To Find a Heart

Lily Evans Potter stared out the nursery window, watching Sirius Black and Remus Lupin go down the front walk, to get far enough away from the house that they could Apperate without attracting the suspicion of the Muggles who lived near by. As she watched, Remus lagged behind Sirius a little bit, he turned and looked up at the house. She saw the light reflected in his golden-brown eyes as he raised a hand in half-wave farewell.

Lily put her hand up to the cold glass of the window, a tear forming in her eye. For all she knew this could be the last time in a long time that she would see her friends.

From the crib the baby, Harry, made a noise of impatience. Smiling weakly, Lily turned around and picked him up in her arms.

"Hungry, my angel?" she asked, as she sat in the rocking chair that James had charmed to rock itself and began to feed him from the small bottle that she had brought up. As she fed him he stared up at her with bright green eyes, the same colour green as her own. He seemed concerned, as if he was wondering why Mummy was upset.

"Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius have to go away for a while," she explained. He was a year old now, old enough to understand adult speech, just a little. "Mummy's going to miss them, ruffians that they are." She laughed at that, seeing them downstairs just five minutes ago levitating the umbrellas that Lily kept in the small round stand by the door and sword-fighting with them.

Well, Sirius had started it, but Remus joined in easily.

Remus... Remus was looking pale lately. Paler than usual. She still worried about him, though he insisted often that she shouldn't. With his parents gone though, he was pretty much on his own with little inheritance. Sirius had offered him money from the money Sirius had gotten from his uncle Alphard, but Remus had, of course, declined.

"What do you think Harry? Did Uncle Moony look pale to you?" Harry, with his solemn little eyes staring in to hers made a cooing noise around the nipple of his bottle. "I thought so too. If we weren't under orders from darling Dumbledore I'd go and fix him a proper meal. Doubtless he hasn't had one in ages."

Lily sighed. Tomorrow she would cast the Fidelius charm on Peter, and he would be their Secret Keeper. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. Sure, Peter was loyal to James, but she couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he got scared enough.

"Probably wet himself and pass out if a Death Eater so much as sneezed near him," she commented to Harry, whose eyes were closing every so often, but he would fight them open, and continue to gaze at her.

She had wanted to use Remus. He was trustworthy, quite, and could more than hold his own in a battle with the Death Eaters. He had been the best at Defense in their year, and he had recently been offered a job tracking down Red Caps in a bog near Hogwarts. James had wanted to use Sirius though. He wouldn't say exactly why, but something about the way he wouldn't meet her eyes made her think that it was to do with something besides his close friendship with Sirius.

She wanted to confront him with it, but not now. Not while they were about to be locked away together for Merlin knew how long. She had a suspicion however that Sirius and James thought Remus the spy. She knew better.

They couldn't know how she knew though, they hadn't had that conversation with him all those years ago. As Harry fought away sleep in her arms Lily looked down at him.

"Harry, love, would you like to hear a story?"

Harry, just beginning to talk, but knowing this word, murmured, "Yes".

"Well then, once there was a young girl at Hogwarts. Her name was Lily. It was her fourth year, and one evening as she looked out over the lake she saw a boy sitting there, wrapped up in a cloak, although it wasn't very cold..."

~*~

Lily dashed down the cold stone steps so fast that she almost tripped over her robes. She just had to know what Remus Lupin was doing out there without the rest of his pack; it was too good of an opportunity to waste. She slowed down as she got closer to him, intent on looking as if she was just out for a mid-evening stroll.

And, of course, that she just happened to sit next to him, and just happened to ask, "So, Lupin, where's, Pettigrew, Potter and Black? Did they fall into the lake or something?"

He was obviously startled, and he looked up at her, his shaggy brown hair half falling into his brown eyes and his mouth set into a frown. "No." he said simply, then lowered his head again to stare broodingly over the lake.

It was common knowledge that Remus Lupin was prone to these fits of moodiness, staring into the common room fire for hours at a time, but usually his comrades-in-arms were surrounding him, not allowing anyone else to get near.

"Well, I can't say I'd be disappointed if they did," Lily commented. "Honestly, Potter has an ego the size of Hagrid's tankard, Black's a prat and Pettigrew... well Pettigrew's just a little wimp."

