A Bit Like Me

Many thanks to those who contributed to this bit of madness *wink*: JKR, FHB & Lucy Simon; AngieJ; Heidi for wanting me to post this to FictionAlley sight-unseen *jawdrop*; and of course fable2112, who is responsible for typing those dangerous words at me in the first place: Harry Potter Fanfic.

On the epigraphs: Both are from TSG (no, no, Ebony, not The Story Girl, The Secret Garden!). The first is from Act I's "Lily's Eyes," the second from Act II's "Quartet."

 

"In Lily's eyes a castle this house seemed to be,
And I her bravest knight became - my lady fair was she...
I longed for the day she'd turn and see me standing there -
Would God had let her stay."

"If she could disappear he'd start again
And live like other men, he could be happy then.
If she'd disappear he could be free,
Cut off from pain and loss - a bit like me."

 

"A Bit Like Me"

Late February, 2001

Merlin, that was difficult. Oh, "difficult" doesn't even begin to describe it... I had to let her go, go back to Ron - or so Sirius says. I'm still not entirely convinced it was the best option, only the lesser of two evils.

I did it anyway. Sirius, if you're listening, I hope you're happy. I'll probably regret that thought later, whether he's waiting outside or not. Right now I don't care very much what almost anyone thinks of me. I just spent the last few hours lying through my teeth, pretending to Hermione's face that we hadn't spent the equivalent of three weeks realizing we've loved each other for years. Hermione, of course, won't remember a thing - thanks to Remus' friend with her thrice-cursed memory spell.

Carelessly, I fling my cloak towards its usual hook, not caring if it makes it there or not. I keep walking past my study, into the living room, hit the power on the stereo, and fling myself onto the sofa. Within moments, with little surprise, the haunting opening to The Secret Garden fills the room.

"Clusters of crocus, purple and gold,
Blankets of pansies, up from the cold..."

Oh, I know - a grown man liking a faery tale? But I've been living a perversion of one, and right now, as has happened so many times before, a happy ending seems like the furthest possibility. Someone else's happily ever after will have to do. Harry Potter, as everyone should know by now, never gets the faery tale ending.

Funny thing, how well this show fits me. Colin's mother was also named Lily, and died before he could know her; Mary's parents died in a kind of plague that killed hundreds, if not thousands, but somehow spared her. And then when I found out there actually was an Avalon, and saw it for the first time in its eternal spring glory, I couldn't help but think of the "fountains of roses." Ginny chose well when she gave me this CD for Christmas a few years back - before I even thought of going to Avalon.

"She were a sweet, pretty thing, and he'd have walked the world over to get her a blade of grass that she wanted."

The words jerk me back to the present. Guilty as charged - in fact, the last morning there, I had this crazy idea, and ended up running around the island, collecting as many blooms as I could, all the ones Hermione had admired those three weeks - especially those vividly pink magnolias, they were everywhere - and, well...

Let's just say, there were a great deal more crushed than whole flowers by mid-morning. Bits of petals almost everywhere. And two people supremely grateful there wasn't even more pollen to go around when breathing normally was already a challenge.

Funny thing, how I'd come in to be miserable, but all I can remember right now is how precious my last three weeks in Avalon were. By God they were beautiful...she was, is, beautiful. And I'll never have them again, thanks to Sirius.

"Maybe I was dreaming of a life that I will never know..."

Great. Right on cue, thanks ever so Archie, Mary. "Tell me why you brought me home if you're not there," indeed. Not even twenty-one, I've been famous for longer than I knew of, I've saved the world, and I don't even get to keep the witch. The woman who said she loved me first, but will never remember telling me that and instead will end up married to my other best friend. Just a few weeks ago, Ron owled me and said he was going to propose to her soon - and he'll still do it, knowing him. I told Sirius I loved them both, and I do, but I stand by that voice in my head that says he will do this to her again. And if he does, I don't see how I'll be able to forgive him.

