Lily Steps In

Remus and Sirius? Why, I spotted that one a mile away. Quite a while back, in fact. But you know, sometimes the people closest to us are the last to know. I think that's what happened with James and Peter. I think.

It was the evening of 14th March 1977, the first time I suspected Remus and Sirius were more than just friends. They, James, and Peter were sitting on the common room floor in a pile of Honeydukes sweets. James had gotten his hands on a pack of Droobles Best Blowing Gum, and the room was becoming increasingly thick with annoyingly unpoppable blue bubbles. Peter had eaten an entire box of Ice Mice, much to the dismay of, well, everyone in the common room. Remus and Sirius, meanwhile, were digging into assorted wizard chocolates and getting melted chocolate all over their hands.

Myself, I was trying to study, much like everyone else in the common room that evening (except two boys in the corner, playing a quiet game of wizard chess). Needless to say, I wasn't getting much done.

James jumped up off the floor and approached me, carrying one of his blue bubbles--a particularly large one--and grinning proudly. "For you," he said, giving a little bow as he offered it to me.

I stared at it and then looked back up at him. "You're giving me a bubble gum?" I asked.

"It matches your eyes."

I raised an eyebrow. "My eyes are green," I pointed out.

"Oh, just take it!" he exclaimed. He dropped it on my desk and returned to his friends in a huff.

Git, I thought.

I tried to return to my History of Magic assignment, but I found I couldn't concentrate--how can anyone concentrate on such a dull subject? Even the name Professor Binns put me into a deep coma. So after a few minutes, I found my attention wandering back to the four boys sitting cross-legged on the floor.

Peter had given up on the Ice Mice and was now experimenting with Every Flavour Beans. James was desperately trying to pop the bubbles he had created after getting a stern look from Professor McGonagall, who had popped in to see what we were all up to. Remus and Sirius, disappointed by the one jump their Chocolate Frogs had performed before stopping cold, were trying to apply more advanced charms on their sweets.

"Ewww!" cried Peter, making a face. "I don't even want to know what that one was!"

James stopped chasing bubbles and glanced at him. "Why do you bother eating those things if so many of them taste bad?"

"Because some of them taste good," Peter replied matter-of-factly, picking through the box and eyeing them as if their appearance was an indication of their taste.

James shrugged and sat back down on the floor. "I think I'm going to stick to Sherbert Lemons," he muttered. I thought he gave me a quick look of scorn before picking up the box of sweets.

"Remus, you've got chocolate all over your chin," Sirius said, trying to wipe it off with his fingers.

"I know," Remus muttered. "But so do you."

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I know." I thought I detected a note of something in his voice; I wasn't sure what. I thought about it for a moment, and then I dropped my sadly unused quill in surprise. Sirius had sounded...coy.

"Well, let's get cleaned up," Remus suggested, getting to his feet.

James stopped, a lemon sweet halfway to his mouth. "Where are you going?" he asked.

Sirius stood up, brushing off his robe unnecessarily. "We're just going to wash our faces off," he muttered. And he followed Remus up the stairs to the boys' dorm.

After they left, things were quiet in the common room except for Peter's occasional exclamations of disgust. James gorged himself on sweets and glanced at me from time to time. And I tried to ignore both of them.

James Potter was...well, he was cocky, there's no other word for it. He was a big, macho jerk, frankly. He picked on Severus Snape, he bragged about his Quidditch moves, he...well, he strutted. And he seemed to think that all of this behavior would impress me. He was dead wrong, of course. But looking back, I suppose James got under my skin. Under my skin and into my brain, and occasionally, although I never admitted this to him then, he invaded my dreams. Why are the cocky jerks always cute? It doesn't seem fair.

Remus and Sirius returned to the common room several minutes later, chuckling quietly. I noticed their faces were a little pink, which I put down to their having just been washed. But a quick glance at the clock told me that they had apparently been washing their faces for a full seven minutes. And I was almost positive Sirius's tie was a little askew.

"Where have you been?" James asked. "How long does it take to wash off chocolate?"

Sirius shrugged and sat back down amidst the sweets. "Um, it turned into a bit of a water fight," he muttered.

Yet Remus's white school shirt was quite dry, and Sirius only had a few wet drops on his collar. I was beginning to suspect that something was definitely up, and by the way Remus sat down just a couple inches closer to Sirius than necessary, I suddenly knew what was up. Remus and Sirius were...together.

