"I Thought Movies Were Pretend..."

After three hours, everyone, in general, was becoming a bit restless. The hobbits were getting increasingly fidgety and rather annoying. Legolas was unwillingly getting his hair braided by the Hermiones (they must've shared a liking for the elf). Anakin and Padme were going at it a second time. This caused Snape to get angry, since he ran out of film with the first time. The real Ron was still passed out on the floor while the poster Harry and the poster Ron talked loudly and animatedly about what would happen if they crossed Snape, Malfoy, and a squirrel ("It would be bitchy, blonde, and bucktoothed! It's the perfect combination!" "But you could minus the squirrel and add in Hermione..." questioned Ron. This led to a significant number of extremely bad jokes involving hermaphrodites and Snape's porn fetish, and since I'm in a set of parentheses, I might as well leave that adventure for another day). The only two subdued ones were the real Harry and the poster Draco, who were sitting in their separate corners.

Not so surprisingly, Frodo was the one who snapped first. "Alright!" he said standing up. "I think we have a wee bit of a problem here!"

"Funny, lad, I don't remember you bein' Irish," said Merry with a heavy Irish accent.

"Stop it!" cried Frodo, clutching at the ring on his necklace, his eyes bulging. "What I'm trying to say is, we need to get back to our respective places! I need to get to Mordor to throw in this ring!"

"Sorry, hun, but that won't happen until the third movie," said Hermione #1, "and even then, you get your finger taken off!"

Obi-Wan stood up and got into Hermione's face, saying, "Listen, young lady, I think we've all heard enough of your know-it-all, future telling ways! I don't need it and he, for damn sure, doesn't need it! I mean, look at him! He's short and... and... look at his feet! I mean, look at them! They are so hairy... it's... it's just not natural!" He said all of this with gusto.

Frodo, in turn, got into Obi-Wan's face as best he could and said, "I think the magical light stick you usually hold is compensating for something! And besides, where I come from, the hairier you are, the better!" He then turned to Hermione, "but the man is right in one way. You've got to shut your mouth before I shove this infernal ring down it!" He suddenly whipped around and began talking to the ring again in a hushed tone, "No, my sweet! I didn't really mean it! It was an empty threat! I would never put you in such a dirty place..."

Both Hermione's looked appalled at this. They both tried to get words out, but nothing came. Instead, the fake Harry and Ron stood up for them, saying, "Well, she sure is a hell of a lot smarter than you two combined, that's for sure! She earns so many points for our house, it's--"

At these words, Snape turned around and said, "Points? I'd give Neville points if he could give me a second roll of film! They are almost done!"

At that instant, there was a sickeningly pleasured cry that came from both members of the couple in the corner. Unfortunately, for the real Ron, he was just waking up in time to hear them scream with pleasure. Sick images of Fred and George, put there unwillingly by his poster counterpart, floated into his mind. Thinking of this, he groaned and vomited onto the floor.

Although Ron was the only one to react to this in that way, everyone, save Snape, was disgusted. Even Legolas' stomach turned upon hearing it.

"Put on some clothing, you damn fools," said Draco suddenly from the corner.

Everyone now looked in Draco's direction. It was amazing, since Draco had this reputation of somehow being the sole character in the Potter fandom to bed every single other character in the series (yes, even the Giant Squid).

"I'm being serious," he said disgustedly. "I don't want to hear you two going at it anymore. I know it sounds weird, coming from someone as, well, aesthetically pleasing as me, but get a room! And since you can't, seeing as you are trapped here, please refrain from any type of sexual activity at this time!"

"You just sounded like a stewardess, Malfoy!" said Harry in awe, picturing the pretty long, blonde hair and short skirt that usually accompanied this profession. Draco is blonde... Harry slapped himself in the face and vowed never to think such a thought again.

"Eh-hem," said the Hermiones, correcting him, "it's 'flight attendant'."

"Eh-hem," said Snape, pointing to his camera, "I've got a web site to keep up, here!"

"Web site or not," continued Draco, "I really don't want to see it, and I daresay that Weasley doesn't want to either." He gestured to the sprawled figure of the real Ron, wallowing in his own vomit. "Besides, I think we could use two more minds better focused on helping up get out of here instead of.... that."

