Outward Appearances

Lily shuffled guiltily in the shadow of the bleachers.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team was sailing overhead, but she was confident that they wouldn't be able to see her from their angle. She couldn't really see them, so she assumed that they couldn't see her.

Beelzebub was twisting and snarling against her leash, but Lily wasn't paying her any attention. She was already regretting this whole idea. Where was her pride? What if someone caught her doing this? No one walked their kneazle! Not that Lily had ever seen anyone else with a kneazle...

What was she doing? Was she really stalking James? Had she sunk so low?

Lily's heart gave a twinge. She just wanted to see him. Was that so bad?

This was all Black's fault. The stupid oaf had gone and given her stupid innuendo indicating that James might still feel... Her brain shut that thought down, unwilling to admit that was why she was there. There was another reason for coming out here today. Beelzebub just made for a nice cover.

Anyway, it wasn't like she was doing anything wrong. She was perfectly entitled to be there. Besides, it was near impossible to corner him anywhere else for what she wanted to say. That was all.

"Lily?"

She let out a squeak of surprise at the close voice, and Daphne laughed at her. "Sorry. I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

"You didn't," she said unconvincingly, putting a hand over her racing heart. Running into Daphne hadn't been part of the plan.

"I guess you were too busy spying on James to hear me coming," she teased.

Lily felt her heart sink at the ease of which she was found out. It fell even further when she saw a group of selected groupies standing off to the side, clearly waiting for Daphne and watching her.

"That is what you were doing, isn't it?"

Lily held up the leash as a defense, but glancing down, she realized that Beelzebub had gnawed through the leather and was nowhere in sight. Wonderful. "I wasn't--"

Daphne held up her hands. "It's okay, Lily," she said, smiling. "I understand."

"No, you really don't. I--"

"I admit that you had me worried, but I think it's wonderful that you're taking initiative."

"Initiative?" she echoed blankly.

"Look, we're all going up to Mosley's room for some butterbeer. Did you want to come? I think James is coming."

Stuck in a room with James and the Quidditch groupies? Panicking, she shook her head in the negative. "No."

"Are you sure? This could be a good time to try--"

"No," she said more firmly. "I have somewhere I need to be, and I seem to have misplaced my pet."

"Uh-huh," she said dubiously. "Well, if you're sure..."

"I am. But thank you," she added, not wanting to be rude. She liked Daphne, but she wouldn't be dragged into a situation more awkward than entering the Great Hall in nothing but her skivvies.

Daphne nodded disappointedly. "Okay. Then, I guess I'll see you."

"Yeah," she said, watching as Daphne rejoined with the groupies. Once they had disappeared from view, she figured that it was time to find Beelzebub and get out of there before--

"I think you lost this."

Lily's heart really did stop. She slowly turned around and looked up at James. He was still in his Quidditch gear, holding his broom. In his free hand, he was holding Beelzebub, and the damn thing was purring up a storm, the traitor.

Her face burned, but she reached out and took her pet, noting with annoyance that James was barely looking at her.

"Thank you," she said, aware that this was the closest they'd been since that time in the doorway before Rosier had to go and ruin everything.

He shrugged and Lily took a breath to say more before she realized that he was already walking away from her.

"Wait!" she cried.

James paused and stared down at her with a blank expression that made her squirm uncomfortably. It was like he was looking through her, like she didn't even exist for him anymore.

"I don't mind."

It took Lily a second to realize that she was the one that had spoken. She felt an embarrassed flush spread up her neck, and it only got worse when James gave her an annoyed look. "What?" he said curtly.

Once she'd started, she couldn't seem to stop. "I just wanted you to know that I don't mind. That you're going with Bella, I mean," she stammered.

"Oh, I'm so glad that I have your permission," he said sarcastically. "Now, I can sleep at night."

Lily felt more heat rise up into her face, this time due to anger. She hadn't been anticipating direct antagonism. "I'm trying to be gracious, here, Potter," she said slowly, "for Bella's sake. So, the least you can do is play along."

James' eyes flashed at her. "Why should I?" he asked quietly.

She pursed her lips, struggling for patience. "Because Bella is my best friend, and we're in for an awkward time if we can't at least pretend to get along."

James snorted and started walking away from her. "What if I don't feel like it?"

Lily felt her frustration snap and she was stomping after him before she knew what she was doing. Beelzebub jumped from her arms with an annoyed snarl. "Don't you walk away from me, Potter! I'm trying to tell you that I don't mind, and you're going to listen, damn it!"

James rounded on her and yelled, "I do mind!"

He left Lily sputtering in confusion and continued toward the locker room. She followed him again, feeling an unexplainable pain in her chest. "What did you say?" she demanded.

"You heard me," he muttered.

"Yeah, I did," she muttered back. She was practically jogging to keep up with his swift pace. "What do you mind?"

"You know what!" he cried, giving her an exasperated look.

"No, I don't!" she insisted. She was abruptly reminded of past arguments that were equally futile.

"I shouldn't have to tell you," he said, glaring sideways at her. He made no effort to slow down despite Lily's obvious puffing.

Lily's fists clenched at her sides, but patience had long since shriveled. "Will you stop acting like a child?" she snapped.

"Oh, you're one to talk," he said viciously.

Fed up, Lily stopped in place. It took James a few paces to realize that she wasn't with him anymore. He turned around and came marching back, eyes burning like sapphire coals.

"You don't get to come to me being all gracious! I don't want that!" he snapped. His cheeks were flushed with fury and exertion, and Lily might have taken a cautious step backward if she weren't so irate herself. The only match for James' temper was her own.

"I don't care what you want!" she yelled back, feeling the anger like static beneath her skin. It was a living, breathing animal inside her.

"Well, there's a change," he snarled.

"Fuck you, Potter," she spat, and it hurt just that much more saying it, because she meant it, and she meant it after having been with him, body and soul. Staring at him now, seeing that hateful look on his face, Lily suddenly just felt raw. She didn't want to be doing this anymore.

She didn't want to feel this.

Maybe a part of her had been hoping for this fight, because at least it was attention, even if it was negative attention, but she hadn't counted on how much it would hurt. Just being near him with the way things were between them...

Blinking back frustrated tears, Lily turned and started walking away. This was such a stupid idea.

"Oh, that's right, Lily!" James yelled after her. "Just keep on running!"

"It's what I'm good at, isn't it?" she shouted back over her shoulder, angrily wiping away the tears. Everything was so frazzled up in her head, and she wanted to get as far away from James as she could before she finally went over the edge and took a broom to his already inflated head.

"It's not the only thing you're good at."

Lily froze as a cold hand gripped her heart and squeezed. She briefly shut her eyes before turning and forcing her legs back toward James. "What did you say to me?" she asked edgily.

"Rosier sure is looking happy these days," he said flatly.

Lily wanted to strike at him. Her fingers practically ached with the sensory memory from the last time when she had struck him. "I fail to see how that has anything to do with either you or me," she said through clenched teeth.

He snorted. "Yeah, right."

Lily suddenly wanted to exploit James' insecurity over Rosier and exacerbate it. He damn well deserved it after having practically called her a whore when he should have known that there was no one but him. It hadn't been that long, and she couldn't even bring herself to imagine being with anyone else anytime soon.

He should have known better. He should have at least had the grace to leave any allusions to sex out of this argument's equation after they'd... James deserved to have an inkling of what she was feeling right now. He deserved to experience that stab of pain she'd felt after Marcella told her he had asked Bella to go with him to the dance.

Nonetheless, Lily wasn't going to give it to him, because she was just so tired of all these games. It couldn't possibly be worth it to pretend to be dating Rosier. She had done something similar with Gallaway, and that hadn't done her any favors then, either.

The truth between them was hard enough right now.

"I'm not going out with Rosier," she said truthfully. "But even if I were-- even if I was bloody well diving into his shorts with nothing but bells on-- it wouldn't be any of your business, James Potter. So, you can take your righteous indignation and stuff it straight up your arse."