I had never met any gay wizards or witches before. Occasionally, rumours flew through the school corridors about one pair of boys or girls or another, but I had always suspected those rumours were just malicious gossip and joking around. After all, they tended to centre on students who were generally disliked. But I had never heard any rumours about Remus and Sirius, and I began to wonder why. Clearly they had not told anyone of their relationship, but why was I the only one who had noticed it? Because you're a girl, said a voice in my head. And you're probably the only girl in Hogwarts who doesn't have a crush on Sirius. I shrugged and picked up my quill again. Perhaps there was something to that--Peter and James would never think their friends capable of something like that, and the girls in the school would always ignore any evidence of homosexuality in favour of Sirius's being straight.

I set my quill down again and watched the two of them eating sweets and grinning. Their relationship was clearly a secret, or so they thought. So when would the truth come out?

* * * *

Their affair only remained a secret for a couple weeks after that night.

I was out on the front lawn one spring afternoon, arguing with my friend Elizabeth Morgan over who was the cutest boy in Ravenclaw, when I saw James running out of the Forbidden Forest. I frowned--James wasn't supposed to be in there. Nor was Peter, come to think of it; he'd just come out of the woods, too, and was trudging back towards the castle. "What on earth were those two doing in the Forest?"

"Up to no good, as usual," Elizabeth replied, rolling her eyes.

But I wasn't so sure. Remus and Sirius had just emerged from the woods, too, and they seemed a bit upset. "I'll be back," I said, and I hurried off to meet the two boys.

"Well, how did you expect him to react, you git?" Sirius was saying, and then he saw me. "Lily, hi. What's up?"

I stopped short, suddenly unsure of what I was supposed to say next. I suspected that they had just come out to James and Peter, but was I supposed to tell them that I knew that without being told? "Um, is everything OK?" I said weakly.

Remus shrugged and looked down at his feet.

"Just a spat," Sirius muttered. "Don't worry."

"Oh," I replied. "I just thought maybe...I thought maybe you'd..."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "We'd...?"

I coughed. "I thought perhaps you'd...told them...that...I mean..."

Sirius looked at Remus and smiled. "I think she knows already, don't you?"

Remus frowned. "Maybe she's talking about something else entirely, Sirius. Oh, I hate talking at cross purposes!"

I sighed impatiently. Why was it so hard to say? "I thought maybe you'd told them about...you."

Remus looked up at me, surprised. "So you know."

"That you're, um, together? Yes," I said.

Sirius laughed. "I didn't think we were obvious! We were trying to keep it quiet. Damnit, damnit. But yes, we're gay. We're poufs. We're shirt-lifters. We're--"

"Sirius!" Remus cried.

"Anyway, yes, we told them," Sirius said. "And I don't think they took it very well. Here, Lily, sit down for a minute." He gestured towards the soft grass, and the three of us settled down. "We've been seeing each other, secretly, for about, um, 6 months?" He looked at Remus, who nodded, lost in thought. "Since...well, never mind what since. Anyway, we were scared to tell James and Peter."

"And it looks like we had good reason to be worried," Remus muttered.

Sirius glanced at him. "Shush. Anyway, we worried how they'd react, so we kept this to ourselves. And now...I don't think they took it very well."

"Oddly, I was the one most worried about telling them," Remus said. "But it was my idea to finally come clean. I'm so tired of sneaking around. I have enough bloody secrets in my life." At that time, I had no idea what other secrets Remus was keeping.

I frowned. "What did they say? When you told them?"

Sirius laughed. "James called us poofs. He seemed pretty put out by the whole thing. I'm not sure he'll even want to share a room with us anymore."

Remus rolled his eyes, and then he looked at me. "You seem to be taking it pretty well, Lily," he commented.

I blushed. "Well, I already knew, didn't I? But I'm not horrified exactly, no. You seem very happy together. Although I must admit I'm not used to the idea of it. I've never know anyone who was gay before."

"Neither have we," said Sirius, laughing. "I hope we're doing it right." He threw an arm around Remus and planted a slobbery kiss on his cheek.

I laughed along with them, but I felt my stomach do a little flip-flop at the sight. There was something strange about seeing two boys kiss, but curiously, there was something a little exciting about it, too. "So, have you always been...gay?" I asked. "Sorry, that sounded stupid. I mean..."

"I probably qualify as bisexual, actually," Sirius said.

"Oh, come off it. You're gay!" Remus said.

