Memories

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

Harry was lying on the hard wood floor of his bed room, thinking about Sirius... and how if he'd not listened to his gut for once Sirius would still be here. Hermione had been absolutely correct like always. Voldemort was trying to lure him to the Department of Mysteries and to the dais so Sirius would play hero, save and die for him.

He remembered as though it happened just a second ago. He didn't miss a second or a footstep or a breath. That night played over and over in his head from the time he, Ron( who couldn't figure how to get on), Hermione, Neville, Ginny, and Luna Lovegood got on the thestrals down to the very pitfall of Sirius passing through the veil. That had been the end of it and the start of Harry's depression...

"How are we supposed to get on?" Ron asked faintly. "When we can't see the things?"

"Oh, it's easy," said Luna, sliding obligingly from her thestral and marching over to him, Hermione, and Ginny. "Come here. . . ."

She pulled them over to the other thestrals standing around and one by one managed to help them onto the backs of their mounts. All three looked extremely nervous as she wound their hands into the horses' manes and told them to grip tightly before getting back onto her own steed.

"This is mad," Ron said faintly, moving his free hand gingerly up and down the horse's neck. "Mad . . . if I could just see it --"

"You'd better hope it stays invisible," Harry said sharply. "We all ready, then?"

They all nodded and he saw five pairs of knees tighten beneath their robes.

"Okay . . ."

He looked down at the back of his thetral's glossy black head and swallowed. "Ministry of Magic, visitors' entrance, London, then," he said uncertainly. "Er . . . if you know . . . where to go . . ."

And after that they had been off. He hoped to never fly a thestral again. He remembered how relieved he had been when he saw that they were almost there.

They were descending at last. . . . He heard one of the girls shriek behind him and twisted around dangerously but could see no sign of a falling body. . . . Presumably they had received a shock from the change in position, just as he had. . . .

. . . .Quite suddenly, it seemed, they were hurtling toward the pavement. Harry gripped the thestral with every last ounce of his strength, braced for a sudden impact, but the horse touched the dark ground as lightly as a shadow and Harry slid from his back, looking around at the street where the overflowing dumpster still stood a short way from the vandalized telephone box, both drained of color in the flat orange glare of the streetlights.

Ron landed a short way away and toppled immediately off his thestral onto the pavement.

"Never again," he said, struggling to his feet. He made as though to stride away from his thestral, but, unable to see it, collided with its hindquarters and almost fell over again. "Never, ever again . . . that was the worst --"

Hermione and Ginny touched down on either side of him. Both slid off their mounts a little more gracefully than Ron, though with similar expressions of relief at being back on firm ground. Neville jumped down, shaking, but Luna dismounted smoothly.

"Where do we go from here, then?" she asked Harry in a politely interested voice, as though all this was a rather interesting day-trip.

"Over here," he said. He gave the thestral a quick, grateful pat, then led the way quickly to the battered telephone box and opened the door. "Come on!" he urged the others as they hesitated.

Ron and Ginny marched obediently; Hermione, Neville, and Luna squashed themselves in after them; Harry took one glance back at the thestrals, now foraging for scraps of rotten food inside the dumpster, then forced himself into the box after Luna.

"Whoever's nearest to the receiver, dial six two four four two!" he said.

Ron did it, his arm bent bizarrely to reach the dial. As it whirred back into place the cool female voice sounded inside the box, "Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business."

"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger," Harry said very quickly, "Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood . . . We're here to save someone, unless your Ministry can do it first!"

"Thank you," said the cool female voice. "Visitors, please take the badges and attach them to the front of your robes."

Half a dozen badges slid out the metal chute where returned coins usually appeared. Hermione scooped them up and handed them mutely to Harry over Ginny's head;

He remembered looking at his badge and it had said, "HARRY POTTER RESCUE MISSION"

He remembered it taking what seemed like forever to have his wand checked at the security desk and how Ginny fought to have her, Luna and Neville go with them. If anything had happened to Ginny he wouldn't have been able to live with himself. He can hardly stay alive knowing that he caused Sirius' death.

He remembered hearing the voices behind the veil in the Department of Mysteries. The voice no one else heard but him and Luna. She could hear them too.

