Quidditch Night in Canada

Quidditch Night in Canada

(Quidditch Night in Canada theme music starts. It sounds mostly the same as HNIC's theme, only with more didgeridoo. Why an Australian instrument is stuck in here is beyond me. The government chose it.)

Announcer dude: Welcome to Quidditch Night in Canada.

Ron Weasley: (Standing beside Quidditch Pitch, which is illuminated with laser lights, in a desperate attempt to hype up the crowd) Welcome to Quidditch Night in Canada. Tonight two rival teams, the Moose Jaw Meteorites and the Stonewall Stormers go head to head. This intense rivalry started in 1947 when both teams accused each other of putting Thickening Charms in the air, making it impossible to fly through. (Turns to Cedric Diggory, alive for no good reason) Well Cedric, whom can we watch out for this season?

Cedric Diggory: (Looking very intimidating in yellow and black plaid robes.) Well we've got this kid outta PEI, Chad Fitchers, up for Rookie of the year. He's a really great kid, I like the way he flies. But we've gotta watch out for these young ones, they can get to thinking they're all high and mighty. Look at that Viktor Krum a while back. He goes of thinking he's everyone's hero, and then he goes of thinking he can marry a 15 year old! (Ron goes red, considering the fact that the 15 year old is now his wife.) His career? Down the drain!

Ron: Well it's not really-

Cedric: Listen! (Ron turns head) When I coached Hufflepuff, any second years we ever got played the game, and they played it well! None of this lolly-gagging (Canadian viewers laugh at Cedric saying 'lolly-gag') this isn't going to happen to Chad, He's a good kid.

Ron: We'll be back at Coach's Corner after the game.

(Commercial Break)

(A young boy is walking through an aisle. He stops to look at a broom, who's brand is cleverly hidden as to avoid double-advertising. A smile lights up his face, and he runs of to find his father. He finds him, looking at Bludgers.)

Boy: Dad! Dad! Come see this!

(They are looking at the broomstick)

Father: I'm sorry son; we can't afford that at the moment.

(Boy looks crestfallen)

(It's Christmas morning. The little boy opens a long thin package. Out falls a broomstick.)

Boy: Wow! Did Santa bring it?

Mother: He sure did.

(Mother and Father exchange meaningful looks.)

Voice over: Canadian Flyer. Give like Santa, save like Nicholas Flamel.

(Commercial Break ends because everyone wants to get to the Quidditch Match)

Announcer dude: Please welcome, the Moose Jaw Meteorites!

(Wild Applause)

AD: Chasers Mario LaPoo, Rats Runrin, and Zane Betsey! Beaters Kyle Romi and Reeve Dicerman! Keeper Patrick Mwa, and Seeker.... Chad Fitchers!

(Wild Applause)

AD: The Stonewall Stormers, Chasers Robby Core, Georgie Pow, and Dougie Bleedmore! Beaters Morris Michard, and Jay Rourque! Keeper Ernest Wosheph, and Seeker... Rakloo Boyvoo!

(More wild applause)

AD: Please rise, for the singing of our National Anthem, sung by Avril Lavigne!

(Those in the stands stand up. The Quidditch players put their hands on their hearts. Avril walks to the middle of the pitch, and starts to sing.)

Avril: Oh, Canada

Our home and lovely land

True magical love

Where all our puns command

With glowing wands

We see thee lies

From true south old and mean.

From far and wide

Oh Canada

We stand on guard for thee

Please keep our land

Wizardly and free

Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee

Oh Canada we stand on guard. For. Thee.

(Lots of lovely applause from the stands.)

AD: And now, please welcome, Her Majesty Narcissa Malfoy, for the ceremonial throwing of the Snitch!

(The Queen walks out on a red carpet to the middle of the pitch. When she reaches the center, a wizard in a tuxedo runs out to her with the Snitch on a little pillow. Before the Queen takes the Snitch, she thwacks the man with her purse for not bowing. The man bows hastily, and runs of. Narcissa Malfoy releases the Snitch from her hand, and the game commences.)