"I like girls!"

"You don't!"

"I do!"

I sighed. "Um...anyway, it doesn't matter. So you told James and Peter, and now they're upset. I wish I could say I was surprised, frankly. But knowing the way James is..."

"James isn't that bad," Sirius pointed out.

"Well, he sure doesn't show it!"

Sirius grinned. "That's just James being James. He's a good guy, really." Then he frowned. "Well, now I'm not so sure."

"He's your best friend," I reminded him. "Of course he's going to be a little freaked out by this. You've been friends for years, and you never told him you fancied boys. You've spent years talking about girls you fancy. What do you expect?"

Sirius screwed his face up in frustration. "I don't know, Lily! Just not this!"

"Give it time," I said, getting up. "He'll come around."

* * * *

"Lily!" a voice called out. "Lily!"

I turned around. James was running towards me, a frantic look on his face. "Yes?" I said. Despite what Sirius had told me that afternoon, I had a hard time seeing past James's cocky demeanor.

"I need to talk to you," James sputtered.

I gestured towards the door of the Great Hall. "Well, talk to me while I eat. I'm hungry," I said. I had had a busy day, and my stomach was growling loudly.

"No. I can't talk to you there," he replied.

"Can't it wait?" I could already smell the pot roast the house-elves had sent up for dinner, and I was beginning to salivate.

James sighed. "No. Well, I don't want it to wait. Please, Lily? Just for a few minutes? If it takes longer, I promise I'll get you dinner from the house-elves, twice as much and twice as good as what they're having in there."

And how exactly are you going to do that? "All right, then. For a minute," I said.

James asked me to follow him down a dark corridor nearby, and immediately, I began to worry. "James, I don't know what you think you're going to do here. Because I don't like you that way, really, and..."

"I'm not going to try anything!" he said, exasperated.

"All right, then. What is this all about that you had to interrupt my dinner?"

James leaned up against the wall. "OK, take a deep breath, Lils," he said. I hated that nickname. "Remus and Sirius...they're...oh, I don't even think I can say it..."

I chuckled. "They're gay, is that it?" I asked, desperate to get this over with.

James's jaw dropped. "You knew?"

"Well, of course I knew."

"They told you?"

I sighed loudly. "They didn't have to. It was just obvious. Look, can I go to dinner now? I'm really hungry." I turned to walk away, and James grabbed my hand.

"Lily...what...I mean...Lily..."

I took my hand back from him. "What is it, James? Just say it. Please?" I glanced back towards the Great Hall.

James slid down to the cold stone floor, his head in his hands. "I can't go in there," he said.

"Well, get some food from the house-elves and let me go."

He glanced up at me, and in spite of myself, I felt my heart melt at his large, worried eyes. "Fine. Go," he said.

I shrugged and sat down gingerly next to him. "OK, you're obviously upset. And you want to talk about it. Is that it? And for some reason, you chose me to talk to. So, OK. Talk."

"Would you rather I didn't talk to you?"

"I don't care."

"Sounds like you do."

Why must he be so aggravating? "James, I'm flattered that you felt you could unload on me. Please, talk."

"Remus and Sirius are...together. And I don't know what to do about it."

I smiled. "Do you need to do anything?"

"I don't know. I just...I don't understand what went wrong."

"Nothing went wrong, James."

He glared at me. "Nothing went wrong, Lily? My best friend just told me he's a pouf! And that he's having it off with one of my other friends! And apparently, they've been at it for 6 months and never told me. Merlin, Lily! Sirius has talked about girls the whole time I've been friends with him. How did this happen? Is it a spell? Some sort of illness? Why on earth would he do something like this?"

I frowned. "James, it's not a disease. Or a spell. He's just...gay. He always has been. Or possibly bisexual, I don't know."

James stared at me. "Or possibly what?" he exclaimed.

"Well, he said he likes girls, too, so..."

"You've talked to him about this?"

I sighed. "After you ran off and left them this afternoon, yes."

James thought for a moment and then suddenly grinned. "But wait! If he likes girls, too, then everything's OK! He doesn't have to be with Remus!"

And I did something I rarely ever did--I whacked James Potter upside the head.

"Ow, Lily! What'd you do that for?" He stared at me, rubbing the spot.

I rolled my eyes. "Because, you idiot, Sirius isn't with Remus because he has to. He's with him because he wants to. Because he cares about him, James."

