Outward Appearances

Chapter 26: Found In Translation

Part I. The Wizard Version

The library had been invaded.

Lily sat fuming at her table. A loud laugh from across the room made her grit her teeth. She wanted to shush them, but that would require making contact with the goofs at the other table.

This was so unfair.

Black laughed again, and her eyes involuntarily flew to their table. James and his reunited friends were clustered about a table and apparently "studying," but every few minutes they would huddle over one book and start whispering. It wasn't that Lily was paying specific attention. It was just that she was really trying to study and they were making a spectacle of themselves in the bloody library of all places.

What were they doing in the library, anyway? Since when did they come in here?

Lily glanced at James under her lashes. One of his hands was buried in his thick hair, and he was chewing on his quill as he read.

She felt a flash of irritation at the longing that welled up inside her. If James was trying to provoke her by being there, then he was wasting his energies. She wasn't going to give in and throw a fit of any kind, no matter how much she may want to.

James suddenly looked up, and she quickly dropped her eyes back to her book, her heart pounding. She waited a moment before she allowed herself to look up again. He was reading again, so she gave in to the urge to give him a proper look. James didn't appear as tragic as he had after they had first broken up. The dark circles were gone from under his eyes, and he was smiling again now that he was reunited with his friends.

There was a part of Lily that felt relieved, and she was sure that everything had turned out the way it was meant to. When they were together, James had been estranged from Black and Lupin, and it had taken its toll on him. Now, he was back where he belonged.

But that didn't stop the other part of her from hurting when faced with the prospect of James moving on from her like she had never been a part of his life.

It was all something of a conundrum.

Her blatant staring had caught the attention of Peter, and he turned to wave obscenely at her. She inwardly winced when the other three boys glanced over to see whom Peter was waving at. Before she could meet any of their stares, Lily began to hastily pack up her stuff. She couldn't take any of Black's attitude or Lupin's patronizing today. She couldn't handle anything from James.

She left the library.

Her heart rate didn't start to slow down until after Lily had passed through the portrait. She nodded to Deidlan Domerly and his lot, who were all playing exploding snap, before trudging up the staircase to her dorm. They gave her funny looks, but she didn't notice.

It always seemed to be a rare blessing these days whenever she didn't have to run into James in the common room. He always seemed to be wherever she was, either coming around a corner or just leaving a room.

Or in the library.

He was like a ghost haunting her steps and reminding her of their lost relationship. It was very much like losing a best friend, and then having that friend awkwardly stalk you for weeks on end.

Upon crossing the threshold, Lily headed straight for her bed with the thought in mind for a nap. She was starting to worry that she may have developed chronic fatigue syndrome. Every day felt exhausting, and she found herself retiring earlier and earlier. Of course, it could just be that walking around on emotional eggshells was taking its toll on her. Either one.

Lily slipped off her shoes and climbed onto her bedspread, unceremoniously shoving Beelzebub over. The kneazle didn't appreciate this, and she hissed in a very un-ladylike manner before disappearing beneath Lily's bed.

Feeling eyes on her, she turned to the other occupants of the room.

Marcella and Vivian were staring oddly at her, and Lily suddenly realized that they must have been talking about her before she entered the room. When she met their stares, they looked away guiltily.

Lily sighed and leaned back against the pillows adorning the head of her bed. She folded her arms and said, "Do you want to tell me what you were saying behind my back?"

They exchanged a look, and Lily said impatiently, "Fine. Forget it." She rolled over onto her side and snuggled into a pillow. "I don't care."

Marcella came over and sat on the edge of Lily's bed. "Are you okay?" she asked timidly.

Lily raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm a little tired," she said suspiciously, "but it's been a long day."

Marcella nodded sympathetically. "I'll bet. I'm sorry, Lily. I know this is going to be awkward for you."

She gave the blonde a puzzled look. "What do you mean?" It was just a little fatigue, not a head transplant.

Marcella shrugged awkwardly. "Well, it's got to be weird having your best friend going with your ex-boyfriend."

She blinked in confusion. That didn't even make sense. Lily sat up and frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"

Marcella looked stricken and she drew back from her. "Don't you know?"

"Know what?" she said impatiently. "Will you please just tell me what you're talking about?"

Marcella stood and returned to Vivian's side, wringing her hands. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you," she said in a voice tinged with regret. "We thought you'd have heard by now."

Feeling a vague panic rising up, Lily stood and moved over to them. "You're starting to scare me." She pulled her wand from her robes and pointed it threateningly at the pair of them. Their eyes bulged. "Now, for the very last time--"

"Bella's dating James," Vivian blurted out.

Lily's world started to shrink as she stared at Vivian and the words sunk in. It was absurd what Vivian was saying, but nonetheless, she felt something cold spreading through her chest.

They were watching her reaction closely, and Lily laughed nervously. "Where did you get that?"

"Well, we were there," Vivian said, "when he asked her."

The floor shifted a little beneath her feet and the cold hand gripped her heart, but Lily still shook her head in denial. A picture of her best friend and her ex-boyfriend flashed through her mind and it didn't fit. It didn't fit at all, because it was wrong. Lily knew that. They would never do that to her. Even if James really hated her now, and if Bella had been lying to her all this time, then... No, because she never would. That wasn't who Bella was and... Bella hated James! Okay, she didn't hate him, but she was always teasing him and making fun of him and... No. Lily would know.

"That can't be right," she insisted. "They wouldn't... They aren't... You're wrong."