A Really Sad Announcer In Need Of Another Job: And Lapoo has the Quaffle! Passes it to Betsey, he sets it up... No! Intercepted by Bleedmore! I really thought he had that one, didn't you, Johnny?

The Other Announcer That Needs a Job: Oh, I think I saw that one coming, Frank. Betsey gets predictable after a while, I mean 20 years in the NQL-Romi hits a Bludger to Bleedmore! Out of nowhere! The Meteorites regain possession of the Quaffle!

(Bleedmore has a little bout of swearing and spitting and shouting.)

Frank: So Runrin has the Quaffle at the moment.... He's heading to the goal posts.... Is that LaPoo in there with him? Surely our referee Jean Poutine's gonna call that one...

(The Referee, a too-old-to-be-flying wizard with a serious problem going on with his lip, flies over to Runrin and Betsey and calls a stooging penalty to the Stormers.)

Johnny: And Core takes the penalty for the Stormers, he flying up... setting himself up quite nicely.... AND HE SCORES!

(Stormers fans start up a chant of "MWAHAHAHAHA" because the Keeper Patrick Mwa has failed to make a tremendous save as he usually does.)

Frank: So it's ten to zero in The Stormers favour, Meteorites have yet again taken possession of the Quaffle... LaPoo is heading to the goals... Was that the Snitch?

(Everyone looks at the Seekers. They are not pursuing the Snitch, for it is in the hands of Narcissa Malfoy.)

Narcissa Malfoy: My dear Snitchy! Was it scary out there with the big mean players? Was it now?

Johnny: It seems that the Queen's love for others has gone a bit to far tonight...

(Two big mean-looking guys walk out. With some gentle coaxing and bowing, the Queen releases the Snitch once again and the match continues.)

Frank: Core has the Quaffle, he passes it to Bleedmore, Pow, what is Romi doing?

(Kyle Romi has hit a Bludger into the stands.)

Johnny: Well if I'm not mistaken that's the Sweetwater All-Stars out of Texas. Their Beaters whooped the Meteorites backsides the last time they played against each other.

(The Sweetwater All-Stars start shouting at Romi)

Player: Canajan's can't play Quidditch.

Other player: Yeah, Ah betcha can' even spell it. If ya'd lak to know its 'Q' uh... 'dubya...'"

Frank: Is Poutine going to call that?

Johnny: No. They're Americans. Texans, for that matter. A Canadian being provoked by an American doesn't give you a foul. They give us enough trouble, what with the Galleon down there...

(Commercial Break)

(A Woman is taking a loaf of bread out from a bread box. All of a sudden, her eyes roll back in her head.)

Woman: Burnt toast! This loaf of bread... all...burnt toast!

(She collapses on the floor)

Child: Oh no. Mother's having her visions again.

(In hospital bed, doctor is working on the woman.)

Woman: Doctor Wingfield, are you pouring cold water on yourself tonight? Burnt toast! It is happening now! The toast! Burnt!

(Woman is now sitting in chair, what we interpret to be years later.)

Woman: Doctor Wingfield cured my visions, and many more.

(Back to the match)

Frank: Welcome back to Quidditch Night in Canada, live from the sand hills of Prince Edward Island. The ref Poutine is throwing up the Quaffle... and Betsey has the Quaffle! He's really heading to the goals with this one... passes to LaPoo, Runrin... back to Betsey... and he scores! The score is now tied, ten to ten. I think this is going to set up to be a rather exciting match, don't you think so, Johnny?

Johnny: Oh, I think it will be quite predictable. I mean, you saw at the world cup, when they had to replace Wosheph? I mean come on; the man can't save for the Meteorites anymore.