Padme stood up at this, clutching Anakin's robes around her. "You are right. We need to get out of here before I go insane!"

Anakin smiled at her and said, "Padme, dearest, you won't go insane with me and my lightsaber to protect you!"

Padme scoffed at him and said, "You can't control your feelings, and as for your lightsaber, I think that Frodo was right when he said that they compensate for something!"

Snape chimed in, saying, "I know a place in Hogsmeade where they sell this potion that will make it inches--"

Anakin, who was looking quite surly, said, "I don't need any of that! My lightsaber is NOT compensating for anything! I am very well equipped, thank you very much!" he said proudly, though he began to put his clothing back on quickly. Padme did the same.

As soon as they were fully clothed, Draco spoke up again. "Now that everyone is in their right minds, save Weasley (who was still on the floor unconscious), we need to figure out a way to get out of this room. Any ideas?"

Merry immediately raised his hand. "I've got a great idea!" Everyone curiously stared at him as he began rummaging through his bag. He pulled out a long, thin tube and a small, plastic bag, whose contents looked curiously like...

"Weed!" said the halfling proudly. "The Shire's finest, of course!"

.

This Baggie of Weed immediately spurred much controversy between the groups.

The other hobbit was the first to speak up. "You don't want to go wasting that, Merry. That's good weed right there, that is!"

The Hermiones looked appalled at this. "We can't smoke weed! That's... that's... illegal!"

The poster Ron turned to the poster Harry and said with a grin, "Remember when Dobby brought us those brownies...?"

"Oh yes," said the fake Harry, also grinning, "Special..."

Obi-Wan stood over by the two identical girls. "I will not participate in any illegal activity that goes on in this room, especially if it has to do with Weed. It affects those with high Midi-Chlorian counts in very bad ways."

Snape raised his eyebrows at the hobbit, proudly holding the Baggie. "Do any of you have a bong? I prefer my weed to be smoked through a bong. It is smoother that way..."

"That," said the posters Ron and Harry, still grinning, "explains everything."

Anakin and Padme both looked at the Baggie of Weed, squinting their eyes at it. "I don't know," said Padme. "How do we know it isn't laced with LSD or cocaine or something?"

"What are those things?" asked the hobbits.

"They couldn't have laced it with anything," said Anakin, "they don't even know what it is! Come on, Padme! Let's smoke some. Just a little, tiny bit?"

She looked at him and then to the Baggie and said, "Well... okay! But only a bit!"

"All in favor of smoking the weed, say 'aye'!" said Draco, getting excited. He hadn't had his fix in the longest time!

Almost everyone said 'aye' except for Obi-Wan and the Hermiones.

"It's settled then! Let us get thoroughly stoned!" said Draco, pulling up a seat next to Merry, who was already shoveling weed into the pipe.

A half an hour later...

Everyone conscious in the room was giggling wildly, except for the Hermiones and Obi-Wan, who were deeply immersed in conversation. Draco and Harry were talking and laughing together, tickling each other (they both shared an ultra-sensitive ticklish spot just behind the knee). The hobbits, which were undoubtedly the most affected by the weed, being the smallest of the group, were apparently learning to 'fly'. Snape and Padme were tangoing together, while the poster Ron tapped out the beat. Anakin lay passed out on the floor next to the real Ron. Since Anakin and Ron were inadvertently lying next to each other, the hobbits and poster Harry took the liberty of stripping them both down to their undergarments and placing their hands upon each other in very obscene ways. Even the Hermiones and Obi-Wan laughed upon seeing this, and all were happy.

Hermione #1 looked over at Harry and Draco, who were now lying down together, poking each other and laughing hysterically. She smiled and leaned into her movie counterpart, saying, "Take a look at this..."

Hermione #2 did, and also smiled. "It's good that Malfoy is getting this attention, even if he is stoned and probably won't remember it," she said.

Curiously, #1 asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Oh, off the set, Draco has been unusually quiet," she said. "He won't talk to anyone, anymore. He looks so lonely and often complains of when he has to be around Pansy. He claims that no girl could ever give him what he needs or something of the sort. The more observant people of the cast have been thinking that he could possibly be, well..."

