Hero

I woke up this morning to the dull clanging ring of my telephone.

The dirt still clung to my hair. The stink of the graveyard and the faint smell of smoke still lingered on my skin and clothes. I forgot to get undressed last night or was it the night before last? Sometimes I forget where each night ends and next begins. They're all so much the same.

Kill the Death Eater.

Be the hero.

Heel.

Sit.

Good boy.

I can hear his voice in the back of my mind, taunting me for my obedience. Not really, of course, since he's dead he doesn't have much to say these days. But I know what he would say well enough to know that it would be something like that. I know he would sneer. I know he would mock me.

I almost wish he could.

At least that would be something.

Something noteworthy, something to make one night different from the next or the last. Something...

I was the one who killed him, of course.

I don't regret it.

But sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder.

Would these nights be different if he were still here to fight with me?

The phone has rung too many times to count and the machine finally kicks on. I can hear the dull, forced cheerfulness of my own voice in the greeting.

"This is Harry. Sorry I'm not in, but leave a message and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

The beep that follows the greeting seems too loud, as does the voice which follows the beep.

"Harry? Harry, are you there?"

Of course I'm here. Where else would I be? It's the middle of the day and I don't leave the flat during the day anymore, not when I can help it. There's too many people out there who know my face, know my name. Too many people who want to touch, see, speak to me.

Too many people who call me hero.

Too many people who want to shake my hand.

Clap my shoulder.

Hug me to them.

"Harry, if you're there, pick up."

But I won't. She knows I won't. I don't want to pick up the receiver and exchange pleasant lies with her today.

Not today or tomorrow or the day after that.

I just want to be left alone.

All my life I wanted to be noticed, to be seen.

And now all I want is to disappear.

To fade away.

But I won't.

Heroes don't fade. It simply isn't done that way. Heroes are immortalized through verse and song. They live forever in the words and stories of a grateful people.

But that's what I want.

To be somewhere far from this time and place where no one knows my name.

Where no one knows my face.

Where no one cares at all.

"Harry, you can't go on like this. I know it's rough, but... it's rough for me too."

Is it? To be praised a hero, while a true hero is rotting in the ground? To try and tell them the truth only to discover the truth isn't what they want.

They never want the truth.

They want the legend.

The myth.

The hero.

"Harry, please. Look, I just want... I just want to talk to you. I miss him... I miss you."

I miss me, too. Just as I miss him and her and all the others. I miss them, but I won't pick up the phone. Picking up the phone would be admitting that things could be the same as they'd always been.

Admitting that I could be the same as I'd always been.

Admitting that the world hadn't changed at all.

"Harry... I'm worried about you. You never call me anymore. Ever since..."

She's going to start crying again. She always cries on my machine's shoulder, probably because my shoulder's always away.

"Why won't you talk to me, Harry? Why won't you talk to anyone?"

Because I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to be left alone.

"I know you're still doing work for the Ministry, but... I... I think you've done enough. You don't have to do anymore. I mean, Voldemort's dead and..."

I'm aware of that. I'm aware that my purpose has been fulfilled. But, what is a hero after his villain is vanquished?

What is a hero when there's no one left to fight?

"I miss you so much, Harry."

I wish she wouldn't call here anymore.

I wish I wasn't here for her to call.

"... Goodbye, Harry."

The answer machine clicks and whirls as she hangs up and the little message light blinks on.

It's been blinking like that for days.

Just another constant in my life.