Rating:: PG-13
House:: Riddikulus
Genres:: Parody
Era:: Multiple Eras
Spoilers:: Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Stats:: Published: 06/14/2002

Updated: 06/23/2002

Words: 2,323

Chapters: 3

Hits: 1,758

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

E.J. Malfoy

Story Summary:: Watch two families battle it out, the Malfoys and the Weasleys, in this crazy game show where every question is a burst of mayhem.

Chapter 01

Chapter Summary:: Watch two families battle it out, the Malfoys and the Weasleys, in this crazy game show where every question is a burst of mayhem.

Posted:: 06/14/2002

Hits:: 1,161

Wizard Family Feud: Episode #1

By E. J. Malfoy

A/N: This is just a fic I thought up out of nowhere. All of the characters (except Patty Longbottom) will always be of J. K. Rowling.

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Part 1

Opening title runs "Wizard Family Feud".

Announcer: And here’s your host, Patty Longbottom.

Patty comes out.

Patty: Welcome to Wizard Family Feud. I’m your host, Patty Longbottom. It’s the Malfoys (cheering) vs. the Weasleys (cheering). Alright, now let’s start the game (applause).

Lucius and Arthur walk up to podium where Patty is.

Patty: OK, then. We surveyed 100 witches and wizards on… people who scare you.

Lucius buzzes in first.

Lucius: Muggles.

The board goes "ding" and shows "Muggles" as No. 4 of the five on the board. It has 15 points beside it.

Patty: Now, Arthur. You still have a chance to beat him. What do you think the No. 1 is?

Arthur: (hesitantly) You-Know-Who.

People in audience gasp and say "good answer". The board goes "ding" and "You-Know Who" shows as No. 1 with 58 points behind it. Weasley family cheers. Arthur goes back to where his family is. Lucius curses the thought of Voldemort being No. 1 to himself and goes back to where his family is. Patty goes over to Weasley family.

Patty: Nicely done, Arthur. Now introduce us to your family.

Arthur: This is my more than humble wife, Molly (points to Molly); one of my sons, Ron (points at Ron); and his friends Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (points at Harry and Hermione).

Audience: (whispers) Harry Potter, the real Harry Potter.

Harry: Oh, come on, now. I’ve been alive for, what is it, 14 years. I think that the "Is it really Harry Potter" epidemic should be over by now.

Ron and Hermione: I agree (both giggle after they say it)

Patty: While we’re at it. Let’s meet the Malfoy family.

Patty walks over to Malfoys.

Patty: Lucius, introduce your family.

Lucius: This is my lovely wife, Narcissa (points at Narcissa); my son Draco (points at Draco); and his friends Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle (points at Crabbe and Goyle).

Patty: OK, then. Let’s get back to the game.

Patty goes back over to Weasleys.

Patty: Molly, tell me who scares you.

Molly: Oh, goodness. Well, how about Sirius Black.

Patty: Sirius Black. OK, let’s see if he’s on the board.

The board goes "ding" and shows "Sirius Black" as No. 3 with 27 points behind it.

Patty: Very good. Moving on, now. Ron, who scares you?

Ron: I don’t know if I should say this out loud. (Whispers answer in Patty’s ear)

Patty: Severus Snape?

The board goes "ding" and "Severus Snape" shows up as No. 5 with 7 points behind it.

Patty: Highly unusual. I would have never guessed. Moving along, now. Harry, who scares you?

Harry: I guess three-headed dogs.

Patty: Three-headed dogs?

The board goes "buzz" and "X" is shown.

Patty: Sorry. That’s not one. Moving along, now. Hermione, who scares you?

Hermione: (grumbles) It’s Hermione! Her-my-own-e! Get it right!

Patty: Sorry, Hermione. I’ll do better next time. Now, can you please answer the question?

Hermione: I would love to. How about gnomes?

Patty: Let’s see if "gnomes" is up there.

The board goes "buzz" and "XX" is shown.

Patty: Sorry. "Gnomes" isn’t up there.

Draco: (from other side) Ha ha. The smart girl doesn’t get one.

Hermione: Malfoy, I’m gonna go over there and stick your face up your…

Patty: Hey, this isn’t "Family Duel". It’s "Family Fuel", I mean, "Family Feud". Now, we are going back to Arthur. Arthur, you have one strike left. What’s your answer going to be?

Arthur thinks and thinks. After a few seconds, the time buzzer goes "buzz". The board shows "XXX"

Patty: Sorry, Arthur. Time ran out. Now, we will go over to the Malfoys.

Patty goes over to the Malfoys, who are blowing raspberries at the Weasleys.

Patty: OK, Lucius. You only have one try at this. What do you think No. 2 is?

Lucius: Albus Dumbledore.

Patty: Oh, God. Oh, well. Is it Albus Dumbledore? (Whispers) Which I seriously doubt.

The board goes "buzz" and shows "X".

Patty: It looks as if the Weasleys have earned the 107 points from the board and are in the lead.

Narcissa: I knew that was a bad answer, honey. I told you to use Arthur Weasley.

Draco: No you should have used Harry Potter. Aren’t I right Crabbe and Goyle?

Crabbe and Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

Draco: Why do I have you as friends?

Narcissa: Draco, everyone loves Harry Potter. Saying that would be stupid.

Draco: Don’t call me stupid, Mom!

Lucius: Your mother has a right to call you stupid, young man. So be stupid and like it.

Narcissa: Oh, just shut up, Lucius.

Crabbe and Goyle: Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…

Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco: Shut up!

Patty: We’ll be right back after these commercial messages. Meanwhile, we’ll try to get this down.