James got in her face and pointed an accusing finger at her. His voice was low and dangerous. "You knew how I felt about Rosier, and I thought I knew how you felt. Now, it looks like you were only telling me what I wanted to hear. So, which is it, Lily? Because from here it doesn't look like you hate him after all!"

"I don't hate him," she said scathingly, "but you're getting pretty close."

James stepped back and choked on a humorless laugh. His entire body was taut with the strain of holding back, and she could feel his furious tension radiating out in waves.

Lily wanted to push those last buttons and make him snap. Her words were brittle. "I'm going with Rosier because I want to. Being with him will be about a thousand times better than being anywhere near you!"

His frustration finally exploded and he shouted in a booming voice, "How could you do this to me? How could you get involved with him again?"

He startled her with his intensity, but Lily got right back into his face and shouted back, "How could you ask my best friend to go to that fucking dance with you, when you knew how it would look to everyone-- to me? Were you trying to get at me?"

James glared daggers at her, but she said, "Real mature, Potter. Next time, just try pulling my ponytail instead of stalking me in the library."

"I haven't been stalking you!"

"The hell you haven't! You've been everywhere! You're always staring at me and trying to get my attention."

"I'd have to be pretty masochistic to still want your attention," he said bitterly.

Lily flinched a little at that, but she just couldn't seem to stop herself. "You said it, not me."

"Forget it," he snapped, abruptly turning and heading back toward the locker room.

"Don't you dare walk away from me!" Lily shrieked, running after him. "I want to know what the hell you were thinking! Were you trying to hurt me? Were you trying to embarrass me? Were you punishing me for going with Rosier?"

"Shut up, Lily!" he yelled, disappearing into the locker room. She didn't even hesitate before following him in. Her shoes clicked against the tile, and somewhere it registered in her mind that the showers were running.

There was a loud crashing noise, magnified by the room, as James threw his broom against the lockers. He turned and gave her a fierce look. "You're punishing yourself by getting involved with him again," he snapped. "I don't give a damn, but I didn't know you were that stupid."

"Don't call me stupid," she hissed. "I'm not the one who lied to me about McCoy."

James gave a frustrated growl and clutched his head like it might implode. "Are we back to that again? Let it go, Lily!"

"Oh, I'm letting it go all right," she said, marching up to him. "Because McCoy can have you! They can all have you! I don't want you anymore!"

The walls echoed their harsh words back to them, but it didn't stop them.

"I don't want you anymore!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

Lily gasped as James abruptly smashed her up against the lockers. She didn't even have time to take a breath before they were kissing.

It wasn't a conscious decision, and Lily's heart did seem to implode within her chest, but she was scrambling for as much of James as she could reach. His damn cloak had to go, and she ripped it from his shoulders. It fell under their feet, but no one picked it up.

His mouth was hard and demanding, and his glasses were pressing into her face. He gasped her name between kisses, and she whined and clung to him, pressing hard enough against him to make them into a single decipherable shape.

She didn't know that she wanted this, but she did-- more than anything right now. Her mind had instantly become fragmented so that the piece which realized that this didn't make any sense sped far away.

Lily's breath caught when James simultaneously shoved his tongue into her mouth and reached down to grip underneath her thigh. He pulled her leg up around him, and then they really were as close as they could get. Her fingers scrambled up and down his back, and she moaned greedily. It was as if she had been living encased in a block of ice, and now everything was just melting with impossible heat.

James moved his hand that had been bracing against the lockers and gripped a handful of her hair. He tugged at the strands and forced her head back further to allow for a better plunder of her mouth. Small shocks of pain went up her scalp, but Lily's body writhed wantonly against his.

She couldn't get enough. It was like finally getting air after hours of suffocation. James... This... It was everything.

Her hand fell to his waist and she impatiently pulled at his jumper until it came free from his pants. She dipped beneath the fabric and splayed her hand against warm skin that seemed to buzz with life beneath her fingers.

She needed more, and if James' frantic pressure against her was anything to go by, then he needed it, too.

A shaking hand dropped down to the button on his trousers. Her clumsy fingers worked at it, and James groaned against her mouth. He released her leg and gripped handfuls of her skirt instead. Lily shivered at the sensation of cold metal against her thighs as the material was dragged up.

Her hand was just reaching into his trousers when James abruptly dragged his mouth from hers with an audible gasp. His hand caught hers before she could venture further, and Lily's eyes snapped open. She stared at him with confusion. What was he doing? "James?" she gasped.

He didn't respond, and Lily stared at him as her vision slowly cleared of the lustful cloud that had descended when James pushed her up against the lockers. His mouth was bruised, and his face was flushed with arousal, but James' eyes had never been more lucid while they were this close to her.

Lily felt her heart sinking even before he actually moved away as if she had burned him.

"I'm sorry."

No. Please, no! Not yet!

Feeling desperate, her hand twitched as if to reach out for him. He couldn't leave her like this. It wasn't fair. She needed him.

But Lily could see the resolve on James' face as he backed away from her, and she knew that this wasn't going to happen. For whatever reason, it just wasn't.

A cold wave descended on her. Lily closed her eyes and focused on the pounding of her own heartbeat. She could already feel the heat from him draining away, leaving her with nothing but aching disappointment. "Why?" she croaked, unable to voice anything more.

"You're... I'm... I didn't..." James turned away from her and hid his face in his hands. "God, Lily," he groaned, "we can't. Not again."

"Can't...?"

"Fuck!" he cried hoarsely, punching a fist into the lockers.

She jumped as a reflex and watched as James stomped out of the locker room, still wearing his Quidditch gear and without looking back. He didn't even remember to retrieve his broom.

Dazed, Lily stood there, listening to the sound of water dripping somewhere off to her right. She vaguely realized that her legs were shaking, and she slowly slid down the lockers until she hit the floor. With a dry sob, Lily buried her face in her knees. How had she come to this?

The sound of footsteps made her look up quickly, thinking that James had returned. Unfortunately, the sound was coming from the opposite side of the locker room, and Lily glanced up just in time to see Benjamin Kingsley emerge from the showers, wet and completely naked except for a towel slung over his arm. He made it a few steps before he noticed her on the floor.

Shocked, they stared at one another.

Finally, Kingsley gave a jolt and tried to cover himself with the towel. "GAH! Evans!"

Snapping back to herself, Lily panicked and hastily covered her eyes. "I'm sorry!" she cried, stumbling to her feet blindly. "I'm really sorry!"

There were fumbling noises and the slam of metal against metal, indicating that Kingsley had gotten into his locker. "The shouting stopped, and I thought--" He suddenly started laughing, apparently having gotten over his surprise. "If you wanted a peak, then all you had to do was ask."

"No!" she squeaked through her mortification. "I didn't mean-- I didn't--"

He was still laughing. "Evans, get out."

"I'm going!" She took a step backward and bumped into the bench, almost falling over it. Taking a risk, she opened her eyes and sprung around before she could glimpse anymore of Kingsley's anatomy. His laughter followed her as she fled from the locker room.

Lily's face burned with humiliation as she raced back to the castle, and not only because of Kingsley. The image of James walking away from her again was permanently burned across her eyelids. Her brain was finally starting to function again, and she couldn't believe her lack of self-control. She had just thrown herself at him, and even the promise of sex hadn't been enough to lure him back.

The rejection felt like a hot poker, and the tears burned against her eyes.

She was never going to be able to face him again. How could she?

A loud mewling at her heels drew Lily's attention to the fact that Beelzebub was running along with her. Ashamed to have forgotten her, Lily paused and scooped Beelzebub up before continuing on her way.

Black had been wrong when he'd insinuated that James would be happy to get back together with her. She was almost sure that was what he had been insinuating. If not, then what was the 'he could be better' supposed to be about? This was all his fault. He'd set her up for this.

Everyone was wrong. They were never going to get back together. Clearly, James didn't want to. He ran out on her like she had an infectious disease. Lily hadn't even realized that she wanted to until now. The realization made her feel sick, and she was amazed at how quickly the issue of McCoy or whoever else had gone right out the window as soon as he'd touched her. She was pathetic.

