Harry Potter and the Return to the Riddle House -- The Spoof!

http://www.mugglenet.com/moviespoofs.shtml

They're around the middle.


* * * * *

Harry Potter and the Return to the Riddle House

--*THE SPOOF*--

[Harry] Sigh. Angst. Misery.

[Aunt Petunia] *screeches*

[Harry] Sigh. Eggplant. Gloom.

[Dudley] Uh... hey, Dad! Look, a chance for me to win a trophy!

[Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia] Where?!

[Dudley] *dumps food onto Harry's plate* I've been building up fat reserves for sixteen years now. I can starve for a while.

[Harry] Sigh.

[Dursleys] Well, we better get conveniently out of here so you can get back to Grimmauld Place! Dudley-- let's go bask in your glow and severely screw up your grasp on your own greatness!

[Dudley] All right! I'm still perfect!

[Harry] At least my grades are passing. Hey, Potions is alright-- Dumbledore must be involved!

* * * * *

[Harry] Sigh. Quidditch! Alright.

[Tonks] BOO!

[Harry] *jumps* Why don't you guys ever call ahead?

[Lupin] At least we fooled the Dursleys again. A little disappointment will be good for Dudders.

[Harry] Revenge is sweet.

[Lupin] We're really sorry we have to take you back to the only place you ever lived with your godfather who was the only person you could really connect to and had to see miserable and beat yourself up about killing... but Kreacher is gone! Wait... that might be dangerous because he might be revealing highly guarded secrets about one of the only places where you're safe against the most evil man in history who wants to kill you... uh...

[Tonks] Sucks for you.

[Harry] Tell me about it.

* * * * *

[Harry] Well, we're here... sigh. Continued angst.

[Ron] Harry!

[Harry] Ron!

[Ron] Harry!

[Hermione] Harry!

[Harry] Hermione!

[Hermione] Harry!

[Ron] Hermione!... damn, no hug...

[Hermione] We're both here for you, Harry...

[Harry] That's my cue to push you away. I'm going to go sulk.

[Ron] Yep, he's back.

[Hermione] Shut up.

* * * * *

[Ron] Harry, something's going on... ah! It's dark... whimper...

[Harry] Sticking our nose into Order business has never gotten us into trouble before!

I'll get Hermione!

[Rachel] I'm freaking pale in this moonlight... and my hair is so greasy in the summer...

[Harry] Hm, she's pretty.

[Snape] *bursts in* I'm here to increase the dramatic ten... *dramatic pause* Rose?

[Rachel] Rachel.

[Snape] Sorry. Given that I haven't seen you in sixteen years...

[Rachel] Somehow I can already tell who you are.

[Snape] Yes, Rachel... I AM YOUR FATHER!!

[Rachel] NOOOO-- oh, wait. Yeah, that's what I figured.

[Trio] Wha-- is-- how-- who-- the shock!!

[Harry] Yep, I'll definitely end up snogging her.

[Readers] This looks familiar...

[Pottermaven] Shut up.

* * * * *

[Harry] Sigh.

[Rachel] Sigh.

[Harry] Hmm... hi...

[Ian] I'm cute! And apparently too young to grasp the concept of death and hanging around creepy old houses! Let's be social!

[Rachel] If you insist...

[Ron] Do dee do... this isn't an awkward breakfast at all...

[Mrs. Weasley] Don't worry, Rachel, I'm well used to being the universal-mother-nurturer-comforter-occasional-smotherer around here. Eat!

[Owl] S'up, biotches? Have a letter.

[Harry] Yay, booklists! We get to get out of the house!

[Newspaper] MINISTER OF MAGIC IMPEACHED! CONFUSION IN THE STREETS! DEATH EATERS! A SALE AT MADAM MALKINS'! FORESHADOWING!

[Mrs. Weasley] Sigh, we couldn't buy quite enough sausages again...

[Newspaper] FORESHADOWING!

* * * * *

[Ginny] Well, we're at Diagon Alley... hey, another newspaper!

[Newspaper] WEASLEY TASK FORCE RUNNING FOR SENIOR AND JUNIOR UNDERSECRETARY! TOLD YOU!

[Mrs. Weasley] What?!