"Gay?" asked #1. She laughed and said, "Draco? Gay? I'd never be able to see it. His father would beat him senseless, I'm guessing!"

"He could be, as they say, 'coming out of the closet," said #2, laughing a little. "But what about your Harry? I know that mine has been acting normal, save the effects of the incident with Wood and Chris..."

"Oh, poor Harry," said #1, smiling slightly. "He likes girls, I think. It's just that in my dimension, he just doesn't know how to act around them! This doesn't mean, however, that he doesn't not like guys in the same way."

"Are you saying..."

"I'll guess that he is bi, if anything," said #1. "All the same, it would be quite the twist to see the two of them hook up!"

"I don't know," said #2, looking over at the two boys, who were now lying next to each other, whispering in each other's ears. "He is one of the Slytherin sex gods, don't you know? And those Slytherins, especially the sex gods, they get around pretty quickly. I'm not sure that a relationship would actually last for long..."

"What do you mean one of the Slytherin sex gods?" asked #1. "Are there more? I mean, Draco is, well, to put it mildly, the one good-looking Slytherin in the bunch!"

"Technically, Draco overthrew Snape as the sex god of his house," she said.

"WHAT?!" she said in surprise. "Snape? Sex... god? Not a chance in hell!"

"I think if you look at him for awhile," began #2, "especially when he is at his desk, working and grumbling, you will find that he truly deserved the title he once had."

"As sick and morally wrong as that sounds, I figure I'll try that when we get back to school," said #1. "Snape and Malfoy, Slytherin sex gods... who would've thought..."

Meanwhile, on the floor...

"Did you know that I overthrew Snape as the Slytherin sex god?" said Draco, twisting a lock of Harry's jet-black hair.

"It's a well deserved title," said Harry groggily, with his eyes half shut. "How did you get it?"

"Oh, well, it's been prophesized that I will sleep with every single organism in the Harry Potter fandom before and after my life is over," he said slowly, smiling. "Do you think the prophecy will come true?"

"Well, I know that Ron won't come easily," began Harry, before he was cut off by Draco's burst of wild laughter. Confused, Harry asked, "Why're you laughing, Draco?"

"It's...it's..." he said through fits of giggles, "you said that Ron wouldn't... he wouldn't... and then you said c-c-come and it was just... wait a second. Did you just call me 'Draco'?"

"Why wouldn't I? That's your name, isn't it?" he said happily.

"It's just that you... you usually call me..." he began, "aw, what the hell! It's about time we were on a first-name basis! Harry!"

"Draco!" exclaimed Harry, throwing his arms in the air.

"Harry!" repeated Draco, also throwing his hands in the air.

"Dra--why are we doing this?" asked Harry. "We could be making better use of this time. We could be trying to get out of the room like you said..."

"Or we could make out furiously until Weasley and Granger come over here to give our asses a sound beating," said Draco with a grin. "I don't think I would mind it, personally. Of course, Ron doesn't come easily..."

"This is true," said Harry, looking drunkenly into the blonde boy's eyes.

"Wait, how do you know?" asked Draco with fear in his voice. "You haven't..."

"I'm just guessing," he said quickly, "don't you worry!"

Draco let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Well, that's good. I didn't want to cause you to cheat on anyone..."

"That's very sweet of you, Draco," said Harry, smiling. He then sighed, almost adoringly, "You are always thinking of others..."

"I know," said Draco, who was now staring directly into Harry's eyes. "You know, it's a hell of a shame..."

"What is?" asked Harry.

"They couldn't even get the damn eye color right," he said, before pulling Harry in for a kiss.

Their lips touched for just a moment. As soon as they pulled apart, Harry said, in awe, "Draco, that was, simply put, wonderful."

"What? That?" asked Draco with a slight laugh. "I'm sure that the famous Harry Potter has been kissed better than that!"

"You are way better than Cho was," he said in amazement.

"She must really be terrible at kissing, then," said Draco. "That was too simple to be anything good. It is definitely not my style to be so... gentle."

"Well, it should be," said Harry. "It was the greatest thing I have ever felt in my life! I wouldn't exactly mind it if you... you know..."

"Did it again?" he asked.

Harry nodded his head slightly. "If you would..."