Lily choked back another sob, determined not allow this hollow ache inside her chest to drive her to tears before she got back to the safety of her dorm room. Why had she done this to herself? She should have just left well enough alone. She was doing just fine before this.

With some effort, Lily managed to school her face into a neutral mask by the time she reached her dorm. She was ready to disappear behind her bed curtains and lose it when she entered the room.

But the sight that greeted her made Lily pause.

Her roommates were gathered around her bed, and they glanced up guiltily when they realized she was there. Marcella and Vivian began talking at once.

"Lily, we don't know what happened--"

"It was before we got here--"

Lily ignored them and moved closer to her bed, suddenly spotting what they were all looking at. There was a pile of green strips littering her bedspread, and upon closer inspection, Lily realized that they seemed familiar. What the...?

She felt the blood leave her face, and she dropped Beelzebub. "Oh, no," she breathed. "No, no, no."

Her friends gave her sympathetic looks as she scooped up a handful of the material and confirmed that it was indeed all that remained of her dress for Sieranda's ball. As if she needed further confirmation, Justinian's customary tag was sitting in the center of the heap.

"What happened?" she cried.

Vivian indicated toward Lily's open closet. "I just wanted to borrow a blouse, and I saw this on the floor."

Beelzebub was sniffing at Marcella's discarded scarf, but she stiffened when three accusing stares turned to her. "You!"

Lily made to grab her, but Beelzebub darted under Vivian's bed before she could get close enough. "Damn you!" she yelled, slamming her fist on the floor out of anger.

She pulled herself to her feet and returned to inspect the extent of the damage. "Any chance either of you have repairing skills that I don't know about?" she asked hopefully.

They both shook their heads, and Lily sighed regretfully. This was karma for what she'd done to Petunia's closet. It had to be. For whatever unjust reason, Petunia had a divine being looking out for her. Why was life so unfair?

Lily stood there for a moment as she experienced the full weight of her extremely bad day. All of the bad feelings and negativity spun together like a blanket of nails around her. She would have given anything for a Melancholy Cure right then.

"What are you going to do?" Vivian asked.

That was easy enough.

Waving them both off, Lily pulled the curtains closed around her bed and allowed herself to have a good, long, silent cry.

*********************

The days leading up to Sieranda's ball were a blur.

Everyone was doing last minute preparations, and Gryffindor Tower was abuzz with activity. Lily couldn't turn around without a younger year, carrying a new barrette or a pair of shoes, bumping into her.

Lily didn't want to bring anyone else down, despite the fact that she felt like dung for about 22 out of every 24-hour day, so she did her best to put on a happy face. It was only after she received a letter from Justinian that told her in no uncertain terms that there was no way he could just "whip her up" another dress in time for the dance, that Lily finally allowed her disaffection to show.

"I don't think I'm going," she admitted out loud.

Arabella glanced up in surprise. They were alone in the dorm for once, and her friend had been busy writing a letter to her sister, Nadine. "What do you mean?" she said. "Since when?"

Lily shrugged, momentarily giving in to her self-pity. "It just doesn't feel right anymore. I'm not as excited as anyone else seems to be. My dress is ruined, and it's all becoming too much of a hassle. Marcella just may never forgive me for going with one of Rex's Slytherin friends, and I don't want to put Gus in the middle of that. It hardly seems worth it just to go with Rosier, who is more than likely going to prove a horrible dancer and will probably spike the punch and hide the evidence in my purse, only to incriminate me later."

Arabella stared at her. "Wow. You've really thought this through, haven't you?"

Lily shrugged again, and Arabella smiled sympathetically. "Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Potter is taking me?" she asked, looking far too understand for Lily's taste.

She sighed, wishing that the whole thing were over and done with so that they could go on with their lives. "No, Bella. I meant it when I said that I don't mind. It has nothing to do with either you or James."

Arabella nodded, but she didn't seem entirely convinced. She would have been even less so if Lily had bothered to tell her about the disastrous encounter in the locker room.

Vivian, having come in at the tail end of the conversation, said, "Why should Lily care that you're going with James? Unless, of course, he's going to be sticking his tongue down your throat... Um, he's not, is he?"

Arabella looked like she may very well be sick. "Viv, if I were you, I'd check your food from now on before you eat it," she said shakily.

Vivian looked confused. "How come?"

"Because I'm going to be poisoning it."

Vivian's eyes widened, and Lily laughed, suddenly very thankful for Arabella. If it weren't for her, than Lily may never have smiled again.

"You might want to sit down for a minute, Bella," she suggested. "You actually turned green for a second there."

Arabella did sit. She gave Vivian a dark look. "Seriously, Viv. That was just wrong."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't object if he wanted to--" She froze, apparently realizing that Lily was still in the room. "Err-- I mean... Uh..."

Lily glared at her, feeling old insecurities flaring up again. "I'm sure your boyfriend will be glad to hear it."

Vivian shrugged sheepishly. "Sorry, Lily. Reflex?"

Arabella turned to her. "I'll bring the arsenic if you'll bring the cocktail." Lily shook her head, feigning sadness. "Poor Ross."

Vivian gave her an incredulous look. "You mean Rob? My boyfriend Rob?"

They blinked at her. "You're still with Rob?" Lily asked.

Vivian made an exasperated noise and put her hands on her hips. "You guys! I've been with him for months!"

"Rob, Ross, Grindelwald-- What difference does it make?" Arabella snapped. "It's Vivian."

Vivian glared at them. "I take so much abuse from the two of you," she said accusingly.

"Darling, if we were Slytherins, you'd be dead by now," Arabella deadpanned. "So, be grateful."

Lily nodded sagely. "It's true, Viv."

Vivian sighed and headed back toward the door. "I hate you all."

Arabella waved her off and returned her attention to Lily. "Are you sure you don't want to go?"

Lily stared at the door that Vivian had just closed, feeling slightly guilty. "Bella, do you think we're self-centered?"

Arabella snickered. "Which day of the week?"

Lily snickered, but she tried to school her face into a serious expression. "I'm serious, Bella. Gus said that we weren't very good friends. Maybe he had a point."

"No, Gus said that we weren't being very good friends to Marcella. He never even mentioned Vivian."

"Ah."

Arabella gave her a look. "Lily, you just evaded my question."

"Yeah, I know." She gave a forlorn sigh. "No, I really don't want to go. However, that stubborn, self-preservative streak I seem to have suggests to me that Rosier would probably kill me if I even tried to back out at the last minute. He might not have time to get another date, since McCoy already has one."

Arabella gave her that sympathetic smile again. "Lily, you know he only wants to go with you."

She frowned, avoiding her friend's eyes. "Yeah, I know."

Arabella stared at her for a long time with a strange expression on her face. Lily fidgeted uncomfortably under her gaze until she finally asked, "What?"

Arabella stood without a word and moved over to her closet. Curious, Lily followed her. "Bella?"

Her friend pulled out a box, and she handed it to Lily with a wry smile. Bemused, Lily took the box and stared at it. "What's in it?"

Arabella rolled her eyes. "Just open it."

Lily cautiously tugged off the lid, half-expecting something to jump out at her. Her eyebrows rose when she saw the shiny fabric.

A dress?

She let the box fall away, leaving the dress in her hands. It was beautiful, with thin shoulder straps and shimmering robin egg-blue fabric.

Awed, Lily moved to the vanity mirror and held it up against herself. It would come to just above her knees, with a tasteful slit up the side.

"How much did this set you back?" she asked softly, still staring at her reflection.

"Not so much that you can't repay me."

Startled, Lily met her friend's eyes in the mirror. "What?" She couldn't have heard her right.

Arabella smiled at her. "A series of small payments will do just fine."

"Oh, no, Bella. I couldn't," Lily stammered. "This is your dress."

She tried to give it back to her, but Arabella stepped away from her. "I have other dresses. You need a dress. I fail to see the problem," she said calmly.