[Ron] Whoopee! I don't have to wear Percy's old underwear anymore!

[Mrs. Weasley] Of course, he might not win...

[Ron] My ears are going to burst into flame.

* * * * *

[Mrs. Weasley] I'm not nervous. I'm not. I wonder if they've counted the votes yet. I hope he wins... we could buy Ron actual clothing...

[Ron] I'll never live that down, will I?

[Rachel] Mrs. Weasley, you're unraveling your sweater...

[Mrs. Weasley] I've never burned a dinner before... at least not that badly... he couldn't win, could he? Maybe he could. But maybe he couldn't. But what if he does? And what if...

[Ron] Mum, you're talking to yourself again.

[Mrs. Weasley] Mumblemumblenewcloakmumbleworkloadmumble...

[Mr. Weasley] I'm home... and we didn't win.

[Ron] Really?

[Percy] Hell no, we just enjoy freaking you all out!

[Everyone else] Bitch! *celebrates*

[Percy and Mrs. Weasley] Time for a touching mother-son reunion moment.

[Mr. Weasley] And Lupin can get a job!

[Harry] Aw, I'm all warm and fuzzy inside... sigh.

* * * * *

[Rachel] Nice train. So, is Hogwarts an unusual school?

[Harry] No... not in the least...

[Mrs. Weasley] Have a good year! Hope you don't nearly die in June again!

[Harry] Thanks.

[Malfoy] Mwa ha ha... You're back and I can taunt you a second time...

[Ron] *rubs election in Malfoy's face and points out how his own dad is in prison*

[Malfoy] Well... you still have freckles! *slinks away*

[Ron] Life. Is. Sweet.

* * * * *

[Sorting Hat] Another year of freaking out new students...

[Harry] I conveniently followed Malfoy sneaking around because there's no way the Pottermaven could come up with a Sorting Hat Song.

[Pottermaven] Sorry.

[Hat] Blah blah blah... Rachel Connor!

[Rachel] Oh, no, not weird at all... singing freshman initiation hat...

[Hat] GRYFFINDOR!!

[Snape] What?!

[Flitwick next to him] What?

[Snape] Nothing.

[Nearly Headless Nick] Hello... as a former Monty Python, I can't well make fun of your accent, but how about giving us some unsatisfying background story?

[Rachel] *mutters* Not weird at all.... Sure! Well... I'm from Vermont.

[Nick] Jolly good!

[Dumbledore] Hem hem!

[Older students] *heads jerk up* WHAT THE F-- Oh. Okay.

[Dumbledore] Sorry, no tantalizing hints in the beginning-of-the-year speech this year! Off to bed.

* * * * *

[Snape] Welcome back to Potions. SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

[Rachel] Yeesh. Can't wait to get to know him...

[Snape] IMPOSSIBLE POTIONS QUESTIONS! Don't even bother, Granger; I'm going to ignore you anyway.

[Hermione] Was worth a shot...

[Rachel] Uh... I know.

[Snape] Hmm...

[Rachel] *technical little Potions genius answer*

[Snape] Whoa, damn... I mean... shut up.

[Rachel] Boo-yeah...

[Hermione] If that happens in every class I may have to bitch-slap her... I'M THE GENIUS!

[Harry] Well, Potions is kind of in her genes...

[Rachel] What?

[Harry] Uh... damn! In the third movie we got to wear jeans! Stupid robes...

[Rachel] That's all I thought you said. Really.

* * * * *

[Harry] Sweet... team captain! All right... Chasers! Try out!

[Rachel] I'm good at Quidditch too!

[Readers] She's not a Mary-Sue at all...

[Pottermaven] Her character develops a lot in the next one, I promise!

[Rachel] *is incredible*

[Harry] Oh yeah, baby... say, why wait for the first game? Let's have it now!

[Lee Jordan] I MAY BE THE TWINS' BEST FRIEND, BUT I'M STILL HERE! I WAS YOUNGER THAN THEM...

[Harry] 'Kay...

[Lee] AND HERE COME THE GRYFFINDORS... SLYTHERINS ARE IN THE AIR... FOUL! WHO'S SURPRISED?

[Slytherins] Grrr...

