The Potter Hour

Chapter 3: You're on Television, Dummy

Harry found himself in bed that night wide awake. Ginny was beside him, clutching his abdomen so hard that he found it most difficult to breathe. Perhaps this was why he couldn't sleep. Well, that, and all the thoughts swimming in his head...

"Harry." A voice called within the room.

"Huh? Wha...? Where are you?" Harry looked around, as frantically as he could without waking the wench up.

"Harry."

"Yes? Who are you...?"

A short, hairy little man leapt onto the bed.

"The fuck...?"

"I am Frodo Baggins, Patron Saint of orphaned fantasy protagonists who frequently get the shite beaten out of them because they are being pursued by a Dark Lord."

"Er..."

"I have come here to give you a mission: You are to inform the people of our plight. You are to make them understand, what is immortalized in the books written about us is not glamorous at all. You are to tell them all our lives are complete and total crap and that, if we had the chance, we'd fling ourselves over a suspension bridge and into the icy waters below just to rid ourselves of this burden we call life."

"But why me? Why do I have to do it?"

"Because you're on television, dummy."

"Oh."

~

At the same hour were Ron and Hermione in bed... talking.

"What he did today was totally stupid!"

"That's what you think, Ron." Hermione picked up her wand and flicked it at the television set in the wall. It flickered on to the news. A stiff looking wizard was staring blankly at the screen.

"Today the famous wizard Harry Potter, best known for his defeat of Lord Voldemort, announced that he will be committing suicide live on air on the last episode of his show, 'The Potter Hour'..."

Hermione waved her wand again, changing to another station airing the news. She did this again, each time turning to a station airing the news, all talking about Harry Potter's suicide threat. She turned to Ron with a smug expression on her face.

"See? Look at the publicity our sorry excuse for a station's getting. People don't give a crap about Harry anymore, sure, but they'll have at least one little Knut of concern for him to tune into his suicide! Exploitation, Ronniekins, isn't that what you wanted?"

"Well I wasn't expecting to exploit my friend blowing himself up on live television, that's for sure. And... I'm not sure that people are ready to see that kind of violence on TV..."

"Oh, bull, Ron! It's been five years since Harry defeated Voldemort. Besides, that television show 'Wand Warriors,' which has got to be the bloodiest show on the air, debuted that fall and it had phenomenal ratings! We're the only station that has no violence to speak of on any of our programs! We just have a bunch of talking heads discussing how to wear robes properly with a kid who doesn't give a shite."

"But Hermione..."

"Why are you being such a pussy, Ron? Where's your guts? Where's the Ron Weasley who said 'Let's exploit the little buggers to hell'? This is perfect, this is how we get ratings. People like violence, people like seeing other people suffer. We milk Harry's pain for all it's worth for the two weeks he's still alive. Then at the end, BAM, he's dead. People will love it. I'm sure we can come up with other tortured souls to put on the air in two weeks. It's not like wizards are the happiest people on earth, you know, especially when they can't interact with Muggles..."

Ron wanted desperately to say something to that, but before he could disagree Hermione had pressed herself against Ron and gave him a small peck on the lips...

To be continued...