"No, no," she insisted. "I was just going to wear a potato sack. The look on Rosier's face will be priceless, I promise."

Arabella snorted. "Tempting, I admit, but no. You need a dress, and this is the one. To be honest, I even thought of you when I saw it. It called to me. Must have been fate."

Lily looked her straight in the eye. "You're lying."

"Well, yes," she admitted, "but that's irrelevant."

Lily bit her lip and reluctantly returned her gaze to the mirror. She couldn't help the desire that welled up inside her. She didn't even have to try it on to know that it was going to look as good as a dress ever could on her. She could feel her reluctance crumbling.

"But--"

"But nothing! The subject is closed! The dress is yours and you owe me big time."

Lily gave a disbelieving laugh and looked down at the dress in her hands. It really was spectacular. She felt her lips curve into a gentle smile. "Thank you, Bella."

"You can take that thanks all the way to Gringotts," she said with a smirk.

Lily laughed. "Oh, I'll be paying you back all right."

"Starting with lending me those amethyst earrings to go with my spare dress," she said with a pointed look.

"Anything you want," Lily said agreeably. "You can even have them if you want."

Arabella rolled her eyes. "Your firstborn child will do."

Grinning, Lily returned her attention to the mirror. She was going to have to do some transfiguration to a pair of her shoes so that they would match, but it would be worth it.

Arabella came up behind her and met her eyes in the mirror. She leaned over and whispered, "It'll be wasted on Rosier."

Lily felt a tightening in her chest, but she forced a tight smile onto her face. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it, nonetheless."

Arabella snorted and sprawled herself across Vivian's bed. "His appreciation sort of cheapens the dress, though, doesn't it?"

Lily sighed and gave her a look. "Are you regretting giving it to me?"

"You better believe it! That thing was bloody expensive! It'll take you ages to pay me back! Not to forget the shock value I was going to get when everyone saw me in that baby."

"Bella! I thought you wanted me to take it!"

"I do," she said with a smile tugging at her lips. She stood again and the smile became sly. "Still, it's a shame that you didn't have anything else to wear."

Lily shrugged and watched through the mirror as her friend sauntered over to the door. Bella turned back and said casually, "I suppose that black bag must have gone missing."

Lily froze as her heart stopped. Her eyes shot to Bella's in the mirror and the room became hazy around them.

The bag that Lily had left in the tunnel, the one that had spent many months under her bed without detection-- Arabella knew. She would have looked inside and seen the costumes and the masks...

She would know.

Bella's eyes twinkled. "You know, some people should find better hiding spots for their oh-so-secret stashes if they want to keep their oh-so-chic secret lifestyle a secret."

With that, she shut the door behind herself, leaving Lily alone with her astonishment. Numbly, she moved over to her bed and collapsed into a sitting position. She stared at the floor, not really seeing it.

She wondered how a person could remain so blind.

*********************

No one was more relieved when the night of the dance finally arrived than Lily Evans.

No one.

After that night, they could all move on with their individual lives. There wouldn't be anymore of these unfortunate entanglements. Bella wouldn't need to have any more to do with James, and Lily would never have to speak to Rosier again if it didn't please her. She just had to get through the next few hours.

Lily was the first to finish getting ready, and she left her roommates to wait for Rosier at the bottom of the steps up to Gryffindor Tower as they had previously planned. She stood there in her shimmering gown and transfigured shoes, with diamond earrings dangling at her cheeks and her hair pinned up, feeling somehow lost in the throng of it all. Granted, there were no gold tattoos circling her ankles or wrists, but it still felt odd to be dressed up along with her classmates.

Gus suddenly appeared from around a corner. He was brushing off his dress robes, looking nervous and rushed. He spotted Lily and came trotting over.

"Before you say anything," he stated quickly, "I know that you don't approve of my taking Marcella.

Lily opened her mouth, but Mundungus cut her off. "No! I know how you feel, and I know that it might even just be wishful thinking on my part that it could ever be anything more than friendship on her part, but--"

"Gus--"

"No, let me say this! I know how you and Bella feel about this, but I really like her, Lily. She deserves so much better than what that guy did to her. I want to be there for her. She needs someone solid in her life."

"I know, but--"

"I can be that person, Lily! I've never had the chance before, but I know that we can be good together. She's amazing, and she really listens--"

Lily abruptly gripped his face and kissed him hard on the cheek. She smiled at his stunned expression. "I completely agree." But if Gus was going to start waxing poetic over Marcella, then she may very well have lost her lunch.

"Oh," he said sheepishly, blushing bright red.

She patted his shoulder. "You look real sharp, Gus," she said affectionately. "Marcella's lucky."

He beamed at her. "Thank you, Lily. I appreciate that, even if you just employed one of Potter's tactics for getting me to shut up."

Lily feigned a gasp. "Potter was using that tactic on you, too? I never knew," she teased.

"Ha, ha."

Lily lightly bumped her shoulder against his. "I told you about that?"

He made a face. "Unfortunately."

"For us all," said Arabella, the purple vision, as she descended the staircase to join them. For wearing a stand-by dress, she still managed to look stunning. Her dark hair, spattered with tiny amethyst stones to match Lily's borrowed earrings, helped to really make the purple dress work. Lily felt a little less guilty for stealing Bella's first choice ensemble.

"What are you doing down here?" Lily asked her. "Shouldn't you be waiting in the common room for James?"

Arabella shrugged. "If he isn't smart enough to find me down here, then I'm better off going alone."

"You look nice, Bella," Gus said.

"Nice? I look fantastic. Even with her best spell, Morgan le Faye couldn't touch me."

"So modest, too," Lily supplied.

"Modest is for ugly people."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Okay, but you could have looked better in this dress."

"It's not the dress that makes the woman, but the other way around," Arabella said breezily. "Besides, I wasn't going to let you miss this. You'll thank me later."

"We'll see about that," she said shortly.

"You really do look nice, too, Lily," Gus said kindly.

"But I still say that it's wasted on Rosier," Arabella said.

"I wouldn't say that."

Lily jumped at the voice close to her ear. She turned around to see Rosier looking her up and down appreciatively. She returned the gesture, taking in the vision that was Evan Rosier all-dolled up. His dark hair was slicked back and his eyes were shining at her uninhibited. Beneath the black dress robes, he had on a turquoise cummerbund and tie that contrasted nicely.

Lily's inner fifteen-year-old experienced a shiver. Bad, she reminded herself.

Rosier gave her a wolfish smile. "Nice, indeed, Mudblood."

She didn't see so much as feel Arabella and Mundungus tense behind her. Sometimes, she forgot that his pet name for her was a horrendous racial slur. It was easy to forget, considering that in the past, the name had tended to pop up at the most intimate of times and rarely during fights. It was one thing in private, but some people were genuinely offended by the term, and she didn't want anyone to think that she let Evan Rosier treat her like a second-class citizen.

Frowning, she leaned close to him and muttered, "None of that in front of people."

Rosier didn't even pretend to not know what she was referring to, and she wondered if he hadn't said it on purpose because he knew the reaction he would provoke. She hoped that, someday, someone would castrate him.

"Yes, dear," he whispered back, turning to Arabella with a vibrant smile. "You look lovely, err... friend of Lily."

Lily blinked in surprise. She couldn't remember the last time when he had said her actual name.

"It's Ms. Friend of Lily to you," Arabella said dryly, eyeing him with clear distaste. Lily gave her a pleading look, hoping that her friend wouldn't get into it with her date. Whether he deserved Bella's wrath or no, she really didn't want to deal with the consequences tonight.

Rosier's eyes practically glowed when he noticed Gus standing with them. "Why, if it isn't my favorite prefect."

Mundungus flushed and fidgeted uncomfortably. Lily suddenly remembered the incident when poor Gus had attempted to break up Rosier and McCoy in the classroom. She suddenly felt very guilty about putting her friends through this. Arabella and Gus hadn't done anything to deserve Rosier's company. This had been such a stupid idea. Why was she doing this?