[Lee] GRYFFINDOR SUPPORT! PASS! DODGE! DIRTY NAMES! APOLOGIES TO

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!.... FOUL!!!!

[Goyle] Grr... *smack*

[Rachel] Score-- aaahhhh!

[Harry] No!

[Rachel] Ow... I'm okay...

[Harry] Whew...

[Malfoy] Goyle, you bonehead!

[Goyle] But... you said... Gryffindor...

[Malfoy] NOT THE HOT ONES!!

[Harry] This won't develop into anything...

[Lee] GRYFFINDOR WINS!! CAN I STOP SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS?

* * * * *

[Harry] Whoops, Care of Magical Creatures class! What did I miss?

[Hermione] Uh, we're back at the woods...

[Harry] Gulp.

[Hagrid] Don't worry... this will actually be a pretty normal class... weather bird?

[Augrey] Wheeze.

[Harry] Whew. I thought we might meet up with Grawp if we went into the woods...

[Rachel] Huh?

[Harry] Dammit! Uh... I said this class might be a flop if we went into the woods.

[Rachel] 'Kay...

[Bell] BRIIIIIIING!

[Lupin] Time for me to teach you how to Disillusion stuff... this may come in handy.

[Harry] Stuff I learn in this class often does.

[Neville] Hey! I don't suck quite as bad!

[Lupin] Good job!

[Student] Say, aren't you, like, a werewolf?

[Lupin] Under Thedon's new laws, I can work now if I take certain precautions, which I was taking anyway.

[Student] That's cool. But I thought you were concerned about what parents would say and stuff.

[Lupin] I'm tired of wearing tatters and starving... I've decided now the parents can kiss my furry wolf tail.

[Harry] Sing it, brother.

* * * * *

[Harry] Damn it, I have to do Occlumency again... I wonder what will happen when Snape sees my thoughts about Rachel? Hm, he wouldn't be mad enough to give away his secret and attack me, right...?

[Harry]...

[Harry] I'm dead meat.

[Snape] Potter! Get in here so I can start cursing you!

[Harry] Gulp.

[Snape] *tries to get into Harry's mind*

[Snape] Hey, you got good... odd.

[Harry] Hmm... maybe being bitter and not thinking about what's hurting you and bottling everything inside for ages helps...

[Snape] What is my character even here for?

[Harry] Yay! I can do Occlumency!

[Snape] Well, this might protect you, but you might need more practice...

[Harry]...

[Snape] ...but I hate you.... Ah, you can practice on your own, you hateful little ball of slime. Get out!

[Harry] I'm-- I'm alive... Yes!

* * * * *

[Harry] Hey Rachel, want to be my partner in Potions?

[Rachel] Sure--

[Malfoy] Hi. You're my partner now.

[Rachel] Uh... but...

[Malfoy] You're mine!

[Rachel] Um, okay...

[Harry] *evil eyes at Malfoy* That better not mean anything...

[Hermione] Nah...

*a little while later*

[Malfoy] Hey... this is Malfoy being suave... how you doin'?

[Rachel] I have officially decided you're an ass.

[Malfoy] Want to go to Hogwarts with me? I can show you... all around... *winks*

[Rachel] Sorry, I don't date guys with hair lighter than mine.

[Malfoy] *gets all up in the sexual harassment thing*

[Female readers] Lucky bitch...

[Harry] DIE!!!!

[Rachel] *smack*

[Harry] I think I love you...

[Rachel] Don't eff with American girls...

[Malfoy] Wha... you little--

[Snape] DIE!!!! I mean... what's going on?

[Rachel] Grrr...

[Snape] Malfoy... stay here. You two get out. *eyes of death at Malfoy*

[Malfoy] Wha... but... I'm... huh?

* * * * *

[Hermione] Harry... Harry!

[Harry] Oh...what? *stops staring at Rachel*

[Ron] Harry's got a cru-ush, Harry's got a cru-ush!

[Harry] I am NOT in love with Rachel! I mean...

[Hermione] Just have some balls and ask her out. Ahem...

[Ron] *completely oblivious, as usual*

[Hermione] Sigh.

[Harry] Um... okay...

