Draco's Diary

The Diary of Draco Malfoy

September 1

Dear JOURNAL...(not Diary. Diaries are for GIRLS... like Potter. Potter. What an idiot. I always knew he was GAY!!!!!! But will they listen to me?! Well, actually, they may. And they say I'M jealous. As if! I've got friends!!! LOADS! I can name them all RIGHT NOW!!! There's Crabbe, Goyle, and... the REST of the Slytherins!!! )

I'm at Hogwarts now. Let's see... this summer I:

1: Stayed home and helped Mum with the garden (tell ANYONE and DIE!!!)

2: Went to London and watched the muggle film Barry Porter and the Confined Room of Personal Thoughts.

3: I found my long lost teddy bear Mr. Tinky-Kins! I snuggled him and hugged him and made up for all the tea parties we missed since I was three!

4: Parkinson kept sending me owls over the summer! I even put a charm so the damn things couldn't get through!!! Here's an example of what they all said:

Dear Draco,

How are you? I miss you so much! Blah blah blah blah blah! Can't wait to see you next year!!! We can torture Potter together!

Love,

Pansy

Yeah, as if I need HER help to torment Potter. Seriously though man! I must've burned at least ten good sacks a day! Can we say, PSYCHO?

6: And finally Diary, I mean, Journal, my daddy hugged me! You see, he went to a convention on how to be a good father, and he came home and we shared a loving embrace...

YEAH RIGHT!!! And next I'll run through a meadow holding hands and skipping with Weasley!

Well, I have to go now. I'm about to go to the Common Room or go blow up toilets or something.

Later,

Draco

September 3

Dear Journal,

I took more cheap shots at Potter today for the Train incident... he ran off with Weasel as usual. I went back to my dorm and started to undress when all of a sudden I realized something...

I........HAVE......STRETCHMARKS!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it!!! I was dancing to Christina Aguilera's Dirrty as I usually do when I take off all my clothes and there they were!!! All over my bum!!! So I ran to the only person I thought could help me, which is Professor Snape. He gave me a spell to do, but then he told me to NEVER come to him again with problems about body parts covered by my underwear.

Crabbe came to me today crying because he thinks he's fat. I told him, "Who cares? None of the girls like you anyway!" Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say.

Oh, I also got bored, so I told Pansy that I would go out with her if she would get a tattoo of my name on her butt. And she believed me!!! HA! And I've also decided to take up Oragami! So far, I can make a paper swan! Cool huh?

More later,

Draco

September 5

Dear Di-..... er, Journal,

Well, I was late to potions this morning, but Professor Snape didn't let me explain the problem... he just took 5 points from Slytherin.

Here's what happened...

Ok, so I'm globbing on the usual hair gel right? Well, I was all ready to go when suddenly, a hair fell out of place!

I couldn't wash it out... it wouldn't! So I had to run to Filch's closet and steal an ice pick so I could crack it open, and MAYBE it would come out. Well, I got back to my mirror, took the ice pick, and tapped my head lightly. Unfortunately, this didn't work!!! But then, it dawned on me...

Maybe I could just put more gel in!!!

And wouldn't you know it Dia-...Journal, it worked!!! I was so happy I planted dungbombs in front of the Fat Lady portrait and set them off!

Later,

Draco