Two Stories Intertwined

Chapter 4: Caradhras and Moria

Progress was limited for a very long time due to Aragorn's inability to walk and Frodo's insistence on stopping for six meals a day. Harry spent a good amount of time conversing with Hermione. He found out that Hermione had been in several space battles, a gunfight, and a major world war in the last three weeks. He also found out that although he liked her as a friend, he would never, ever, go out with her.

Her horribly overblown case of obsessive-compulsive disorder had been grinding on his nerves for the last two hundred miles. She read tea leaves for Boromir and told him he was doomed. She spent days looking up cures for broken limbs in her Magical Cures for Common Ailments pocket book. She even went far enough as to try to heal Aragorn, at which he scrambled away into the underbrush. They found him the next day with severe frostbite. She also talked to Gandalf for hours on end about certain spells and their uses.

She was driving everyone nuts.

Perhaps that was the reason Gandalf decided to bypass the Gap of Rohan, the safest and quickest route to Mordor. Instead, they headed towards the mountain Caradhras, where everyone hoped that Hermione would fall into a precipice or catch hypothermia.

Sadly, this backfired. Everyone got hypothermia except for Hermione. Luckily, she managed to heal them all with a quick defrosting charm. Everyone, that is, but Aragorn. For some reason, it didn't work and he grew an extra arm. It only took Hermione a couple of days to remove it.

Of course, the question did come up. Why were they going to Mordor anyways? It was an incredibly dull spot, not a place you'd want to vacation in. In fact, it was mostly a desert, with a big salty sea in the middle of it. A large, menacing volcano spewed forth fire into the poisonous clouds that hung in the air. Why, asked several, did they even bother climbing these mountains and walking these long leagues towards this black land?

Gandalf tried to explain.

"You see," he said, "This ring thing has to be gotten rid of, and the only place to do so is that big volcano in Mordor."

"But why?" asked Harry, "What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing!" hissed Gandalf, "Except that it is the most evil thing in the known world."

And he would say no more about it.

Another thing began to hinder their progress. Several rivalries were beginning to spring up within the fellowship. A rift was quickly growing between Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn was heir to the kingdom of some country off in god knows where. Coincidentally, Boromir was heir to the stewardship of the same country off in god knows where. Boromir had already decided that it just killed him to have some stupid, upstart king show up at the exact time he was due to become steward. I mean, this country hadn't had a king in hundreds of years, why on Earth did one have to show up now? It was beyond belief.

Aragorn was miffed about having to become a king. All his life people had spent trying to kill him because he was some "heir of Isildur" or something. Now he had to leave his antisocial habits behind and go rule some people he had never met just so the race of men wouldn't vanish off the face of Middle Earth. It bothered him. And Boromir bothered him too.

Then there was this thing between Gimli and Legolas. Elves and Dwarves have never gotten along, but this was ridiculous.

Gimli, for one, hated how Legolas always looked perfect. He hated his beautiful blond hair and his elegant, tall figure. He hated his blue eyes and his perfect complexion. He never wasted a chance to rip out some of the elves hair, or splash him with mud.

Legolas, on the other hand, hated Gimli's abominable appearance. He hated the dwarf's tangled beard, that mess of lint he called hair, and especially the way that dwarf smelt. His braggish personality wore on Legolas like gritty sandpaper.

Soon it became clear to everyone that Caradhras was not the way to go. It seemed like the mountain wanted their quest to fail, so finally the whole party turned back. Boromir suggested taking the Gap of Rohan to his city of Minis Tirith, and then moving into Mordor. However, Gandalf wouldn't allow this. He was wanted in Rohan for stealing horses and needed to avoid it at all costs. So the party headed towards Moria, home of the dwarves.

On the way, Harry found an old, yellowed newspaper clipping on the side of the road. It read: Dwarven Catastrophe! Goblins Recapture Moria!

That's all right with me, thought Harry to himself, goblins aren't such bad people themselves. Hell, I have more experience with goblins then I do with dwarves anyways. Sure, goblins are a little bit creepy, but I can deal.

He neglected to mention the clipping to any other member of the Fellowship.