Blast, who am I kidding? I'll have to. I'm little better. The love of my life is one of my best friends, who is all but engaged to my other best friend. I'm going to have to stand up at their wedding, of course, and pretend I'm not achingly jealous of the one and remembering what I had and gave up with the other. All in the glorious name of friendship, all in the name of "the good of wizardkind" and the Covenant that Sirius says he thought would prevent this.

"Say you'll have me, safe you will keep me..."

Hermione, my own love, how I wish I could keep you safe on my own. How I wish we could have each other for all time. That damned Seventh Prophecy...I know you put no credence in such things Beautiful, and right now, as I have for the last week, I'd give anything to not have it put to me in those terms - having to choose between you and this world that is nothing like the one we lived in for eleven years. I owe simply having you in my life to this world. We three have sworn to protect it...not just against Voldemort, but any danger. And now to hear that by simply wanting you for myself, I would risk destroying this world, and even worse, destroying you - it's an impossible choice, love. And yet I had to make it. I don't have your knack for deconstructing the myth in favor of reality, because let's face it, I am a living myth. I am, Merlin help me, The Boy Who Lived.

I should get that trademarked.

You know, some would call my giving you up "noble." They obviously would have no idea what kind of dragonshit they were speaking of. I don't want to be noble anymore. I'm tired of being the hero. I don't want to be Neville Craven either, because you are my "lady fair" who could turn any house into a magical castle - and I'm not talking about the kind of magic we learned at Hogwarts.

"How can I now forget that once I dared to be
In love, alive and whole in Lily's eyes?"

Yes, Sirius, explain that one to me again. Since you are so wise and knowing, Godfather-of-mine, tell me how I'm supposed to forget. Oh yes, you gave me the option of joining Hermione in oblivion - as though you thought I'd actually accept such a thing. Bad enough that I participated in doing that to her - but what good would it have done to make me forget the last three weeks? You would have to go back much further to make me forget what Hermione Granger means to me - at least three years of this world's time, to account for my going to Avalon. I'm not even going to try to estimate what that comes out to in Avalon-time. Oh wait, I went there to forget her in the first place, didn't I? And simply making me forget why I went to Avalon, that would only go back another year or two. No, you'd have to wipe nearly half of my life's memories - make me forget there ever was a Hermione Granger. And then where would your precious Covenant be? What commitment would I have to keeping a Covenant with strangers, with people I didn't love more than myself?

"I should have sent you away while there was still time."
"You are never to see Colin again."

Merlin knows I tried, so hard, to get away while there was still time, hoping to keep this from happening. It might have worked if she hadn't come...but she did find me, and I won't give that up, even if it means I have to come back to this world. What good would staying in Avalon have done me if every corner now only further reminded me of Hermione, when I'd gone there to try to escape her? So I let them put that spell on her, and I came back here. At least out here, if she has need of me, I can do everything in my power to protect her.

"As it is I must leave you in care of my brother,
The wizard who lives on the hill."

Well said, Archie...you blind fool. Did you really not know what your brother was doing to your son? Did you really not know how jealous your brother was of your wife? If so, you're a lucky bastard. I know full well what Ron will try to do to Hermione if they marry. I know full well how close I came to choosing Hermione over the possibility of destroying the world we've been sworn the care of.

And there is no spirit or charm that can protect any of us from what's coming, is there?

"Where in the world," indeed...nowhere in or out of this world could keep Hermione from me. And nowhere in or out of this world can we be together without destroying it, or so we've been told. Would it be easier if she were dead, banished to some grave? God no, the very thought of her not being in the world somewhere - even if I can't have what I want, I would rather know that she still exists in this world.

And I know there is no way she could have known I would be faced with the impossible choice, when she found me as she did. "You were the one I was born to love," even if I am now the only one of the two of us to remember what we might have had. So, now I must leave rather than stay in the everlasting gardens of Avalon; and I swear I will do everything I can to keep her safe.

It's the only promise I can make her now, for as long as she will have me.