The Forest Outcasts

It's not easy being me. I'm not beautiful, stunning, particularly intelligent or even clean. I'm just an ordinary, blue being with feelings. I remember my family of many years who treated me most unfairly a couple or so years ago. Well, technically, their son mistreated me. He and a friend. They had tortured me with every bit of energy they could apparently muster. Why? I had done nothing, but serve them for what seemed like decades. I didn't stand for it. No, siree! I told them where to go. I ran away from that violent boy, I always knew he had something wrong with him (with that violent red hair, how could I think differently?), and made my way to what is now my home. My beautiful home. They treat me well here. Very well, in fact. I haven't been bitten by any spiders, or kicked by any strange...Creatures. It's just a bit lonely. I wish I had one to love. Somebody to want me and need me, to share the love with me.

All that changed one night when I was quiety moving around this place, lights on, thinking and sighing. I had approached deeper into the forest than I had ever been before. The trees had grown tremendously thick by then, and I could see nothing. Had I not had lights on me, it would have been pitch black. I imagine I wouldn't have even been able to see a unicorn! Or perhaps it wasn't that dark. You can always spot a unicorn. Always.

Well, anyway, there I was, humming and sighing about the misfortunes of life when I heard a muffled sound. It sounded like sniffing. Where was it coming from? What was it? Could it actually be sniffing? Nobody ever sniffed here, apart from me. So, being the curious machine I am, I decided to move closer to the sound, trusting my ears to guide me fairly. Why wouldn't they guide me properly? They're my ears.

To my utter and complete (pleasant) surprise, it was the sexiest beast I'd ever seen. Curvy, dark skinned and a vague shimmer about her, she had my full attention immediately. How was I to approach this situation? Here, was a damsel in distress. A sexy damsel, but all the same a damsel. What was she crying about? Should I ask? Did this babe even know I, Ford, was here? I moved closer, shuffling a few leaves, and her bright eyes turned to me, shining some spectacular light to my body. Of course, I wasn't particularly joyful about this; I hadn't had a wash in quite a while, one could say I wasn't looking up to colour that night and they'd be absolutely right.

She told me that she'd been abandoned, like myself! So, I wasn't alone! I was told that quite a handsome man used to care for her, but one day she'd been given up by him to a giant of a man carrying a baby. This giant, so Kimobreto (what a hot name) tells me, took her away to a far away land where she saw a familiar old man, a strict and uptight woman, and a very quiet and dark street. He then took her back to a magnificently beautiful castle, and thus she found herself here, in this forest.

I gasped, or rather emitted dark puffs of smoke through my backside to show my indignation. How could this slender beauty be left alone like that? Had everybody lost all common sense? It seemed as though that was the case.

I comforted her, and told her not to worry, that I would care for her from now on. Though, I didn't quite believe that myself. But what else was I supposed to tell her? That I felt sorry for her, but I had to go back because I was awfully sleepy? Of course not! A sex machine knows how to treat his ladies, and a sex machine I am. So, what did I do? I escorted her to my home, my territory. I warned her of the nearby spiders, but she didn't seemed frightened at all. On the contrary, she actually wanted to see them! Feisty. I liked that.

I apologised endlessly for the disgracefully small space there was in my 'home', but she made a peculiar sound each time I did apologise. It went a bit like this: "Vroom! Grrrr, vrrm!" I supposed that was her way of telling me she wanted me, so I half pounced on the poor thing. I say 'half pounced' because halfway through the process, I realised her glorious eyes dimmed a little, and looked at me full of fear and shock. It was then that I realised she didn't want me to bloody pounce on her, she was just telling me she didn't mind the small space. So much for understanding beings of the same species.

She wouldn't listen to my stammered apologies and explanations. Instead, she decided to take a trek into the wilderness. Before I could catch up with her and try to calm her down, as if it would do much help anyway, I unwillingly stopped. What was I to do? Why did I have to stop now? Couldn't I go on, just a little more? Just that extra few metres? Why did life hate me so much? First, I was born into a useless, good for nothing body. Then, I have the worst luck in relationships. Nothing ever went right for me.