They got to Moria three days after they had set out from Caradhras. It was dark, and the wolves were howling all around. The huge walls of Moria loomed in the darkness. A black lake loomed in front of the walls. A large sign read: Please do not disturb the water.

Gandalf walked right up to the doors of the mines.

"Open sesame!" he yelled.

They did not open

He then set about trying to push the doors inward.

Aragorn flopped to the ground and set about retying his bandages. Hermione sighed and went over to look at the door. Legolas and Gimli tried to throw each other into the lake. Merry (or was it Pippin?) started skipping stones in the placid water.

"Stop, you numbskull!" cried Aragorn, looking agitated. "Can't you read?"

He pointed to the sign.

"Oh," said Mippin (since no one can tell them apart, we might as well combine them), shrugging. When Aragorn was not paying attention, he continued to skip stones.

Hermione examined the intricate writing above the stone door.

"What does it mean?" she asked.

Gandalf shrugged.

Something rippled out in the deep recesses of the lake. Something slimy and menacing. A few bubbles rose placidly to the surface of the water where they popped.

"By George, I've got it!" yelled Gandalf as the doors slid open.

"Wow," said Harry, impressed, "what did you do?"

"Nothing. The door just said to pull, and I was pushing."

Sure enough, as Harry looked up, bold letters in black read PULL. This was illustrated with a symbol of a dwarf pulling open a door.

Suddenly, there was a loud splash. The Fellowship turned around to see a huge see creature removing the curlers from its long, tentacles of hair. As each one hit the water of the lake, it sent up streaks of water, drenching the hobbits.

"Hey," grumbled Frodo, wiping the moisture from his eyes.

Then he began to scream.

"By the Valar, that is ugly!" he cried, throwing his hands up to shield his face.

"Whoa," agreed Harry.

The thing was huge. It was the color of dried blood, with gaping yellow eyes and a cavernous mouth full of teeth. Its head was rounded and smooth, with curly tentacles poking out at all angles. It had the body of a fish, and several longer arms, like an octopus might have. On one of its fins was a button reading PROUD TO BE A VEGETARIAN.

"What," asked Boromir in awe, "is a vegetarian?"

"Doesn't eat meat," rasped Harry, gazing skyward at the colossus rising in front of him.

"What do you mean, doesn't eat meat?"

"I mean, it doesn't eat beef or chicken or pork or human."

"Why not?"

Neither of them took their eyes off the apparition as they continued their conversation.

"I dunno," said Harry, "maybe it has something to do with its religion."

"Can't you read?" boomed the thing in the lake. It jabbed the DO NOT DISTURB sign with a long, scaly arm.

"Told you," Aragorn muttered under his breath to Mippin.

"Oh my god, oh my god," mumbled Frodo, hypervenalating, "someone kill it fast before it eats me!"

"But that's exactly my point," explained Harry, "It won't eat you because..."

He was too late. Sam, responding to the call of his master was already wading into the water after the creature. Aragorn and Boromir rushed in to protect their ring bearer.

"Stop it, you idiots," squeaked Hermione, whipping out her wand.

"Wait just a second!" screamed the creature in the lake, jabbing furiously at the button on its fin.

Hermione had her wand lifted high over her head to perform magic, but it was clear that she did not know who to aim at. Meanwhile, the humans began hacking at the lake beast.

"Whoa, you guys," it screamed, "let's think about this, shall we?"

"EEElendil!!" cried Aragorn, hacking off the vegetarian button. He turned suddenly to Harry.

"What's a vegetarian?" he asked.

"Errr..."

But Aragorn had already turned back to his work. In fact, he was so engrossed in hacking the monster to pieces that he did not notice when Boromir took a deliberate swing at his neck, over balanced, and fell backward with a splash into the lake.

"All right," called the creature, "this has gone far enough..."

With that, he picked up Aragorn, Boromir, and the rest of the Fellowship with one long, tubular appendage, and shoved them into the mines. Quickly, he shut the door after them, slamming it on Aragorn's hand. There was a muffled cry, and then silence. The creature sighed contentedly, then went off to find some trees to munch on.

"Ohhhh" moaned Aragorn, cradling his hand which had swollen to the size of a small balloon.

