Last of the Blacks

Last of the Blacks

Losing a friend once--in a manner of speaking--doesn't make it any easier the second time around.

It had been difficult, returning to Grimmauld Place that night. Molly Weasley had shut herself in the study and cried; the rest had sat in the kitchen, staring at the worn tabletop without seeing anything at all. It wasn't until Dumbledore returned in the early hours of the morning that the portrait of Mrs Black was silenced, howling and raging and screaming filth all night long. And through it all, Remus had sat at the foot of the stairs like a child sent out of the room.

He stood now, August drawing to a close, in front of the Black family tree, unable to bring himself to take it down. He had broken the sticking charm on it weeks ago, but somehow it felt like rolling up the moth-eaten tapestry would be erasing their name from history. He didn't like to think there would be no family to mourn their lost brother and son. It didn't seem fair.

Nothing seemed fair anymore when he thought of the friends he'd lost to Voldemort--in more ways than one; but he hadn't the heart to hate Pettigrew for his foolishness as he sat down heavily. He felt worn out, utterly spent--a wretchedness he couldn't describe; words weren't enough. It simply felt too big to be contained within him--and he was afraid there'd be nothing left of him once the grief was spent.

Footsteps outside the room broke in on his thoughts, and he turned, forcing a smile as the door opened.

"Hello, Harry."

"Everyone's waiting." He nodded back towards the staircase. "To go to Kings Cross," He added at Lupin's hesitation, frowning at the tapestry. "What are you doing?"

"Just thinking...about James and Lily, and Sirius." He pushed it away with a sigh and stood up. But Harry didn't follow him to the door, almost too late to catch him when he found his voice.

"I'm sorry--" He called, and looked away, ashamed, when Remus met his eyes. "For getting your best friends killed."

"Harry--" Lupin crossed the distance between them in a second, but was pushed angrily away as Harry turned his back, glaring at the tapestry.

"Harry, none of this is your fault."

"But it is!" He spun, and every wretched thought clogging up his heart tumbled out. "It was all my fault--I played right into Voldemort's hands...I should never have gone to the Ministry--I should never have stopped Occlumency lessons, I should have gone to see Snape again--you told me to and I didn't--it's my fault Sirius..." Remus didn't know what he could say--words weren't enough.

"Nobody blames you, Harry."

"Well you should." He looked down, fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper. "I'm the reason James and Lily died, I got Sirius killed--" He looked round, blinking fiercely. "I'm the one he wants--it should ..." His voice broke, offering no resistance this time as Lupin pulled him close. "It should have been me." He whispered, but Lupin gave a gentle "No, Harry."

"You--you're just saying that," he said miserably, wiping his face with sleeve.

"Absolutely not. If you had died that night--instead of James and Lily--if..." Lupin stalled, the consequences of Voldemort escaping his fate all those years ago too terrible. He sighed, "They'd have died of a broken heart, they loved you so much. And Sirius--I..." He found himself groping for words; they simply weren't enough. Sirius was dead--and he was the only one left that had truly known him...and he couldn't find the words to tell anybody.

"It wasn't Azkaban that left him hollow," Remus said heavily. "It was losing his best friend--blaming himself for it every day he sat in prison, hating himself for still being alive...you didn't know him before--these last few years the light was gone from his eyes, he wouldn't smile anymore--not the way he used to...Inside I think he was already dead." He was looking down, hands in his pockets, rocking slightly on his feet. "You were the only thing that was keeping him alive."

And then it was gone with a sigh, a determined set to his face. "You have to finish what they started, Harry. You must."