Wedding Lists

Wedding Lists

By Minnow

1

They're lying in bed one morning looking at the list. It's the list, Lily and James's wedding list. And they're trying to figure out what to get, and Remus groans, 'Pads, this stuff is all so expensive,' and Sirius protests, 'Hey, Prongs is my best mate, so we gotta get him something good.'

'We don't have to stick to the list,' Remus says. 'Wedding lists suck.'

'The Blacks don't do wedding lists,' Sirius says.

'They wouldn't,' Remus snorts, 'they're way too pureblood.'

Sirius makes a noise that could be a growl, and shows Remus how purebloods can kiss. Remus comes up for air, and says, 'Weddings aren't about gifts, they're about being in love and stuff,' and Sirius asks 'What stuff?' and Remus licks him, and Sirius says something like 'Gwah.'

After that, they get to thinking about their own amazing love, and Sirius says, 'Hey, Remus, d'you think we'll ever get married?' And Remus replies, 'No, for obvious reasons, idiot.'

So Sirius says, 'If we had a list, what would we put on it?'

Remus reminds him that the Blacks don't do wedding lists, and Sirius rolls over on top of him and they start to make out again, and a couple of hours later, Remus says, 'Oh, dear, the list is all crumpled,' and Sirius says 'We never made our list.'

Remus says, 'Pretty much the same as Prongs's list, but without Quality Quidditch Supplies as one of the wedding shops.' Sirius says, 'Why not? And we don't need dinner plates, do we, not for takeaways.'

Remus says, 'We could ask for a couple of dog bowls, though, 'cause Padfoot is really hard on those.' Sirius smirks at the words 'really hard', and rolls on top of Remus again, and it's a while before they continue the discussion. This time, the list's already on the floor, so it doesn't get any more crumpled, but Sirius says, 'I want a new collar too, Moony.'

'Yeah, black leather with studs,' Remus says, perking up no end. 'To wear, well, just about any time.'

Another while later, Sirius says, 'We'll have to list the pet shop in Diagon Alley as one of our stores, won't we?' and Remus rolls his eyes and says 'Duh.'

'A toaster,' Sirius says. 'Every couple needs a toaster.' 'Yeah,' Remus says, 'because your wand is the worst for toast. You always burn it.' Sirius gets mad and says, 'You're not much better, mate. Your toast always comes out half cooked.'

Remus hears that wrong, as 'half-cocked', and is insulted, and says, 'No half about it,' and yet another while later, Sirius says, 'What about a corkscrew?'

'Don't even mention screws,' Remus says, but they're both a bit tuckered out by that time, so he agrees, yes, a corkscrew. 'Though we can always use magic,' he adds.

Sirius points out that Prongs has a corkscrew on his list, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Remus mentions that he wouldn't mind a cage from the pet shop too, in case they're away or something on a full moon, but Sirius is looking at James and Lily's list again, and says 'Oh, brilliant, they've put sheets and blankets and things,' and Remus groans, and says, 'Don't even say it. You need a new doggy blanket, don't you?'

Sirus grins and says, 'Yeah, how'd you know that?'

Remus says, 'It's amazing, Pads, I have these things called eyes, right?' and Sirius says, 'They're quite pretty eyes,' and Remus snarls, 'Who're you calling 'pretty'?' and Sirius starts kissing the pretty eyes, and Remus goes all gooey inside, like he does.

A little while later, Sirius says, 'Seriously,' and snorts. 'Seriously, Moony, we could do with a few cans of Floo powder for when we go and see Prongs and Lily in the new house, because your Apparating isn't that great, is it?' and Remus is insulted and says, 'How did we get on to my Apparating?'

'You're the one who mentioned Floo powder,' Sirius replies, and reads from the list, 'Glasses, coffee cups, teapot... Hey, Moony, you'd like a teapot, wouldn't you?'

Remus says, 'I have a teapot,' and Sirius says, 'But it's that old Transfigured porcupine, and it leaks. I'll get you a new one for your birthday, babe.' Remus grumbles, 'Don't call me 'babe', Sirus,' but he snuggles up to Sirius and tickles him under the chin, like he does Padfoot.

Sirius giggles a bit and says, 'Hey, Moony, look at this, it must be a Muggle thing, an egg-timer. How d'you time an egg, for Merlin's sake?' Remus rolls his eyes again and says, 'You're such a twit, Pads, it's when you boil an egg,' and Sirius says 'You mean like when Lily puts the egg in hot water?' and Remus says, 'Obviously,' and Sirius says, 'Why bother, when you can, you know, just wave your wand?'

