Over the Rainbow

Chapter 5

Classes started and once again, Ginny would go to Hermione for help with her homework. But she found that she could no longer focus on her schoolwork. She still wanted to tell Hermione she was lesbian. She wanted to tell everyone, anyone ... just to get it off her chest.

And she was beginning to hope that maybe, just maybe, someone else might understand and not hate her. After all, Fleur hadn't hated her for it, hadn't thought it was wrong or perverted or evil. And the book Fleur had given her was proof that she couldn't be the only one who felt like this, that someone was actually comfortable enough with it to write about it and that more people were comfortable enough with their sexualities to buy the book. Which meant that it couldn't be all that bad, could it?

The book itself was ... amazing and just a little unnerving. The main character, Anna, seemed to be feeling almost exactly the same things Ginny was feeling. The same confusion and longing and shame and despair. The same desire to tell someone, the same uncertainty of how they would take it, the same fear of rejection, and the same uncertainty of how to say it even if she did decide to tell anyone.

But Ginny knew Anna would handle it somehow, would survive and find happiness in the end - that was how books like this worked. Real life wasn't like that, and Ginny had absolutely no confidence that her own life would end with 'happily ever after.'

****

Ginny was sitting in the library next to Hermione, trying to listen to what the girl was saying, but she couldn't focus. The only thing she could think about was how she could tell Hermione she was lesbian. What would the Hermione think if she knew? What would she say, how would she feel? What would her response be?

For a moment, Ginny considered just saying it, here and now. 'Hermione, I'm a lesbian.' Would she stare in horror? Would she run away? Would she smile and shrug and say okay? Ginny found herself forming the words silently on her lips, as inconspicuously as she could. I'm lesbian. I love you. I love you.

"Are you even listening to me?" Hermione asked in annoyance, jolting her back to the real world.

"What? Er ... yeah..."

Hermione looked unconvinced. "Are you sure you're feeling all right? You've been acting weirdly for weeks. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Ginny tensed. This was her chance, her chance to just tell the girl and get it off her chest. She had to say it. She was thinking it, screaming it inside her head. I'm lesbian, Hermione, and I love you!

"I ... uh ... nothing. I'm just a little ... stressed. That's all," Ginny muttered, silently cursing herself for chickening out.

Hermione gave her a worried look. "All right then. Maybe we should take a break. This assignment isn't due for another week, anyway."

Ginny nodded and grabbed her books, walking back to her dormitory. Why couldn't she just say it? It wasn't hard. Three little words. I am lesbian. Not hard. But she couldn't say it.

****

Ginny had Quidditch practice that day, but she still couldn't concentrate. Usually Quidditch could take her mind off anything, but today all she could think about was how much she wished she had told Hermione when she had had the chance. She kept replaying the scene in her mind, as it should have been:

"Are you sure you're feeling all right? You've been acting weirdly for weeks. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Actually, yes."

A questioning look.

"Hermione, I - I have to tell you something." A deep breath. "I'm a lesbian."

A stunned look. "You - what?"

Louder this time. "I said 'I'm a lesbian.' And I - look, I know you love Harry and everything, but I can't help it and you don't know how much I wish I could and - I like you, Hermione. It's just a crush, I know, and you'll never love me back because you're straight, but I just had to tell you. I can't keep hiding it, and please, please don't hate me...."

A laugh, a smile. "Is that all? Ginny, it's ok. It's no big deal, and I don't hate you. I could never hate you...."

If only the world worked like that. Ginny kicked off the ground, soaring into the sky, wishing she could leave her confusion behind as easily.

Why should she expect Hermione react any different from the way Blaise had to Draco?

"Hermione, I love you."

"Oh my god, you filthy sinking faggot. I hope you bloody die!"

Right. For a moment, she wondered what would happen if she just screamed it now, for the entire world (well, mainly her teammates) to hear: 'I'm a lesbian!' What would they think? What would they do?

Scream at her that she was such a pervert? Look at her in horror and start pelting her with bludgers? Shrug and tell her to get back to practicing?

By the time the practice was over, Ginny had come to a decision. She would go up to the Gryffindor common room and tell Hermione, right then and there.

When she landed, Harry - now captain of the Gryffindor team - asked her if she was feeling all right. She told him she was just a little stressed from all her schoolwork and he nodded understandingly.