"Well, Ms. Friend of Lily," Rosier said with delight. "Is it true what I heard through the grapevine? Are you really dating Potter?"

Arabella glared at him, and Lily chose that moment to dig her nails into Rosier's forearm. He barely flinched, but Lily knew that it had to hurt. "We're going now," she hissed in his ear. Rosier only smiled.

"I'll see you guys in there," she said to her friends in her most apologetic voice, hoping that they understood. Bella and Gus looked relieved that they were leaving, but her friends at least had the class to attempt to display otherwise.

Lily dragged Rosier away from them, and she didn't realize that she still had her nails buried in his forearm until he stopped her near the giant doors to the Great Hall and purposefully unclenched her fingers. He tightly gripped her hand instead.

"You don't want to stay with your friends?" he asked innocently. When she didn't answer, Rosier, keeping his grip on her hand, abruptly turned his body so that it was blocking hers from the doorway.

Surprised, Lily bumped into him and stared up at his too-close face. He smirked at her and lightly traced a finger down her side, eliciting another undesired shiver from her. "Aren't you worried that I'll take advantage of you without your chaperones present?" he murmured.

She suddenly was. Cursing her body, she gave him a look and stepped back from his overwhelming presence. "I can handle myself," she said flatly, "and I wasn't going to just stand there while you provoked my friends." She didn't mention that the idea of being face-to-face with James after what had happened between them in the locker room was unthinkable.

"Who provoked? I was merely making conversation," he protested.

Lily snorted in disbelief and attempted to dislodge her hand from his tight grip. "Let go."

Rosier's eyes suddenly flicked over her shoulder, and he abruptly stepped back into her personal space. He released her hand and brought his hand up to cup her face. Annoyed, Lily started to struggle, but he urgently whispered, "McCoy's coming."

Lily stopped struggling at the mention of that hated name. She tried to turn to look, but Rosier was already kissing her.

She might have been surprised if she hadn't been expecting this ever since Rosier had first mentioned the probable look on McCoy's face at the thought of the two of them. She would have been surprised if Evan hadn't taken advantage of the situation.

For a farce, the kiss was focused and passionate. She gasped and gripped his arms as he took all of the pent up tensions and frustrations that she associated with McCoy and gave them back to her with his own flavor through his burning mouth.

She was starting to feel dizzy when he finally pulled back. His eyes were dark and glazed as he stared down at her, but then he grinned over her shoulder. "Oops. That's not McCoy after all."

Horrified, Lily sprang around to see a brunette and her date heading their way. She looked nothing like McCoy. Lily moved aside to allow the couple access to the doors, and then she turned a furious glare on Rosier.

"You knew she wasn't McCoy!"

"She was far away, and my eyes just aren't what they used to be," he said sadly.

Lily closed her eyes and counted to ten. She was working on controlling her anger, but this really wasn't helping. "Evan, I told you that we could only go to this thing as friends. You know that."

She didn't see it, but he raised an eyebrow at her. "We've never been friends," he said seriously.

No, they hadn't. Maybe if Rosier had wanted to be her friend, and not just her habitual groper, then things may have turned out differently.

Maybe.

Lily sighed and opened her eyes. "Evan..."

"Save it, Mudblood," he said suddenly, "because Veronica really is coming this time."

Skeptical, she turned to check for herself. Surprisingly, it turned out to be true.

McCoy was dressed in a low-cut satin number that clung to her body and reminded Lily that the dress she wore hadn't been tailored specifically for her body shape. McCoy was on Rex Rappaport's arm, and they both looked extremely smug. Lily wanted to drown both of them in the punch bowl.

"Make this good," Rosier murmured to her before kissing her full on the mouth. Lily let him touch her, his hands running down her back, and she clung to him. It wasn't hard to play along, because Rosier was really good at this.

For a moment-- a split second-- she forgot their audience.

McCoy's voice brought her back to reality. "It's a shame to see such potential dragged through the mud."

Lily tensed and pulled away from Rosier to scowl at McCoy. "It's also a shame to see an opportunity for good breeding go to waste."

"What do you know about good breeding?" McCoy snarled.

"Down, Veronica," Rosier said lazily, clearly enjoying himself. "Heel."

McCoy's face twisted with resentment, and if it were anyone else, Lily might have felt a little bit sorry for her. But this was the girl that had basically destroyed her relationship with James, and even being this near to her was torturous. It was enough to remind her of what McCoy had done with James. Most days she was able to forget that much.

McCoy crossed her arms and looked sullen. Rex patted her shoulder as if in sympathy, but he was giving Lily the once-over. He shot Rosier a smirk that spoke volumes about his thoughts on why Lily was there with him.

Thinking of Marcella, she felt a flicker of hate for Rappaport. He was the reason Marcella needed Mundungus to put her back together, and he had the nerve to look so damned pleased with himself right there in front of Lily, as if she weren't Marcella's friend. He had the nerve to look her over as if she were only there to amuse them.

When no one moved toward the doors, Lily suddenly realized that McCoy and Rappaport weren't going to leave. In fact, they were probably waiting for even more of their Slytherin cohorts to arrive.

Her stomach dropped. Oh, please no.

Horrified, she pulled Rosier down so that she could hiss into his ear. "I didn't know that I was going to have to hang out with your friends!"

"Yes, you did," he said smoothly. "You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into, and I believe that the shock value you were going for has only improved with this."

"You've obviously been sampling the punch a little early, Evan, if you think that I'd purposely put myself into a position anywhere near your friends."

"What's with all the whispering?" Avery asked as he joined them with a girl Lily didn't know. "I'm sure we'd all love to hear what Lily Evans has to say." He was smiling, but she could detect the mean undercurrent.

Prickling, she said, "Nothing you need concern yourself with."

"Nothing new, then," he said, smirking.

Lily wasn't terribly surprised when Rosier made no move to stick up for her. He was still looking amused by her plight; as if he wasn't the reason she was there among them. With the exception of him, they were all staring at her as if she were something unpleasant they'd just discovered under their shoe.

"You look lovely, Veronica," said Avery's unidentified date. "I love your dress."

McCoy preened like a prize chicken. "Well, you know, it's easy enough to find the right dress when you know where to look. You'd be surprised how many girls go straight to the used bin, because they're too poor to know any better."

McCoy smiled sweetly at her, and Lily might have thrown propriety to the wind and took her nails to McCoy's face if Rosier hadn't chosen that moment to put his arm around her. She blinked in surprise when he began nuzzling her unobstructed neck as if he wasn't aware of the conversation going on around them.

McCoy looked as if she had just tasted something extremely sour, and Lily felt her mood drastically improve, so she allowed Rosier a little slack.

"Ah, there's our boy," Avery suddenly said brightly.

They all turned to see Snape approaching them in awkward-looking dress robes, clearly in an ill temper. He stopped when he saw Lily, and she held her breath, waiting for his reaction. The last time they'd spoken was outside the hospital wing when he had basically assaulted her.

"Look who we have here," Avery said to him, indicating toward Lily. "I told you it would be worth your while to come."

Snape's scowl would have deepened if it were possible for a face to display so much displeasure. "Clearly, your idea of what is worth my while is different than mine."

The grins on his companions' faces turned positively feral, and Lily was given the impression that they knew about her rejection of him. Despite what he'd just said about her, she felt a little bit of sympathy for him. With friends like these, who needed enemies?

Lily decided to be the bigger person for once. "Hello, Severus," she said neutrally.

He didn't grace her with a response. Instead, he turned to Rosier and said, "I didn't think you were serious about bringing her."

Rosier met his stare with a blank look. "Clearly, I was."

Lily was suddenly very tired of this situation. She didn't have to stay there listening to this. Screw Snape. She was prepared to leave him to whatever demons he had that were turning him into a complete prick. "I'm going in," she told Rosier, interrupting his staring contest with Snape. "Come if you want."

She turned to go, but Rosier caught her arm and pulled her back. He planted a hard kiss on her mouth before she could protest, in front of them all, and then he offered her his arm with a smug smile.