Remus says, 'Your eggs are always too soft,' and Sirius says, 'Who're you calling too soft?' and Remus groans and says, 'Not again, Pads, I'm still sore from the last six times,' and Sirius says, 'Well, there's plenty of other stuff we can do,' so they do it, and about twenty minutes later, Remus says, 'Hey, we really need a washing machine.'

Sirius is insulted, and says, 'I got a starred O for my Scouring Charms,' and Remus says, 'So you keep reminding me, but I never feel the sheets are quite clean.' Sirius gets alarmed and says, 'Hey, Moony, that's incredibly anal,' and this time Remus giggles, and a while later he says, 'But you know, Pads, we could do with a toaster.'

2

This is the Wedding List of Sirius Black, being of sound mind and body.

Two dog bowls. One for biscuits, one for tinned food and any rats Padfoot kills. Very tasty, rats.

One dog blanket with cute puppy motif.

One collar, black, metal studs

Two plates. Any plates will do. Maybe four, in case we break them. No, we can do Reparo, Remus tells me. Shut up, Moony. I'm trying to work here.

Sixteen wine glasses. Because Prongs always breaks one. Always. We can do Reparo, Remus tells me again, and I say nah, nah, not the way Prongs shatters a glass, mate. Sometimes he makes Lily sing very high, and that has the same effect.

A hundred wine glasses.

Sheets. Lots of sheets, because of Moony complaining that they never get clean. He takes them to this Muggle place called the Laundrette, which is fun. Lots of fit girls bending over the driers. Ow. Lay off, Moony, that was only a joke. Would you rather I'd said fit guys? Well, one Remus Lupin. Bending over a drier, what a thought...

Later. Where were we? Yes. Lots of sheets, because that Laundrette place keeps tearing them. Moony says the machines eat sheets. It's scary.

Knives and forks, because we both have good manners. Spoons. No, I am not thinking about double meanings here.

How many? One set each. And a few big spoons, for soup and puddings. Like my family have. Only without the crests. Stainless steel will do. No silver. It may be a myth, but better safe, etc.

Oh, right, bowls. For anything you can't eat directly from the container. Lily and James have sundae glasses on their list. Imagine only drinking once a week! Moony says that isn't funny. We'll have some of those too, because he loves those big ice cream confections with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Bookshelves. To house Moony's collection of, well, books. How exciting is that? I am drooling in anticipation of the bookshelves. I have books too. I own the entire set of Wizarding World Encyclopaedia. I took it with me when I ran away from home. Ha, ha. Only joking.

Two new broomsticks, because Moony's Apparation skills are a disgrace. It took him fourteen goes to pass, though he'll never admit it. He always gets his parameters wrong. For a clever guy, he can be a bit of an idiot, really.

One television. Spelt it right first go! Well, I always have been noted for my brains. It's a Muggle thing. You watch it. Search me. Moony wants one. I ask him, what's wrong with an early night, and he mumbles that he likes to watch the news. It's not even the wizarding news! We go to the Muggle pub because Moony says there's a programme on he mustn't miss, and it turns out to be some stupid game with a green table and guys drinking pints and pushing little coloured balls around. Weird. What's wrong with a sensible game like Quidditch?

While Moony's not looking, I'll just add, please don't get this television thing, anyone. I've got better plans for our evenings.

Mugs! Lots of mugs. For coffee and tea. But no teapot, because I've just bought Moony a beautiful teapot that makes the tea all by itself. Four cups. I found it at the Witches' Coven Kitchen Shop in Diagon Alley. It's shaped like a dragon and plays Happy Birthday when you pour the tea out. It was a birthday present (obviously!), not a wedding one.

A phoenix in a pear tree...Just kidding!

Photo frames, Moony says, for the wedding photos. I think he's joking, but we've got some great photos of us at school, though they may be a bit pornographic for the sitting room. Moony says he's never done anything pornographic. I need to remind him of that time in Seventh Year when Prongs opened the bed-curtains and took this photo - ouch. Okay, scratch the photo frames.

Instead, we'll ask for a large box of matches, to light the gas. Because even our wands don't work on this bloody Muggle gas stove. Believe me, we've tried. Not that we cook that much, but it's useful for warming the kitchen in winter.

Well, it's rather a pity we can't really get married, because now I want lots of new things. Perhaps Moony can dress up as a girl, in a white wedding gown, and we can sneak into a Registry Office one Saturday. Oh, all right, Remus. I'll wear the white dress, then. I'm a lot prettier than you are, anyway.

Yes, you're very pretty. Sorry, I mean handsome. Honestly. C'mere...

End