Would he be so understanding if he knew why she was really so stressed?

Hermione, I'm a lesbian. And I love you. Ginny thought the words over and over in her head as she walked up the Gryffindor common room. Hermione, I'm a lesbian. That was all she needed to say, and she was going to say it just as soon as she saw her.

Hermione, I love you.

"Password?" the Fat Lady asked.

"Wha - oh, right. Um...." She had to pause to think for a second, since it wasn't lesbian, Hermione, or love, but after a moment she remembered it and climbed through the portrait hole.

Looking around the common room, she was appalled by the number of people there. It seemed that every Gryffindor currently attending Hogwarts had nowhere better to be at that very moment than in the Gryffindor common room. By the time Ginny spotted Hermione, curled up on the sofa with some 'light reading' (a 500 page advanced transfiguration textbook), she was beginning to lose her nerve. Maybe Ginny could tell her later this evening, after everyone else went to bed.... No. It was now or never. She took a deep breath.

"Hermione, can I talk to you?"

Hermione looked up from her book. "Okay," she said, sliding over to make room on the sofa for Ginny.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you somewhere ... more ... private." Ginny managed, her mouth dry.

Hermione gave her a concerned, and slightly confused, look and nodded. "My dorm? I don't think anyone else is there just now."

Ginny nodded. She would have preferred the safety of her own room, but at least this way it would be easier for her to run away if she needed to. She prayed she wouldn't need to.

Hermione led the way up to her room. Ginny sat down next to her on the bed and opened her mouth, but her voice didn't seem to be working. The words were right there, on the tip of her tongue. Hermione, I'm a lesbian. She was amazed Hermione couldn't hear her thoughts. There seemed to be such a thin, frail border keeping them inside her head.

"I ... err ... I mean I ... I just wanted to tell you ... um...." I'm lesbian. Why couldn't she just say it? Ginny looked away from Hermione's soft, questioning eyes. "Er ... that is ... uh ... I...." She glanced back at Hermione and continued in a rush, "I'mgayandIloveyou." She felt her cheeks flame and stared intently at her hands, unable to look at Hermione for fear of the hatred or disgust or rejection she might see there. Why had she had to say it? Why couldn't she have just kept her mouth shut? What on earth had ever made her think telling Hermione was an even remotely good idea? She wished she could just vanish, dissolve into thin air. She couldn't breathe. Oh god, Hermione must hate her now. She shouldn't have told her. Hermione didn't need to know, it didn't matter. Now she had ruined their friendship, she knew she had. And now that Hermione knew, what was to stop her from telling the entire school? How could Ginny face her classmates, teachers, her family, knowing that Hermione might have told them all? What if Hermione told her parents and they kicked her out? What would she do then? If only she could go back in time and unsay those words....

And then another thought occurred to her. What if Hermione didn't believe her? Blaise hadn't believed Draco until Draco had....

Ginny glanced quickly up at Hermione's face.

"Oh...." Hermione looked confused, but not horrified. Ginny felt a rush of relief - maybe, just maybe, she hadn't screwed things up too much? "Um ... okay then...." She gave a slightly forced smile. "You know ... I don't really like you ... that way...."

Ginny choked down a giddy laugh - Hermione didn't hate her. But at the same she was a little disappointed. It wasn't like she had expected for Hermione to cry her undying love for Ginny and her response was better than Ginny had dared let herself hope for, but she couldn't help feeling rejected. Some of this must have shown on her face, because Hermione quickly continued, "I mean, I still like you, of course. Just not, you know, that way. I mean, you are a girl and I don't ... I mean there's nothing wrong with it but ... and I am dating Harry...." Hermione was blushing now.

Ginny took a deep breath and forced herself to smile. "I know that. It's okay. I just wanted you to know the truth."

Hermione nodded, relieved. "Er ... does anyone else know?"

Ginny shook her head. "No - well, actually yes. Fleur sort of figured it out on her own, I guess, but other than that...."

Hermione's eyes flickered with distaste at the sound of Fleur's name, but she didn't say anything.

"I ... uh ... I'd better go finish my homework."

Hermione nodded. "Right."

Ginny left, practically floating back downstairs. She felt as though a huge load had been lifted from her shoulders and for the first time in weeks, she found herself honestly smiling. Life was very good.