In the Staff Room

"Is she in here?" Minerva McGonagall stuck her head into the staff room before entering.

"No," said Flitwick, Trelawney, and Pomfrey together.

"Thank God," McGonagall helped herself to a cup of tea and sat down. Flitwick sighed. Trelawney's eyes darted nervously around. "Calm down, Sybil," McGonagall said. "She hasn't started critiquing how we eat lunch."

"Yet," Pomfrey added. "You know, I've never really wanted to see someone stuck in one of my hospital wing beds.... I'm getting awfully close, though."

"Tell me about it," McGonagall moaned, massaging the bridge of her nose.

Flitwick sighed again.

"If she clears her throat while I'm talking one more time...." McGonagall stopped before she properly finished the (probably violent) sentence and began to rub at her nose again.

"Dolores?" Madame Hooch asked congenially as she stepped in.

"No," the other four staff members said.

"Ah." Hooch wiped her forehead as she sank into a chair. "The happy bliss of it...."

She grinned and began to put a childishly large amount of sugar into her tea.

Snape swept in abruptly, slamming the door behind him. "She had better not be in here," he seethed.

"She isn't," the other five assured him.

"Well, all the other DADA teachers only lasted a year," Flitwick said hopefully.

"I wish Remus Lupin were still teaching," McGonagall said as she shot Snape a venomous look. He drained his cup of strong black coffee and produced another one.

"Don't we all?" Pomfrey stirred her pumpkin juice half-heartedly.

Snape drained his second cup.

"She must be the most annoying, nosy, blood-sucking," Hooch launched into a trail of insults in her naturally loud voice.

"Hem, hem," a voice interrupted.

McGonagall began grinding her teeth to a pulp. Dolores Umbridge entered.

"I'm sorry," she smiled, "but my ears were ringing."

"Why?" Snape asked quietly. "Did that description fit you?"

Umbridge made an effort to laugh politely. "Why, no. I do know some people like that, though. I daresay we all do, Severus."

Snape bared his teeth in a horribly fake smile.

"I daresay," he agreed through his teeth.

"I've been getting some results out for my inquisition," Umbridge was saying.

Trelawney rose from her seat.

"I have some papers to look over," she explained in a rather high voice as she floated swiftly out of the room. Umbridge stared after her, feigning confused shock.

"Please, keep talking; you can clear the place out," Snape said with Umbridge sweetness.

"Speaking of clearing places out," Umbridge said (as if she didn't know she had just been deliberately insulted), " I understand that my position, the one you so coincidentally applied for and failed to get every year, has been no more than a one-year position for my predecessors. As I said, surely coincidence, but it makes one wonder-"

"COFFIE, DOLORES?" Snape barked, shoving his cup at her.

Huffing like an irritated rooster, she stood.

"I'll be eating with civilized people, thank you," she said. Before leaving, she recovered her disgusting smile and waved. The door closed behind her. Snape drained his coffee once more.

"Thank you for the only favor you've ever done me, Severus," McGonagall said after Umbridge's footsteps were gone.

"Oh, trust me, I did that for myself." He smirked miserably.

Filch prowled in, stroking his cat obsessively.

Hooch let her head fall, with a crash, to the table.

"Good morning!" Filch looked excited about something.

"It's one-thirty, Argus," Snape growled.

"I know, and that much closer to my happiness," Filch cackled. Flitwick looked concerned for the caretaker's sanity. Grabbing an apple and a serrated knife, Filch sat down and began to saw at the fruit, eyes bulging and mouth twisting into a happy but murderous smile. Madame Pomfrey shifted uncomfortably, staring at him.

"Argus, are you... all right?" she asked, looking mildly horrified as he began to skewer the apple repeatedly. He responded by cackling loudly and skewering with greater fury.

"I'll be in my office with a scythe through my head if anyone needs me," Snape hissed, and swept out the same way he'd come, slamming the door behind him.

Pomfrey eyed the door like a prisoner whose cell has been slammed shut.

Filch began to suck the juice out of his apple like a vampire.

"Umm...." Pomfrey swallowed and began to edge towards the door (eyes on Filch). "I really should be on my way...."

He began to gnaw the skin off the apple, grunting delightedly.

Abruptly, Pomfrey dashed out.

Flitwick looked very disturbed.

"Who wants to go out for lunch?" McGonagall stood.

"You're brilliant, Minerva," Hooch confirmed. She stood enthusiastically to join McGonagall.

Eagerly, Flitwick joined them, and they made their escape.