The Greatest Love, The Highest Sacrifice

Chapter 17 - Absurd Logic

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Goethe

"Damn it!"

Sirius Black's frustration unleashed itself on one of the windows in Remus Lupin's office. As his fist plunged through the pane, and shattered glass fell on his hand and sleeve, Sirius continued to swear passionately.

After all, swearing and breaking glass was all he could do.

"Careful!" Remus exclaimed, wincing as shards of glass splintered to the floor. He took a concerned step towards his best friend, worried that he might have cut his hand, but one glance at Sirius' fist reassured him that no damage had been done. Except to my office, he thought with an inward sigh, but he pushed that thought away. Windows could be repaired at any time; Sirius, however, was a different story.

Sirius snarled, pulling away from his best friend and starting to pace around the room. "Why did she do it, Remus? Why the hell would she use Oberon's Deceit?"

His best friend shrugged, his face a mirror of uncertainty.

"I don't know, Sirius. I don't even know if she understood what she was using. But I don't think she used it deliberately, although Snape certainly thought she did."

"And he blamed her!" Sirius seethed, maddened with fury and jealousy. "That bastard actually thought he could blame her for what had happened between them. When I think of what you said he was doing to her -"

He broke off, a sickened expression on his face.

"Sirius," Remus exclaimed, concern twisting inside of him. "Calm down!"

"How can you tell me to calm down," Sirius hissed, his eyes glittering dangerously as he swung around to face his friend. "You know how I feel about Norri, and you're telling me to calm down -"

"That's exactly why I'm telling you to calm down," Remus snapped back, more forcefully than he would have liked. "You've got to get a grip on yourself. I didn't tell you about this for a week because I was afraid you might react this way."

"As if I would react any other way," Sirius muttered, his black look deepening.

"You'll have to," Remus said. "Norri needs your friendship now, and you've always put your friendship with her before everything else. Including your own feelings for her." He sighed, a hollow sound. "If you can't do that now, this conversation is over."

Sirius glowered at his friend. Then, after a long moment, his features relaxed and nodded.

Then he sat down on the old couch and sunk his head in his hands.

"It's just so hard," he whispered, almost to himself.

"I know, Padfoot. I know," Remus said, and he sat next to his old friend, staring worriedly at the flames burning in his hearth.

***

"You wanted to talk to me, Miss Norr?" Professor Snape asked cautiously as he sat behind his desk, observing his student as she packed up her things at the end of her detention. Then, silently, he berated himself. What need did he have to be cautious with a student?

All too great a need, he realised bleakly.

"Yes," Norri replied, shuffling uncomfortably.

"Well?" he asked sharply when she failed to continue.

"I've decided to discontinue my study of Potions," she said abruptly.

"What?" Snape asked, stunned.

He hadn't known what to expect when his best student had stayed after to class to speak with him, but it certainly wasn't this.

"Why on earth would you make such a decision? If nothing else, you'll need the subject for your OWLs. And you certainly don't lack talent," he added inanely, his normally controlled emotions a bizarre mixture of disappointment and relief, unable to come to terms with what she was suggesting.

"That certainly isn't what you've been saying over the past few weeks," Norri commented bitterly.

"Yes, well," Snape began, then broke off. How was he meant to explain that his brusqueness had been designed to cure his student of her discomforting interest in him?

"And I don't actually need to take Potions for my NEWTS," Norri continued, desperate to get this over with. "I've spoken to the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall, and they both agree that this is the best decision for me to make considering the circumstances."

"And what exactly are the circumstances, Miss Norr?" Snape asked glacially.

"Norri!" she burst out, her eyes darting away as she realised this ridiculous explanation could mean nothing to him.

After all, Snape had no idea that she was the woman he had danced with, and kissed - and hurt - less than a week ago.

Did he?

"Norri, then," he conceded, obviously thinking she was uncomfortable with his formal address. "Why do you want to stop attending my class?"

The gentleness of his tone, in such contrast to his earlier abruptness, made Norri even more miserable. She fixed her gaze on the floor as she tried to explain without giving too much away.

"It's - well - it's because of what happened. Before."

She halted, expecting Snape to ask what she meant, trying to formulate in her mind how she could use his changed attitude as an excuse, rather than tell him the truth, which was that she was so humiliated she couldn't bear to be in the same room with him anymore.

But Snape didn't question her.

Instead, his face shuttered and his mouth thinned into a narrow, bitter line.

"Ah," he murmured, and stood up. "So, people have been talking. How very typical."

"They have?" Norri asked, aghast that the debacle of the Yule Ball might be public knowledge.