Remus looked up again and glared at her. "Those are my friends you're talking about if you don't mind."

"Oh I don't. Look I'll say the same about my friends, Alice is a know-it-all, Trisha's a spoiled brat and Gwen spends too long in front of a mirror. Better?"

Remus let out a snort, that could have been a laugh and Lily smiled. Remus Lupin was all right, when he wasn't having an angst attack.

"That's better, then. Now come on, what are you doing out here without them?"

"There's times when I like to be alone," he replied pointedly, but Lily chose to ignore this.

"You're acting like old Severus Snape, you know, he's the one that's supposed to mope about alone."

"Oh God save me, I'm turning into an over-grown bat," Remus said with a hand to his forehead.

Lily laughed at him, and he sat up a bit straighter, with a spark in his eye. Even if he did hang out with that blasted Potter, he was all right really.

"Well then, that's a bit better. Now tell me, what's with all the melancholy?"

He shrugged, "I dunno. Moon's in Aquarius? Must there be a reason nowadays?"

Lily caught the moon reference, though she wasn't about to tell him that. She knew what he was; it wasn't that hard to figure out after all. He was sick every full moon, just like all of the werewolves in the storybooks she had read as a little girl, when she pretended to be a witch.

"I suppose not," she said, knowing that he meant the rumours being passed around about recent deaths. Powerful witches and wizards being killed by a man calling himself the Dark Lord Voldemort. "But why are you so worried now? Did someone you know-?" she paused, not sure how to phrase it, but he was already shaking his head.

"No... It's not that... It's just... They say he's going after followers and I- I just think that once we get out into the world he might try to... try to recruit me."

Lily's eyes widened, but she quickly regained control of herself. "What makes you think you're that special?" she joked. "If anyone it'll be Black, look at that awful bint he's got for a cousin." She was referring, of course, to Bellatrix Lestrange who had only recently tried to hex her in the corridors.

Remus didn't laugh, so Lily tried another tactic. She moved closer to him and pulled her knees up to her chest.

"I know why you're worried," she said in a hushed voice. He turned to her quickly, his eyes accusing. "I know," she repeated, "And I know that it is not because you're great at defense either, and they'd want you for that. But Remus, you're not a Dark Creature, no matter what they may tell you. You've got a good heart."

He looked away from her, staring at an owl that was flying towards the owlery with a mouse in its beak. "Who says?" he asked, in a shaking voice. "Who says I'm not just as bad as the ones killing, and that one day I'll turn around and do it myself?" His tone grew louder as he spoke, and he looked back at her with a firey hot look that could have melted ice.

Luckily, Lily Evans was fire herself, and you should always fight fire with fire.

"Remus, don't be an idiot. Who's the one that tutors first years in his spare time? Who gives the third years tours of Hogsmeade every year and who spent hours with Hagrid training that Crup he got, and took home one of its puppies?" Remus's look was softening slightly and Lily put a hand on his arm.

"You've got a good heart, Remus, I know that. No matter what anyone may ever say. Remember that, okay?"

A soft smile spread across his face, and he was immediately her nice, mischievous year-mate. "All right, Lily, I will." Then he slowly leaned towards her, shyly, and before she knew it his lips were on hers.

It was a quick kiss, and they were both blushing as they broke apart and ran back up to the castle, a suitable distance apart. It never happened again, though once or twice they came close. Once she started dating James it was never an option, and once she knew how long James had liked her she knew why it never had been an option before.

~*~

Harry had long ago fallen asleep in her arms, but she enjoyed holding him, his heavy head on her arm, and his soft breathing relaxing her. Remus loved Harry too, and if it had been her she would've made him Harry's godfather, but it was always James and Sirius, and she had to respect that.

She stood up, gently placed Harry in his crib, spun his mobile and smiled at the four animals on it, a stag, a rat, a dog and a wolf. In his crib there was a stuffed black dog, and he quickly curled his small hand around the tufty tail of the wolf that sat next to it.

"Good night Harry," she whispered, as she turned to go back to the window. Outside the sun had set, and the moon and stars were appearing. It was a half moon, Remus was safe for now. "Good night, Moony," she said, staring out into the darkness, wondering if he was thinking of her too. Then she left the nursery and went downstairs to console James as he bemoaned the fact that he might not see his friends again for some time.