Interview With Severus Snape

Interview With Severus Snape

INTERVIEWER: Good evening Mr. Snape...

That's Professor Snape to you, Miss... Miss... what did you say your name was again?

INTERVIEWER: Quigley. Drusilla Quigley for the National Inquirer. So you're a professor? What do you teach?

I am potions master here at Hogwarts.

INTERVIEWER: Very interesting indeed.

Yes. Quite.

INTERVIEWER: Do you enjoy teaching?

I can tell you aren't a teacher. But, yes, I must admit, sometimes I do. Only when it's the Slytherins that I'm teaching.

INTERVIEWER: And your other students?

Some are tolerable. But most are either useless twits who just barely pass my class, annoying brats who don't know how to keep their mouths shut, or incurable know-it-alls. There have been a few that I've had the desire to throttle. I've managed to restrain myself thus far, however.

INTERVIEWER: I see you must really love kids.

About as much as they love me, Miss Quigley.

INTERVIEWER: A perfect lead-in to my next question. Do your students like you?

Allow me to let you in on a little secret. The best teachers are hated and feared, and therefore respected, by their students. I believe in this strongly, so naturally most of my students detest me. But there are the select few who have what it takes to be successful in my class. They respect me, and they even like me. We call them Slytherins.

INTERVIEWER: So, the "Slytherins" must be your teacher's pets? Most people would frown on such favoritism.

I show no favoritism. I treat everyone with the respect they deserve. I can't help it that some students are less respectable than others.

INTERVIEWER: That's extremely twisted logic.

It works for me.

INTERVIEWER: If you don't mind my saying, Professor, you don't seem the type that works with children.

Oh? What sort of person do I strike you as, then?

INTERVIEWER: Perhaps the evil megalomaniacal type? Or at least a mindless lackey to one.

Tried that. Didn't like it.

INTERVIEWER: And why not? It sounds like a fun sort of thing to do. Besides, it's totally you.

I don't appreciate your tone, Miss Quigley. Ten points from Gryffindor.

INTERVIEWER: Pardon me, Professor, but who's Gryffindor?

What do you mean, "Who's Gryffindor?" Umm... never mind. Sorry. Force of habit, you see. My normal reaction when I'm angry about something.

INTERVIEWER: I see... Is Gryffindor a student that is particularly troublesome?

A group of students, Miss Quigley. A house. But yes. They're troublesome. The lot of them.

INTERVIEWER: Okay, moving on, why don't we discuss your personal life? Outside your job.

Why don't we not and say we did?

INTERVIEWER: All right, in that case... What did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher?

Nobody sets out to be a teacher. At least nobody who despises children as much as I do. To tell the truth, I don't really recall what I wanted to be when I grew up. I try not to think of my youth.

INTERVIEWER: In other words, you had a traumatizing childhood?

To put it simply.

INTERVIEWER: You do seem the type. You wouldn't mind telling me about it, would you?

I would mind very much. If you're going to ask me silly questions like that, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my office and waste someone else's time. Try the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. He's always glad to entertain nosy press people. Or perhaps Rubeus Hagrid. He's as dim as he is ugly, and would gladly give you any information you want. A loose lipped twit, Hagrid.

INTERVIEWER: So basically, you're saying you aren't going to tell me anything more about yourself?

Very good. You're brighter than you look. Now go away. You're beginning to grate my nerves.

INTERVIEWER: One last thing before I go... Not really a question, just a bit of advice. Your hair... you probably ought to wash it now and then. And perhaps brush your teeth while you're at it?

That's it. Out of my office. Out. Go on. One... no, two detentions! And another ten points from Gryffindor...

INTERVIEWER: I'm not a Gryffindor... I'm not even a student here...

Then you don't belong here, do you? Get lost, before I get angry.

INTERVIEWER: Nice meeting you, Professor Sunshine. Good day.