Bella couldn't have hidden a relationship with James from her. There was no way.

Marcella stepped toward her and touched her arm reassuringly. "That's not exactly what happened, Lily. They aren't dating. He just asked her to go to the dance with him."

Lily stared at her uncomprehendingly. Why would he do that? Why would James ask out her best friend when their relationship wasn't even cold in the grave, yet?

Maybe he did hate her.

"When did this happen?" she demanded, fighting off the ache she felt behind her ribcage.

"This morning. Everyone's been talking about it. That's why we thought you already knew."

Where had she been while this had been going on? Why had she allowed this to happen?

No. She was getting ahead of herself. This still didn't make any sense. It was so out of the blue. It sounded like an evil rumor McCoy would have cooked up to punish her for agreeing to be Rosier's date. Wait.

Lily gripped Vivian by the shoulders and said carefully, "You were there? You saw and heard this happen?"

Vivian looked a little alarmed by Lily's intensity, but she said, "Right there. He asked her at breakfast."

"You actually heard him?"

"Yes!" she squeaked.

No rumor, then. Frustrated, Lily released Vivian and went over to retrieve her shoes.

"Where are you going?" Marcella asked concernedly.

"To talk to Bella," she said shortly. Her friend would clear this up. She'd laugh and tell Lily that Vivian and Marcella were idiots that needed to have their hearing checked. She'd probably even be insulted that they had linked her to James at all.

"Okay," Vivian said nervously, "but you're not going to hurt her or anything, are you?"

Lily stopped and gave her a look of disbelief. "Am I going to hurt Bella? Is that seriously what you just asked me?"

"Okay, stupid question," she admitted sheepishly, "but you're not too upset, are you?"

Lily didn't even bother to answer that. Where would Arabella be about now? She quickly worked off a list in her head. She wouldn't be in the Great Hall, because dinner was over. She wouldn't be in the library, because she was Bella. Lily knew that she wasn't in the common room. So, where did that leave?

She didn't know where that left, so she asked, "Where is Bella?"

"I think Mundungus dragged her to the Astronomy Club meeting. He came to find you, but you weren't here."

"Where is that?"

"In the Astronomy Tower, of course," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Thanks," she said, rushing out of the room.

There was an obvious art to running down staircase after staircase without falling and breaking your neck, but Lily had it down pat by this point.

Vivian's voice echoed down the stairwell. "You won't tell her that I told you, will you?"

Lily rolled her eyes and focused on navigating her way towards the Astronomy Tower. Unfortunately for her, it was on the opposite side of the castle from Gryffindor Tower, -- so many bloody towers-- and after five or so more staircases, -- up and down-- she found herself puffing and gasping for air outside of the Astronomy classroom. She must have looked a fright, because no one had stayed in her way for long. One girl actually squeaked in her haste to move out of Lily's path.

It didn't matter.

She wiped the sweat from her forehead and pushed open the door that was already slightly ajar.

There were about fifteen or so students assembled about the room, and Ned Crawley was speaking to the group and holding up a star chart. He paused at Lily's entrance with clear irritation. "Close the door and find a seat," he snapped, before returning to the star chart.

Lily didn't bother to tell him that the door had already been open before she'd even gotten there. She quickly located Arabella and Mundungus in the crowd and attempted to steer herself in their direction without stepping on anyone's toes. When she reached Arabella's side, she blurted out, "I need to talk to you."

Arabella blinked in surprise. She shrugged apologetically at Gus, who looked bemused, and followed Lily back toward the door. Once she'd closed the door behind them, Arabella let out a relieved laugh. "Thank Merlin for you, Lily. I was seriously considering charming Crawley's underpants into suffocating him. I've never been so bored in my life! That blasted Fletcher--"

Lily abruptly cut her off. "Not here!" She began trotting down the staircase, and Arabella watched her go with a stunned expression on her face. Frowning, she jogged after her. "What's going on?" she asked.

Lily waited until Arabella had reached the bottom of the stairs before she grabbed her elbow and pulled her into the first classroom they'd encountered. She released her friend and locked the door the manual way before turning to face her.

Arabella had her hands on her hips. "Do you want to tell me what this is about? I'm all for phony excuses for getting out of boring, stupid clubs, but this is starting to feel serious."

Lily avoided her eyes, feeling pathetic and desperate. She didn't want to be doing this. Arabella was going to think that she was insane. She probably was insane.

"Lily?"

She squeezed her eyes shut and struggled to find the resolve to have this conversation. No matter the outcome, she had to do this, if only to clear Bella's name of such mean-spirited rumors. Her voice came out rushed and shaky when she finally asked, "Are you going to the dance with James?"

There was no immediate answer.

Lily felt the blood rushing to her ears and she dug her nails into her palms. Why wasn't Bella answering? She opened her eyes and stared at her friend.

Arabella was looking at her with her mouth hanging open. "Who told you that?"

The relief was sweet. This was the reaction she had been expecting-- wanting. Vivian and Marcella had been wrong. A smile spread across her face. She'd known it, but it was wonderful to be right. What a stupid idea...

Arabella shook her head disgustedly. "Of course, I already know who was shooting their mouth off. I can't believe those twits would tell you about that."

The smile froze on her face. "What?"

Arabella gave her an anxious look. "Oh, Lily. I didn't want you to know. It was such a stupid thing to do. I don't know what he was thinking."

"He... He really did ask you to go with him?" she asked, her relief burning away.

