an Animagus. We all found out this morning, during Transfiguration. We were transforming frogs into humming birds. We were also supposed to keep them inside the classroom and not let them fly away, of course. One of the windows was open because Neville had blown a good chunk of the wooden wall, as he usually does, so we were getting fresh air in. Luna's bird headed straight for freedom and she tried to catch him. She missed and fell out. Like everyone else I run to the closest window and got there just in time to see her robe gracefully land on the ground - empty. She flew around a couple of times, and then touched down by her robe. She transformed back, dressed, looked at us and shouted: 'I'll be right up.'

I could have figured it out from her bulgy eyes; from the way she was riding her Thestral when we flew to London, to the Ministry of Magic, two years ago. Harry knew. He was the only one who did not run to a window, screaming. Her flight is so elegant. I envy her wings, just a little.

McGonagall is going to be in trouble: two of her students are Animagi, and she did not report either one of us. This time she will have to come up with a good lie of her own.

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Severus just told me he knew about Luna; she even took him for a ride. Apparently Minerva reported her, but under the 'Secrecy Provision'. It is a special condition accorded to whoever declares his/her intention of becoming an Auror. She of course blew it flying out a window after a humming bird! Evidently they don't have enough with Tonks, over there.

Why would he be going for a ride with her? As if Potter didn't hate him enough already ... Severus is really looking for troubles, this time. I'm sure Harry is going to be jealous, especially if he mounts - I mean rides - her as well.

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Sunday, March 5

Just because I spend my weekends in Nicaragua with Nagini doesn't mean he should spend them flying around in the Forbidden Forest, does it? Doesn't a teacher have lessons to prepare, potions to verify, or something?

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Thursday, March 16

God, this is the mother of all headaches!

And neither Severus nor McGonagall let me call in sick. I am sick! I must have thrown up Sunday's breakf-

Now, I shouldn't think about it.

Yesterday was Draco's birthday. On top of that, last Sunday Slytherin defeated Gryffindor, so we had a double celebration. Father had given him a new broom: it must be the fastest, more manoeuvrable and most expensive there is. He received it last week, actually, in time to familiarize himself with it and then use it to beat the hell out of Potter, on Sunday's match. He did exactly that.

Draco insisted I should have his old broom. I told him I didn't want it. I hate flying. But then, yesterday evening, after drinking a couple of goblets of Karen's latest concoction, I suddenly felt like trying it. We flew together out of my room. It was fun, I think. I don't remember too much. At one point I know I landed somewhere, to throw up more comfortably. It is not very easy while flying.

Severus gave us both two weeks detention, and Karen as well: it seems only teachers are allowed to utilize unicorn blood in their potions. I thought the taste reminded me of something ...

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Wednesday, March 17

This morning, at breakfast, my dear husband listed the detention assignments as follows.

Karen, the future Healer, will report every morning at five o'clock to the kitchen and help the house-elves kill the poultry needed for the day's meals.

Draco will crawl in the sewage, from eight to ten every evening, to remove the accumulated debris.

I, being his wife, will receive a very peculiar punishment no one needs to know. There were murmurs, at that point, but the look in his face was enough to convince everyone he was not letting me out easy. In fact he prohibited me to leave the castle, for two weeks. He did not hit me with the House-arrest Spell because he said knowing I could go, but I must not, is going to be much worse. Oh, and he promised me we will have no sex whatsoever for the entire time. This is going to be his punishment as well, he said, for having been such an irresponsible house Head.

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Monday, March 27

When the owls came, this morning, I received a small package, from home. Herty had sent it: inside there was Severus' ring. I had mine on my finger. I looked at him, and he was wearing his. So I run to the professor's table and showed it to him. He stared at it in horror, then said we should go home, right away. I pulled out my Portkey and we left. I went looking for Herty, but nobody had seen her. The butler house-elf came and informed me my father was waiting for us in his study. We run up there.

'I thought students could not leave Hogwarts during the week,' he commented with nonchalance as we entered. Herty, or better what was left of her, was spread on the big carpet in front of his desk. He followed my gaze and kept talking.

'Yes, house-elves are not famous for their intelligence. Take Herty, for example: when I ordered her to serve you, Hermione, she could have understood that, of course, her primary duty still resided with me. But she did not. She thought she should return the ring to you, when she saw it here, in my study, where she should not have come in the first place. Disappointing, wouldn't you agree?'