[Ron] Not that we have to remind you of the potential plot thickening and eventual Death by Snape if anybody ever finds you out.

[Harry] Gulp.

* * * * *

[Harry] Um... Rachel...

[Rachel] Hi.

[Harry] Um... would you, uh...

[Rachel] Yes?

[Harry] Uh... wouldyouliketogooutwithme? Maybe?

[Rachel] Oh... Harry, I can't explain it but... I really like you, but the plot twist alone might kill us...

[Harry] It's okay, you're probably right... and if it didn't kill us your secret dad probably would...

[Rachel] What?!

[Harry] Uh... nothing.

[Rachel] This demands an immediate midnight debriefing...

[Harry] *perks up* Really?

[Rachel] *raises hand* Don't make me do a Malfoy on you.

[Harry] Gotcha.

* * * * *

[Rachel] *explains everything*

[Hermione] Well, that explains everything.

[Rachel] Um... Harry, maybe... maybe if we went to Hogsmeade with these two, it wouldn't look like a date...

[Harry] Really?

[Ron] *actually does something smooth for once* Um... maybe we could make it a double date?

[Hermione] ...*jumps* What?

[Ron] *proceeds to ruin the whole thing with flaming ears* Uh, or not... I could go shrivel up and die if you'd rather... excuse me...

[Hermione] No, the first one would be okay...

[Everybody] *is all lovey-dovey*

* * * * *

[Harry] Heh heh... my only other date, I made the girl run off crying... not that I'm nervous.

[Ron] You think you're nervous? I'm... me.

[Harry] True.

[Ginny] So Neville, what do you think of that-- uh-oh.

[Ron] GINNY? NEVILLE? GINNY AND NEVILLE?!

[Ginny&Neville shippers] All three of us are so excited!

[Hermione] Ron! *drags him to a table*

[Hermione] *explains everything*

[Rachel] Nicely done.

[Hermione] Thanks.

* * * * *

[Rachel] I had a lot of fun, Harry... and there was a random kitten! Kittens make everything better!

[Sprite, back in Gryffindor Tower] Innocent mew...

[Harry] No prob. Want to-- what?

[Rachel] What was that?

[Something] Distant shouting!

[Harry] It's coming from the forest! It must be Hagrid! Let's go!

[Hagrid] *jumps* Uh, hi Harry...

[Harry] What was-- oh. Was it...?

[Hagrid] Uh... yeah. Nothin' to worry abou'...

[Rachel] ???

[Harry] Um, it's a long story, Rachel... Rachel?

[Rachel] *points numbly*

[Hagrid] Wha-- oh, shit.

[Grawp] OOOOOGGG.

[Rachel] Freaking... huge... thing...

[Hagrid] Nothin' to worry abou', like I said! Just a friend o'mine...

[Grawp] PERSON! ME LIKE SHINY LITTLE PEOPLE!

[Rachel] What, the hair? You little...

[Hagrid] Uh... why don't you explain, Harry...

[Harry] Yeah. My turn-- *explains everything*

* * * * *

[Harry] Nice practice, Rachel... see you in the morning.

[Rachel] Yeah...

[Harry] *finishes packing his bookbag and looks up*

[Rachel] *is crying*

[Harry] Again? *sits with her*

[Rachel] My life sucks.

[Harry] Totally. Mine too...

[Rachel] Totally...

[Harry]...

[Rachel]...

[Harry] Want to make out?

[Rachel] Sure.

*they make out in front of fireplace*

[Female fans] Lucky bitch...

[Cheesy background music] *begins playing*

[FicAlley mods] Hey! HEY! This is a PG-13 fic!

[Harry] Damn.

[Ginny] *girlish squeal*

[Rachel] Ginny! Shut up!

[Harry] Ginny! Secrecy! Or death!!

[Ginny] *giggling* Um, okay....

[Rachel] Oh, what have you got to laugh at, you're dating Neville.

[Ginny] Fair point.

* * * * *

[Harry] Rachel? We shouldn't be in your dad's office; he'll kill us both...

[Rachel] I'm leaving... hey, a Pensieve! There can't be anything in there he'd hate us for looking at!

[Harry] Right.

* * * * *

[Mundungus Fletcher] Whoo, it's the holidays... eggnog!