"Do you seriously think that a Slytherin, especially the Slytherin sex god, would pass up an opportunity such as this?" he said, rumpling Harry's hair playfully.

With that, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter began their noble work.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~***~**~**~***~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Chaos ensued as Draco and Harry had their adventure on the floor. The hobbits had all ganged up on poor Obi-Wan, and after what was a vicious battle, the hobbits stole his crippled light saber (no... not that one). Incidentally, soon after the lightsaber theft, this spurred conversation and naughty gestures that eventually led to the hobbits and Snape engaging in a game called 'Mine's Longer'. It finally came down to Snape and Merry, the fattest hobbit.

"I'm telling you, mine is definitely longer than yours!" said Snape, who was bending over to get into the hobbit's face.

"I'll tell you what," growled Merry. "I'll bet the rest of the Weed that mine is longer and thicker!"

"Not a chance!" said Snape. "I guess we will just have to find out, then, won't we! Any bets, anyone? I'm putting my bag of Weed down!"

"Oh, I know from experience," said Legolas from the corner (he was now sporting very stylish dreadlocks) "Merry's is definitely the longest and widest!"

"I'm putting my weed on Snape," said Padme, who had apparently taken a liking to the greasy-haired pornographer. "It just would just be fitting that his was longer..."

Snape looked back over at Padme and winked, saying, "You know, I used to be the Slytherin sex god..."

"On with it, then!" said Merry, who proceeded in taking off his belt. Snape followed suit.

It was no contest.

Merry and Snape held their belts up next to each other. Merry, being considerably fatter than Snape, wore a belt that was much longer and thicker than Snape's.

"Ha! I win! Mine's longer! Mine's longer!" said Merry happily, holding up his pipe. "Give me more Weed! More Weed!"

Snape unwillingly gave up his portion of Weed. Merry took it and shoved it into his pipe, laughing maniacally.

At this point, the real Ron and Anakin (who were, thanks to the hobbits, essentially naked and holding each other in the worst of ways) began waking up. All was fine until Ron found that Anakin's hand was on his bum, and his other hand was dangerously close to the youngest male Weasley's prized family jewels. Ron jumped up, subsequently kicking Anakin in the forehead, screaming like a banshee. He yelled, "I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!" while grabbing his jeans and throwing them over his middle. He ran to a corner of the room and dressed himself.

Anakin looked at Ron, rubbed his forehead, and said, "There must've been a mistake! Everyone knows that there is only one person for me, and she is most definitely a woman! Isn't that right, Padme? Padme?" His eyes searched around the room until he found his 'true love' sitting on the lap of Snape, playing with his greasy hair. Poor Anakin let out a cry of anguish and rushed over to her, getting onto his knees.

"My dearest! What about our love? What about our future?" he wailed.

"Anakin," she began, still stoned halfway to Jupiter, "you don't understand. Severus is so... so much more cultured than you are."

"She wants a real man," said Snape with conviction. "Not a boy..."

"What do you mean, more cultured? I've been to every other planet in the galaxy and saved your very life, and you say that this slimy porno-man is more cultured?" said Anakin angrily.

"Don't call him slimy!" said Padme, shielding Snape's ears, as if she were trying to block out what Anakin was saying from him. "It's... it's satisfyingly slick!"

While the three of them argued back and forth, the real Ron was on the sidelines, looking at the situation. He shook his head miserably, knowing that Snape did not deserve any attention from any sort of female. Not being able to look any longer, he cast his eyes about the room for something more interesting to look at. It was then he found something that made him wish he hadn't of looked away from Anakin, Snape and the girl on his lap. He saw Harry, the real Harry, his best friend, rolling around on the floor with the fake Draco. What was worse yet was the fact that they were kissing passionately (though the way their hands wandered made it look like a bit more than just kissing). Ron, dumbfounded beyond belief, staggered over to the Hermiones, who were looking at Harry and Draco with an expression that clearly said 'Isn't that kee-yute!!!' Realizing that he would get no help from either of the girls, he turned to Obi-Wan, who looked about as spaced out as someone that was stoned. He noticed Ron looking at him and said, "Can I help you with something?"