Shaking off the last of the haze from her brain, she took his arm and followed him into the Great Hall. Someday, Lily promised herself, she was actually going to succeed in training her body to stop responding to Evan Rosier, even if it took electric shock to do it.

Inside the doors, the sight that greeted them made Lily gasp.

The students had been kept out of the Great Hall for the past few days, taking their meals elsewhere, and the spectacle before them was a clear explanation as for why. It was like walking into Sieranda's shop after hours, only bigger. The trees and the plants were still there, but some of the trees twisted all the way up to the ceiling.

The ceiling-- Instead of the sky outside, it was displaying a giant blob of movement and color that could only be a supernova. The bright pinks, greens, and purples gave the room a saturated hue that shifted according to the supernova's current state.

The colossal fountain was off to the side, spewing what looked like golden liquid into its enormous basin. Students were gathered around it, gawking at the spectacle. Lily didn't blame them. If she'd never seen it before, then she might have reacted the same way.

There were plump clusters of grapes hanging from some of the trees, which was odd in itself, because normal grapes grew on vines. Lily watched as Gilda Westen wonderingly reached up to touch a cluster only to have it explode on contact. Gilda shrieked as purple spray flew across her face.

Lily would have given anything for a camera at that moment, because Arabella would have paid generously for a copy.

"It looks like something exploded in here," Rosier said with a sneer in his voice.

"Yeah, like creativity," Lily said, feeling defensive for Sieranda's eccentricity. "But I know that must seem like a foreign concept to you."

Rosier raised an eyebrow at her. "What, did you help design this or something?"

"No, but if you don't like it, then that's enough reason for me to go the opposite route," she said childishly.

He gave her a skeptical look. "You did design this, didn't you?"

"No!" she cried.

Rosier rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Come on." He grabbed her hand and started pulling her toward the section of the Great Hall that had obviously been cleared for dancers. Lily glanced up and saw that there was a series of vines forming a sort of canopy over them between two particular trees. There were shiny things blinking in and out of the vines, and Lily wondered if they were fairies.

The song was slow, and Rosier tugged her closer so that he could tuck his arms around her back. She wasn't sure whether she should feel relieved or not that they were dancing instead of talking. Rather than contemplate it, Lily allowed her cheek to lie on his shoulder and she rested her hands on his biceps. His arms tightened around her, and she felt his lips lightly graze her shoulder. The skin tingled under the caress.

Electric shock it was, then.

Lily allowed herself a moment to appreciate the irony that she was now back in Evan Rosier's arms-- literally. A few months ago, she never would have believed it. She would have scoffed and given herself more credit. This was definitely a step backward as far as progress went.

Lily suddenly caught sight of Arabella and James, and she tensed as a reflex. They were dancing, too, but they were really talking more than anything.

James looked wonderful, better than he had as the stag, just as himself. She bit her lip. He also looked happy. A very melancholy Lily wondered if maybe Black hadn't been right. Maybe she and James really weren't suited to each other. Maybe they only unintentionally-- or very intentionally-- hurt one another.

Wait. Lily paused and thought about it. Since when was Black ever right? About anything, but especially pertaining to her?

Her spirits lifted somewhat. Black was never right, because he was a great, jolly git. If anything, her hopes for a reconciliation should have been assured by his discouragement.

They had been happy once. Yes, James had lied to her, and Lily had eventually panicked at how much she had come to need him. He violated her trust, and she had devalued his feelings. They both had horrible tempers, and more often than not, their relationship proved to be a volatile and tumultuous one. It wasn't a fairy tale. They were both far from perfect, and Lily knew that now.

But while watching him laugh with Arabella, Lily was suddenly very sure of exactly where she wanted to be: over there, and laughing with James.

Lily wanted to be happy again, and she had never been surer that James could make her happy if she gave him the chance.

He still wanted her. There was no denying that now. It was clear that he was capable of living without her, but maybe he wouldn't want to try. She didn't want to try anymore. She spent far too much of her time desperately trying not to want him, and it was a wasted and painful effort. He was always there, in body and in mind. She couldn't escape him, and for the first time in a while, she didn't want to.

Lily didn't realize that she was shaking. Her reckoning had come, and she wasn't sure what was supposed to come next.

Rosier must have noticed, because he pulled back and looked at her. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Lily wasn't prepared to lie, but it turned out that she didn't need to, because Rosier suddenly noticed James and Arabella himself. He sneered at her and said resentfully, "It always comes back to Potter with you, doesn't it?"

She stared up at him, feeling sad and guilty. "Yes," she admitted. "It does."

It had to be said out loud to him, because she had to stop them from embarking on the road she could already feel them beginning. With every kiss she allowed him, with every shiver she felt at his touch, she was giving that much more into something that should never exist between them. It was too easy to just sit back and allow it to happen again naturally, but it never should have happened to begin with.

"I heard you that day," she said suddenly, causing Rosier to frown out of confusion.

"Heard what?" he said irritably, his fingers gripping her dress a little desperately. "What are you rambling about?"

"I heard you say that you were close to shagging me. You were talking to Avery, and I heard you."

Rosier's face paled. "You heard that?"

Lily nodded. It was time for blunt truth if only to end this thing between them once and for all. "Yes, but I was going to break up with you, anyway. Do you know why?"

Rosier tensed, but he didn't say anything, so Lily continued. "We could never work, Evan. We both know it. You know it. You knew it then, which is why I don't understand why you've given so much energy into provoking me this year."

His eyes were dark, but the rest of his face remained closed off, as if he was only partly listening to her. Lily persisted. "I could never make you happy, Evan. I hate to use the old cliché, but we come from completely different worlds. You just saw how your friends treated me. It wasn't much better when we were together, if you'll recall. You even implied that they were awful to you because you were with me."

She took a steadying breath. "But they're your friends, and that means that you can't just drop them because I don't like them. I wouldn't ever give up anyone for you, and I wouldn't expect you to."

"No, you wouldn't, would you?" Rosier said. He finally released her with a hot glare. "What the hell do you know about sacrifice?"

"Evan--"

"Oh, don't Evan me," he said. "I gave up a hell of a lot by being with you, and you go and give me this mere minutes after we begin a night that I'm going to be ridiculed over for months?"

She felt appropriately shamed, but Lily also knew that she was finally doing the right thing. She never should have agreed to come as Rosier's date in the first place. It wasn't fair to anyone, least of all to him.

"What were you expecting to come out of tonight?" she asked softly. "I told you--"

"I know what you told me!" he snapped.

Lily looked around nervously, aware of the other people around them. "Then what--"

"Mudblood, you don't see anything!" he burst out. He turned from her, obviously taking a moment to compose himself. When he faced her again, he appeared resolved. "Potter's weak, and he'll never make you happy. No one can," he said with a bitter smile.

Lily didn't say anything. There really was nothing else to say, except, "I'm sorry."

He gave her a final glare, and then Rosier abandoned her on the dance floor. He disappeared between the trees, probably to regroup with his friends. Lily watched him go, feeling despondent. Less than ten minutes in, and she had already lost her date.

But she had done the right thing, finally.

People were looking at her. Lily sighed and retreated from the dance floor. She made her way over to the buffet table. It was still early, so there wasn't much of a line. She poured herself a cup of the punch and sipped it hopefully. No, curse it, it hadn't been tampered with, yet. It was more than likely because of the headmaster and McGonagall standing nearby.

Lily took her drink and wandered about the hall alone. She avoided Rosier and observed her classmates. She smiled when she saw Marcella dancing with Mundungus. He was giving it a valiant effort, but he was still stepping on poor Marcella's toes something awful. Her blonde friend looked lovely in her periwinkle blue dress, which matched Gus' cummerbund.

Lily wished them all the best, even if she would inevitably have to hear details.

Vivian was dancing nearby with her boyfriend, and Lily promised herself that she would eventually learn and remember his proper name, which she was sure wasn't Grindelwald.