"He did," she admitted reluctantly, "but he meant that we would only go as friends. You know what? Not even as friends! As not-friends! Not-friends with no dates. We were joking around about it, and he suggested it. I didn't even give him an answer, it was so absurd."

Friends. The pounding in her chest faded into a dull ache. She could almost feel herself deflating. Of course.

God, James must really hate her. He was smart. He had to have known how this would be perceived, how Lily would react, what conclusions she would draw. Yet, he did it, anyway. He could have asked anyone.

Arabella looked genuinely distressed. "I could kill those two."

Lily hugged her arms to her chest and gave Arabella a strained smile that stretched oddly on her face. "Bella, it's fine."

"No, it isn't! This is the last thing that you need right now. Anyone could see that!"

Could anyone see? She tried so hard not to be transparent and it never seemed to work for her. Was there even a point to pretending anymore? James always saw through her before. He must have realized what she was still feeling behind her averted stares, and he had deliberately stuck this knife in her.

Her eyes burned, and Lily pressed her palms against the sockets. Her voice trembled. "Oh, Bella. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Arabella clucked sympathetically and pulled Lily into a hug. "I think I do."

"No," she moaned, burying her face in Bella's shoulder. "That's not it."

She felt a chuckle against her hair. "Sure, okay."

"I thought I was over him," she said miserably.

"You did?" Arabella said, sounding surprised.

She gave a glum sigh. "No." Lily sheepishly pulled back from her friend's comforting arms and said, "I'm sorry, Bella. I jumped to stupid conclusions. I didn't mean to freak out on you."

Arabella smiled easily. "Ah, well. You saved me from Fletcher's warped idea of entertainment. Thanks, by the way."

Lily collapsed into one of the empty desks and stared down at her shaking hands. "Since when does he go to Astronomy Club?" she asked softly. She hadn't even realized that she was shaking.

"Urgh! Who can keep track of that mad genius' mind these days? Ever since Marcella agreed to be his date, he's been all over the place. If he thinks Astronomy is going impress that featherhead, then he's sorely mistaken."

Lily rubbed her forehead tiredly. "She's not really a featherhead, you know."

"If you say so." Arabella frowned at her. "I can't believe that you thought Potter asked me to go with him as his actual date. That's so wrong that I can't even fathom it."

Yes, it was. But what was even worse was what Lily was about to propose.

"I think you should go with him."

Arabella's mouth fell open again. "You're joking."

"No," she said quietly. "I'm not." You'd have to be sane to be joking.

"But... Why?"

"I think it's a good idea," she said firmly. "You're both in need of a date, and I'm okay with it."

Arabella came and crouched in front of her. "Lily, you've finally lost your mind. I've been expecting it, but not quite this soon. If you'll just come with me, then I'll get you up to Madame Pomfrey."

"Stop it," she said, smiling slightly. "I'm being serious."

Arabella sighed and stood upright. "I'm telling him no."

Lily fiddled with the hem of her skirt. She mulled carefully over her choice of words. "If you say no, then it'll be because of me."

"So?"

"So, there's no reason why you should go without a date. Bella, you just said that you'd only be going as friends, right? Why should that be a problem? You'll both probably have fun ridiculing one another for an extended period of time."

Lily left it unsaid that she dreaded having to meet James' knowing stare after Arabella had turned him down. He'd realize that she was saying no because it bothered Lily. He would also realize why it still bothered her.

"In a way, you'd actually be helping me," she continued. "If James is going with you, then he won't be taking someone else that might want to be..." Her throat constricted painfully. "Something else," she concluded lamely. She lowered her head to avoid her friend's eyes. It shouldn't be this hard.

Arabella looked conflicted. "Lily, I don't think it would be a good idea. You can't be that all right with it, considering that you seem to have run all the way over here to confront me about being Potter's date."

She grimaced at that. "Obviously, I wasn't thinking straight. I said I was sorry."

"But you were upset," she insisted.

"I'll be more upset if he goes with some slag!" she snapped, momentarily losing her control. "Do this for me."

Arabella pursed her lips and looked disapproving. However, Lily could tell that she was at least considering it. "I suppose that what you're saying makes a little bit of sense," she admitted reluctantly. "Since you're going with Rosier, you're going to need someone to watch over Potter in case he tries to pull something stupid."

"And you know he will," she said wryly. Hopefully, it wouldn't involve any slags, though.

Arabella groaned and clutched her head. "I can't believe I'm even considering it."

Lily traced patterns on the desk as she waited for Bella to crack. It would have been difficult to pin down what she was feeling that moment. She was angry with James for putting her in this awkward situation, and maybe even a part of her hoped that Bella would say no. Everything just felt so complicated.

Arabella finally gave a defeated sigh. "If he gives me a trick corsage, then I'll never forgive you."

Lily got up and hugged Arabella. "Thank you, Bella," she whispered. "Everything will turn out all right. You'll see."

Inwardly, she wondered who was really to blame.

**********************

It didn't seem to matter to the Hogwarts masses that Arabella officially agreed to be James' date for Sieranda's ball, because word had begun to spread hours before Lily ever convinced Bella to do it.

Arabella blamed Marcella and Vivian, but Lily knew that gossip like this didn't need a single instigator. There was far too much interest about in what could easily appear as an unexpected romantic pairing between Lily's best friend and former boyfriend.

The whole thing infuriated Arabella, and there were also rumors floating around about whether she had really overturned her pomegranate juice onto someone's head after they'd teased her about it.