[Ron] Well, time to screw up the only serious relationship I've ever had.

[Hermione] Great.

[Ron] You still love Viktor Krum!

[Hermione] Do not!

[Ron] Do too!

[Rachel] It sure feels great to be back here... not.

[Harry] *is alone*

[Weasley Chicken] Looks like a great time to be home for the holidays...

[Ian] I'm back! And still cute!

[Rachel] *is slightly happier*

[Harry] *not so much*

[Weasley Chicken] *would be a good name for a rock band*

* * * * *

[Rachel] Ron. Hermione. Hermione. Ron. You've met.

[Ron] You're still still in love with Viktor Krum.

[Hermione] You're still childish. *sticks tongue out*

[Rachel] Talk. Now.

* * * * *

[Hermione] Well, if you can try harder to not be yourself... I guess I should too.

[Ron] That ought to work nicely.

[Rachel] That's better.

[Harry] Um, this is the part where I get all paranoid and freak out...

[Rachel] Don't worry about it. I'll get all flirty to calm you down.

[Twins] Uh... Harry... talk to you for a sec?

[Harry] Whoops. Damn Extendable Ears.

[Fred] Our pride and joy...

[Rachel] *leaves*

[George] Um... Harry... cough.

[Fred] Uh... don't date Rachel.

[George] Yeah. She's...

[Fred] To vulnerable right now.

[George] Good one!

[Fred] Thanks.

[Harry] Uh... okay!

[George] That was easy...

[Fred] Yeah...

[Harry] *looks innocent*

[Twins] Well... in that case, we have mayhem to cause. See ya.

* * * * *

[Harry] Yay, it's Christmas Eve... angst.

[Rachel] Right back atcha.

[Mundungus] Hic...

[Harry] Where's the mistletoe when you actually want it...?

[Mundungus] What?

[Harry] Not for you.

[Mundungus] I was going to say...

[Mrs. Weasley] Don't be sad... eat!

[Mr. Weasley] While I provide some random background story about dementors!

[Rachel] Great.

* * * * *

[Harry] Finally, alone in front of another fireplace... shall we?

[Rachel] Lets.

[Female fans] Lucky bitch.

[Harry] This is better...

* * * * *

[Pottermaven] This fic was going much too slow, so I've skipped to after the Quidditch final!

[Harry] Say-- brilliant job at the Quidditch final!

[Rachel] Thanks!

[Hermione] EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS.....

[Rachel] Is she always like this at the end of the year?

[Gryffindor Tower] Yes.

[Rachel] She's kind of turning blue... it's fascinating.

[Ron] If I continue to procrastinate she might explode... cool.

[Harry] Potions exam... death... Rachel... help!

* * * * *

[Harry] I'm so glad exams are over... should we be walking through Hogsmeade like this without Ron and Hermione?

[Rachel] Ah, it's late.

[Harry] Do you want to sneak off down a dark back road nobody else knows about with Harry Potter in June?

[Rachel] Sure. What could happen?

[Sprite] Mew.

[Rachel] That darn cat... one moment.

[Harry] Sure.

[Sprite] *does that bitchy cat thing where they let you get real close then run away*

[Rachel] Sprite... Sprite?

[Holo-Sprite] *disappears*

[Readers] A magic hologram cat?

[Pottermaven] Shut up.

[Death Eater] Surprise! *grabs Rachel*

[Female readers] If that's Lucius Malfoy... lucky bitch.

[Rachel] Ah!

[Harry] Uh oh.

[Rachel] Help-- *disappears*

[Harry] Well, this can't be good. *freaks out*

* * * * *

[Harry] Professors... students... Filch... anybody!

[Faculty Lounge Gargoyles] Helpful as always... go away.

[Harry] Snape... Professor Snape!

[Snape] What now, boy?

[Harry] Rachel... cat... holo-cat... Death Eaters... *wheeze*

[Snape] I'm going to go on about how you wouldn't be having these dreams if you practiced Occlumency but maybe they make you feel special and you're a little unimportant speck of dirt.

[Harry] All well and good, but this wasn't a dream.

[Snape]...

[Harry] Your cue to freak out.

