Gradually and then Suddenly

"There is a classic moment in
'The Sun Also Rises' when someone
asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt,
and all he can say in response is,
'Gradually and then suddenly.' When
someone asks how I lost my mind, that
is all I can say too."
-- Elizabeth Wurtzel

It was cold a lot. Back then. Cold and dark and dreary. I constantly remember being cold, trying to sit close to the fire in the common room. Trying to get warm. In more ways than one, I suppose. To warm my fingers, yes, but maybe my heart. Maybe my love receptors. Do I even have those? But I was still trying to get warm. I need to get warm. Because it was cold a lot. Back then. But now it's even...colder. And darker and drearier.

I have so much to do. I have to...make toast for the kids. No, don't have to do that, I don't have kids. I don't have anything. Not anymore. Not since...since that day.

Have you ever lost something before? I'm not talking about misplacing a quill or a parchment or some trivial thing that has no significance whatsoever. But something important. Something valuable in every way possible. Imagine losing your mind. Wouldn't that be dreadful? Because I think I lost mine. No, no. Don't laugh, because it's not bloody funny. D'you hear? It's not bloody funny. I mean, I've walked through downtown places and have occasionally seen people who seem to have lost their minds. Petting stuffed animals. Singing to walls. That wouldn't be me, though. This is...different. I think it happened on that day. What day? Well, the only day that matters, really. The day everything fell apart. Literally.

It was Harry and Ron and I. Walking. Somewhere. Hogwarts, I think. Yes, of course. Hogwarts. To Charms. Fifth year. To which we were late...because we had to...no. No. NO! We had been running to warn them. It was Voldemort, and he was coming. He was attacking..somehow...but how?! We were safe. Supposed to be safe. Were we safe? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US! He was supposed to protect me. Harry. Harry...you were supposed to be the one. You were supposed to stop it. THIS SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED! But it did. Didn't it? Are you gone? Are you really? Can I just pretend you aren't? That you and Ron are here, and that I'm writing you a letter?

Harry and Ron,

Hello. Isn't it a gorgeous day? We're late for Charms class, you know. We should hurry up...Charms, you know. Great class. Is it cold there, Harry? Because it's cold here. And I'm alone here. Where have you and Ron got to? You didn't die, did you? You didn't go and get yourself FUCKING MURDERED, DID YOU?! HARRY?! WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME?! WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING SAVE ME, TOO?! We could have died together. All of us. Together. I wouldn't have had to see you crying there. Over me. Because you didn't save me. Because you chose to save Ron. Or Dumbledore. Or even Malfoy. You chose one of the only people you truly despise over me. Your friend. And don't you deny it. Don't you dare try to deny it. I HEARD YOU! I HEARD YOU, HARRY! YOU DIDN'T EVEN HESITATE! You didn't even hesitate. That was the only flaw to Voldemort's plan. He thought you would be too kind, too caring, too human to let him kill your one of your best friends while you saved the world. And he was wrong, Harry. We all were. All your fans. All your fucking worshippers.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't see you graduate. That I couldn't graduate with you. Because I'm stuck here. In this cold place. I don't even know where I am, Harry. But I'm in my 15 year old body. In my fifth year robes. Eternally. Forever. This little girl who's mind had grown up without her body. But I don't have a mind. No. Nothing has grown up. I lost my mind. I LOST MY MIND! I know because I follow those rats around my feet. I follow them fast with my once studious eyes. And they go quick, but I follow them. And they keep going, Harry. Forever and ever. I can't fathom how far. Not even in bananas or cucumbers or broomsticks.

I saw you kiss Ginny, Harry. Just that once. That once before she was married off to that well-to-do business man who worked for the Ministry. You tried to STEAL HER, you bastard! You would have saved Ginny, wouldn't you? Because I can see everything here. Just like I'm dreaming. I saw Ron and you and I walking down the Charms corridor. Running. SCREAMING! CRYING! WE WERE JUST GOING TO CHARMS! TO WARN THEM! Because we were late. Charms, you know. Great class. Smashing class. Fucking wonderful class. You saved that class. And you lost me.

What am I doing, Hermione? Huh? What am I doing? Thiiiiink Hermione. Thiiiink about what you're doing. Harry will never read this. Ron will never read this. No one will ever read this. You're not even writing this, Hermione. This is all in your mind. You lost your mind, poor girl. It's okay. You were just late for Charms. That was all. And then you were killed. It was okay. Harry didn't save you. Don't cry. No. No, please. Be reasonable. Don't cry. You're pathetic. You know that? YOU'RE FUCKING PATHETIC!!! You're crying over how you're dead and alone. Dead dead dead. Are you scared, Hermione? ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?! You should be. You damn well should be.

So goodbye, Harry. I won't be meeting you and Ron for Charms class. Not today. I have to get some rest. Being 'Crucio'ed to death really takes it out of someone. It hurts. A lot. Sometimes it gets cold, and that hurt begs my missing mind to remember how much that pain hurt, just so I can get my mind off this cold. This darkness. This dreariness.

Is that hard to understand? You must forgive me, because I seem to have misplaced my mind.

~fin