That rumor was true; the person had been Gilda Westen, and Arabella had happily accepted her subsequent detention. Lily thought the grim satisfaction she'd seen in Bella's eyes had more to do with Greg Darvins hanging in the background than anything the unfortunate girl had said about her and James.

Ah, the tangled webs we weave. Lily had to find humor in the situation or else she might start screaming in the middle of the Great Hall and never stop. They'd have to commit her to St. Mungo's and her parents would never be able to figure out how to visit her or pay for the commitment.

Therefore, rather than sticking around to see all of the curious and pitying looks being sent her way in light of events, Lily retreated to the library.

She preferred being alone these days. The library was quiet and sparse-- when it wasn't being invaded-- and her marks were improving rapidly. That particular day, she was looking over one of her tutorial student's Arithmancy homework. Since returning from the holiday, she had taken on two more students under her tutelage in addition to the initial kid. She was confident that she could handle the work in addition to her usual load.

Lily had trouble sleeping, anyway.

It wasn't that she regretted her decision. No, she wanted Bella to have a good time, and it didn't matter that it was going to be with James. It had obviously been James' idea in the first place, but it wouldn't have happened without Lily's blessing. He owed her, really. Bella was great fun. He couldn't have asked for a better "date."

If it privately bothered her more than she would ever admit to anyone, then it didn't matter because she would never admit it to anyone. Lily was capable of dealing with her issues...

By retreating.

So, James had been right about her. Lily liked to run away. What difference did it make? It wasn't like she was burdening him with it, anymore. He was safe.

Lily sighed to herself and rested her face in her hands. She was tired of grading stupid papers. What she wanted was some freaking chocolate.

Smiling at the thought of some illicit warm cocoa waiting for her in the kitchens, Lily began to pack up her stuff. Some comfort would be nice.

She was just leaving the library when she spotted a few familiar faces in a group of Ravenclaw boys standing nearby.

Greg.

The idea was there immediately, but Lily still hesitated. This really wasn't any of her business. Arabella would kill her if she found out, and since when did she go out of her way to find confrontations?

Never, that's when. Lily didn't go out of her way to solve other people's problems. Well, unless it was for James, or when she was being manipulated. That seemed to happen often.

This was for Bella, though.

Lily groaned inwardly when she realized that her mind was already made up. Steeling herself, she made her way over to where Greg was communing with his friends. They didn't notice her at first, so Lily was forced to stand there awkwardly while she waited for someone to acknowledge her. She rocked back and forth on her feet for a lack of anything better to do.

Unfortunately, the first person to notice her was Xavier Gallaway. Lily flinched when he did a double take. His surprise only lasted long enough for him to remember being pushed into the Great Lake. Lily could actually see the flick go off in his head, and he scowled at her.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

The other boys stopped talking and looked at her. It could have been her imagination, but their expressions seemed vaguely hostile.

Lily shifted uneasily under their accusing stares. She probably deserved this, but it was still a bit more embarrassing than she'd anticipated. Of course, she hadn't really had time to anticipate anything before she'd made this stupid decision.

Stupid, stupid decision. Well, it was too late to back out now. "Um, can I talk to you, Greg?" she asked.

His eyes widened at the request, and he shot an uncertain look at Xavier, who snorted at her. "If you want to talk to me, then at least have the guts to do it face-to-face."

"I'll keep that in mind if I ever feel the urge to speak to you again," she said, wishing that she could be anywhere else. If anything, the stares became glacial. She raised her chin a little higher. "Greg?"

Darvins looked reluctant, but Lily didn't come over here for nothing. Ignoring Xavier, she touched Greg's sleeve, widened her eyes a bit, and said in her most entreating voice, "Please?"

Xavier was looking between them suspiciously, but Greg was clearly cracking. Lily smiled inwardly in triumph. Rosier may see right through her, but Greg didn't know her well enough to try.

He finally shrugged and said, "Right. Okay."

Nodding, Lily led the way around several corners until she was sure that they could have privacy for this. If it got back to Bella what she was about to do, then a miracle may very well occur, and Bella could actually find her way to the library by herself and stay long enough to look up a decent curse to hurl at Lily.

She liked her nose exactly where it was, thank you very much.

Lily paused once they had passed the last portrait in the corridor and turned to him with no idea how she was going to broach the subject. They kind of stared at each other awkwardly for a few uncomfortable seconds.

"What did you need, Lily?" he finally asked politely.

Well, there was always the direct approach. "Funny that you should ask," she said, smiling nervously, "because I need for you to take Bella to the dance."

The funny thing was that she hadn't known that she was going to say that. It didn't make any sense for her to say something like that when she had been the one to convince Bella to go with James. She had just thought as far as the idea that Bella might be happy if Greg would give her a second chance.

When Greg merely stared at her, Lily realized that she direct approach was also a very stupid approach.

Greg frowned. "Is this about Potter taking her as his date?"

Lily tensed at the insinuation, but she managed to say, "I don't begrudge her going with him."

"Big of you," Greg said in a voice that could only be considered bitter. "No one seems to begrudge Potter much of anything, do they?"

"I think some would disagree," Lily muttered, thinking of Snape.

Greg snorted, and Lily's eyes widened in recognition. Was he jealous? Of James? "Greg," she said carefully, "you don't think that... that they're an item, do you?"

"Don't you?" he challenged.

"No!" she protested. "It's not like that!"

He smiled sardonically. "Isn't that how it started with you? Lots of playful-- bordering on hostile-- banter, soon to be followed with public snogging in the halls? Potter seems to have a modus operandi."

