The Adventures of the Crunchy Kernal Buccaneers

The Great Hall was alive with talking, arguing, and laughing. A cheerful place, and seemingly innocent, or was it?

However, the Hall was silent when Professor Dumbledore stood up on his soap box, rolled his eyes, twirled his beard and began to talk. "I have an announcement to make. We will be getting a new group of students." There was an instant buzz of talk. "Now, now, now. No need to be alarmed. They are only a little different. They have led a wayward life, went down the wrong path, so to speak, and wish to continue their education to live better lives. Actually, they were caught breaking in a pet store and teaching the parrots bad words and as punishment they have to attend Hogwarts and smell Professor Snape's armpits for at least 10 minutes a day."

There was a mixture of confusion, laughter, and a few of the more sensitive girls threw up on their boyfriends at the very thought of Snape's armpits.

Dumbledore smiled with a twinkle in his eye. "It isn't so bad. Severus has been using a new perfumed deodorant called Eue de Steenk."

Snape smiled, nodded, and lifted his arm invitingly. Only Professor Flitwick was brave enough to smell, and he promptly fainted and was only revived when he was clasped between Madame Hooch's substantial bosoms.

"Anyway... Let us meet them now!" He waved his wand daintily and there was a loud pop. The doors flew open and, like dream, (or maybe a nightmare) a ship floated in. It didn't exactly float in, the students realized on closer inspection, but was pulled on wheels by a herd of weasels attached with red and yellow ribbons. The ship was tall enough that it's bright green sails swept the top of the door, and the flag was bent in two until they passed through, where it flew up with a *ka-ping*!

In the deck, standing tall and proud were three pirates. They all wore red "knickers", a pink shirt, and an elaborate hat with enormous feathers, a rat, and a hummingbird on them. On each of their shoulders was a parrot, screeching obscenities.

The man in the middle, a rail thin man with a long pointed nose, and a thin, greased mustache in his thirties spoke in a nasally voice. "We are the Crunchy Kernel Buccaneers."

Someone among the Slytherins asked loudly, "What, the Three Musketeers were taken?"

The man's outrage made his mustache quiver. The man beside him, somewhat resembling Crabbe, spoke up cheerfully, "Yeah. And so were the Sweaty, Greasy, Kitty-cat lovin', Pirates, so we had to settle for what we had."

The other man who resembled Goyle, laughed. "Dur-- Yeah, what we had was a bucket of Kernel's fried chicken and three bottles of vodka."

The man in the middle wet himself in anger, "Enough!" he shouted. He took several long breaths until his eyes crossed, then relaxed. "My name is Baco. These are my -uh- associates, Scabbe and Qoyle--"

Suddenly, from across the room at the Gryffindor table, there was a joyous howl. As everyone's head whipped that way, Ron Weasley jumped from the table and began to skip over to the ship. He pranced up to it and dropped into a courtly bow, not even flinching when a weasel bit his nose. He stood again and clasped his hands as he stared up at the three with moonstruck eyes. In a reverent (but loud enough for the whole hall to hear, of course) voice he cooed, "Ya'll are my favorite Comic Book heroes!"

As an amazed gasp swept the hall, Baco peered down his long nose at Ron and said sneeringly, "What are you talking about, you digesting, beneath-my-notice, not-even-worthy-of being-food-for-my-weasels, person!"

Non deterred, Ron faced the hall theatrically. "I'm talking about the comic book featuring you, The Crunchy Kernel Buccaneers. After your many heroic deeds," (the only heroic thing they had ever done was rescue a little girl's mongoose from a crazed, psychopathic granny--and that was only because Baco had the hots for the little girl's mother) "A young, brilliant comic artist, Jiffy Bootyscoot, made millions on the ever-popular, The Adventures of the Crunchy Kernel Buccaneers."

Baco stumbled backwards, clutching his nose and yelling, "Goons! Goons! Those smelly, spotted-hippopotomas-loving goons! Making money off of us! Have we seen a dime of it? I think not!"

Someone randomly (no need to name houses) yelled out, "The comic-strip sucked anyway!"

Ron fell to the floor at the harsh yell, weeping and yelling for Hermione. Hermione (since she and Ron are obviously meant to be together) raced to his side to comfort him.

The noise in The Great Hall increased as the students fought over whether the comic sucked, or didn't---a debate so controversial it threatened to tear Hogwarts apart. And just when all seemed lost, Harry ran to the front of the hall and yelled for quiet.

When the Hall silenced, Harry leapt onto the teachers table and paced while calling, "Listen to yourselves! Fighting over whether a comic sucks or not! Everyone telling the other that they are wrong.

Well that is just wrong!" His voice increased and tears welled up in his green eyes with emotion. "Well that is not what Hogwarts is all about! Hogwarts is about mean, smelly professors, and too much homework, and flipping Professor Snape off when his back is turned. But most importantly, Hogwarts is about the right to your own opinion. So go ye, Hogwartians, read The Adventures of the of the Crunchy Kernel Buccaneers, and like it if you want to, or think it sucks and use it as lining in your hamster cage, or even as toilet paper--whatever you want! But always remember, that you have the right to your own opinion, and if anyone disagrees with that, then they are wrong--all wrong!"

The hall was silent for several more moments as everyone stared at him with wide eyes until Baco screeched from the back of the hall, "Bah! Bah Hum-chicklets!"

No one paid any attention to Baco and Harry spread his arms and cried out, even as the tears streamed down his face, "Can't we just love each other?"

As if someone had said, 'Snog or you will all be turned into snails!' the entire hall collapsed into each other's arms and, well, snogged. Crabbe kissed Goyle, Ron smooched Hermione, the weasels snorkeled the parrots, Dumbledore smacked Professor McGonagall, and Baco slurped Scabbe and Qoyle. Draco leapt into the arms of Professor Snape, swearing his undying love and promising to smell his armpits anytime he wanted.

And so, everyone but the weasel that bit Ron's nose lived happily ever after, and were never again afraid to voice their own opinions unless (as Harry was known to bite the kneecaps of someone who argued with him) they contradicted Harry's opinion.

THE END