"Please, please tell me the reason for... for... this!" he said, gesturing around the room at each and every weird scene, especially the one pertaining to Harry and Draco.

"I couldn't even begin to tell you what you've missed," said Obi-Wan with an insane grin. "Just be glad that you did, alright? Things happened here today that no man should ever witness... For instance, it seems that your friend is about as straight as a hanger and as gay as Christmas. Well, look at the bright side. At least you didn't see them flirting with each other!"

Ron's face was overcome with disbelief. He backed into the door, feeling terribly scared and out of place. "Help!" he cried miserably, banging on the door. "HELP!"

Ron would have screamed for help again, except there was a sudden flash of bright light, and he could not see nor hear anymore.

*~*~*

Everything and everyone in the room looked as if they were frozen in place. A calm, blue glow filled the room, and a weird clunking noise was coming from somewhere. That somewhere was from behind the door!

Suddenly, the door opened, and the source of the clunking became apparent. A small, outlandish looking, greenish-gray, four-fingered, wizened creature was standing at the door with a cane in hand. He peered around the room with a quizzical expression. After a few moments, he said in feeble little voice, "Gandalf! Come here, you must!"

Within seconds, a second being that was much taller and more human-like, appeared. He was tall and had a white beard that went down to the rope that held together his robe. "You rang, Yoda?"

"Peculiar, this scene is," he said, focusing in on Padme, who was sitting on Snape's lap, twisting a lock of his hair between her fingers. "Senator Amidala... infatuated, she seems, with the odd looking man."

Gandalf, however, was taking greater care about looking at the hobbits. "My god! Their pupils are bigger than marbles! They must have smoked two pounds! And Legolas? His hair is... braided? It is just as well, I suppose. I always thought that old Leggy was a bit effeminate at times, anyway. Ah, if only Gimli could see this..." He glanced over at the doubles of Harry, Ron, and Hermione and asked, "Yoda, who are these other people?"

"Dumbledore's followers, they are," said Yoda.

The two of them scanned the entire scene and were bewildered at some of the circumstances. Yoda was especially baffled when it came to seeing Harry and Draco entangled with each other on the floor. "The two on the floor are males, are they not? Trying to mate, are they? Work it will not! Lightsaber goes not with lightsaber..." he groaned.

Gandalf laughed heartily and said, "Only on Dagobah does it work like that, Yoda..."

Yoda grumbled and said, "That aside, wrong this scene still is!"

"I do know what you mean," said Gandalf, stroking his chin. "It all does seem rather chaotic. Perhaps we could unfreeze them and--"

"No!" said Yoda. "Take away their memory of this room we must... but how?"

"I believe it is time we summoned Dumbledore," said Gandalf. He tapped his walking staff onto the ground five times, as did Yoda with his cane. Suddenly, a brilliant flash of gold light burst into the room, and soon, Dumbledore stood there, majestic and proud.

"Hello, Gandalf," he said, bowing to his fellow wizard, "and Master Yoda," he also said with a bow. "Do you need my assistance, or was this another prank summon?"

"We are in a peculiar situation, Albus," said Gandalf, gesturing to the scene around them. "We figured that we needed you to help modify everyone's' memories."

Dumbledore stared around the room and looked at the other two with a small grin. "It would be very interesting if we were to play the rest of this scene out..."

"NO!" shrieked Yoda. "Follow the plots of our own stories, we must! Modify their memories, you will!"

Dumbledore backed away from the disgruntled alien and said, "Fine, fine! I'll do it! But just for the duration of the time they were in this room!" He looked around the room, trying to figure out where to start. He decided that he should satisfy Yoda before the little guy had a hernia. He walked over to Padme first, and muttered, "Obliviate." She did not move or alter in any way, but the three of them knew that when they would unfreeze them all, they would all get up and go back to their respective areas. He then levitated her off of Snape's lap and onto the floor (he didn't want the first thing she remember was being on some stranger's lap).

Next came Anakin, who looked like he was at the brink of tears. Dumbledore modified his memory and then traveled over to Obi-Wan, who was sitting between the Hermiones. After finishing with him, he went over to the hobbits and Legolas. Looking up at Gandalf, he asked, "Any special requests?"