Lily didn't like that at all. However, she had a purpose here, and it didn't involve defending James' dubious honor. "They aren't dating," she said firmly.

Greg sighed impatiently. "I'm sorry, but I can't help you. Arabella already has a date, and if you'll recall, we broke up."

"I know," she said reluctantly, "but it was a misunderstanding that broke you two up in the first place."

"No, that was me," he said dryly.

Lily sighed and rubbed her temples wearily. "Greg, you did that because Gallaway was feeding you lies about Bella. She wasn't cheating on you or anything else he must have said to you."

His eyebrows rose with surprise. "Xavier has never lied to me a day in his life, and I never thought that Bella cheated on me."

Lily was flabbergasted. "Then, why? Why did you break up with her out of the blue like that?"

Greg looked very sad. "Lily, what does it matter anymore?"

"It does, because Arabella still..." She searched for the right word. "She still cares about you."

He smiled ruefully. "Caring isn't the same thing as loving."

Surprised, Lily stared into his eyes, suddenly feeling as if she had missed something very important. "You're in love with her?" she asked incredulously.

Greg's smile became amused. "It shouldn't be that hard to believe. She's rather loveable, that one."

"Oh, I know that. I just... Greg, why did you break it off if you felt this way and Xavier wasn't influencing you?"

He was quiet, and Lily wondered if he was ever going to answer her. He finally lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "I got tired of being second."

Lily felt a sinking feeling as the realization hit her. "Black," she said simply.

He didn't respond, and she knew that she'd been right when she'd assumed that Greg knew all along about Bella's feelings for Sirius Black. He really was smarter than she ever gave him credit for. The thought made her feel sad and guilty. Bella may miss him now, but even she had once referred to Greg as a "rebound board" for Black.

"I really hate that guy," she muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing." She gave him a serious look. "You know that nothing could ever have come of it between them, don't you?"

Greg returned her look. "That isn't really the point, though, is it?"

Lily sighed. "No, it isn't. I'm sorry, Greg. I know it can't feel good not to feel like someone's first choice, especially when they're yours."

He gave her another sad smile. "No offense, Lily, but I don't believe that you've ever been somebody's second choice."

Lily was initially felt flattered, and she blushed a bit; but then she remembered the scratches and the marks on James' body from his fight with Rosier some weeks back. She also recalled the look on Snape's face after she turned down his date invitation, and the hateful things that Xavier had said to her before she'd been forced to push him into the Great Lake.

A voice whispered from a dark place within her mind that maybe she would have done better to have not been so many boys' first choice. From where she was standing now, all she could see was a bucket of hurt waiting for everyone in every direction they turned.

She didn't feel flattered anymore.

"What if I told you that Bella was over Black?" she asked. "Would it make any difference at all?"

Greg closed his eyes briefly, as if he were in pain, before he said, "No, it wouldn't."

"Why not?" she demanded, frustrated.

"Because she's not in love with me, Black or no."

"You don't know that!" she insisted.

"I do, because she told me!" he blurted out.

Lily froze. "You told her how you felt, and then she said that she didn't feel the same?" she asked, shocked. How could Bella have left out such a monumental note in her retelling of their break-up?

"Yes," he said, meeting her stare with the bravery of a Gryffindor. "That's why I ended it."

"Oh. Well, now, I'm really sorry."

He gave a surprised laugh. "You mean that you weren't before?"

Lily smiled at him, still stunned to her core that she hadn't known about this beforehand. It explained so much. "But what if she felt differently now? Would that make a difference?"

He looked skeptical. "I've never seen a girl go through so many guys in such a short period of time. I doubt that she's had time to miss me."

"It's all a ruse," she said candidly, expressing her private opinion on the matter. "She's been dating to save face and to distract herself from what went down with you. She's only going with James to the dance because I asked her to, and I know that she'd rather go with you."

Greg blinked at her, and then they both heard the sound of approaching footsteps. One of the Ravenclaw boys that had been standing with their group appeared from around the corner. "We've got practice, remember?" he said.

"Yeah," he said. He gave Lily a final, searching look. "I'll see you around, Lily, okay?"

Disappointed, Lily nodded and watched as he disappeared with his friend down the corridor. She hadn't gotten a definitive answer from him, and she may very well have made things worse.

Why hadn't Bella told her that Greg claimed to be in love with her?

Lily sighed and hefted her bag higher on her shoulder before she headed back toward her common room. Come to think of it, why had she never confided to Bella that James had said the words, too?

She felt a dull sting at the memory, and she hurried her steps as if to escape from it. It didn't matter what she'd done, because James and Greg were completely different people. Arabella and Lily were different, too, as well as the circumstances of their individual relationships. Apparently, Bella hadn't returned the sentiment when Greg had professed it. Lily had never been given the chance to consider whether she loved James or not.

Well, no matter what Bella may have been feeling or thinking at the time, Lily still hoped that Greg would at least think about what she'd said and consider giving her friend another chance.

*********************

She wandered aimlessly on the grounds, taking advantage of yet another opportunity for solitude. She felt that she had a lot to ponder since her conversation with Greg earlier that day.

She hadn't allowed herself to really think about what James had said to her on the platform. The reality of it was too painful. There were girls whom Lily knew that needed to hear their boyfriends say that they loved them. She wasn't one of those girls. Requiring James to profess such a thing meant that she would have to examine her own feelings for him. That hadn't been something she was prepared to do.

But how about now?