"Ohh shit," muttered Legolas, looking disdainfully at Gimli and ignoring Aragorn, "there's gonna be more of these dwarve things here, huh?"

"Or goblins," said Harry absentmindedly.

"Don't joke about things like that!" chided Gandalf hoarsly. He was dusting off his robes furiously.

Aragorn was stumbling around, moaning, and being just a general nuisance when he stumbled over something in the dark. There was a dull clatter and some grumbling.

"Get us a light, for God's sake," complained Frodo from somewhere over to Harry's left.

"I just don't know what's gotten into my cousins," said Gimli, "they usually keep the lights ohhhh...." he broke off as the first beams of Gandalf's staff crept across the dusty stone floor.

Corpses littered the ground. Over in a corner, Aragorn was huddled in a fetal position near what remained of a spine. Harry jumped backward from a dismembered hand, tripping over a skull in the process. Black feathered arrows were everywhere- in the walls, in the corpses, even in the cracks of the stone floor.

"Cool," commented Mippin, untangling a sword from the grip of a lifeless dwarf.

"No, this is not cool!" Gimli screamed hysterically, "These are my cousins!"

"Too bad," agreed Hermione, her hands on her hips. She bent down to examine something on the ground. It was a badge with writing across it. It read: POTTER STINKS.

"Harry, you'd better come look at this."

Harry stole a quick glance at the hobbits, who were tearing armor off of the dwarves, then headed over to Hermione.

"What?" he whispered.

"There's a Slytherin here," she said grimly, "I think that's what did this to these dwarves."

"No way," said Harry, gaping at the badge, "I..."

"Goblins!" cried Legolas, triumphantly holding up a black-feathered arrow. Over in a corner Aragorn swore loudly and drew his sword.

"I'm going to die!" screamed Frodo, sinking down on his hands and knees and covering his face with his hands. "I'm too young to die!"

"But Mr. Frodo," intervened Sam, "You're fifty years old!"

"Wait a moment..." started Harry.

"We've got to get out of here!" cried Boromir. "We have to take the gap of Rohan! We never should have come here."

"Are we talking about..." tried Harry again.

"What's a goblin?" asked Mippin quizzically.

"Yeah, what's a goblin?" repeated Sam and Frodo in unison.

"...the perfectly innocent if slightly ugly..." continued Harry, "...creatures that like to count money? Because if we are then maybe you guys are overreacting. In fact, I think the person that did this was a..."

He was interrupted by the echoing sound of Gimli banging his head against the closed doors of the mines.

"Shut up, you idiot!" said Aragorn in a harsh whisper, "You don't want them to hear, do you?"

"A goblin," explained Gandalf in much too loud of a voice, "is like a juvenile delinquent elf."

"What?" asked Harry, confused.

"I'm hungry," complained Mippin noisily.

"Shut up!" insisted Gandalf.

Mippin sulked off into a corner and began fooling around near a small well.

There was a crash. All threads of meaningless conversation halted. Every head turned towards Mippin angrily.

"Gee, you guys," he stammered, "I just wanted to see if the skull hit the bottom before the bucket did."

"Fool of a Took!" grumbled Gandalf angrily, "I'm going to see if you hit the bottom."

And with that he hauled Mippin up, over and into the well. Moments later there was a muffled scream and a thud.

"Damn upstart hobbit," mumbled Gandalf. He strode over to the well and looked down into it.

"You just gave away our position, did you know that?" he screamed into the darkness, moving his arms furiously like windmills. There was no reply. Satisfied, Gandalf sat down on the edge of the well and picked up a dusty book from the decayed hands of a corpse.

"Hmmm..." he said, "...fascinating."

Aragorn rolled his eyes and loosened his grip on his sword. He took a moment to glare at Harry, then sat down on the ground. He had barely settled when a BOOM!! shook the cavern, causing stone fragments to fall from the ceiling.

"What was that!?" cried Frodo, from his hiding place behind Sam.

"Drums!" yelled Gandalf wildly, "Drums in the deep!"

"What is he talking about now?" grouched Gimli.

"Omigod, they're coming!" squeeked Boromir, who had been peering out into the long stone hallway that connected to the dark, inner mines.

"Who?" asked the rest of the fellowship in unison.