"Yes," he said in a conniving manner. "Would you keep Legolas' dreadlocks? I know a dwarf back home that would be very happy to see him like that."

"Will do, Gandy, will do," he said. Dumbledore modified the memories of the hobbits in one swipe (they were halflings, after all). He got to Legolas and prepared a special charm that would ensure that his 'new do' would endure the effects of the memory charm.

He finished with Legolas with a sigh, saying, "I'm done with your parties. You may take them back to your own worlds, if you'd like. They have no idea that any of the events that took place today, took place."

"Good man, Albus," said Gandalf appreciatively. "I'll see you when Return of the King opens, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" said Dumbledore. "And I expect you'll be at Prisoner of Azkaban?"

"Yes, yes, of course!" said Gandalf, smiling. "And Yoda? What happened to you? Episode III has been taking a long time, hasn't it?"

"Work out the kinks, we must," he said slyly. "Say nothing more, I will." With a tap of his cane, he vanished, along with Obi-Wan, Padme, and Anakin.

"I best be going, then, Dumbledore, my old friend," said Gandalf. "Thank you for everything!"

"No problem," sighed Dumbledore. "The real task now is charming the right people, now. I am not sure who is from the movie and who is not!"

Gandalf nodded and tapped his staff once on the floor, causing him to evaporate into thin air, along with the hobbits and Legolas.

Dumbledore peered around the room. His eyes first fell on the Hermiones, who looked so content. How could he take that away from them? Knowing Hermione, she will try to clone herself so she can take more classes... He modified their memories. He turned to Snape, who was still wearing a sheepish grin from when Padme was sitting on his lap. I might as well not take this moment from him, since he hasn't had anything close to 'action' since his sex god title was dropped... Passing over the poster Ron, who looked merely bored, he came across the real Ron, who looked positively mortified. Curious to what he was freaking out about, he looked in the general direction and saw the two boys curled up with each other on the floor. He chuckled, thinking; now that's irony... He had no intention of modifying Harry or Draco's memories, though he felt terrible for Ron. Realizing that this was probably not the best way for Ron find out about Harry's preference of male over female, he pointed his wand at Ron and said, "Obliviate!" Afterwards, he turned Ron around for good measure. Dumbledore figured that he ought to leave them to their own devices now. After all, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had come to see a movie. He didn't want to ruin their plans!

*~*

"What the..." said Harry, waking up finding himself sprawled on a sticky floor outside of a door marked, The Lord of the Rinds: The Fellowship of the Ring. There was a sharp pain about his forehead and a small child crying nearby. Ron was also on the floor rubbing his head. Hermione was apparently getting some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a young man with long blonde dreadlocked hair. She was smiling weakly when she came to.

Harry got up, helping his two friends to their feet also, and then asked them. "Do any of you remember...anything? Anything in that room?" he said, scratching his head. His last memory was being entangled in the arms of someone warm and... blonde?

Hermione and Ron both shook their heads.

"You must've gotten hit in the head rather hard there, mate," said Ron, clapping him on the back.

"Yes, yes," said Hermione impatiently. "But I didn't get this movie ticket just to stand here and listen to you two get all chummy! Let's get on with the movie!"

"Right," they said together.

They went to open the door to the movie and went into the theater. In the dark hallway, a figure was mopping up someone's spilled drink.

"Idiotic children," muttered the figure in a tone that Harry, Ron, and Hermione knew and usually loathed. However, this voice was, to Harry in particular, quite interesting to hear, since the last time he heard it...

"Draco?" called Harry towards the figure.

He stopped mopping and turned to face the trio. "Potter?"

"Yeah, it's me!" he said happily. "And what about you, Draco? All in a Muggle movie theater and everything!"

Hermione and Ron looked dumbfounded, and Draco just looked appalled, staring at Harry. "Why the hell are you calling me Draco?" he spat.

Harry looked a little confused, and then shouted back, "Fine! Pretend like it didn't happen then!"

The two of them screamed obscenities at each other until Harry, escorted by Hermione and Ron, was dragged into the theater.

"What happened with you and Draco," asked Hermione. "Did you guys do what I think you two did?

"Yeah," said Ron sarcastically. "Harry is going to come out of the closet with Draco bloody Malfoy. Right, Hermione."

*~*