Her cup eventually became empty, and Lily returned to the buffet table. But as she was reaching for the ladle, a voice whispered near her ear, "Wishing for something stronger?"

Lily smiled and turned to greet her friend. "Sieranda, you should have been an artist. This is amazing. You've really outdone yourself with all of this," she said appreciatively.

Sieranda Smiltine had on her perpetual turban and her long, dangling earrings shook when she laughed. "The original plan called for half of this, but I had months of downtime!"

"There's so much stuff here," Lily said. "I hope that you recruited some extra help? I'm sure there's some kind of committee around here for this kind of thing."

"No, I handled it fine. Besides, I needed something to keep me busy. Christophe is away on business, and I'm suffering from some major sexual frustration."

Lily grimaced. "You know, some things are best left unsaid. That was one of them."

Sieranda waved that off. "Oh, pish posh. I can say things like that to you. I'm not much older than you are, Lily," she said.

"Okay," she said dubiously. "If you say so."

"Speaking of sexual frustration, where is your darling bloke?" Sieranda said, looking around eagerly. "I haven't seen him in ages!"

Lily uncomfortably changed the subject. "Where did you say Christophe was?"

"Oh," she said, dimming slightly. "Well, he's in France, staying with family while he's there on business."

"He's French?" she asked, surprised.

Sieranda made a face. "Yes, but he makes up for it in other ways. I try not to hold it against him."

Lily stared at her. "Yes, well" she said skeptically. "He seems nice, from what you've told me, of course."

"Oh, he's perfect, except for the damn business trips."

"What does he do?" she asked curiously.

"Do?" Sieranda echoed vaguely.

Lily began to wonder exactly how much Sieranda had bothered to find out about her young paramour.

A loud noise drew Lily's attention to a large plant that had apparently attempted to eat Sirius Black. Lupin was pulling him out of the disturbingly large leaf lips, and Pettigrew was laughing.

Lily had an alarming thought. "Sieranda, where's Cuddles? He's not here, is he?"

"No, of course he's not here. He's--"

"Here."

"Oh!" Sieranda said delightedly. "Well, there you are! I was just asking Lily about you!"

James shot Lily an uneasy look, but he smiled charmingly at Sieranda. Cuddles was wrapped around his neck a few times over, clearly content to be there. "I found him worming his way into Figg's purse," he said. "I think you should keep a closer eye on your pets."

What was it with James showing up with other people's pets, anyway? Lily wondered.

"Perhaps," Sieranda said, sending an alarmed look over James' shoulder. McGonagall had been watching them, and she seemed to be marching over in their direction now. Sieranda quickly unfurled Cuddles from around James' neck. "You kids have fun," she said hastily, abruptly rushing off. McGonagall pursued her.

Lily was left alone with James. She felt awkward and uncertain in his presence, despite her acknowledged desire. It made her feel slightly better that he seemed just as unconfident. He could have left, but he was still standing there next to her.

"Where is Bella?" she asked, for a lack of anything else to say.

James indicated toward the dance floor, where, to Lily's astonishment, Arabella was dancing with Greg. Their heads were bent low together, and they were talking about something. Bella was smiling.

Lily felt a soft laugh leave her. Why had she spent so much time obsessing about Arabella's happiness? Clearly, her best friend was fine. Perhaps it was just easier trying to make someone else happy rather than focusing on yourself.

"I think I've been deserted," James said sheepishly.

Lily looked at him and wondered what he was thinking. Seeing Greg and Arabella gave her hope. She gathered all of her courage to her, keeping in mind that this could very well end in another rejection, and she asked, "Do you want to take a walk?"

James gave her an astonished look. "You want to take a walk with me?"

Now was the time for some of that Gryffindor bravery. Lily summoned every hope she had been secretly harboring and focused on them. The hope gave her reinforcement. She looked him square in the eye and said, "Yes."

James seemed reluctant, and Lily instinctively reached over and grasped his hand. "Please."

James' eyes widened, and he looked down at her hand on his. Lily met his astonished gaze and her insides quivered. Please, her mind whispered.

"Okay," he breathed, and a relieved smile broke out on her face. "Okay."

She reluctantly released his hand, and he followed her out of the Great Hall. She lead him through the entrance hall and all the way out to the gardens. Feeling nervous and fidgety, she dropped onto one of the carved benches. It fell beneath the shadow of a tall statue, and Lily shivered.

James sat next to her, careful to keep to his end of the bench. He stared at his hands, probably waiting for her to say something.

But fear was gripping Lily's throat and preventing her from making any declarations. A blush was spreading across her face, and she was so embarrassed for bringing him out there like this.

The uncomfortable silence stretched on until James finally spoke. "Look, about the other day..."

"No!" she quickly interrupted. "Please don't give me an excuse for what happened between us in the locker room." The blush worsened after that, and she dropped her gaze to her trembling hands, but she knew that she couldn't bear to hear it. He could crush her hope with a single sentence, and then she would be back in that cold, dark place without it.

James was watching her. "Why?" he asked shrewdly. "Don't you want an excuse, Lily?"

She had recognized the out for what it was, but she couldn't take it this time. Not if Lily ever wanted to be with James again. It would be dismissing what they still felt for each other, and she wouldn't make that mistake ever again.

Resolved, Lily finally lifted her head and met his gaze, unconsciously gripping his lax hand for support. "No," she admitted aloud. "I don't." She reached over and took his hand again. "James-- I... I didn't want to..."

Lily was unprepared for James' reaction to her words. He abruptly pulled his hand away from hers and stood up. He started pacing erratically. "Look, I didn't plan on it or anything!"

"What?" she said confusedly. "James, I--"

"I know that I sort of jumped you, okay?" he said in a rush. "It was an impulse, and I wasn't thinking, and you-- you seemed into it, and I-- Wait. That's not what-- Okay, hold on. Let me start over."

Why didn't anyone listen to her? She stood up. "Potter--"

"It was the heat of the moment! People get caught up and lose control all the time!" He gave her an anxious look. "But I wasn't trying to make you do that!"

"I know," she said, starting to feel irritated. "But--"

James cut her off again. "Look, we were fighting, and it doesn't have to mean anything. We can just keep ignoring each other, and I'll--"

Lily finally snapped. "James, would you shut up already?" she cried.

He paused and looked at her as if he had forgotten she was even there. "What?"

"You didn't let me finish," she said angrily. "You just went flying off the handle, and started blabbering on and on. You never listen to what I--"

"I never listen?" he said incredulously. "You--"

"James!" she yelled. "Will you let me finish?"

He looked sulky, but he indicated for her to continue. "Well, what?" he snapped.

Lily took a calming breath, reminding herself why she was doing this even though he was such a git.

"I'm not blaming you for what happened in the locker room," she said carefully, "because I didn't want to stop."

His mouth fell open in surprise. That obviously hadn't been what he was expecting to hear. "Oh," he breathed.

Lily stepped closer to him. "James, when you said 'not again,' did you mean it?"

He stared at her with open confusion, and Lily's heart pounded, sounding just as desperate as she felt. James' mouth opened and closed several times, making him look like a goldfish.

He finally got his bearings enough to speak. "What do you mean?" he said faintly.

"I'm saying that there are about a million reasons why you and I shouldn't be together, but maybe you can think of one for why we maybe should?" she said hopefully.

James shook his head in astonishment. "I can't believe this. You actually want to... After everything we've said?"

It sounded even madder when he said it. "Well..."

"You made it seem like you hated me!" he accused.

She grimaced. "I--"

"On the platform, you--"

"I know, okay?" she burst out. "But did you mean everything you said, James? You were just talking about the heat of the moment!"

"I know, but you accused me of stalking you!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but you were."

"Oi!"

"James, we've both said things," she said urgently, "but what if I told you that it wouldn't have to matter anymore? What if we could just forget everything from before and move on?"

His mouth twisted into a sardonic smile. "You don't work that way, Lily."

She felt herself beginning to deflate. This wasn't working. "What if I said that I'd work on it?" she pleaded, instantly regretting it. She was practically prostrating herself at his feet. Lily had to close her eyes against the wave of disgust she felt for herself.