But her questioning tone was lost of Snape, who was caught up in bitter reflections of his own; memories that had nothing to do with the Yule Ball or Elinor Evans. Snape was seeing Aeryn Blake. Hearing Aeryn Blake. Remembering Aeryn Blake. And the possibility that Elsie Norri could be talking about something entirely different never occurred to him.

"Of course people talk. Gossip is an incurable - and central - part of people's lives. And in a school as remotely situated as Hogwarts -" he broke off and shrugged eloquently. "Naturally, I understand your decision, Miss Norr. There is little point in asking who you learned the, ah, damning evidence from." His mouth twisted cynically. "If you would care to collect your things this evening, you may go. I'm sure you've homework and - other things - to attend to just now."

"Actually, I don't," Norri replied, bewildered as to how this could all have gone so easily. "If you don't mind, I thought I could -"

"Get this over with?" Snape asked, almost spitting the words from his mouth. "Of course. You will forgive me for not staying to supervise you. But considering the, ah, circumstances, that's probably what you'd prefer anyway."

And with that enigmatic comment, Snape turned and swept out of the Potions dungeon, leaving a very confused but thoroughly relieved Norri behind him.

***

Late that night, Sirius tossed and turned on Remus' couch, unable to sleep.

He had come directly to Hogwarts when Remus had owled him, saying something had happened to Norri at the Yule Ball.

Despite his frustration with her after their disastrous conversation two days before Christmas, Sirius had not been able to stay angry with Norri for long. And when he had heard the night before that something had gone wrong, that she was desperately unhappy, he had come rushing back to be by her side.

He knew that his kiss had come as a shock to her - hell, he was still reeling from it himself. And he had concluded from comments Remus had made throughout the last few years that Norri had never been comfortable with romance in general. Even with Charlie, who had been her fiancé.

That was something that Sirius preferred to forget. Though at least Charlie had not been a Slytherin. Or a man Sirius had never gotten on with.

And Snape was both of those things.

When Remus had explained to him what he had seen, and heard, Sirius had been beside himself with worry, anger...and jealousy.

Regardless of how awfully Norri's romantic interlude with Snape had ended, it didn't mean that nothing had happened between them. The very fact that she was in despair over what had taken place proved to Sirius, all too clearly, that she really cared for Severus Snape.

Discovering that Norri was not interested in talking to anyone at Hogwarts - not even Dumbledore himself, and certainly not himself, Remus or Draco - had done very little to help.

Now, haunted by fears that might lose her even more irrevocably than he already had, Sirius felt his mind fall back on how everything had started.

He had been at Azkaban for almost six years by that stage, and he had felt the weight of each of those years bearing down on him, joined by the burden of guilt he felt of James and Lily's deaths, and his bitterness at how easily his friends had believed that he had been responsible for Voldemort's actions on the night of that awful Halloween. Increasingly, those factors had entwined together, threatening to overcome his sanity with their combined power.

His will to live - to survive in order to one day confront Wormtail with his actions and execute his own personal justice - had begun to falter years before, and he was nearing a state of despair from which he feared would never emerge.

And then one winter's day a Dementor had opened his cell door. Sirius had been so apathetic towards his own fate that he had not even bothered to look up, not until he heard a gentle voice inquiring uncertainly if he was Sirius Black. Finally, he raised his head, and stared uncomprehendingly at the slim figure before him.

And then she had begun to talk. About Hogwarts, her friends and teachers there, her pet owl - a present from her grandfather...all the ordinary aspects of life which Sirius had gone without for so long. She had prattled on for what seemed like hours, not waiting for his comments, but apparently quite happy to just talk to him. To confide in him, share the blessed normality of her everyday existence.

It had only been towards the very end of that first visit that Norri had asked him for the truth. With no hesitation or scepticism in her approach, she had requested he tell her the truth...

"Sirius, did you do it? Did you betray Lily and James to Voldemort?"

He had looked at her wildly, never reminding her more of his animal form than in that moment. When he had spoken, his voice had sounded raw and anguished to his own ears.

"No. I did not."

There had been a moment of silence. Sirius had teetered on the brink of a hope so foreign he could hardly believe it existed - the possibility that, unlike the rest of the world, Norri might actually...

"I believe you," she had whispered.

And that belief had not faltered, no matter what the opposition. Despite the disapproval of her grandfather and Remus - the only two people who knew that she had seen him - Norri had persevered in her visits to Sirius over the following seven years. She had brought with her an unshakeable faith in his innocence, and a genuine affection that he found it all too easy to return.