We were both paralysed. Obviously he had used the ring to spy on us. Since last summer. It was my fault. After he returned the ring to me I did not think he could have made a copy, I did not think of checking it or even telling Severus I had lost it in my father's bedroom. He was savouring my anguish, amused and ice-cold, his old self again. We were two to one, I thought. It was too late anyway, I realized. He went on talking.

'You should not do it, Hermione. The echo is much stronger if there is already a physical connection. You two have since last summer a pretty strong connection, I know that much ... As a father I should complain that you did not wait to be married, but then - who am I to give that kind of a lecture?'

'What are you talking about?' I had the strength to whisper. He continued.

'I'm talking about sex. Oh, and also about the Avada Kedavra Curse. You are thinking of killing him, to give him the easy way out. It would be really horrible for you, not to mention totally unnecessary. In fact he is much more useful alive, for now,' he concluded.

My mouth was parched dry, I could not talk anymore. Severus spoke.

'Explain - please,' he added with a hiss. My father had enough fun; he was back to the business-like mode, cold but detached. He sat at his desk and started explaining.

'I have known that you are a member of the Phoenix's Order for almost two years. I was in fact quite annoyed that, as soon as I had by chance acquired such an efficient mean of participating to the Meetings, you were expelled because of my daughter. Pity.' He paused. Since Severus was not asking, begging, I don't know what would have pleased my father but he was not doing it, he continued.

'I have not informed Voldemort about it. I was not particularly pleased by His return, which has spoiled my plans more than you will ever know. I was not going to give him one more advantage. I still think his strategy, not to mention his methods, are barbaric and inefficient at best. And now, even if you are not my eye of the Phoenix anymore, you are still a precious asset, Severus, my beloved son-in-law: you are the insurance of my daughter's loyalty. In fact, I had been thinking of letting you know I had the ring for quite some time, since I could use it basically only to take part in your steaming night's activities which, entertaining as they are, do not bring me any tangible advantage.'

I was so relieved. It made me overlook everything else he had said. I still blushed like I thought I would never again, when he turned to me.

'It is of course a trade-off. I will continue keeping this piece of information from Him, and neither of you will run to Dumbledore to tell him any of this. It will be our little family secret.' He was smiling again. I had given up figuring his moods; all I cared was that Severus' secret was safe, for the moment. I was exhausted by the tension, the fear, the guilt. Severus was a lot more in control.

He commented: 'If it is all settled, then, we should return to Hogwarts. I have a class to teach. We are late already.' Father nodded, and we Disapparated.

It was a good lesson he taught, this morning. We would miss our Potions Master. Luckily my father stopped me in time.

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Friday, March 31

I removed the Nonlegendum Spell from both my diaries. I will give them to Severus, tomorrow. I'm so tired of secrets. I'm so tired.

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Karen says to write.

she came here to tell me that

I'm writing, see? This is your name: KAREN

It is not going to help

Not this time. They are dead, nothing is going to help them.

From the beginning.

In the beginning I should not have been born. None of this would have happened.

Yes, we were in the greenhouse. I fell on the floor because suddenly I felt like I was stabbed in the back. I was not. It was from Nagini, who had managed to get past the barrier, so I could hear his agony. I told Luna to take me out, because I needed to Disapparate right away. As soon as we were in the air though, my Dark Mark became active, so I used it. Mother was there. She said she knew where Montcauvé's laboratory was; she would go and call me from there. She left. Father started explaining how to use her Mark as a reference to Apparate, but I could not make sense of what he was saying. I kept looking at Nagini, he was begging me. Voldemort put him out of his misery then told us He would go, then call the usual way. But He did not call immediately. When Father and I got there they had already killed the three assistants and all the servants. She had left him for me - Healer Francisco de Montcauvé - fastened to one of his beds.

One female and one male were paralysed but alive. All the others were - there were pieces of them, on the tables in the laboratory -

Thirty-seven curses to choose from, and I tore him to shreds, with my fangs, like Nagini would have done. He probably had taken an antidote against accidental biting from my children, my poison did not kill him. He bled to death, slowly, screaming, twitching his body on the table, sprinkling his blood all over. Mother had done something to his tongue, he could not speak but he could howl and moan, like an animal, like one of the low life forms he despised so. I watched him till his last spasm, till there was nothing more to see but a stinking mound of flesh.