[Lupin] *bursts in, freaking out* Snape! Death Eaters! Rachel!

[Snape] Uh oh...

* * * * *

[Dumbledore] I'm going to be under control and remain calm and take care of everything if you all could stop panicking.

[Everyone] *continues panicking*

[Harry] Dumbledore! I saw a Death Eater jump out and grab Rachel and... uh oh...

[Voldemort] MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! We meet again!

[Rachel] Uh... I'm starting to get scared now...

[Voldemort] Here's where I gloatingly tell all of my evil plans... and you'll never find me, Dumbledore!

[Rachel] And here's where we all find out why I was handily placed in Gryffindor... HE'S IN A HOUSE BY A GRAVEYARD!

[Random Death Eater] Violence!

[Rachel] Ow!

[Harry] Uh oh.

[Voldemort] Come do battle with me, Potter, or I'll kill your girlfriend!

[Snape] Say what?

[Harry] Nothing.

[Dumbledore] What do you think I'm going to tell you to say to Voldemort, Harry?

[Harry] Uh...

[Voldemort] Crucio!

[Rachel] OW! Damn, that stings!

[Harry] No!

[Snape] I have no feeling about this... really... I'll just stare at the ceiling...

[Voldemort] Crucio!

[Rachel] OWW!!

[Harry] No! Please!

[Voldemort] I'M LOSING PATIENCE WITH YOU, POTTER! IF YOU DON'T COME AND BATTLE ME NOW I'LL ACT EXTREMELY RASHLY AND DESTROY MY ONLY WEAPON AGAINST YOU!

[Death Eater] Um... but if she dies...

[Voldemort] Shut up!

[Death Eater] Gotcha.

[Harry] But Dumbledore, I can't die until at least the seventh book... let me save her!

[Dumbledore] Um, remember when you said that 'saving' bit a year ago?

[Voldemort] Here go months of planning-- CRUCIO!!

[Rachel] OWW-- *faints*

[Harry] Oh damn.

[Snape] Don't look at me...

[Tonks] *bursts in dramatically* Dumbledore! Rachel's been kidnapped by Death Eaters!

[Dumbledore] ...

[Tonks] *looks in the mirror* Oh. But also-- we can somehow get to her now!

[Dumbledore] That's more like it...

[Snape] I'm still not saying anything... LET ME AT THOSE BASTARDS!

[Harry] Being "light and speedy" has its advantages... *ducks in after Snape*

[Moody] Whatever you do, don't let Potter... damn.

* * * * *

[Harry] Thank you, Professor Lupin... *is Disillusioned*

[Snape] I know my way around here...

[Harry] ...which is convenient for me.

[Death Eater] YAAAH! Die, Sna-- hyurk!

[Harry] *stares at nasty green stab wound on dying man*

[Snape] Ah, I never liked him much anyway.

[Harry] ...whoa... cool.

[Lupin] Snape! Have you seen Harry?

[Snape] He's here?

[Lupin] ...

[Snape] Yeah, I guess that's what you meant...

[Harry] *sinks into shadows*

[Snape] If I find him, I'll... kill the little... uh, send him right back.

[Lupin] ...good luck, Harry...

* * * * *

[Malfoy Sr.] Snape-- this is where I coolly hurl clever insults at you and subtly threaten your child's life in a soft but menacing voice...

[Snape] You know me, Malfoy... which is why you didn't count on... BERSERKER SNAPE!! DIE!!!

[Malfoy] Oh shit...

[Harry] Whoa... my chance to sneak away.

[Snape] That was easy...

[Harry] I wonder where Snape is going... AACK!

[Snape] Potter!

[Potter] Snape!... ack... I'm visible...

[Snape] After I kill all these Death Eaters... you're next!

[Lupin] You found him! Harry... you're in serious trouble heAUUGH!

[Snape] Ambush...

[Harry] He wasn't kidding...

[Bunch of Aurors] *fight*

[Bunch of Death Eaters] *fight*

[Harry] *melts away*

[Moody] Do you think he headed for the staircase?

[Harry] *heads for the staircase*

[Remaining Conscious Aurors] *follow him*

[Harry] I wonder what's in here-- AAAH!