"Well bloody hell, I care about Remus!" he exclaimed. "But I'm not...I'm not snogging him! There's a big difference! Do you snog Elizabeth? Do you?" Maybe I imagined it, but I thought his eyes lit up with hope for a second.

"I do not snog Elizabeth, no. Because I like boys, James." I saw him grin. "Some boys, James. And you like girls, so you snog girls. And Remus likes boys, so he snogs boys. And Sirius--"

James stood up abruptly, glaring at me. "And Sirius likes girls," he said, and he stalked off.

I sat there on the cold floor, shaking my head. Why did I have to be dragged into this nonsense?

* * * *

By the time we next visited Hogsmeade, our last trip of the year, things had improved between the four boys, but not completely. James and Peter seemed to tolerate sharing a room with Remus and Sirius, and they were mainly civil to them on the surface, but that was about it. They took every opportunity they were given to make a joke or snide remark. Everywhere the four boys went, a cloud of stale tension hovered in the air behind them.

"Lily, where do you want to go first?" Elizabeth asked, skipping along beside me as we walked down the main street. I grinned. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was glad to be away from the gloomy castle and the tense house, even for a few hours.

I thought for a moment. "I don't know, Liz. Honeydukes? Or we could check out the new robes? Or...well, I need a new quill, actually, so--"

She pouted and tossed her long brown hair back over her shoulders. "Quills, Lily? School's ending soon enough! Let's have some fun!"

"OK, what kind of fun? Maybe if we--" But I was interrupted.

"Hi, Lily!" I turned around to find James grinning at me. He was walking along behind us with Remus, Sirius, and Peter.

A sense of annoyance crept over me, but I smiled politely all the same. "Hello," I replied. "What are you boys up to this afternoon?"

James glanced at Peter and then at Remus and Sirius, who looked like they were purposefully maintaining a respectful distance from one another. "Well, I could sure use a Chocolate Frog or two myself," he said, and then he gestured towards Remus and Sirius. "I don't know what those two want to do. Maybe make kissy-faces at each other over scones and tea?"

Peter laughed. "That is where all the girls like going," he agreed.

"Oh, come off it, James. You're just jealous," Sirius retorted.

"Jealous?" James cried. "Of what? I'm not gay."

Sirius snickered and threw an arm around James's shoulders. "Aren't you, James? Just a little?" he teased, stroking his chin.

"Get off me!" James shouted, pushing Sirius's arm away. "Merlin, Sirius, if you want to get gay with someone, stick with your queer little boyfriend there."

I think that I, Elizabeth, Remus, Sirius, and even Peter all flinched as James spoke those words. Uh-oh.

Sirius started to advance on James, his eyes blazing, but Remus grabbed his arm. "Stop it, Sirius! Let it go!"

"Not when he's insulting the man I love!" Sirius cried, and he landed a quick punch in James's stomach.

Remus instantly turned red, from embarrassment or anger, I'm still not sure. "Pillock," he muttered, and he turned and walked off.

But Sirius had barely noticed his boyfriend's disappearance. He was still tackling James, and the two of them ended up on the ground, punching each other like primary school kids. Peter looked on, seemingly anxious to join in but paralyzed. Elizabeth looked horrified, and I...I was just disgusted. "You two are ridiculous!" I said. "Come on, Liz. Let's go get a cup of tea or something."

Elizabeth didn't move. She was transfixed, as if by a car wreck.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I said, and I pulled out my wand and pointed it at the two boys. "Petrificus totalus!" I shouted, and Sirius and James stopped cold. James's face was frozen in a growl. His fist had just made contact with Sirius's shoulder. Sirius appeared to be reaching for his wand. They made a disturbingly comical tableau. "There," I said, slipping my wand back in my pocket. "Let's go."

Elizabeth eyed the petrified boys and shrugged, and we headed to Madam Puddifoot's, leaving Peter to gawk helplessly at his motionless friends.

* * * *

"What's with those boys, anyway?" Elizabeth asked.

"No idea," I muttered. "Boys are just...boys."

We had settled in for some tea and cakes at the tea shop, feeling relaxed and a little stupid in the overstuffed chairs and warm air.

"At least we girls know how to enjoy ourselves," Elizabeth said. Then she held up a jam tart with a smile on her face. "Try this--it's divine!" She took a huge bite and let the filling drip onto her chin.

"Well, we know that fighting isn't the way to solve problems, that's for sure," I agreed. "Honestly, I can't believe Sirius sometimes. He didn't even notice Remus leave."