Then Father told me we should go home, take the two survivors to a Healer. Mother took them. We used his key and went home. I wanted to cry, so I transformed back. Snakes cannot cry, did you know that, Karen? He sat on the steps, held me in his lap, let me cry for my children, for Nagini, the shining Lord of the Jungle who will never again squeeze me in his coils. When Severus came to take me back to Hogwarts, Father told him he would get me pregnant, if my husband is not able to.

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Sunday, April 16

Just when I thought nothing could shake me anymore!

I was home - we were all there. Kayala and Tulin are fine, the bastard intended to keep them for hell knows what else, he had not harmed them. We were discussing who should take care of them and where would they live when Marla Apparated. She offered to bring them with her to Beauxbatons, where the weather is so much warmer than here, because she was the one better qualified to raise them. She showed us why. Dad dropped on a chair, which happened to be behind him, very heavily. It must have been the first time in his life he was shocked beyond words. I wish I had not been so stunt myself, I would have enjoyed the sight more. No one knew, not even her sisters. Her eyes are red, so dark: abysses of strength and power. Mother began laughing while insulting her in Parsel with words I never heard before and probably should not try to learn. Narcissa's eyes were so full of hatred we are all lucky I am the only one in the family who can turn into a Basilisk. Karen was scared out of her mind, run into Draco's arms and hid there, trembling. My brother was frozen and speechless as well. The only one who could say something was Severus, who uttered: 'Unbelievable!'

'Do you trust me, Hermione?' she asked. Of course I do. She is the greatest liar in the whole universe.

She is the only one who can understand me, better than I understand myself. A sudden feeling of peace filled my soul, while I was looking at her majestic body. I finally found what was missing in my family. I'm the closest to being happy I could possibly be.

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Monday, April 17

I'm sorry about the scorching, dear Diary. Cousin Pente was so sweet; he sent me a message of condolence. I have since the beginning this habit of sticking in here the owls I receive ... they normally do not self-combust, though. Sorry about it.

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Sunday, April 23

I asked Mother about the ritual, to make sure we would not by mistake end up doing something similar to it. I so hope it is a boy!

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It doesn't matter which day it is, time has no meaning anymore.

Before it did.

It is one day of the eternity I have damned myself to.

He called them only after three days, when I was finally dead.

He said Lucius knew I was a traitor and did not inform Him because he was pursuing his own agenda, like He had suspected since the very first day of His return. He said He was going to make him pay for it much more than He made me pay for my betrayal.

Hermione told Him it had not been his fault. She said she cursed him after he found out, to protect me. He could not have told Him. Even with His twisted sense of morality He should not make her father pay for something that was not his fault. She should be punished, instead.

He told her He would discipline her, pointed his wand to Lucius and started spelling the Curse.

She jumped in between and was hit in his place.

He clutch her body, I thought he was shielding himself. He was not. He was hugging her corpse and crying. In silence. He was crying for me as well, I do not have eyes anymore, I do not have a heart that can be broken again.

Voldemort did not kill him because it would have been an act of mercy.

Goyle brought him home. He carried her to his bedroom.

He has been there since. He doesn't speak, doesn't eat or drink.

He laid her on his bed and tried to push her corpse inside her wedding dress. I didn't know a born Animagus changed that way, after death. It is horrible. Draco and Karen came in, one day, but he could not handle it. The stench must be unbearable.

Narcissa says she will wait for him to starve to death; it will save a lot of paperwork.

His son hopes he will come to his senses, in the end. After all, he has lived a life of egotistical plotting, methodically running down whatever thing or being crossing his path. Why should this be anything more than his latest dream falling apart? It must not be the first time it happens.

Maybe it is.

He sits there and looks at her. I don't know what he sees, really.

I hope Draco is right. Lucius does not deserve this, it is too much even for a lifetime of crimes.

Dumbledore has told me only Potter has the power to destroy Voldemort. I will help him then, the blundering idiot. I would help a house-elves rebellion if that did any good. I want to see Him obliterated, I want Potter to kill him so I can haunt Him for the rest of eternity.

This was her diary.

She wrote about fears and love, hopes and despair.

She was the light of my life, my sweet little snake. She was so beautiful.