Lily didn't know. She knew that she missed him. Whenever she passed him the halls, she felt her heart fall into her shoes. But she also knew that whenever she thought about McCoy, Robin, or any of the four imaginary girls, she still felt sick and angry. She'd even avoided talking to Daphne.

Nevertheless, she had come down from the shock of McCoy's revelation, and she felt a little less naïve now. There was still a certain sadness at the loss of naivety, and that she even had to lose it. But her inner realist whispered to her that if she was old enough to engage in such activities as she had with James, then she was old enough to give up a little girl's romantic delusions.

However harsh James had been with her, he had been right. The things he'd done with those other girls-- her heart pinched-- had all been before her. At the time, he didn't owe her anything. She hadn't been interested in him, and then there was that period when she was dating Rosier. McCoy had happened during that time. She felt intense remorse for that, but if she were thinking logically, then she knew that if she had known at the time, then she wouldn't have cared who James was shagging. Who was James or McCoy to her? If anything, she probably would have appreciated the irony of a snob like McCoy fraternizing with Gryffindor's golden boy.

But James shouldn't have lied to her.

Lily was suddenly drawn from her thoughts when her eye caught something that made her turn. She was near the Quidditch pitch, and there seemed to be some kind of smoke coming from inside. Was there a fire? Panicking, Lily pulled out her wand and started running toward the pitch. As she got closer, she saw that the smoke was actually floating up in strange ring-shapes. It was odd, but there wasn't time to contemplate it.

Lily rushed into the stadium and pulled out her wand. She was halfway through an Aquamenti when she realized that there wasn't a fire at all. There was only a lone figure leaning against the base of one of the tall pillars.

Her eyes widened when she realized that it was Sirius Black. What the hell?

She considered continuing the spell just for kicks, but she ended up tucking away her wand and marching over to him. As she neared, she realized that he was holding, of all things, a cigarette.

"Sirius Black, are you smoking?" she demanded.

"No, it's an illusion," he said dryly.

"Were those rings I saw coming from that?" she asked, curious enough to ignore his barb.

Black rolled his eyes, looking annoyed. "Right observant, aren't you, Evans? I hear that's a quality they value in Head Girls."

Lily scowled, more than ready to hex him. He deserved it. She'd seen him hexing first years in the corridors on many occasions for absolutely no reason. She'd seen James do that, come to think of it... It was no wonder why she used to hate him.

Lily grimaced ruefully. She wasn't always the best judge of character.

Wait. Had she told him that she was going to be Head Girl next year? Had she ever even gotten around to telling James? Hmn. She couldn't remember. Clearly, Sirius Black was just a nosy bugger with no grasp on the concept of privacy. She probably didn't even want to know how he knew half the things he knew.

Nonetheless, Lily eyed his cigarette curiously. She'd spent a decent amount of time in the Hogsmeade pubs, but she'd never seen a cigarette that blew rings. Sieranda didn't even allow smoking in her building.

Black noticed her interest. With a smirk, he pulled the carton from his pocket and waved it under her nose. "Want one?" he offered with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

Lily automatically shoved his hand away from her face, but she stared at the box, considering. Then, she mentally shook herself and turned her gaze from him to the sunset. Anything from Sirius Black was to be met with cautiousness. "I quit," she said shortly.

Black snorted. "Yeah, right. I'd pay money to see you attempting to smoke."

Lily wondered if Remus had never told him about her smoking habit. She didn't know why she was assuming that Black and Lupin told each other everything when there were so many things that she and James had never bothered to confide in one another. Did even her parents tell each other everything?

Black leered at her. "Could the illustrious Evans ever live it down if she'd shared a cigarette with a notorious Black? Would that be breaking some sort of sacred covenant?"

There was a time when Lily would have been furiously indignant at the presumption he was making about her, but now all she felt was a spark of pleasure at knowing something Black didn't know about herself. She rarely seemed to get the opportunity these days.

She felt her lips curve into a suggestive smirk. "Well, I've already shared one with Severus Snape, but that's about as low as I go," she said.

Black actually choked on the smoke he had been inhaling, and Lily laughed unabashedly. "Steady on, Black," she said jovially, making no move to help him.

Once he'd gotten a hold of himself, he gave her a look that spoke volumes of disgust. "Tell me that was just a sick joke."

"Oh, no," she said innocently. "I really do consider you below Snape, if you must know."

Black scowled. "It's a wonder we don't do this more often, Evans."

"Really," she said dully, eyeing the cigarette again. "I didn't know you smoked."

"Likewise," he said. "Unless you were just taking the piss?"

Lily shook her head, unnerved by this revelation. She wasn't sure why it left an unpleasant taste in her mouth until Black echoed her sentiment. "We have more than one thing in common, after all," he said, not necessarily looking pleased about it.

Lily made a face. "Just so you know, I'll be repressing this whole conversation later."

Black laughed. "Yet another thing we have in common."

She gave him a pointed look. "Stop that."

He sent her the grin that sent half the school population into titters. "If you want," he purred, somehow making it all about her despite what he'd just said.

Lily frowned at him. "I want."

"All right," he said easily, and she relaxed a little. He gave her a side smile and offered the carton again. "You sure you don't want to try one?"

"I quit," she reemphasized. Was he deaf? Well, unfortunately, no.

"That's what all the junkies say," he smirked. "Come on. I'll bet you've never tried the wizard version."

It was true. She hadn't. It was easy enough to charm an alcoholic beverage off of a stranger at Sieranda's masques, but less so when it came to other commodities. However, it was Sirius Black that was offering, and she wanted to quit.

