Never Again

"I love her."

The words sting my ears, blood turning to icy shards and piercing my veins underneath the cold pallor of clammy skin.

"W-what?"

I lift my head from its warm resting place on his smooth chest, his fingers still caressing my bare shoulders as if nothing out of the ordinary has been whispered into the otherwise silent darkness surrounding us.

"I love her," he repeats, his voice tarnished with guilt and wavering a bit on the last syllable. I am suddenly numb, and he can sense it. Hollow inside, like an icy wind has just blown through my heart. "Wait," he murmurs as I sharply rise from the bed, my leg catching in the twisted sheets, still soaked from our last bout of passion. I pull at them fiercely, clenching my jaw shut to stop the tears from betraying my dismay.

"Lucius," he begs, fingers closing around my outstretched wrist. His touch is electrifying...agonizing...terrifying.

"No," I choke out, struggling underneath his grasp, wrenching my arm away from him as a wretched sob escapes my lips, bruises already forming where his fingers pressed against my pale skin.

"Lucius, please - " I focus my eyes upon the silvery ribbon of moonlight streaming through the bed curtains, spilling across his lithe form. My heartbeat pounds in my ears like a thousand cannons as I remember the feel of his body beneath my hands, the salty taste of the skin at the base of his neck, the throbbing waves of orgasm that surge through my body each time I take him, the sound of his voice as he screams my name - the memories dissolve before my eyes as the violent sobs rack my frame.

Never again...

"Oh God, Lucius, please don't - " silence swallows the rest of his words. Sinuous arms wrap around me protectively, gently pressing my face into the supple skin just below his chin. I cannot bring myself to pull away, and so I melt into his embrace, feverish from the delicious ecstasy of skin on skin, inhaling his intoxicating scent one last time. He smells of the outdoors: of the sun. I think even the sun must feel cold now.

"Why?" I cry against his throat.

"Because this is how it has to be," he whispers, pressing his soft lips against my hair. "We've always known that."

"But I love you," I weep to no avail for not a sound emanates from his tongue. "I *love* you! Doesn't that account for anything?" I feel his chest heave beneath me. I need no further answer as my heart shatters in my chest. He stands quickly, releasing me from his arms, his beautiful face turned away from me as he pulls on his robes.

"I have to go," he says, his voice unsteady, and sweeps the bed curtains back in one fluid movement.

"What? No, no please!" I beg, grasping for the edges of his cloak as he casts it about his shoulders. But he is gone. "Please, don't do this! Don't do this to me! I need you!" I exclaim into the nothingness, listening to my plea echo off of the cold stone walls surrounding me.

His face materializes from the darkness, quenching my eyes with a new round of salty tears that spill down my flushed cheeks as he leans forward and presses his lips against mine, his arms crushing me against him. I kiss him fervently and hungrily, knowing in my heart that this will be the last time. Fireworks explode in my mind's eye, mixing with the horrendous feelings of loneliness and abandonment that are creeping up and slowly extinguishing them. It is pure euphoria for a single moment in time -- and then it is over. We stand there with our foreheads pressed together, his breath hot upon my face, my fingers twisted in his obsidian locks.

"I love you," I declare in vain, hoping that perhaps he will change his mind and stay.

"I know." His fingers trail along my jaw line as he stares into my eyes for the last time. "Goodbye, Lucius," he whispers before vanishing into the surrounding blackness. I stand, disbelieving, my entire body trembling. I am alone. It cannot be true; he cannot be gone--!

But he is.

Never again will I taste his kiss.

Never again will I feel his arms around me.

Never again will I lay with him in the dark and listen to him breathe.

Never again will I smooth his hair from his eyes as he sleeps.

Never again will I pour my heart and soul into him.

Never again will I be free to love him.

Never again...

Never is an eternity, a length of time knowing no bounds.
How will I survive? How can I go on? How?

Perhaps if I can stop feeling, I can stop hurting so much.

"Goodbye, James," I whisper into the icy air of night.

And in the following months, the anger and hate readily surge through my mind, and I do not thwart them, allowing the bitterness and sorrow to manifest themselves in my heart and make it their eternal domicile.

~fin.