Fragile

Chapter 3

After a while, Harry tried to stand up, gently pulling his professor who was still clinging to him with him. When the man didn't resist, he led him through a door that connected Snape's office to his private rooms. He found himself in a sitting room that looked neither as unfriendly and dark nor cold and damp as he had expected. To one side of the room stood a dining table with several chairs. Another wall was taken up by a very large bookshelf. Several doors led to other rooms.

Harry guided Snape to a couch in front of the majestic fireplace. With a flick of his wand, he lit a fire then pulled the older man back into his arms. By now, Snape was crying quietly on Harry shoulder, an occasional tremor running through his body. Harry just held him, from time to time running his hand soothingly over the man's back or whispering calming words. He had long lost track of time when Snape finally looked up at him. Their eyes met and Harry saw fear and embarrassment in Snape's face as the other man realised who was holding him. The body that had been pressed against his stiffened in his arms and Snape pulled back.

"Go away, Potter," he muttered hoarsely, his voice full of self-loathing. "Go and write to your Gryffindor friends what a weakling and a cry-baby your greasy Potions professor is and how he panics over things that happened to him as a child."

Harry resisted the instinct to grab Snape's arm but tried to keep their eyes locked.

"I would never tell anyone about this, Professor," he said quietly. "Gloating about a prank is one thing but not this. You are not a weakling. No one in the world should have to suffer through what I saw in your memories, least of all a child and especially at the hands of his own parents." He extended his hand towards Snape but withdrew it again when the older man shrank away.

"I have always been afraid of being touched," the Potions master said in a distant tone, his eyes fixed on the fire in the grate. "I could never bear anyone to be close to me. It always reminded me of..." He broke off when his voice threatened to break.

"I had almost managed to forget it but when Dumbledore said... The thought of you... me..." He trailed off but Harry clearly got the picture.

"You thought the same would happen to you again if you had to bond yourself to me and that idea was unbearable." Snape gave the tiniest nod.

"You might not be my favourite person in this world," Harry said gently, "but I would never hurt you. I don't care if Dumbledore thinks that you are the one and only ideal bond mate candidate: if you are so scared about this, I will find someone else. I won't torture you just so I might have a chance to save my life. That's too much of a sacrifice," he added vehemently. "The only thing I don't understand is why Dumbledore chose you in the first place if he knew."

"He doesn't know," Snape interrupted him. "No one knows. I never told anyone. No one ever noticed that I didn't let anyone come close. No one ever cared."

With a painful stab, Harry realised that the man in front of him had experienced even less love and care in his life than he had. At least Harry had friends he knew cared about him. His "family" treated him like vermin but even they would never have hurt him as badly as Snape's father had hurt his son. By the time Snape could have made real friends, he was already so afraid that he wouldn't let anyone close. The Marauders certainly hadn't helped making him any more trusting. Suddenly Harry realised just how much his father's "prank" must have affected the young man.

"I could kill my father and Sirius," he murmured. Snape looked at him, confused, but then his face hardened.

"I don't need your pity, Potter," he spat. "If it is required of me, I will contribute my part to end this war. Why would you care about my feelings? I will take some numbing potion, you will fuck me to fulfil the bond, we cut your connection to the Dark Lord and then you can go kill him. I will make sure not to stand in your way afterwards." The bitterness with which he said those words made Harry cringe. He was about to give up and leave when something he had read occurred to him.

"It wouldn't work," he said. When Snape deigned to look at him, he explained. "I've read this book about soul bonds and it says that the bond is fully established at the moment of greatest pleasure when the two souls not only touch but merge into one another. The way you just described it, I would essentially be raping you. Apart from me refusing to do such a thing, it would be useless as our souls wouldn't touch in mutual pleasure, so the bond wouldn't be strengthened." After taking a deep breath, Harry went on.

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate you. At least I haven't hated you in quite a while. I don't like the way you treat me and my friends. But I have come to respect you as a wizard and fellow Order member. I understand why Dumbledore chose you as my bond mate and from a certain point of view, I even agree with him. I'm not thrilled about having my soul bound to yours for all my life but I would prefer it to death. I think that if you are willing to try, with time, we might be able to reduce your fears until we reach a point where we are able to bond."

Snape looked at him incredulously, and then snorted.

"Time, Mr. Potter, is a luxury we don't have. I couldn't let anyone touch me for the past twenty five years, even if I had wanted to. What makes you think you could change that now?"

Harry looked into Snape's eyes for a few moments, then took the other man's hand in his. Pleased that the teacher didn't pull away, he answered: "No one ever knew, so no one ever bothered showing you that a touch does not necessarily hurt. In fact, a touch is not supposed to hurt. It's supposed to be comforting or even pleasurable. I'm not sure I can show you that but I think you deserve a chance. The chance to let someone see you the way you really are and not the protective facade behind which you have hidden all your life. We will take all the time we need, no matter how long it takes and what the world thinks."

The confusion on Snape's face was completely genuine.

"I don't understand why you would want to do this. I have never given you the slightest reason to appreciate me so why would you want to waste your time on me when you have the perfect excuse to bond with someone much more agreeable to you? Why put so much effort into a wreck like me just for a short moment of pleasure?"

Then Snape's eyes widened and he jerked his hand out of Harry's. With the same look of panic he had already worn in Dumbledore's office, he moved towards the end of the couch, away from Harry.

"That's it, isn't it? It's not just for one moment! You will. You'd want." The words rushed from Snape's mouth so quickly that it took Harry several seconds to understand what the man was going on about. Once he'd realised though, he closed the distance between the Potions master and himself, resolutely took the man's face in his hands and forced him to look him into the eye.

"I. Will. Never. Ever. Hurt. You or do. Anything. Against. Your. Will," he said slowly but firmly. "Do you understand that? If we do this, we do it at your pace. You alone can say what you are comfortable with. I will never expect you to give me anything you don't want to give. The fulfilment of the bond might be necessary but nothing else. The only thing I might want from you if the bond is successful would be your friendship, if you are willing to give me that. I wouldn't like to be bound to you while living as if we didn't even know each other."

The look of terror slowly fading from his face, Snape carefully nodded but still didn't seem completely reassured.

"So you don't expect me to sleep with you once we are bonded?" Harry shook his head, his eyes never leaving Snape's.

The older man closed his eyes. He remained silent for several minutes, only the tiniest part of the inner battle he was fighting visible on his face. When he opened his eyes again, they shone with a look of determination.

"I still don't understand why you are doing this, Potter," he said. "But I am willing to give it a try and see where it leads us." Harry gave him a small smile.

"Good! And if this is to work, it's Harry." With these words, he tentatively put his arms around Snape as he had already done earlier. Snape stiffened slightly.

"What exactly do you think you're doing, Potter?"

"I thought there was no time like the present to start," Harry answered. "Only if that is fine with you though." He already regretted his action and wanted to back off, but then he felt Snape relax against him and the man's head settled on his shoulder. With a sigh of relief, Harry tightened his hold a little and made himself comfortable on the couch.