Frank: Well now the Stormers have possession of the Quaffle, Core is passing it to Pow... NO! Knocked out by a Bludger! LaPoo... LOOK AT FITCHERS! HE'S DIVING! BOYVOO HAS NO CHANCE TO CATCH UP WITH HIM! AND IT'S OVER! ALL OVER, Fitchers caught the Snitch; it's all over, all over...

Johnny: We see the Meteorites performing their victory fly, which is truly beautiful.

(The twig ends of the Meteorites broomsticks are spraying sparks at their end of the pitch.)

Frank: A wonderful match, Short, but sweet.

(A girl of about seventeen is jumping up and down in the back row of stands.)

Girl: We won! We won! This is better than the war of 1812!

Random kid: Oh no! It's Celestite! She's going to bore us all with her rants on Canadian History!

(The stadium clears out as fast as possible)

Celestite: Hey? Where is everyone?

Celestite: Can someone get me a maple dip and tea?

Celestite: A Fruit Explosion?

Narcissa Malfoy: Here you go.

Celestite: (Taking the muffin) Thanks.

(A thirteen year old enters)

Girl: I think we scared the rest of them away with our rabid Canadianess. And love for timbits. Here, want one?

(Celestite and Narcissa Malfoy both nod and take a timbit each)

Announcer: After this commercial break, Coach's Corner, with Ron Weasley and Cedric Diggory.

(Commercial Break)

(Three giants are in a forest.)

Giant: One time, me eat twenty Muggles.

(Mad laughter)

Other Giant: That nothing. One time, me eat entire Chinese restaurant. With China Muggles.

(Louder, madder laughter)

Yet Another Giant: Oh yeah? One time, me eat telephone pole repairman.

(Two other Giants are confused. Well, more confused then Giants usually are, because you see, one repairman? How wimpy!)

YAG: AND THAN I ATE THE POLE!

(Crazy, mad insane laughter)

Voice Over: Giants kill. Please send 20 galleons to Tim Florton's Giant Protection Society for Ignorant Muggles. Because Giant's kill.

(End of commercial break)

(Coach's corner music starts up.)

Cedric Diggory: (Slightly angrily) WELCOME TO COACH'S CORNER!

Ron Weasley: Well, Cedric. What kind of game was that?

Cedric: Pathetic.

Ron: But it was so interesting, the Queen taking the Snitch...

Cedric. The Queen is a hag.

Ron: You can't say that about the Queen! Why she's-

Cedric: LISTEN! And those Americans, stupid Texans. Can't even spell "Quidditch." Don't they know it's "C-U-A-D-I-C-H?"

Ron: I see your Hufflepuff years are coming back to haunt you.

(Cedric looks at Ron disgusted-like and then rolls his eyes.)

Cedric: Well those Texan Quidditch players only play Quidditch because they're too stupid to play Quodpot, which in my opinion is also a pretty wimpy sport...

Ron: Well, back on the subject of Canada's National Magical sport, what do you think about the Winnipeg Sweeps moving down to Phoenix, Arizona?

Cedric: The Winnipeg-The Winnipeg Sweeps... Once they're down in Phoenix there's gonna be all American players on the team, and all their chasers, Blurry and Bucker and Bakic are going to be left with no place to go. It's not like they can take the place of anyone on the Meteorites.

Ron: Right.

Cedric: This is serious! A Canadian team, moving to the 'Knighted States, is a bad thing! It's real bad.

Ron: All right then... what about Chad Fitchers? That was really spectacular, that catch.

Cedric: No it wasn't.

Ron: But-

Cedric: LISTEN! He caught the Snitch way too early. I told you, once these kids get cocky-

Ron: STOP GOING ON ABOUT MY WIFE'S OLD BOYFRIEND!

(Cedric and the crew look around helplessly, considering the fact that this never happened before. Ron himself is rather flustered.)

Cedric: Well, all you kids over in St. Georges, keep flying, and keep your broom in the air.

(Before the camera leaves, Celestite jumps up in front of the camera.)

Celestite: The Queen! I saw the Queen! Prince Phillip looked me in the eye....