Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Part 5 - Loon Discovers Quidditch

It was Quidditch season at Hogwarts! This was a time of great rejoicing for all, because they could see their fellow classmates perform incredibly dangerous feats of stupidity on bits of enchanted wood hundreds of feet off the ground, all for the sake of a few points. So everyone was very excited, of course, and they were all talking about it in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"So do you think we shall beat Slytherin this year?" Ron asked Harry.

"We always beat Slytherin," Harry said. "Because Draco's a moron, and my broom is better than his broom."

"Brooms?" Leigh looked over at them, interested. "Is it time to scrub the floor?"

"Um... no," Harry said. "We were talking about Quidditch. With flying broomsticks."

"Broomsticks are descended from birdies?" Leigh gasped. "That means Rok must be their king, too!"

"No, these are magic brooms," Harry explained. He then went on to tell Leigh all the complicated rules of Quidditch, which the author is not going to type here, because we've heard it in all the official books already and don't need to hear it again.

"Oh," Leigh said when he was done. "Sorry, I wasn't really listening. Can you start again, from the part about apples?"

"What apples?" Harry shook his head. "No, never mind, I don't want to know."

Just then, Harry, who was of course the team captain ever since Oliver Wood left, boosting his ego even more, was struck by the sudden realization that there was still an empty space on the Quidditch team, and who would be better to fill it than Leigh? Ignoring the almost the almost infinite list of candidates who fit that description, Harry said, "Say, Leigh, how would you like to be a Gryffindor Beater?"

"No, I like my eggs scrambled," Leigh told him.

"What - " Harry stopped himself from asking just in time. "No, I mean the Quidditch position. You get to have a big stick and hit things with it."

"Like Cheese Men?" Leigh asked.

"Sure, Leigh, anything you like," Harry replied. "Now, just report to the Quidditch field tomorrow for the game we are playing against Slytherin and you will be on the team, because we never actually hold tryouts, as the captain apparently just chooses whatever players he or she wants. You also don't need to practice, because you are clearly as much of a natural at flying as I am, despite the fact that I've never seen you with a broom, let alone flying. See you there!"

The next day, Leigh joined the Gryffindor Quidditch team on the field for the pre-game pep-talk, carrying her brand-new Firebolt that she'd gotten from the same place she'd gotten her robes, textbooks, cauldron, and various other pieces of equipment.

"Good, Leigh, you're here," Harry said cheerfully. "Now, when the game starts, I want you to get on your broomstick and fly around hitting those big black balls at people."

Leigh looked at the broomstick suspiciously. "I think it was sent by the Bug People to steal our shoelaces as well as our bananas."

"Um..." Harry blinked. "No, Leigh, the broom is perfectly safe. I promise."

"They might already have you in their power!" Leigh objected.

"Wouldn't Rok have told you if I was contaminated?" Harry pointed out. "It's not the Bug People's doing. Really."

"Well... ok." Leigh nodded, picking up her Beater's club. "So what do I do again?"

"Hit the black balls at people," Harry repeated with forced patience. He looked around at the rest of the team, because the author needed an excuse to bring them into the story so she could name them. The Chasers were Hermione, Ron, and Ginny, despite the fact that none of them had shown even the slightest twinge of Quidditch talent in all their previous years at Hogwarts. Since Leigh was clearly such an amazing player, there was no need for a second Beater, so Harry had told whoever-it-was to just sit this one out. The Keeper was, for some strange reason, Terry Boot. Wait a minute...

"Ok, I'm sure you died this time!" Harry exclaimed, staring at Terry.

"I really don't know what you're talking about," Terry said, confused. "I never died. Honest!"

Harry sighed and shrugged. "Whatever."

At that point, Madam Hooch called everyone over to have the Pre-Game Handshake Rite of the Quidditch Cult. Draco Malfoy, clearly being the best choice for Slytherin Captain, shook hands with Harry, both of them squeezing so hard that a few of their fingers popped off. Madam Pomfrey hurried out to the field to fix them, and then the game began.

Harry was flying along peacefully, searching for the snitch, when a Bludger hurtled at him. He barely avoided it by being the main character and therefore being unable to die, and yelled, "Leigh, where are you? That Bludger nearly killed me!"

"But you said to hit the Bludgers at people," Leigh reminded him.

"Not at me!" Harry shouted. "At the Slytherins!"

"The Slytherins?" Leigh nodded. "You should have said so. I can do that." She flew off.

A few minutes later, Madam Hooch's whistle sounded. "Penalty to Slytherin!" she screamed. "Gryffindor Beater, you will not hit the Bludgers at the students in the stands!"

"Harry told me to," Leigh objected. "He said to hit the Bludgers at Slytherins."

Madam Hooch gave Harry a nasty glare, and let the Slytherin Chaser, Mysti Lake (somewhere far away, the author grins), take the penalty. She made it, naturally.

Meanwhile, Harry was having a discussion with Leigh. "You are only allowed to hit the Bludgers at the people flying around in the air, on brooms, wearing green robes," Harry said, making sure to speak slowly and clearly.

"Why?" Leigh asked.

"Because they're on the other team," Harry told her.

"Oh, are we picking teams? I want purple!" Leigh cried.

"No, Leigh, you're already on the Gryffindor team," Harry said quickly. "The red team." He sighed. "This game needs to be ended as soon as possible. I'll start looking harder for the snitch, despite the fact that I'm already supposedly doing my best. Everyone else, we never hear about actual Quidditch tactics, so just go ahead and do anything you want, as long as it looks good."

"What's the snitch?" Leigh asked.

"The shiny gold ball with wings," Harry explained. "The game doesn't end till it's been caught."

"Oh." Leigh considered this.

The game resumed, and went on for quite a while, with people scoring, and so on. Leigh was taking great pleasure playing with the Bludgers and trying to hit them in circles around the goal posts when she saw a flicker of shiny gold. Remembering what Harry had said about the snitch, she flew over to scoop it up.

Leigh held the snitch up as Harry flew by. "Look, Harry, I've got a pretty shiny thing!"

Harry sighed. Meanwhile the Bludgers, sensing a fatal distraction in their Beater, flew away to attack Terry Boot and knock him off his broom. He was high enough so that the impact upon hitting the ground killed him. "You know, I don't think this day can get any worse."

Suddenly, Draco swooped out of nowhere to snatch the snitch from Leigh. "Yes! I have the snitch! Victory is mine!"

Harry scowled. "I was wrong."