I gave up all hope that moment. I had, uncontrollably, stopped moving. I didn't even have control over my own body, a fortune which many other beings have yet take advantage of. I'd go as far as to say that I'd hit rock bottom at that point in my sad, pathetic life. You know, lowest point of my life and all that jazz. Yes, I felt lower than I had felt when I was wacked by that crazy Whomping Willow. Though, that did come close...That damn tree only has one thing in mind: Murder.

So, my plan was to get some sleep, regain some of my energy and make a move to...Somewhere. Like I had any other choice. I'd have to regain some energy because it was impossible for me to move, it's a sad fact but it's the way it works. And I had no idea where I'd go, I never do know. I just dwell in certain places, some more than others, curse life and whoever gave me life, for whoever did breath air into my pipes obviously hated me. Probably from a previous life or something, I bet I stole his sexy wife. Or her sexy husband, if I was a female. Or, you know, gay. I'm cool with that.

What hurt me most that night was Kimobreto. Just when I thought I'd met somebody to love, that one other life to share mine with; to become one soul with, it all went downhill. Why did I have to be so sexually frustrated? Simple. This machine hadn't gotten any in a long, long while. But I sure did mess up the situation terribly. I shouldn't have reacted so quickly, females don't like to feel cheap, or easy. Or used. Or whatever Kimobreto felt.

Still, mustn't dwell on things I can't have, I reminded myself. I shut my eyes, the light went out, so to speak, and my power stopped. Not forever, of course, just for that night. One thing to look forward to was the return of my energy. Oh, joy. For I knew that the energy would be foolishly spent on pointless walks around this (boring) familiar 'Forbidden Forest', so they call it. It's forbidden for it brings bad luck to those who live here. There should be some kind of sign post saying 'WARNING: Enter at your own risk. If you want to avoid lonliness, do not step in'. Or, you know, 'WARNING: Creatures with razor sharp teeth in here'. Whatever keeps them away.

***

I opened my eyes, the sun was shining. Her graceful rays painted the leaves gold, the sky bright. Oh, what a wonderful start to the day! I could move, the sun was bright, and as though I'd concocted a plan in my mind the whole night, I'd planned to go looking for Kimobreto and apologise for being so assumptious. How I wished the weather was merry more often; my mood definitely was one to match the weather.

After searching for what felt like an eternity for that familiar (well, okay, not familiar as we'd only known eachother less than a couple of hours, but still. I'm bringing a new meaning to the word) bright, white sparkle of her eyes; the black shimmer to her skin; and those round, curvy shapes of her body, I spotted some prints on the ground! Those were definitely from her, I thought rather excitedly. I was quite impressed with myself at having found her so quickly. Okay, so hours is, like...Longer than one hour, but for a big damn forest like this, it's something to tell the grand children! If I ever have any.

She knew I'd arrived, I could tell. I opened my arms wide open, she turned (what a flexible body she has too) and was that a faint flicker of a smile? Whatever it was, it seemed to hugely encourage me, because I'd moved over right beside her, something a shy one like myself wouldn't have usually done before, and lifted my back into the air, a sign we use for respect, and opened my arms once again. This time she accepted. She beamed, and I beamed. The light, I tell you, was so intense that words cannot describe it. Imagine the sun erupted, and it became this random massive matter of vehement fireballs, before bursting once and for all into a supernova, yet still remaining extremely luminous. Well, it was like that. Except a billion times dimmer. So what? We're not what you'd call youthful. It was intense for oldie, over-used machines, anyway.

Ever since that moment, I haven't spoken an ill word against my creator or life itself. Why should I? I've found Kim, and life is sweet. Like I said, it's not easy being me, a car, so if you're ever given a choice in what you'd like to be reincarnated as...Be a car, anyway! Or a motorbike...Those are something sassy. Plus, we need fellow machines to mate with our children, and grand children, and their children, and their children, and so on. I only stop because Kim has just nudged me in my eye and blocked my vision slightly, not nice...And their children, and their children, and then theirs, and theirs, and their children, and-

Okay, sorry. And their-

Ouch, my leg! I think she's broken my leg. I think I have an extra one in my back...Don't worry about me.