"Nobody's talking, Harry!" Hermione said, now moving over to him.

"Someone's whispering behind there," he said, moving out of her reach and continuing to frown at the veil. "Is that you, Ron?"

"I'm here, mate," Ron said, appearing around the side of the archway.

"Can't anyone else hear it?" Harry demanded, for the whispering and murmuring was becoming louder; without really meaning to put it there, he found his foot was on the dais.

"I can hear them too," breathed Luna, joining them around the side of the archway and gazing at the swaying veil. "There are people in there!"

That very veil still haunts his dreams. And then Hermione...

What do you mean, 'in there'?" she demanded, jumping down from the bottom step and sounding much angrier than the occasion warranted. "There isn't any 'in there', its just an archway, there's no room for anybody to be there --Harry, stop it, come away --"

She grabbed his arm and pulled but he resisted.

She reminded him that they were there for one reason and one alone; to "save" Sirius. In the end, they'd done the exact opposite. And when he finally reached the one door that had been in his dreams... it had been locked. He remembered trying to open it with Sirius's knife. Only it melted and the door hadn't opened.

Despite this Harry had had it repaired in Sirius' memory and it was sharper than ever. He pulled it from under his bed and held it dangerously above his head, examining it. He put it by his side and continued to wrack his memory for the last time. After this, he would never relive his memories of Sirius. They wouldn't bring him back.

Then they'd entered the diamond-sparkling lit room where he'd thought would lead him to Sirius; it hadn't led him to Sirius but Sirius to him and to his death. After searching the room high and low, finding nothing he felt a pang of disappointment.

And then Hermione said, "I don't think Sirius is here."

And he continued to walk down into the aisle when Ron showed him his fake prophecy. The one that later broke. The one that had said:

S.P.T to A.P.W.R.D.

Dark Lord

and Harry Potter

He couldn't find out what the letters stood for. And then Lucius Malfoy had demanded the prophecy or that he would "start using wands" and Harry continued to demand for Sirius.

And when he shouted, "Protego" at the witch known as Bellatrix who tried to say, "Accio Proph --", the one who murdered Sirius and made him fall through the veil, passed the dais.

"Oh, he knows how to play, little, bitty baby Potter," she said, her mad eyes staring through the slits in her hood. "Very well, then --"

"I TOLD YOU NO!" Lucius Malfoy roared. at the woman. "If you smash it --!"

And later when he made the brilliant plan of smashing the shelves. And they had to make a run for it while the glass balls were shattering, just after Lucius began to tell him about his scar and why he had it; how it dealt with the Department of Mysteries.

Harry heard something large and heavy collide with the door Hermione had charmed shut.

"Stand aside!" said a rough voice. "Alohomora!"

As the door flew open, Harry, Hermione, and Neville dived under desks.

...The second Death Eater, however, had leapt aside to avoid Harry's spell and now pointed his own wand at Hermione, who had crawled from under the desk to get a better aim.

"Avada --"

Harry launched himself across the floor and grabbed the Death Eater around the knees, causing him to topple and his aim to go awry.

He had saved her that time but thought he had gotten her killed later on when Dolohov shot the purple flame at her chest.

She gave a tiny "oh!" as though of surprise and then crumpled onto the floor where she lay motionless.

"HERMIONE!"

Harry fell to his knees beside her... And after they had gotten rid of Dolohov, Neville checked her pulse and Harry was relieved immensely to hear she had a pulse.

And finally after much running and worry, Sirius showed up with Tonks, Lupin, Moody, and Kingsley. And then Sirius told him to go...

"Harry, take the prophecy, grab Neville, and run!" Sirius yelled, dashing to meet Bellatrix. Harry did not see what happened next;

And then the prophecy broke; Neville couldn't catch it. He remembered it being so loud he couldn't hear the prophecy even after it smashed. He grabbed Neville and began to drag him up the steps when Neville shouted. "Dubbledore!"

"What?"

"DUBBLEDORE!"

...Dumbledore sped down the steps past Neville and Harry, who had no more thought of leaving. Dumbledore was already at the foot of the steps when the Death Eaters nearest realized he was there. There were yells; one of the Death Eaters ran for it, scrabbling like a monkey up the stone steps opposite. Dumbledore's spell pulled him back as easily and effortlessly as though he had hooked him with an invisible line --

Only one couple were still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light: He was laughing at her. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.