[Freaking Huge Band of Death Eaters] *attack*

[Remaining Conscious Aurors] *fight back*

[Voldemort] POTTER!!!

[Harry] Uh oh.

* * * * *

[Voldemort] I've got you all alone... and NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU NOW!

[Harry] What did you do with Rachel, freak?

[Voldemort] I love it when they concentrate on everything but me attacking them...

[Harry] Die!

[Voldemort] Hah! *waves aside curses and disarms Harry*

[Harry] Uh oh...

[Voldemort] Nothing can stop me now... AVADA KED--

[Dumbledore] Except me!

[Voldemort] SHIT!!

[Harry] Nice timing.

[Dumbledore] But I can do... a freakish time-meld thingy!

[Harry] Whhooaaa... ccooll...

[Voldemort] DDaammnn yyoouu bbootthh...

[Harry] *soars out of room*

[Voldemort] NNOOTT AAGGAAIINN...

[Harry] Good luck, Headmaster!

[Dumbledore] Thanks.

* * * * *

[Snape] Where is she?

[Wide-Eyed Weasley] Here...

[Snape] Rachel!

[Rachel] *is still unconscious*

[Snape] *lifts her gently*

[Rachel] What... where... *collapses onto Snape's chest*

[Female Readers] Lucky bitch...

[Harry] Rachel! You're alive!

[Rachel] *faints again*

[Harry] Or not.

* * * * *

[Harry] Madam Pomfrey... Madam Pomfrey!

[Snape] OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, WOMAN!

[Madam Pomfrey] *yawn* What's going... oh my goodness!

[Rachel] *looks really creepy and pale and dead*

[Snape] I'll give her potion... LIVE, DAMN YOU!

[Rachel] ...

[Harry] ...

[Snape] ...

[Madam Pomfrey] ???

Rachel] ...

[Harry] ...

[Snape] ...

[Madam Pomfrey] ???

[Rachel] ... Dramatic gasp!!

[Snape] That much caffeine will do that to you...

[Rachel] What... where... huh?

[Harry] You are alive!

[Rachel] Yay!

[Snape] *remembers something and looks up at Harry*

[Rachel] Gulp.

[Harry] Uh...

[Snape] .... I KEEEEL YOU!!!

[Harry] Ah! Uh, don't still have that knife on you, do you?

[Rachel] Stop!

[Snape] No!

[Harry] Ack!

[Rachel] Stop! He would've died to save me... we're in love... *sob* ...and that should be enough for you!!

[Harry] ... wow...

[Snape] ...

[Harry] ...

[Snape].... I KEEEEL YOU!!!

[Rachel] Dammit, man! Uh oh... *collapses again* Is this going to be happening often?

[Snape] I help her up, then I keel you...

[Lupin, McGonagall, and Tonks] *show up* Rachel's alive!

[Harry] I'm going to stay alive!

[Snape] Grr...

[Madam Pomfrey] What the EFF just happened here?

[Lupin] Uh... can you hand me that bottle there?

[Madam Pomfrey] This one?

[McGonagall] *zap*

[Madam Pomfrey] *floats to Happy-Land*

[Lupin] Thanks.

* * * * *

[Dumbledore] Well, Harry... it's the end of the story. You know what I'm here for.

[Harry] Hit me.

[Dumbledore] *explains everything*

[Harry] Thanks.

[Harry] Rachel... I'm really sorry I almost got you killed and all...

[Rachel] 'S alright.

[Harry] Good... because I just wanted to say... uh... gulp...

[Ian] Hi Rachel!

[Harry] I've always loved that kid...

* * * * *

[Harry] So how exactly is it a safety measure for us to take separate trips from the castle?

[Rachel] Uh... my dad won't murder us if he can keep us apart.

[Student] Look! Foreshadowing!

[Rachel] Shh! That part wasn't in the real story!

[Student] Whoops. Sorry.

[Harry] So... end-of-the-year-goodbye-snogfest?

[Rachel] 'Kay.

* * * * *

[Harry] Sigh, back to the Muggle world for a bit... but I bet Dudley doesn't have a girlfriend. New ways of provoking two-hundred pounds of flab and boxer which is terrified of you is always fun...

[Dudley] Great.