Elizabeth took a sip of her tea and then frowned. "Um, Lily, how long until that spell wears off?" she asked.

"Oh, half an hour, I think. I didn't give them the full blast." I glanced at the clock and swallowed. "It's been an hour."

My friend's eyes widened. "You don't think they'll come get revenge on you, do you?" she asked. "I bet they were pretty mad when they came to."

"It's been half an hour now, so I think we're safe." I said, shrugging. "And what are they going to do? Storm into Madam Puddifoot's with their wands blazing?" I laughed, but I cast a nervous glance at the door all the same. And almost at that very moment, the bell on the door jingled, and a very tousled and dusty pair of Marauders stepped inside. I sighed with relief to see their wands weren't out. (Which unfortunately put the image of James's wand in my mind for a moment, which I didn't need at all.)

James spotted us and sauntered over. "Petrificus totalus, Lily? Is that the best you could do?" He rolled his eyes.

"Well, someone had to stop you from acting like idiots."

Sirius grinned. "And I'm glad it was you," he said.

"So no more fighting now?" I asked, giving James a nasty glare as he grabbed one of my ham salad sandwiches and finished it in one bite.

Sirius sat down backwards in the empty chair next to me and chuckled. "Better than that," he said. "Everything's fine now."

"It is?" Elizabeth asked.

James sat down opposite Sirius and tucked into a scone. "You did us a huge favor, Lils," he said. I winced. "We came to and found ourselves lying on the ground in mid-fight, and everyone had left. And we forgot what we'd been fighting about. So we talked for a bit, and I'm OK with his being gay now. I know he can't help it. Although I'm still not sure why he'd pick Remus when he has the most gorgeous boy in Gryffindor sitting right here." He winked at Sirius.

Sirius laughed, and then he gave the tea shop a once-over. "Where is Remus, anyway?"

"He left, dimwit," I reminded him. "He called you a pillock and stormed off."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Oh hell. I didn't even notice! Honestly, I'm such a prat sometimes. I'd better go find him."

James jumped up, a gleam in his eyes. "Come on, girls, let's go find him," he said.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at him. I put my teacup down and swallowed. "James, don't you think Sirius might want to talk to Remus alone?" I asked.

Sirius gave me a little bow. "Yes, I would, actually," he said. "I'll see you all later." He grabbed a tart and headed off in search of his boyfriend.

James sat back down, sulking. "This stinks," he said.

"Well, James," I said, refilling my cup, "You can't expect to tag along with them all the time. Would you want Sirius hanging around you and your girlfriends?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," he pointed out, and he waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively.

I chuckled. "You're an optimistic little twat, aren't you?"

"Awww, Lily, I think he likes you!" Elizabeth teased.

"Well, I know that," I replied, rolling my eyes. "He's made that perfectly obvious for years."

Elizabeth buttered a slice of bread and took a bite. "You have much better taste, though, don't you?" she asked me. "You don't need a guy like that, strutting and preening like some horrific peacock."

"Um, girls? I'm still here," James pointed out, his cheeks pink.

I laughed. "And look, he thinks we're talking about him!" I exclaimed, poking him in the arm. "Come on, you two. Let's get out of here. I'm going to ooze clotted cream out of every orifice if I eat much more of this," I said.

"There's an image," James muttered, getting to his feet again.

* * * *

"You're jealous, James," I repeated as we walked out into the sunshine. "And no, you git, I don't mean you're gay. I mean Sirius is your best friend. And Remus is one of your closest friends. And now they're spending time alone together and don't want you around all the time."

James frowned. "Well..."

"She's right, isn't she?" Elizabeth prodded. "You feel like you're losing two of your best friends."

"Maybe," he muttered.

I saw Remus and Sirius approaching from the opposite direction. They seemed to have patched things up. "I think things will improve now, though. They won't have to sneak off just to hold hands." I felt a happy sigh rise up in my chest at the sight of their entwined fingers. They're so cute together.

"Maybe," he said again.

Elizabeth sighed. "You'll learn to deal with it. Give it time."

James shrugged. "It's not that. I just wish I had someone to hold hands with, that's all." He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, and then he glanced at me. I looked away, feeling my cheeks turning warm. Damn those beautiful eyes of his.

"You'll find someone one day, I'm sure," I said in the most reassuring voice I could muster. Just not me. Dear Merlin, not me.