And, for Sirius, it was not long before that affection turned into love.

There was no blinding flash of light, no sudden certainty.

It had just happened. And, by the time he realised, there was little he could do to change his own heart.

Norri had finished school, and had almost completed her training as an Auror. She kept him updated on her studies, filling her visits with amusing tales of the people she worked with and the things she was learning. She never tried to make things appear brighter than they were, but at the same time, she always managed to portray her life in such a way that Sirius could share in it somehow.

And, that particular day, as she was laughingly telling him one of the pranks Bastian had played in a Muggle Diversity course, Sirius had looked at her. And in that moment - as she grinned in the mischievous, yet innocent, way he had come to know so well - he had known.

For the first, and probably last time in his life, he, Sirius Black, was in love.

Despite his current discomfort; with the way his relationship stood with Norri, with her feelings for Snape - and not least with how damned uncomfortable Remus' couch was - Sirius couldn't help laughing at himself as he broke from his reverie. It was six years since he had admitted to himself that he was in love with Norri.

And he still didn't have a bloody clue what to do about it.

***

"Elinor, my dear, we are going to need to talk sooner or later. You do realise that, don't you?"

Norri stared fixedly at the chess set in front of her, apparently contemplating her next move.

"Norri," Dumbledore urged gently. "Talk to me, dear. It would make things so much easier."

Abruptly, Norri's arm swept out across the chessboard, scattering the pieces from the table onto the floor.

She sat opposite Dumbledore, refusing to look at him, staring instead at the lone queen that remained on the board, a fallen monarch toppled in the middle of her triumphant move.

"I don't want to discuss it," she stated coldly, not allowing herself to succumb to the temptation to bear her soul as she had done with her grandfather since she was a small child. "It's over and done with. It's not going to happen again. And that's an end to it."

Dumbledore sighed, and stretched his hand over the fallen queen to grasp his granddaughter's hand, lying rigidly next to the chessboard.

"Don't you understand, Elinor?" he asked quietly. "It will never be ended until you have closure. You need that. And you won't have closure until you've discussed it - no matter how much you want to avoid the situation."

For a moment, Norri tensed against his hold on her, and it seemed as though she was going to wrench herself free. Then her tenseness slackened, and her arm went limp to his touch. She raised her eyes so that they met Dumbledore's - for the first time since she had entered his study that night. They were shadowed with tension and fatigue, hollowed out with some dark emotion that, try as he might, Dumbledore could not identify.

"I've done everything I can to manage for now, Grandfather," she told him, her even words belied by the tremble in her tone and the uneven set of her jaw. "I'll talk about it when I think I need to."

The unspoken words, Not when you think it's good for me, hung between them in the uncomfortable pause that filled the room.

It was the first time in her life that Elinor had rejected outright her grandfather's help and advice. The first time their relationship of trust and affection had not withstood the daily challenges each of them faced. They both knew it, though neither spoke of the fact that the underlying tension grew mostly from this, the first obvious break in their so-complicated lives. Dumbledore looked deeply at. But she avoided his gaze assiduously, her sight resting on the fallen queen in the middle of the chessboard. And so she failed to see the saddened resignation in his expression.

"Very well, dear," he said finally, when it was clear that Norri was going to say nothing more. "Just remember that, if you decide you do need me, I'm always here."

Norri smiled - a sad smile, but a genuine one for all that.

"I know, Grandfather," she whispered, releasing her hand from his hold and cradling it against her as if trying to heal herself from some unseen wound. "I know."

***

"So, are you going to tell us why you've suddenly decided to quit Potions, or are you just leave us in suspense for the rest of the year?" Ron asked with his usual candour in the Gryffindor common room several nights later.

Contrary to unspoken Hogwarts tradition, Draco was once again part of the group. This was strange enough within the Great Hall, or the corridors of the school, let alone within the confines of another House. But the Slytherin Head Boy had an uncanny knack for being incredibly inconspicuous, and he made full use of his ability whenever he joined his Gryffindor friends in their common room.

"Why should I tell you?" Norri asked half-seriously.

"Well, it would be nice to have some kind of explanation as to why you're absent. Not to mention that it would help us understand why Snape's been prowling around the three of us -" here, Hermione broke off and gestured at herself, Ron and Harry - "as if we'd just taught Voldemort how to Apparate into Hogwarts."

"That, I genuinely don't understand," Norri said, a perplexed expression on her face. "When I told Snape I wanted to discontinue Potions, I said it was because of what had happened before. As in...."

"The Yule Ball," Ginny supplied shrewdly, aware that Norri had been shaken when she had told her about the mystery girl who had convinced Snape to dance.