"They make pretty colors," he entreated.

Lily sighed. No one had ever accused her of having common sense. "Show me," she said.

Black grinned, and Lily watched as he lit one for her. She took it and waited for instruction.

"It's not the N.E.W.Ts, Evans."

Lily scowled at him and took a cautious drag, half-expecting it to turn into a snake and for Black to go skipping off, laughing at her gullibility.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. She released the smoke, and it formed an odd squiggle shape of ordinary color. She frowned with disappointment. "That's it?"

"Don't blame the cigarette because you're incompetent," he said sensibly. Lily wanted to smack him, but he continued with, "Use your imagination."

She tried again, this time imagining the rings she had seen drifting above the bleachers. A weak, half-ring still devoid of color drifted out.

"That's all?"

"That's it? That's all?" he mocked. "Christ, Evans."

Lily closed her eyes and pictured Sirius Black getting smacked in the face with a beater club. She put him in a dress for good measure.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said innocently.

They puffed in silence for a few moments, contentedly ignoring each other. The sunset really was splendid as far as sunsets went.

"So, why were you trying to quit?" Black asked conversationally, ruining the perfect silence.

"Why not? Health? Self-preservation? Freedom from an addiction? An aspiration for common sense? Pick one."

Black smiled self-deprecatingly. "Remus thinks that I smoke because it makes me feel like I'm rebelling even though all I'm doing is hurting myself."

Lily raised an eyebrow at this, surprised that he would confide such a thing to her. She mentally weighed how she felt about that. Frankly, she was leaning toward not good.

"Remus is a prat," she finally said dismissively before attempting another smoke ring.

Black laughed. "Or a prude."

Lily hummed her agreement and tried to focus on the cigarette instead of the company. Black blew out a particularly complex mandrake, and she hid her appreciation by averting her gaze.

Standing there, Lily was once again reminded of her conversation with Greg. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. What Bella felt for Black was really irrelevant if he didn't feel anything for her. Greg wouldn't have anything to worry about, because the thing about unrequited feelings was that they tended to eventually shrivel and die when given time.

She had never observed even a hint that Black might be harboring romantic notions for Arabella. However, despite Black's gibe, Lily wasn't exactly known for her observation skills. Before she encouraged a reconciliation any further, it might be better to know exactly what she was working with here.

"Out of curiosity, Black," she said haltingly, "have you ever... Well, have you ever had feelings for Arabella?"

If Black was confused by the question, then he didn't show it. He appeared to be considering the question.

"That depends on what you're asking, Evans," he said. "I've experienced many different feelings for many different people during my life. For instance, I've mostly felt detached amusement for the Hogwarts masses collectively. For my mates, there's certainly affection there when they aren't behaving like annoying prats. For Snivellus, there's a searing hatred. For you," he grinned widely, "there's plenty of amusement, a lot less of the affection, and not so much hatred as a smidgeon of hostility."

Lily gave him a disdainful look. "Wow. That was fascinating, Black," she said, "but I was asking about Arabella. Or did you mean to include her in with the collective masses?"

"You're not the most subtle investigator," he said amusedly. "Now, you wouldn't be trying to filch my boyfriend again, would you, Evans?"

Lily felt her face burn. "No," she said shortly. "And fuck you, Black."

He laughed at her. "Ah, there's that spunk I've come to associate with you, Evans. That's good, too," he continued, "because Bella's great and all, but Remus isn't up for grabs."

"Answer the damn question, Black."

He shrugged. "I like Bella well enough. She's a right sight more tolerable than you. I'm glad that James asked her to the dance thing. I hope they make a go of it. It won't be like gargling glass to be in her company, and they suite each other better, anyway."

Lily felt a brief sting at that. She averted her gaze and hugged her arms to her chest as if to ward off the impending cold. "I'll say one thing for you, Black," she said. "You're honest."

"Take a lesson," he said unsympathetically. "Why are you asking about Figg? I know she isn't interested. James or no, I thought she was all barmy over that Darvins bloke."

Lily was surprised that he'd noticed as much as that. "They broke up."

"Oh," he said noncommittally.

Lily felt some brief irritation at his lack of concern, but then she remembered that Black didn't even know about the part that he had played in the break-up. He also probably didn't care a wit's end.

Well, that pretty much answered her question. She wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed that all of Bella's angst really had been for nothing.

"So... Is Figg interested?" Black asked with a suggestive smirk.

Lily blinked at the stupidity of such a question. "No," she said firmly. Sure, it was a lie, but she wasn't going to give him an opening to hurt Bella further. "Besides," she said dryly, "I don't think Bella would be into the idea of a ménage à trois."

He shook his head mournfully. "Pity."

Lily sighed and shook her head in amazement that Black could, to this day, remain so oblivious while so many people were targeting such intense emotions at him, whether they be the warm and fuzzies from Arabella or the fuzz-less resentment from Lily.

Because he's like you, her traitorous mind whispered.

Lily's body gave a repulsed jerk at the thought. She and Black were not similar in any way, shape, or form. Nuh-uh. He was an arrogant, self-absorbed prick. She was... was...

Well, oblivious, anyway.

She felt a guilty twinge when she thought of James. He had supposedly been obsessed with her for years while she had brushed aside his attentions as the unimpressive attacks of a bored jerk. Lily knew that she had also trivialized Xavier and Severus' feelings for her to the point that she had missed some very important developments and both boys now resented her. So did James, actually, and Rosier had every right to, since Lily was using him even as she had the thought.

