Carpe Diem!

Carpe Diem!

Why does this typical cliché-like 'bad guy' has such an attractive power on a seemingly 'nice woman' like me? Sure, as it is common knowledge, contrasts attract each other. But this seems a too short and a too simple answer to the complicated relationship I have with a certain 'bad guy' and it scoffs at all my considerations and doubts. And no one wants to be scoffed! I can tell I haven't made it easy for me or for him.

I still know that at the beginning I was lying in bed night after night, hardly sleeping for weeks and weighing every little aspect of my life as it was, as it could turn out and as it might be in the future with and without him. But despite all my thinking and doubting I found one fatal aspect that affected my decision: I loved him, I sill do after all those years we have been together. And that somehow indemnifies everything I had to live with. If you're happily in love you can take a lot more than you think you could under 'normal' circumstances.

But let's start at the beginning: everything began in one of those nights when I was lying awake and thinking 'bout my life: was I happy? I had to admit that the answer was yes.

But it was not a true doubtless yes; because I recognised that I was afraid...

I was afraid of the upcoming war and I feared for my family, for my friends and for our whole Wizarding World.

Dark and grey clouds were approaching on my mind and not a single little sunbeam could fight its way through them to shimmer down on me like a sign of hope. When you never get signs, you start to desperately searching them. I couldn't find any anywhere. So I got depressed and my once shining face darkened. And I was getting sick of it.

Weeks after that particular questioning night that Voldemort's threat became immensely huge, a lot of people - wizards and Muggles alike-, and among them some I knew, were injured, cursed or dead. This went on for months and I started to lose faith... that is the worst thing: losing faith (besides losing hope, which I also have lost before)! I stopped believing that one boy could turn our fate to good, like people were whispering. No one could even say that silly little hope aloud! Which proves that they, too, couldn't fully believe in Harry Potter, doesn't it?

In those hard times, I did what seemed subconsciously right to me: I fled.

And I fled - weirdly enough, even to me - into a sexual affair with a man from the 'dark side'; to say it clear: he is a Death Eater.

I knew him before (like people often do before they start an affair), because he knew my husband.

He was married, too, but who cares when you desperately need some comfort you can't get elsewhere?

But as our affair turned out to be on not just a sexual base but also with love, he somehow got rid of his wife. I don't know if he cursed or killed her and I don't want to; I already said he is a Death Eater, which proves his lack of conscience and morality. I think that he wanted to show me by getting her out of the way, that he wanted me to live with him. And by the way, he always said that she "bloody hell gets on my nerves." But I couldn't move with him.

And then it happened: my husband died. My dear husband! He got himself blown up on one of his stupid missions for the fucking Ministry! Well, it looked like that mission had been quite more dangerous than it had been rated! Well, it was an accident, everyone said. Tragic, but it happened.

That was the point where the frontier that separated good and evil began to blur for me. It came to mind that there was not only black and white but also a lot of different grey shades. A good man could not only be killed by a bad man but also by old age, diseases or accidents. And that was not the fault of any 'bad' man.

In this war there was no light or dark side. There were people who fought for what they believed in. Who could blame them for that? Everyone defends what he believes in!

And what else I learned was that my life could possibly take such an abrupt end, too. So I wanted to live happily, like every day could be my last one. Carpe diem!

And that was it. There was nothing left to keep me! So I left my children behind (they were old enough to care for themselves anyway) and moved to his place. They didn't understand and I don't blame them. How could they?

I just fell in love with a man who was not my husband... my husband was dead!

Besides, now I can taste all the advantages of being rich, because that man, that Death Eater, is enormously rich. Sure, that point was never what I was searching for; my family was not really poor, but we never could afford any luxuries. I never missed it. Even in my dreams I was never hunting for money; because you can't miss what you don't know.

That's a nice little accompaniment that goes with my love for my wonderful, dark Death Eater.

Everybody knows him and everybody knows that his wife is missing...

But he has a wife...

I am Molly Malfoy.