Harry could feel the tears burning in his eyes again.

The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.

The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.

Harry released Neville, though he was unaware of doing so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand, as Dumbledore turned to the dais too.

It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. . . .

And Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil. . .

Bellatrix had given a triumphant scream but assumed it meant nothing and that Sirius would reappear through the dais. But Sirius did not reappear.

"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled. "SIRIUS!"

He remembered running for the dais and Lupin holding him back saying, "There's nothing you can do, Harry . . . nothing . . . He's gone."

"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled.

. . ."SIRIUS!" Harry bellowed, "SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry," said Lupin. . . "He can't come back because he's d --"

"HE -- IS -- NOT - DEAD!" roared Harry. "SIRIUS!"

. . .But part of him realized (as Lupin had been dragging him from the dais), even as he fought to break free from Lupin, that Sirius had never kept him waiting before . . . Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him. . . . If Sirius was not reappearing out of that archway when Harry was yelling for him as though his life depended on it, the only possible explanation was that he could not come back. . . . That he really was . . .

Gone. Sirius was gone. The closest thing he ever really had to a father and a brother, depending on how you looked at it. But it didn't matter how he looked at it anymore because he would never be able to look at Sirius again if he didn't do this... He would never see anyone again. He had decided... How hard could it be to kill yourself? It couldn't be that bad.

He'd just have to...

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

Harry grabbed Sirius's knife from his side and sat up. He took it in his trembling hands and brought it dangerously close to his abdomen. He would have to stand if he was going to do this. But something made him stop...

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

What about Ron and Hermione? Hermione, thought Harry. A strange feeling swept over him, making him smile for a second and he dropped the knife to the floor. It was unfamiliar with him and he didn't know what it could be. Was he falling for her?

He couldn't just leave Hermione and Ron like that. He'd have to write to them first... no. He couldn't do this to them. To Hermione and Ron. They cared way too much about him. Why, I'll never know...

He sighed and kicked the knife back under his bed. He'd have to suffer alive with the rest of them. Just then the door shot open and Harry's extremely moody, red-faced Uncle Vernon was staring down at him. Well, rather eye-to-eye; Harry had grown much since his first year at Hogwarts and had grown an inch or so taller than his uncle.

"Its almost time for you to call your lot again," he growled.

"Watch your temper around me, Uncle Vernon," Harry teased.

Vernon leaned forward to whack Harry but then Harry said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Seeing as my lot (Tonks, Moody, and Lupin) might come over to have a little talk with you to show you what happens when you aren't nice to me."

He found it quite funny that he could tease Dudley and Vernon and Petunia after Moody threatened Vernon last year.

..."Yeah if we get any hint that Potter's been mistreated in any way, you'll have us to answer to," Moody said.

He had to hold a laugh back. Vernon was turning red with frustration of not being able to hurt his nephew now.

"You wouldn't want them to come around would you?" Harry asked. Vernon said nothing. "That's what I thought. Now is there anything you wanted to tell me?"

"We're going out," he muttered angrily.

"We?" Harry asked.

"We, as in your aunt, Dudley, and I. You can stay here," he said.

"You do that," Harry said throwing his voice up.

"Stay out of Dudley's room and out of the fridge."

"Yes sir," Harry said sarcastically.

Vernon grumbled. He turned on his fat heel and slammed Harry's door.

Harry on the other hand was continued to endure his sadness of remembering Sirius. He wasn't going to kill himself anymore. Sirius was gone and there was nothing to be done. Maybe he'd take a nap. . . right on the floor, rather.

Why did everything have to happen to him? Why was it he was the one who would have to fight Voldemort in the end and kill him or be killed? Why is it that his parents were killed at his birth and he was left with the Dursleys? Why is it that he felt he was falling for his best friend? Why was it he never knew about the prophecy until Lucius Malfoy told him? Everything happened to him. He didn't want it that way anymore.

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

He rolled over on his stomach and hid his head with his arms. A single tear went tap on the stained wooden floor. And he had one last conscious thought before sleep carried him away:

I miss you, Sirius. . .