Snape in the Land of the Mary Sues

One day while browsing the Apothecary in Diagon Alley Severus saw it. There it was, sitting on the shelf, pushed back on the shelf and illuminated by the dim light, yet perfectly recognizable to the man who could discern any of his own potions ingredients no matter how far pushed back on the shelf or how dimly illuminated. It was the slimy thing that would compete the potion he'd been dying to make for years, the Omnipotence Potion-the one that would give him all the power in the universe.

Drooling like a certain Sheriff of Nottingham he strongly resembled Severus reached for the ingredient. He put one long, thin hand around it and snatched.

Before he could say Mwuahahaha he was transported to a beautiful tropical island with sugar-white sandy beaches and gently-lapping sapphire blue water. He looked around himself. Palm and date trees rustled in the gentle ocean breeze. Where was he? He was in a perfectly wonderful dim, dusty shop in Diagon Alley, and then suddenly he was on this disgustingly blinding beach. What had happened? Could the elusive ingredient have been....a portkey?

Just then a drop-dead gorgeous, buxom young woman walked up to the greasy git and stared seductively into his eyes. "What was this all about? Hmmmm..." thought Severus, the corners of his mouth curling upwards, becoming interested because he was essentially a man.

Just then he noticed another beautiful young woman with long, golden hair wearing lacy robes running up the beach to him. Behind her was a gorgeous woman with black hair wearing tight, skimpy black leather.

"Professor," they were calling.

"There's something wrong here," thought Snape, for he was also a man who wasn't used to great amounts of female attention, due to his greasy hair, and therefore automatically thought something must be wrong.

He looked the other direction and saw three more sexy, scantily-clad girls.

Snape decided to run for it.

Up the bank he went. He ran through the tropical underbrush to a resort hotel. Good, he had lost the girls. Maybe he could hide in here. He ran up the steps and through the arch into the building. When he read the sign behind the front desk his blood went cold.

It said, "Welcome to the Land of the Mary Sues".

The lady behind the counter was sexy, seductive, sophisticated, and definitely Slytherin. When she saw the Potions Master she drew her perfectly painted lips into a slow smile.

"Your room is ready, Professor," she said.

"What?" was all he could manage in reply.

"Oh, yes, this is the land of the Mary Sues. Everything here is tailor-made for you."

"Really?" snorted Snape.

Snape snatched his key from the still smiling clerk and stalked off upstairs to his room.

When he got there he saw one of the maids. Obviously this place didn't bother with house elves. The maid was a tall, slender woman with mile-long legs wearing a very skimpy French Maid's outfit and black fishnets. She brushed her feather duster sexily over her bottom lip and said, "Welcome, sir. I have just finished supplying your room with plush Slytherin green towels and 400-count black Egyptian cotton sheets. The windows are dressed with heavy black velvet curtains, and the candles have been lighted. Iced champagne and bottle of Ogden's finest have been provided too. She slowly reached down to suggestively adjust her silver and green garters. "If you need anything ring the bell and I'll come immediately." She smiled at the last words.

"Erm, yes," said Severus, slipping into the room as quickly as he could.

The room, although on the second floor, looked surprisingly like his dungeon. There were heavy wooden chairs and a black leather sofa and a huge, old-fashioned four-poster bed with-you guessed it- black hangings. "Obviously they didn't mean for this to feel like a vacation," Snape grumbled.

Just then a very wet and quite naked voluptuous young woman wearing a plush green towel stepped out of his bathroom.

"Oh, there you are," she said silkily. "I was wondering when you'd get here."

Snape quickly left the room.

He decided to try to get some respite out in the courtyard. That was a big mistake. All around him were women who seemed to be designed to catch his eye. Women making potions. Women practicing dark arts. Women reading huge, dusty tomes. Some looked up and smiled. Some scowled. Some just continued doing what they were doing originally and pretended-mark-PRETENDED not to notice him.

One of the youngest and loveliest, with curly flaxen hair and violet eyes went up to him and took his hand, gazing meaningfully into his eyes.

"I can help ease your pain," she said.

"My God," said Snape in the voice that Alan Rickman uses in situations like this. "I'm not a sex maniac!"

Snape ran through the building and out the back door. He ran down a path through the picturesque mango grove with hundreds of beautiful women of all descriptions, tall, short, slender, curvy, black-haired, blonde, red-headed with all colors of beautiful eyes and all manner of clothing running after him. He found himself clambering up the side of a volcano with all the women practically on the tail of his frock coat. He wound up at the volcano's rim, looking down one way into bubbling lava and the other onto the heads of all those lust-filled women clambering up after him.

"WHAT DO I DO!?" Snape cried in all caps.

Suddenly a voice that sounded suspiciously like Dumbledore's came out of the sky. "To escape the land of the Mary Sues you must give up the one thing you treasure most," it said.

Snape gasped. What could that possibly be? Then he noticed that he was still carrying the long-longed-for potions ingredient.

"Yes, that," said the voice. "Throw it into the volcano."

"Headmaster Dumbledore," grumbled Snape, "You manipulative bastard, if you weren't my benefactor I swear I'd-wait, can't I take out the ingredient and just throw the jar in?"

"No," said Dumbledore. "That won't work."

So, saying every curse he knew-and fortunately for the world not holding his wand at the time- he reluctantly, extremely reluctantly, extended the arm attached to the hand holding the potions ingredient over the bubbling pool of lava. He turned his head and noticed that the wall of girls was nearly on him. They might even push him in with their ardor. He let go.

The minute the ingredient hit the molten rock Snape span through the air, everything becoming a blur around him. Soon he found himself back at the front gates of Hogwarts (not where he started from, but hey, it's a plot device). He was lying down on the ground.

He looked around. No wall of Mary Sues was there. There wasn't a woman in sight. Signing with relief he sat up.

Just then he found himself looking into a pair of soft brown eyes full of concern. They were in the face of a pretty teenager with wild brown hair.

"Professor, are you all right?" said her full, pouty lips.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" yelped Snape, turning around and running down the road to Hogwarts. He had escaped the Land of the Mary Sues just to find himself face-to-face with....Mary Sue Hermione!