Firelight

Firelight

Part Two: Long Nights, Snowflakes, and Choices

So life went on. The fifth-years took their O.W.L.s with no more mishaps. Afterwards, however, was a different matter. The incident with Snape left Lily enraged for the remainder of the school year, and she refused to speak to James despite several rather defensive attempts at apology.

She was still brooding over it as she sat on the train going home. It was a rainy summer day, and the compartment was damp with humidity. Lily curled deeper into her seat and ignored the inquiring glances of her friends. She shook her head angrily at her own obliviousness. She had been so deluded to even consider James Potter! Stupid, conceited bully! Lily hated bullying, and she hated the feeling of disappointment that had welled within her when she had realized what James had been doing on the lakeshore. More fool her: she had truly expected better of him. Just because he made her laugh a few times, she had forgotten his arrogance. Overlooked it, simply because when he grinned at her, she wanted to grin back. On the train home from Hogwarts, Lily made a firm decision: she would forget about James Potter.

The rain didn't stop all the way home.

Lily stuck to her decision...for a while. That summer, before her sixth year, she dated a Muggle boy who lived in her neighborhood. They went to the cinema, smoked stolen cigarettes in the park, and ate pasties together at a visiting carnival. They snogged a few times; once he jumped the fence into her backyard while her parents weren't home. Things might have gone a bit farther than she'd planned if Petunia hadn't come home early. Lily bathed in the tawdry normalcy of it all.

But during the warm summer nights as she lay staring at the ceiling above her bed, she couldn't escape the knowledge that she would soon return to Hogwarts. And that she would eventually have to deal with James, and with her premonition, if that was what it was. No matter how much she tried to forget it, no matter how much she tried to explain it away as a feverish nightmare, the reality of what she had felt would not leave her. James was dangerous; in more ways than one, she thought with a smirk. And, of course, he was an obnoxious show-off, but, well, who knew? Maybe that would change a bit in time. Lily shrugged internally. The sensible choice would be to quietly distance herself from him. To simply allow any real relationship they might have had to fade away. It wouldn't be that difficult...except that whenever she attempted to think seriously of taking that path, James' face, made weird by flickering firelight, would fill her vision. And she would be right back where she had started. The night before she left for Hogwarts, Lily sighed once, and made her decision, knowing she could do nothing else: All right. I'll let myself love him, if that's what happens. I'll allow myself to be swept off my feet, to fall head over heels, to let my heart fill to bursting. And if it breaks, so be it. What will be, will be.

She grinned slightly at her own melodrama, rolled over, and sank into sleep.

It was with this mindset that Lily began her sixth year.

*

It wasn't until the middle of her seventh year that Lily knew for certain that she loved James Potter. They had become friends again during sixth year, and had even gone on a few dates. The dates had been clumsy and fumbling, but she had seen something deeper underneath. He had broken up with her, and she had cried for a week. Than she had waited. Because some kind of feminine intuition told her a sure truth: he'd be back. So she had cried, but after a week began dating a sweet Hufflepuff boy she'd always liked. Later in the year she snogged with a seventh year Ravenclaw in the Astronomy Tower on a few memorable occasions. And she waited.

Sure enough, James approached her at the beginning of seventh year, soon after they had been declared Head Boy and Girl, and it was as though they had never been apart. Except it was better this time around; it was easier, more relaxed. And Lily was happy, really happy. She almost managed to forget the vision in the common room.

One afternoon in December, Lily glanced out the window during a Transfiguration lesson and squealed in excitement. Snow! Big, soft flakes were floating down, blanketing the ground outside. She contained her enthusiasm until the end of class, but couldn't stop herself from wriggling in her seat, despite the amused smiles she was receiving from her classmates. She knew it was silly and childish to be so uplifted by a little bit of snow, but she couldn't help it. As soon as the class ended, she leapt from her seat and raced out the door. She flew down the stairs, cheerfully flipping the bird to Severus Snape when he swore at her for bumping him. Lily raced out into the open courtyard, and turned her face skywards. Laughing, she began to spin in a circle with her arms out for balance. Snowflakes burned small cold holes into her pale skin. When she stopped spinning and stumbled dizzily, she was steadied by strong hands. She turned to face James, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. He had a strange expression on his face: there was amusement, but also a kind of helpless wonder. It was almost as though she frightened him in some way. The red-haired girl smiled beatifically and kissed him soundly. It was odd to think that he might be frightened of her, although she was frightened of him all the time. Terrified that he would tire of her, that he would leave her, and of course there was always that subtle sense of some impending tragedy. But none of it mattered, none of it, because she loved him.

She froze in shock at this new thought. James felt her tense and pulled away from the kiss, looking at her in askance.

"What is it?"

Lily stared at him, than laughed suddenly. She had known this was coming for a long time, it was simply the shock of realization that had caused her heart to stop. That, and the feeling of being trapped, caught by an unchangeable future that was drawing ever closer to the present...

It was too late to turn back now. She would walk this path to the end.

Tilting her head slightly, she leaned close James' confused face and kissed him, slowly and deeply. When she pulled back, he stared at her with a kind of dizzy delight. Lily couldn't help but laugh again, and hugged him hard. She landed a tender kiss on his neck, than whispered into his ear, speaking carefully and firmly.

"I love you, James Potter."

He leaned back to look at her face, obviously stunned. "You what?"

She threw her head back and laughed with pure joy, yelling as loudly as she could: "I love you!"

Grinning like a maniac, Lily twisted out of his embrace and began to spin again. She caught sight of the rest of the Marauders, standing in a shivering clump a few feet away. They wore grins very similar to her own, and had obviously heard her bellowed declaration of love for their leader.

Feeling mischievous, Lily darted over to the boys and grabbed Remus by the hands, spinning him away with her.

She giggled madly as she stared across their joined hands at his panicked face. The background whirled around them as she spun faster and faster, and Remus yelled wildly.

"Are you insane? What the hell are you doing?!?"

Lily winked once, than let go. They flew in opposite directions, flailing and struggling to keep their balance. Lily landed in a pair of familiar arms, and smiled innocently up into James' chuckling face as Remus sailed into Sirius and Peter, all three of them tumbling in a heap to the snow.

She was watching the cursing boys struggle to untangle themselves when James captured her mouth in a kiss that made her toes tingle. As she sagged against him bonelessly, he whispered into her ear: "I love you, Lily Evans."

Lily closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his shoulder. She was happier than she had ever been, or ever dreamed she would be. It scared her. People weren't allowed to be this happy...

*End of Part Two*