Boy, what a mess she'd made of her life.

Black was watching her. "What are you doing out here, Evans?"

That was a good question.

Lily frowned and looked away. It hadn't been at the front of her mind when she'd come over here, but there was something she wanted. She hated herself for her own weakness, but it was there, nonetheless. "How is he?" she whispered.

Black gave her an alarmed look. "You're not going to try to get him back, are you?"

"No," she said, startled.

Black visibly relaxed. "Good," he said, rolling his eyes, "because I can't even begin to tell you how much respect I would lose for you if you did, and considering how little I had to begin with, you can't afford to lose anymore."

Lily stared at him, astonished at the absolute, bloody gall. "Well, you don't have to worry, you pampered prick," she said dryly, "because I have no plan to sacrifice the last of my pride at the alter that is James Potter."

"That's a relief."

"I'm glad," she snapped.

He chuckled. "I'm thinking of you, too, Evans. You wouldn't want to date James now that I'm hanging around, would you?"

"Heaven forbid."

Black's smile faded a bit, and Lily's skin prickled in protest under his searching gaze. She hated being analyzed, and she knew that was what he was doing. "You're not in love with him, are you?" he asked softly.

Now, there was the question that she couldn't even seem to answer privately, so Sirius Black definitely didn't have a chance there. She was so used to the tightening of her heart at the thought of what might have been with James that she barely even noticed it this time.

Barely.

Lily frowned and took a final drag on what was definitely her last cigarette ever.

"Well?" he demanded.

"You want a personal question?" she shot back, glaring at him. "How about you direct it at yourself and tell me about you and Lupin? Is it true love and all that?" she mocked. "Are butterflies, cuddles, and romantic declarations of devotion your thing now? Are you going to introduce him to Mummy? I wonder how she would feel about that."

Lily knew all about Mrs. Black from the snippets she'd read in the newspapers. The old hag was always donating money to groups working against Muggleborn advancement. Her views on things were very clear, and Lily also knew that Remus was only a half-blood. She'd like to see Black handle that situation if his mother ever found out about his current choice of partner.

Black paled a bit. "Touché, Evans," he grumbled as he tossed his cigarette onto the ground a few feet in front of him. He pulled his wand from his back pocket and recited a spell that Lily had never heard before. The cigarette abruptly exploded into a shower of color that suspended in the air for a moment like a rainbow before it slowly dissipated into nothing.

"Wizard version," he said, smiling.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Show off."

Black laughed and gave her a sideways look. "Remus says that you are."

"A show-off?"

"In love with James, you twit," he said evenly.

Lily scowled, handing him her cigarette to dispose of. "Remus seems to make a habit of assuming what other people are feeling."

"Well, James said that you have commitment issues," he said, eyes sparkling.

Lily flinched at that, but she said, "So do you, Black, if that expression on your face when I asked about you and Lupin is any indication."

"Aw. Two peas in a pod," he said, putting a hand to his heart.

"Burn the pod," she said, turning to abandon him on the pitch. This conversation had taken a turn toward the undesirable. Not that she should be surprised, considering the company.

To her surprise, Black quickly fell into step beside her, and when Lily turned to look at him, she saw that he was grinning from ear to ear. The sight made her so nervous and irritated that she actually sped up her stride to escape him.

Of course, she couldn't, because Black's legs were almost twice as long as hers, and he seemed intent on staying with her for some reason. Lily gave a resigned sigh and slowed her pace. Black continued to grin in a way that set her on edge, but she bit her tongue against the silence, unwilling to bait him further.

They were coming upon the castle before he finally spoke his mind.

"You know, I thought that you had a crush on me once in third year."

Lily was momentarily shocked into stillness. She stared at him, feeling repulsed and horrified. He thought... that... She sputtered in indignation. "Of all the... You... No! No! Never, even. I just... Uh! No."

Black gave her a look. "Don't hold back there," he said dryly.

Lily frantically shook her head back and forth. "Ew. Just ew. I think I'm going to be sick."

He snorted. "Yeah, sure. What about that time when I bumped into you, and you blushed and ran away?"

"Your fly was down!"

The smirk fell off his face. "Oh."

"I was laughing so hard by the time I got back to the common room that I had to be given a paper bag to breathe into!"

"Hmn."

"I can't even believe that you would ever get the idea that I liked you. Bella and I mocked you behind your back for weeks after that."

"Did you, now," he said flatly.

"But seriously, Black, that was gross." She gave a final shudder. "Honestly."

"Okay, Evans."

Black abruptly started back for the castle without waiting for her. Smiling, she hurried to catch up with him. "What? Did I hurt your ego?"

"You wish."

"Yes, I do, you arrogant bastard," Lily said, suddenly feeling very cheerful. "People like you need to be taken down a peg every once in a while."

"Remember the pod, Evans," he said, glaring at her.

Lily just smiled beatifically. She wasn't going to let him take away the happy feeling she was experiencing at his expense. She hadn't felt this good in a long time. She even started to hum to herself.

When they reached the tall doors, Black turned to her and Lily paused on the steps.

"Well, Evans, as fun as it's been, may we never have another congenial chat ever again."

"Kudos to that," she said agreeably. When he didn't move immediately, she sighed and said, "That was your cue to exit, Black."

He ignored her, and Black shook his head like he couldn't believe he was about to do something. He groaned and ran a hand through his hair. Then, he looked her in the eye and said, "James is fine, Evans, but he could be better."

He left Lily standing on the steps.

*********************