But this was her last shot, because Lily was never doing this again.

"You said that you loved me," she said softly. "Did you mean it?"

James winced. He covered his mouth and turned away from her as if he couldn't bear to look at her any longer.

"Did you?" she persisted. There had never been a more important question before them.

"What about Rosier?" he asked thickly.

"I was telling the truth when I said that we were through. He's out of our lives." She bit her lip and waited for the next roadblock.

James nodded, accepting that. "And what about the other girls?"

Lily automatically tensed. "I'm not saying that I'm okay with it," she said slowly. James smiled bitterly, and she continued. "But you wouldn't be okay with it, either! You can barely handle the thought of Rosier and me! Try multiplying that by six, Potter!"

He made a horrified face, and Lily gave a tense laugh. "Yeah, I thought so."

"Okay," he said, moving on. "Well, what about me getting too close? What about your commitment issues?"

"I don't have commitment issues!" she insisted.

He gave her a look. "Lily."

She sighed, giving in. "Fine. I have commitment issues. But I'm working on it, and you have a whole list of issues yourself, James Potter!"

"No one's disputing that," he said wryly.

Lily wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the impending chill. "So, where does that leave us?" she asked quietly.

James shuffled his feet, purposely avoiding her gaze. "I only have one more question."

"What is it?" she asked warily.

He looked straight into her eyes. "Do you love me?"

An invisible hand gripped Lily's throat, and she felt a vague panic bubble towards the surface. He would ask that.

"I..."

James scowled. "Lily, if you can't even say it, then I don't know what we're even doing here."

"Will you just give me a second?" she snapped.

"Why is it so hard for you?" he demanded impatiently.

"Because it's kind of a big deal!"

He crossed his arms and gave her a challenging look. "Why is it such a big deal if it's what you feel?"

"It's not that simple!" She could feel her temper spiking again, but it was so hard to keep control when it was James, and he was being... himself!

His face turned a shade lighter than purple. "Lily, do you love me or not?" he yelled.

Her voice automatically rose to his level. "If you'll just shut up, then I'll tell you that I love you, you prat!"

He stilled, and Lily's eyes widened.

"Oh," they both said at the same time.

Lily slowly slid down on shaky legs so that she was sitting back on the bench. She looked around, expecting to see the world altered. Shouldn't the stars be brighter or the grass greener? Shouldn't the earth have shifted on its axis after such an important declaration?

But everything still looked the same, except that James was grinning at her. That alone was like having the sun rise about ten hours early. Lily felt something shatter inside her, and then something very much like happiness spread throughout her chest, burning away the cold that had been with her for weeks.

James sat next to her, this time close enough so that their thighs pressed together. He lightly touched her face. "You love me," he said, still smiling. It wasn't a question.

She felt her insides turn to mush. "Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head," she joked weakly.

James laughed. He cupped her face and held her close enough for their noses to rub together. "Too late," he whispered.

Lily kissed him, if only to shut the insufferable bastard up.

It was like coming home again. Lily had to forgive herself the cliché, because it was true. It had been so long since they had been in a place where they could kiss like this. The kisses in the locker room didn't count, because they had been made in a hot, desperate moment. This-- this -- was about reassurance and the content melding of mouths.

Lily probably moaned, but it was understandable, because James tasted like relief. Whether it was her own or his, she didn't know, and nor did she care. She had finally humbled herself, and this was her reward.

James pulled back and rested their foreheads together. He gave her a dreamy smile and ran his fingers over Lily's bare shoulders. She felt goose bumps rise in the wake of his touch that had nothing to do with the cold.

"You know," he said, "this is the first time that you've ever gone after me."

It was true. James had spent a good chunk of his life chasing after her, and she had been the pursued one. It seemed like it had always been that way for Lily. No one else had ever seemed worth pursuing.

The glaring exception was Remus Lupin, but Lily pushed that thought aside. Lupin who?

"How'd I do?" she asked teasingly.

James bent to kiss her shoulder. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Well, I'm never doing it again," she said decisively. "It's far too much work."

He snorted and kissed her again. "Tell me about it."

Lily murmured her approval as James brushed his lips down to her neck. She buried her face in his dark hair and thanked whatever deity there was out there that she was able to do this again. "I've missed you," she whispered into the strands.

James raised his head and gave her a serious look. He cupped her face again and said, "Me, too. You have no idea how much."

"Well, the stalking and the locker room groping were an indication," she said, smiling. Her face was probably going to get stuck that way.

James blushed. "I used to be better at the stalking," he grumbled.

"Or I was just oblivious."

"Or that."

Lily removed his hands from her face so that she could twine her arms around his neck. She pressed her face against the warm skin and inhaled the scent that was James Potter.

He kissed the top of her head. "You were right, you know. I did ask Figg because I knew that it would push your buttons."

"Subtlety isn't your middle name."

"No, I guess not," he conceded. "Were you really upset?"

Lily considered the question. "No more than I deserved to be, I guess." She sat back and took his hands in hers. "James, I'm sorry for the way I reacted on the platform."

He brought her hands up to his mouth and kissed her fingers. "I guess it must have been a shock, especially coming from her. It should have come from me," he said remorsefully.

"Yes, but to be honest, I don't think there ever would have been a good time to tell me something like that. I wouldn't have reacted well in any situation."

He nodded understandingly. "Well, I'm sorry for what I implied at the Quidditch pitch," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes. "You know I didn't mean it."

"Heat of the moment?" she said ruefully.

"Yeah." He suddenly looked up with a mischievous look in his eye. "I still have your Christmas present."

Lily experienced a warm feeling at the thought of James keeping her present, never throwing it away, perhaps hoping that maybe, someday... But then she had an alarming thought. "It's not another kneazle, is it?" she asked.

He smiled. "Lily?"

"What?" she said suspiciously.

His smile became goofy. "You love me."

Lily rolled her eyes. "We've established that, yes."

"Will you say it?"

"I thought I already did."

"No, proper-like."

Lily sighed and pulled him closer so that she could speak directly into his ear. "I love you," she whispered.

James wrapped his arms around her again, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. "I love you, too," he said.

"I know," she said, smiling.

"It's nice to say it," he said thoughtfully, "when you aren't unconscious or yelling at me."

She blinked. "You told me you loved me when I was unconscious? When was I unconscious?"

"When you were in the hospital wing after the Melancholy Cures. I stayed with you, remember?"

"James!" she said, lifting her head up. "That was months ago! You've known that you were in love with me for months?"

"Years," he said, chagrined.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Would you have wanted to hear it?" he said with more insight than Lily ever would have tolerated before the last ten minutes or so.

She thought about it. When she had her pennelope overdose from the Melancholy Cures, she wasn't yet James' girlfriend. They hadn't officially been in a relationship until the following day. If he'd confessed love that early, then he probably would have scared her off. She had already been as skittish as a sheep trapped in a pen with a wolf.

"I guess not," she admitted. "I wasn't ready."

"Like I said. It's nice."

"Yeah, it is," she said, touching his face. She traced her fingers to the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss. James was still being gentle, but Lily could feel the familiar urgent heat sparking between them like the rejuvenated embers of a fire.

She pulled back suddenly. "Hey! You didn't answer my question."

James snickered. "I know." He kissed her again while Lily was having disturbing visions of a closet full of kneazles.

They stayed in each other's arms for a long time as the party went on without them inside the castle.

"James," Lily said. "I've realized that there are so many things that we've never said to each other, never told each other." She indicated between them. "This feels new, and I want to start us back off on the right foot."

"This feels pretty right," he murmured, brushing his lips against hers.

"Yes, but I want to be close," she explained eagerly. "I want to tell you everything, and I want to know everything about you. We've barely scratched the surface."

James grin spread across his entire face. "Really?"

"Yes," she said certainly. "It's important."

"Most of it's boring," he warned.

"I don't care," she said.

James brushed his fingers across her cheek. "Well, we've got time."

*********************