"Yes," Norri admitted glumly. "But he talked about it like there was something - I don't know - sordid, I guess."

As she finished speaking, she noticed, suddenly, that the cheerful faces of her friends had gone inexplicably blank.

"He wasn't talking about the Yule Ball," Hermione said unexpectedly.

"No?" Norri asked, confused. "Then what was he talking about?"

Hermione dropped her eyes and became very engrossed in winding a curl of bushy brown hair around one finger.

"He was talking about Aeryn Blake," Harry said quietly.

"Who?" Norri asked, totally in the dark.

But everyone else knew exactly to whom Harry was referring. Even Ginny and Draco, who had only heard the rumours flying around the school shortly after Aeryn had left, realised what was going on, and shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

"Well?" Norri asked impatiently, when no one answered her.

Yet although none of the others present - with the exception of Draco - had any liking for Professor Snape, they had no desire to further disillusion Norri.

"It's not our story to tell," Harry said finally. "But there was some - well - there was a rumour around years ago. Before you were here. And I don't think Snape has ever gotten over it."

"As he bloody shouldn't!" Ron muttered.

"And that's all you're going to say?" Norri asked curiously, glancing from Ron to Harry, who was looking very somber.

"That's all we can say," Hermione defended before anyone else could speak. "It's not our place to go spreading gossip - though that's obviously what Snape thinks the three of us did," she concluded.

"Well, I'm sorry you're being blamed," Norri apologised. "If I could explained it, I would, but..."

"Somehow I don't think it's the sort of thing you can explain. Especially to Snape," Draco said wryly.

"No, you're right," Ginny agreed. She looked at Harry, Hermione and her brother. "I guess you guys will just have to put up with it."

The three looked at each other for a long moment, and then shrugged.

"No worries," Harry said ruefully, a wry smile twitching his lips. "It's not like his attitude towards us has changed or anything."

***

"Remus? Are you in?"

Norri peered around the door of Remus' chambers, trying to see in the dim firelight if her friend had indeed fallen asleep on the divan.

Yes, there was definitely someone there.

Stepping into the room and carefully closing the door behind her, Norri turned and moved towards the divan. She was a little confused that Remus had fallen asleep there - he hated sleeping anywhere other than in his own bed, especially so soon after the full moon - and was uncertain whether or not to wake him. After all, it was almost half past three in the morning. And he had to teach the next day.

But if he was awake...

Creeping a little closer, Norri craned her head to try and determine if Remus was asleep.

Suddenly she drew in her breath and took a step back.

It wasn't Remus.

Rather, it was the last person Norri had expected - or wanted - to see.

What in heaven's name is Sirius Black doing, sleeping on Remus couch? Norri wondered as she began edging carefully towards the door. She was tempted to cast an Invisibility Charm on herself, just in case he woke up. But then she scolded herself for being a coward, and so poor a friend.

Sirius stirred, murmured something too indistinct for Norri to understand.

She froze, held her breath and then let it out again very slowly. It wouldn't do for him to wake and see her like this, poised for flight like some untamed creature caught in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck. Or a motorbike, she thought wryly, remembering the one Sirius had used to ride.

But the moment of danger passed, and Sirius turned to face the back of the couch, completely oblivious to her presence. Continuing to step with great care, Norri successfully reached the door, opened it and moved into the corridor, making sure to close it gently behind her.

Standing just outside Remus' room, in the mouldy corridor, Norri wondered how anyone could consider her to be sane. Creeping around Hogwarts at this ungodly hour, wanting to confide in a friend and then fleeing when she actually encountered one...

What was it about Sirius that made her feel so...ill at ease? She hadn't ever had this problem with the occasional friend who had been attracted to her - hadn't acted this way with the few friends she had been attracted to either. And it certainly wasn't that she didn't like him, didn't find him easy to get on with and talk to.

"It's like I can be comfortable with him - but not," Norri said out loud to herself, trying to make sense of it all. "Like I can share anything with him - but also like he's just waiting to catch me out. Totally free to be myself - but also really, really trapped."

She paused, realising how ridiculous she would sound to anyone who was passing by - a twenty-seven year old in the middle of a conversation with herself, sounding like a teenager because she had a boy who liked her.

"Well, who said relationships were meant to make sense anyway?" she grumbled in exasperation and, on that note, resolved to take the only sensible action that was left to her: to go to bed and get some sleep!

Author's Notes:

** The chapter title Absurd Logic is from Julie de Lepinasse's statement, "The logic of the heart is absurd".