WTV's Garbage Diggers

WTV's Garbage Diggers 03

Harry

: Welcome to WTV's Garbage Diggers. The show where we dig through the wizarding worlds garbage. Uncovering the amusing, strange, dark and downright nasty things! One garbage can at a time! We're your hosts Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!

Ron

: Thanks Harry. Today we will be digging through the garbage of Gilderoy Lockheart. We managed to snag a profile on Gilderoy.

Harry:

Here's some information on Lockheart: He is tall, blonde, and pretty much a dumb butt. He likes his hair, himself, taking credit for others work, practicing memory charms on cats, plagiarism, himself, fame and his hair.

Ron:

Gosh how I hate Lockheart!

Harry:

Join the club. Lockheart was recently omitted from St. Mungos.

Ron:

Care to tell our viewers at home about how he came to be in St. Mungos?

Harry:

(Snickers) Sure thing Ron, IT all started in our second year when he became our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He didn't do a good job, after we discovered a secret about him. He tried to put memory charms on us. But it backfired on him. He's been in St. Mungos ever since.

Ron:

Poor chap.

Harry:

You mean that?

Ron:

No, not really.

Harry:

Oh, well, lets get digging! Ole!

(Dives in trash)

Ron:

Is it just me, or does his garbage smell like lavender?

Harry:

Nope, there's a bottle of lavender scented cologne spilled over here. Along with a hundred other primping products.

Ron:

(in disbelief) Lavender scented cologne?

Harry:

The idea is terrifying.

Ron:

Ewwwwwww..... Lavender! (Throws up)

Harry:

It's toxic! (disposes of cologne)

Ron:

Phew! Thanks, well, here's a bottle of Fire whiskey. Not too much of a surprise there. Always thought he was a bit of a hothead...

Harry:

Too true. Remember that time in the chamber of secrets? Good times, good times....

Ron:

Yeah, I remember.... Ey! What's this thing at the bottom? (gasp)

Harry:

Egad!

Ron:

He... has... DENTURES!!!

Harry:

I knew it! (dances around) I knew that they fake! I better call Ginny! She works at witch weekly! This'll be a hot one!

Ron:

The box says denture cleaning powder. Wintergreen, YUM!!!!

Harry:

(on phone) Ginny, babe, I'm on the show right now. And we just found out that Lockhart wears dentures. I know! Amazing! See you at home! Yes, that's Ron in the background eating the denture cleaning tablets. Okay. Thanks, your a doll.

Ron:

(mouthful) How's Ginny?

Harry:

(Glares) Why are you eating the evidence?

Ron:

Its not cake, but it will have to do!

Harry:

Well stop. I'll find you some cake. Blonde cake.

Ron:

I know a blonde joke!

Harry:

You are a blonde joke.

Ron:

But I'm not blonde. I prefer the term radiant red.

Harry:

Oh whatever. I found some cake.

Ron:

Yay! Here' an issue of Witch Weekly! The beauty issue. Oooh la la. My sister is on the cover!

Harry:

Ron, you might want to watch out. Lockhart might have a thing for your sister!

Ron:

NO! Never! Besides, he has the "Make your hair long and luscious article circled." But if he went anywhere near Ginny...

Harry:

We could bash his nonexistent brains in. Let me see that article. *plots*

Ron:

Why? Oh no... I don't like that look.

Harry:

(Reads article aloud) ....To make hair long and luscious just say this simple spell. Stretch out the syllables of the spell while being spoken for designated length.

Ron:

Harry, no....

Harry:

haricinusgrowth! (flash of magenta light) There we go. Ron, your hair should be long and luscious now. (hands him a mirror)

Ron:

(Psycho shower scene music) AHHHHHHHHHHH!! I have girlie hair!!! But its so long and luscious! (giggles) I'm gonna kill you Harry! (grabs pitchfork)

Harry:

We'll be back after a short commercial break where we attempt to calm Miss - err, Mr. Weasley down.

Producer:

STUPEFY!! (Ron freezes with his hair and sparkles swirling all around him.)

Harry:

Uh, well, we're back as Ron gets his hair cut.

Lusting Girls in Audience:

Noooo!!! We want Ron! Ron is hot!!

Harry:

Yes, so sad. Now I can do that ballet solo I have been practicing in secret!

Ron:

Not so fast Harry Potter! (Superman pose)

Lusting Girls in Audience:

Yay! Ron's so dreamy...

Harry:

Darn you Ron Weasley! You ruined my only chance to make it big into the music business!

Ron:

You never had a chance.

Harry:

Oh, really? Lets get back to digging through Gilderoy's garbage.

Ron:

Okay, lets just hope his trash is more interesting than he is.

Harry:

Buuuuuuuuuuurn....

Ron:

Tee hee. I made a funny.

Harry:

Here is a nice big book. Never knew that he could read... JACKPOT! His diary! Entry number one: My hair has split ends. I fear my life is over.

Ron:

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Entry number two: There is a new book in stores called Who am I? Supposedly I wrote it. I fear I'm going mad. (Starts to fiddle with his hair) Do you think my bags are short enough?

Harry:

Loser. He is no more mad than the rest of us.

Ron:

Understatement of the century.

Harry:

Too true, hey I see a prescription bottle!

Ron:

Prozac! As I said earlier, I always knew he had anger issues.

Harry:

Um, okay. Oh dear. This is sad. I just found a love letter he wrote to himself.

Ron:

Really? How sad!

Harry:

Shhhhhh! Lockheart is back!

Gilderoy Lockheart:

Hello? Who is in my garbage? Oh hello! Do you live here?

Both:

Nooo...

Gilderoy Lockheart:

Really? Well, then GET OUT OF MY GARBAGE!

Ron:

AHHH!! We must run from the scary metro sexual!

Harry:

Well, that's the end of our show! Join us next week as we dig through the garbage of Neville Longbottom! Ciao!

Ron:

Now to escape Lockheart!

Harry:

Hey! Meathead! Here's a mango! (Throws Lockheart a mango)

(They both stumble over their unusually large feet. Causing Lockheart to girly slap them.)